It's 4:20 am. Here I sit, not asleep. The house is dead quiet except for the sounds of my fingers on these keys.
Just came from another shift at Live. Well we got in at about 3am but I've been sat here, mind as mush and limbs like soggy noodles, unable to get myself in a state where sleep would finally wash over me. I think it may be the litre of energy drinks I had at work coming back to haunt me. In hindsight, that wasn't the smartest of moves on my behalf but I definitely needed to pick up my energy levels or I would've shrunk deep into myself and been completely useless.
I haven't blogged in a while. I've pushed out drivel and such, for the sake of keeping this thing active but I haven't done a blog. By blog, I mean a brief summary of what's been going on in my days. Actually, maybe I have. I can't really say if I'm making much sense or not, I just feel like I haven't been very honest and open lately.
But ya, what's been happening with Msizi these past couple of weeks. Well, to begin with, I think I've finally found what I want to do. This year has been a topsy turvy year for me. 2014 has not gone as I envisioned. I came into it thinking I knew myself and what I wanted to do with my days but as the year progressed, I realized that I actually had no idea what I was doing. It feels like for large parts of the year, I was flying blind with no direction, no purpose. I was just a bystander on this roller coaster I call my life. I've had to come to terms with a few things, my commitment phobia being one of them. If there's one thing I can say about myself, it's that I fear commitment. I don't know why. I just struggle to commit to something fully. I don't even know if I'll commit to finishing this post. It's gotten to the point where I've started to drive myself insane. It really isn't that hard to start something and see it through. It's not that I can't. I know I can. I know I have it in me to do anything I set my mind to. I could set fire to the ocean if I really wanted to and was willing to just focus. It's just that I'm very impatient and it is a disgusting trait to have and let rule me. I've been working on it and aim to do so, to keep it in check for as long as I possibly can.
I was speaking to a friend the other day, Rogan. He said something to me that has stuck with me and has been the driving force behind me getting my head out my arse and moving forwards. He asked me what I enjoyed doing. No, he asked me what it was that I really enjoyed doing. Something that brings me joy in it's purest form. Something that puts a smile on my face and lifts me, putting me on the highest crest of a wave of endorphins. I told him what I really enjoyed doing was writing and his answer to that was so simple and concise, it rang through my whole being. He said, "Then write. Just write as much as you can." I don't know why it was so hectic but it honestly felt like I was hearing those words for the first time. It felt like good to have someone ask me that and then be so honest with their response. I don't know why but it felt like if I didn't heed what he was saying, I would be cheating myself out of a golden opportunity. I would be cheating myself out of happiness.
I've been brushing up on my writing. I've been investing time in reading books. I've been writing in my Black Book. I've been sniffing at dictionaries like a pig looking for truffles. Basically, I've been doing everything I possibly can to help me write. It's gotten to a point where I've decided that maybe it's time I took the idea of moving on out this city seriously. I obviously don't think that leaving Durban would make me any better at this, for all I know it could make things worse but I feel like I've exhausted the adventures I could have within these four walls and it's time I ventured off and saw what else this country has to offer. I've had the feeling of living in a stagnant state for far too long. I've seen the social circles, I've been to all the places, I've done all there is to do. For a very long time I felt like this was it. Now I think it's time I got my head straight and fluff out my wings a bit.
Another thing that has inspired me to rein myself in and get going is Sharice. I've seen the girl go from being an actual limpet on the side of Tyler and become her own person. She's done so well for herself in becoming her own person that I cannot contain the pride I feel when I think of her. From someone who didn't even know what she was going to do with herself a year ago, she's turned around and started following her passion and is now living a life that is paid for by it. I think that's wonderful. She left her comfort zone, stuck through it and has come out on the other side smelling like roses. I know if I put all of this potential to use, I could also do something similar.
I've made a promise to myself that it's time to get serious with what I love. It's time to put all my time and devotion into making myself a better person, someone I can look on in the late hours and be proud of. It's a promise I intend on keeping and putting it up here, all of this, was really more of a reminder than anything. I don't know why but there's something about having things written on here that makes them seem so final to me.
