Greek Tragedy - The Wombats.

We're smashing mics in karaoke bars

You're running late with half your makeup on

This method acting might pay our bills

But soon enough they'll be a different role to fill

I love this feeling

But I hate this part

I wanted this to work so much

I drew up our plans on a chart

Cars are flipping, I'm in hot pursuit

My character's strong, but my head is loose

She hits like ecstasy

Comes up and bangs the sense out of me

The tarot cards say it's not so bad

And the blades rotate, there's just no landing pad

And better have said it, but darling you're the

best

I'm just tired of falling up the penrose steps

I hate this feeling

But I love this part

She really wants to make it work

And I clearly want to let it start

We'll build a waterslide

As soon as I get home

Oh and she hits like ecstasy

Comes up and bangs the sense out of me

It's wrong, but surely worst to leave

And she hits like ecstasy

So free up the cheaper seats

Here comes the Greek Tragedy

...

I've been reading By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept by Paulo Coelho and I've got to tell you, it's ruined me.

Over the last couple of months, I've been inaccessible emotionally. There was no way of getting any form of rise from me. I've barely registered any sort of affection but after just a few days of reading this, I feel as open and as raw as roadkill. If you don't know the story, it's about a woman who rekindles a love with her childhood friend who is now a man of spiritual brilliance. It takes place in the space of a week, a roller coaster of denying, accepting and - from what I've been told since I haven't finished it due to wanting to make it last as long as possible- losing love.

Love is a many strange thing. I've only ever really loved twice in my years - but I think I might be sitting on three - and to be honest with you, as great as those times were, I can only remember the bad bits. I know everything wasn't all bad. I know that I was happy and that I wanted nothing more than what i was feeling at the time but every time I think back to those times, I find myself shivering slightly and hoping to never go back there again. I think this is why I've been so emotionally closed. I was never great at dealing with the loss. This book has highlighted a lot of points that have struck a chord with me. I've really changed the way I look at this whole love business.  I used to think that it took time to fall in love. I used to think that it was impossible to just suddenly meet someone and be head over heels with them.

 That was how it was with my first love. We were friends for ages and with time we developed feelings for one another and ended up being together and it was really great. The second time around though, I felt it almost instantly. I didn't know quite what to make of it and because of that, I tried my best to control it. I didn't accept it for what it was and I ended up turning something great into a sour mess. The thing about love is that it comes in like a strong wind. You simply can't stop it no matter how hard you try.

Right now I find myself in a quandary. I'm faced with a situation that is less than ideal. I'm faced with what is possibly an unrequited love. There is nothing more painful, or so I'm told, as an unrequited love. Personally, I refuse to think of this as anything more than a slight infatuation because I refuse to accept that I could find myself in a situation where I could not get the outcome I wanted - it's selfish I know, but this is my corner of the world - and so it can't be real. The problem is, I'm faced with all the telltale signs of my loves gone by and that's what worries me. I don't know if I can handle this right now. Why must I deal with this when I still have so many things in my life that I need to sort out. I'm trying to build my brand up, focus on me, I can't have feelings for someone else plaguing and hindering my progress.

Having found the switch that has opened me up to all these feelings, I know I'm handling the spill out terribly but right now I'm in a state of panic. The best way to deal with this would be to deal with it head on. Admit to myself where I stand and then work it out. But I won't, at least I don't think I will. Right now, I'lI probably ignore it till it goes away or drives me insane and makes me act the fool. I know this isn't the way to go about it but trying to get my head around all this is bugging me out.

It helps having this rant out. My black book is full of a million other things that are so far beyond this manchild rant that I'd be ashamed to put it in there. In time I'lI have a solution.