I haven't been back here in years. I thought I had lost this blog. I tried to sign in and Google and its many soldiers came and told me that my information was incorrect and I had signed in from a device that was not recognizable on Earth and I should either promptly identify myself or die with the quickness.
I'm sat here in my room listening to Bloc Party live shows. It's funny how when things change, they still remain the same. I haven't blogged since 2019 but I still resonate with a large part of my last post and how I was feeling then.
I've grown. I've grown a lot since then. I lost over 20 million rand, became heavily suicidal, found a dog that changed my life completely and lost that dog a few years later. I found love in various faces and guises and I've lost it in many the same way. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm a creature of habit in some sense. Am I happy? Right now I would say the things that give me live out weigh the things that drag me down but the biggest detractor of my happiness is the state of my relationship. It never changes does it. I will always come back when things become hard because I really do need an outlet to express myself.
It makes me sad that I can't find peace and safety in those I find myself in love with. Am I a bad judge of character? Who knows? I like to think I'm not but then again the things I like are often different from the norm so who knows. I love this woman, that much I know but what I get from her makes me realise I am not in love with her. Hey look, at one point I'd fight Goliath 1v1, fist to fist about how in love I was and that was true. It's not to say it's not true now either but the feeling isn't there right now. I am someone who needs assurance. I can't love you if I don't feel love from you and right now I don't feel that. There are a lot of red flags that I am ignoring because I find myself wearing rose tinted glasses so all the red just looks normal. I find my mind state reverting to early MsiziSithole@Blogspot.Com thinking where dealing hurt on the back of my hurt was ok. That's not me anymore. I've grown. Fool me once, shame on me as they say but fool me at least 3 times and we fight. I don't want to get to three.
I'm writing this after a few drinks, often always my best work. In a state of emotional distress, the foie gras of literature. I don't really know if this has made sense but again I don't care. This is my corner of the world and nothing else matters.
