Aint that some shit, huh. Haha I don't even know where to start with this blog post.
I've just started another round of exams, just much like any other person with any desires to further their education. Usually I'm on top of this. Usually I have these things by the short and curlies and I do with them as I see fit. Usually I'm a machine. This time around though, things haven't gotten off to a good start. I arrived at my exam yesterday a whole hour early just so I could be and feel prepared. After milling for a few hours aimlessly, I was told that the exam times had been moved. Apparently we'd all been notified and all the exam times had been changed. Well that would've been brilliant if I'd been told. I went through the list of times the night before and obviously I never got the revised one. That wasn't a major train smash, I can handle such things, let's continue to greatness. Anyway, later I'm told that I needed to pay a writing fee. Now that threw me off the mark. I can work with having to wait a few more hours to get my misery over but now there was a possibility I couldn't even write because I hadn't brought in all I needed. Flip I've never stressed so much in my life. There stands Msizi, with his stupid haircut, black stupid skinny jeans and his stupid jacket hoodie combo that he thinks is the business, stressing his brain off trying to get hold of his parents and failing miserably, look at him wearing slops with jeans, cursing in foreign dialects under his breath and slowly losing his cool - what a chop. I nearly walked out of that place, I was just feeling defeated all of a sudden. Everyone has all their things set up, all bright and shiny and there I am standing in the bushes trying to make countless phone calls that weren't working out. Luckily the lady understood my predicament and we sorted something out. Seriously, she was a gem. I got in with half a minute to spare and then sat down to write my exam. Haha I don't even want to talk about it. I was so frazzled and hyped up on coffee that I can't say I can make sense of what happened in there. All in all, that was a bad day.
The bones of my post though, and something I think has played a big part in my topsy turvy existence is this, problems at mi casa. My sister had an accident a few days ago. Basically she was a real life example of those people you see on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. To cut a long story short, she didn't know she was and took some medication that you're not meant to when you're with bun which dealt a series of complications and the baby unfortunately didn't make it. I don't know how she feels about that, I haven't yet plucked up the courage to speak to her about it but I can imagine she must be pretty upset. If it were me, I don't know how I'd react. Personally I know I'll never have kids because I'm just not father material. Let me watch over your kid for a few minutes, cool, but I can't do anything longer before I feel the sudden desire to throw things at it. I can't handle situations that have to deal with emotions or tragedies, I'm a coward. I have the emotional depth of a teaspoon and even though I try my hardest sometimes to be more accommodating and such with things like that, I just can't. I don't want to hear about how bad it is. I don't want to feel like it's my burden to bear and at the same time I don't want her to feel like I don't care. I don't know how to bridge that gap between caring brother and emotional recluse. I'm not vocal about the way I feel at all, especially when it's real. I can tell you the world belongs to you on a silver platter any time of the day when I don't mean it but please don't ask me to tell you how I really feel because I just can't, even if you really deserve it. My mom took it all quite rough. That's when it really hit. When my mom feels something, I do too. She's golden and when she's not a full golden hue, I struggle too.
I've only really spoken to one person about all this. I told the Peen Meen. The thing I like about her is that try as she might, she's just as bad at this thing as I am. I tell her these big issues I have because I need someone who is as clueless as I am. I need someone who's gonna feel mad awkward about being told something so serious, like I do. She took it like a champ and cracked some jokes that were in heavy bad taste and I needed that because I needed to find a way to deal, I needed to work it out my own way. I hate having other people trying to work out my problems for me like I'm some child, that isn't right. That's not how I was brought up. I understand it's good to talk and get things out but sometimes I just struggle to say anything. Monday night was the first night I'd been home in a while and it really felt like I should do or say something that would take everyone's minds off of what was happening. Because I suck so much at dealing with feelings, sometimes I feel like it's my duty to help others forget theirs. I don't know who gave me this silly, jaded thought process but dammit they've screwed me over quite a bit in the long run.
After my exam I went to a mates house, didn't care to make myself announced or anything, I just wanted to be around people who had their own issues so I could forget mine for a while. I came in, threw my stuff on the floor and when I was asked how my day was, that there was the moment I felt like if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war, they would've burst. I'm hella frustrated right now. Funny how I made a mental note of it. I make a note of all the times freaking out would be acceptable in any situation, it makes me feel better for being stronger than that. With school and family things going up all around me, I just feel like I need to find some time away and break from all of this. I'm no superman, I can barely keep my phone bill down. I'm only human after all.
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