Gimmie My Juice Back

Do you ever feel like taking back pieces of you from people you don't like anymore? Rounding up all the little experiences you ever imparted on them and stick them into your rucksack and be off?

We all leave a mark on all the lives we come into contact with. I know lots of people who will always stand out in my life for what they've done and the things they've made me feel. The experiences I've shared with them will always be things I look back on as the years go by. I know that I've also had an impact on certain people as we mix together and in most part, I do hope it is for the best.

But there are those people who I've met before, interacted with and just felt like that portion of my life was bitterly wasted. I meet a lot of new people, it comes with work and usually that's okay. I usually never interact with these people for longer than a couple of minutes and after that they're gone and mostly forgotten. There are those though that I have to see more often. I was talking about the lady I used to work with at Vaughan's shop last year and how much she hated me. She really didnt like the very ground I walked on and she made no bones about it. On my last week of work, she went around counting down the days, saying how she couldn't wait till I was out. Now I don't really care much for people who dislike me, it really does nothing to me but it isn't often that it's so blatant. If I could, I would go back and 'unmeet' her. I cry for all those hours I wasted trying to get along with this person. I wish I could get back my kind words and good gestures. I know it isn't right to say things like this, you never take a gift back after giving it, but I do feel like it was so wasted now. I could have used those to much better effect on other people.

It got me thinking of all the people who I really feel cheated by. There are some characters that when I look back, I can see that my investment into them was wasted. I wish I could take back my experiences, I would love to recoup my time and effort. It kinda shits me off when I look back and see how much time I spent on people who came up to being a big fat naught in my day to day life. It's fine I guess because there really isn't anything I can do about it. We're all here to leave our mark on the world and I am no different. I hope there is joy in the memory of me but if it's all okay, I'd like the pieces of me back.

Truth Behind Fosters.

I found this little gem on Tumblr the other day. It really blew my mind.
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Sticky Note To The Pang

You know what I admire the most about you? I admire your braveness. Your ressilience. The way you're unafraid to get back onto that horse that bucked you off so hard that you damn near nearly shat your pants. I know I shouldn't really be writting a post that pays homage to the way you let yourself for the same things. I know I tell you that moving forward doesnt involve the things of the past but even I cant fault the way you take it all in your stride.

Im bitter. Im a mess. I dont even think I know quite what it is to really care for someone quite like how you've made it sound. Obviously I've had my run ins with the silent killer. The idyllic mess that is love and I know what it can do. But where you and I differ is that I see it as a weakness. I see it as a disgusting smear on my psyche. I would be the first to let it all wash out just so I can deal with some other crap. I love being able to look back and see the progress I've made and for a long time that involved not going back to a state of mind that I knew. You on the other hand, you seem to almost crave it. If I had half of the courage and strength needed to invest in something new that you sem to have in bucketfuls, I'd be on some other shit right now. I know you're fragile. I know it all cuts deep. I know when it hits home, it hits like a steam train in full force but somehow it seems to all be in your stride. You're one crazy bitch, and that makes me feel better.

Would I compare thee to a summers day? No, I hate summer. You're like my computer keyboard. You're a boon to my existence. A lost little nutter that packs a dollop and a listening ear that has been chewed but never disappears.

Well done Hayden, you can stay...

Those Dreams.

Let's write about a love lost. A time where grey is the only colour we know. Let's speak of the past. A time where we didn't know all of this. Let's surround ourselves with people that tell us we should know better. Because we seem to can't think for ourselves.

Why do we entertain the thoughts that bring the sleepless nights? Why do we let ourselves fall under the same traps? Why are we slaves under the yolk of not forgetting? We've seen it all before. We try build a new picture with the same puzzle pieces, hoping that the picture will change this time, only just this once.

We look for escape in the same tired ways we did when we came down this road before. We know these signs. We tripped over that curb many times before. There was a time where we said we would never miss the view but now we wear blinders as we walk out the door. Forget the fulfilment of the fleeting moment, the memories dont even last till the morning. The night's are short and the regrets last longer than the taste on the lips. We dont exist in a technicolour dream world. We live in a time where the fleeting is more important than the foundations we set.

We built a kingdom on promises and dreams, but in the back of our minds we knew that we had kept ourselves far from this shared vision. We were consumed on the surface by what we had before us, but we never lost sight of the solitary future we'd eventually face. Do we even realise how shallow all this is?

There is no change to the things we have seen others do before us. There is no change to the age old tradition of desertation. We venture forwards looking for what is hopefully a high that is better than first, but you never relive that moment ever again. Broken by the way we feel, we accept the fleeting moment of release that settling gives us. We know that it wont last. We know that it wont give us anything different to what we've been battling with but we settle, we settlie like it is the new change.

We're derailed. We left the tracks long before the sun came up. The hallucinations that were our happiness are like wisps of smoke in the twilight of morning. Fading. Fading. Fading.

'Love Your Neibour'

Wise words on a chair outside The Winston Pub.
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A pretty girl's shoes

There was this girl at Origin last night who looked really sad, confused my face but left me with the sight of her pretty shoes.
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Intimacy. Still the best album I've ever heard. Still has resonances outside of music for me. I could listen to it in its entirety all the time. If I was feeling a little unsure or if I was just feeling a little down, I'd put it on and feel the world slide into place. It captures the spark of relationship forming, all the way to the dying ember that it almost always ends up as. I would listen to it if I felt the need to escape the dilemmas of relationship life and it helped me through the tough decisions of decided to enter a union.

I love Ares. Ares to me, is the start. It is that build up of rebelliousness that brings two together. The moments where you both are on the edge. The common interests unite you, the excitement enthuses you. To me, it is the act of impressing. The whirlwind courtship that all teens dream of. The rebels against the cause. Love and angst sometimes walk hand in hand.

Mercury is that stage where you kinda start to think about things. The coming of realisation, and the confusion it brings. "This is not the time to start a new love" - they are the words everyone will eventually come to. We've all had the moments where we kinda sit and wonder if this the right thing. I've just come out of a relationship and Mercury rings true to me. I'm faced with all these decisions and all the choices, the planets don't align. It is biting your tongue, kind of unsure of the answer. "When I saw you last night, I wanted to say. Run away with me, away from these cynics. That this could be the start of, something truly real. But all that I could say was hey, was hey, was hey"

Halo was my first favourite from the album. Halo is desire. Halo is when I look at you. Halo is almost animalistic. It is open and gets right to the point. I remember looking at a girl and having the song going through my head as I looked at her. That was the greatest whirlwind romance. This song is a whirlwind. I love it's intensity and honesty.

Biko is a song about loss. I remember reading the lyrics to this song before I had the album and feeling really down. The song is about a lover that has cancer and is dying of it. It is a pleading. Biko is a term of endearment in Igbo, it's what you call your loved one. "If I could eat your cancer I would, but I cant" I've come close to breaking down whilst listening to this song, thinking of the possible loss of a loved one. "Don't you know that when you stand, you stand up for the both of us. Remember that when the darkness looms. every tear you shed is cleansing, taking the pain away from you. I left you blueberries in the fridge, the little things that I can do. I need you to be strong, for us." I later found out that blueberries have properties that can help fight against cancer. That right there almost broke me in half.

Trojan Horse, hahaha ahhh. Trojan Horse is that stage in the relationship where things start going down hill. "You used to take your watch off before we made love, you didn't want to share our time with anyone. You used to close your eyes when we kissed goodbye, you didn't want to see me draped in sadness." I know the Trojan Horse stage of the relationship pretty well i must say. It makes me laugh because when I felt that creeping up, I listened to the song and it never bothered me after that. What put me at wa the chorus, "You know I still adore you, but in a different kind of way. You know I still adore you, but things have gotten vague. Baby I don't ask for much but things have gotten convieninent. You know I still adore you, but things have kinda changed." I once sent a girl the lyrics to this song over a facebook message as my way of breaking up with it.

Signs is another sad song. It is basically the companion to Biko. It is the remembering of the lover that died. The first opening words are some of my favourite, "Two ravens in the old oak tree and, on for you and one for me and, blue bells in the late December, I see signs now all the time." The whole song to me is just a dreamy state of remembering. "I could sleep forever these days 'cause in my dreams I see you again. But this time fleshed out, fuller face, in your confirmation dress." "At your funeral I was so upset. In your life you were larger than this, statuesque." This song still haunts me. "I see signs now all the time, that you're not dead, you're sleeping. I believe in anything that brings you back home to me."

One Month Off, such a great song. "Seven years between us seems that all my friends were right. That we cant survive on your bedroom eyes and, a spanish guitar. When we started this it was paradise, not just Bethnal Green. And it's just not right, this waiting game, making a cuckold of me." I love this song. it is the stage of the relationship where all the trust seems to have disappeared. The end is nigh. The moment where your partner just doenst have the same eyes for you anymore. You sit asking questions of yourself. You wonder what going on but you're still willing to try make it work. I remember sitting in a room with a girl and having this unfold before me. The moments in relationships that seem to stress others usually make me laugh. "And it's just not like me to lash out but, enough is enough. Tell me what the others can do, that I cant. Translucent and sun-bleached skin, when did you get so LA? How can you desert me after all we've been through? Stuck on a dream that 'somewhere' is better, you'll be the one missing out." I've never been the most vocal about my feelings, not when the songs speak them so loudly already.

Zephyrus is a song I once had quoted to me. It is about trying to connect. The point where you both are kind of pulling away. Your interests are dividing you. "And all you said, in your quietest voice, was 'I needed you as much as they do." I had someone say something along those lines to me, I didn't understand it fully til I listened to this song. She just wanted to be part of me again. I was so caught up in so many other things that she felt neglected and until that moment, I was too blind to see. I really love this song, it has a special place in my heart.

Talons, one of my all time favourites. A song that I assume is about the realisation of the cancer? It is the moment of receiving the devastating news. "No bolt nor brick, nor crucifix can hold it back." The chorus is one of the best. "When it comes, it will feel like a kiss. Silent and velvet." It was my favourite of the album for a very long time and still is high up there.

Better Than Heaven. I'm at a loss for words with this one. The song just comes at me form every corner of the universe. "Never been a big fan of things, but I'm growing so fond of you" It is the unashamed addressing of an issue. The moments of spontaneity are gone, the staleness of repetition has set in and all that needed is the spark again. "You can use your hands for something, I'll take you further than the scholars can. Put down your books and modest me, heaven is here, where it needs to be." I remember thinking of the days where I'd see my girlfriend and we would have insane adventures. There was a time where I thought there were no ends to the kind of surprises this girl had to offer. She spoke to my every desire to be outside the box. The settling into a routine finally happened, I guess we just got too comfortable. I would listen to this song and miss those times.

Ion Square. This is the song of all songs when it comes to being fully satisfied in the relationship. Ion Square is the ultimate moment in the relationship. The moment of pure bliss and happiness, where everything just revolves around this person. You can't seem to think of a time when they weren't your be all and end all. "Ion Square, perspex swings. I breathe out, you breathe in." It is the dreamy understanding. I love this song considerably. "How we've come to depend on each other, till the end. The space between us has disappeared, you finish my, you finish my words for me." One of my favourite parts of this song is, "I remember how it began, so many great days in a row. Barefoot on Bishop's Gate, trying to find Blake's grave." It speaks to me. I yearn for an adventure where I feel myself warming up to this person beside me. I love the thought of these two people that have come to find each other in this way. "I carry your heart, here with me. I carry it in my heart". The whole song just makes me so happy. I want an Ion Square moment.

Letter To My Son. Hahaha now here is a song that carries so much weight. Basically it is a song about a guy that's overwhelmed by the fact that he is suddenly a father. It is the telling of how they got to that point and how she was so hard to resist but the outcome ultimately wasn't what he wanted. It opens with the line, "I found myself at the point where we kissed first. Overlooking the East London mosque." I remember sitting atop a rooftop with a girl, knowing full well that all the previous months of back and forths had finally lead to this moment, I had those words ringing through my ears. "They said, you can't go around breaking young girl's hearts. I said, keep it casual, easy thing." I would often go over those words in my head when dealing with her, it always made me feel more disjointed and thus I never felt like I was ever going to get burnt. This song has so many gems in it. "See what trouble we could both cause, by the bedroom door, the kitchen floor. Oh Marlena I'm too young, to be the father to our son." I sing those words loud all the time.

Your Visits Are Getting Shorter. This is another one of those songs that centres around the insecurities of a relationship. "Your visits are getting shorter, your heart is getting further from me. Your touch is getting colder, away somewhere you need to be. Boys on your left side, boys on your right. Boys from your maths class, who'll do anything you want." "Let's spend the whole day in bed then, cause if we don't you will want to leave. I try to hold something I can't ever keep." I think it's the perfect example. I love how the words ring true for so many people. You hear of the same concerns from basically everyone in a relationship.

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Durban Is Yours.

What are you doing for your city? When last did you stop to admire the place you call home? Durban is such a colourful and vibrant place. We all see cities around the world and long to go live there, but when last did you appreciate what this place had? Forget for a moment just what's going on in this country, forget the politics and forget all your dramas. Taking a look at your surroundings, there's still so much more to see.

For the past couple of months I've had my Durban pride steadily climb higher and higher. I've always loved taking a walk through the city. The kind of chaos you see here doesn't work anywhere else. Johannesburg has it's fast paced vibe, like everyone is on speed and Cape Town flows like a sunday afternoon that's stretched a bit too long. Durban is the perfect mix. Every week I find myself somewhere in the city and kinda being amazed at just what's going on around me. Whether I'm sitting having lunch with a lovely lady or running around looking for some decent coffee, I never seem to get bored of what I see. There is a whole new life coming out of the city that everyone said was so sleepy.

Durban was the odd cousin that Joburg and Cape Town hated seeing at family reunions because he'd always want to tag along with them and really cramp their style - not anymore. I can almost feel the buzz of anticipation when I walk out the door. I can almost lick the greatness that's going to come at me when I turn the corner. I can faintly make out the taste of the adventure I'm about to gulp down.

I went to a restaurant called Market the other night and I was blown away. For someone who will have a meal almost anywhere, this was really stumbling across a gem. I had a lovely meal with some truly epic people, in a lovely atmosphere and that is the kinda thing we need. Cities are run by coffee shops and restaurants. If you go to a place that doesn't have the right kinda eating establishments, you're gonna have a bad time. Forget Spur, Wimpy, KFC and any other fast food place, proper coffee shops are what makes us tick. We're no longer living in a time where we go crazy for the American way, we do things our way. A beer at breakfast, eggs and bacon for lunch, we don't care. I love going to a place and being able to feel the kind of character that exists within those four walls. I love going out for drinks at a place where the management are the very same people that come and join you for a drink. I love the bonds created over breakfast the night after you went a little too much over the wagon. I love the little impromptu stages that crop up at night and the gigs we all go and see. I love the city around me.

I've barely touched the surface of the place that I call home. We've got quite a few messed up things going on in the world, but sometimes focussing on the city around you can be the greatest escape. I'm already on the prowl for my next venue for a coffee date and I'm glad to say there's still so much to see.
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Food for thought.

"One of the painful things about our time is that those who feel certainty are stupid, and those with any imagination and understanding are filled with doubt and indecision" - Bertrand Russell
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I'm having a Florence moment.

I first came across Florence Welch at a friends house. He was making fun of me because she was a redhead and I'd dated one before. I was adamant I didn't like this warbling wranger but when I started listening to her sing, I was so blown away.

Rabbit Heart was the song, I've loved her ever since.
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Florence, the lovely Welch

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Hey

Hi

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Little Smudgeon

I'm lying on my bed, watching my nephew play games on my computer. He kinda waltzes into my room, switches it on like he owns the place and starts busting out a Drake album like I'm in the mood to be hearing all that.

Now I do happen to listen to Drake, the album having been on my computer, but not often. When it comes to rap, or whatever it is that they call this new sound, I do it on the odd occasion, on the sly, under thick blankets late at night and after a few heavy drinks. It is my guilty pleasure. A little bit here and there, like a bit of chocolate. After a while it starts to burn holes in my ears and I find myself clawing for the safety that indie music brings. I told him that if he wants to sit in my room -something I don't let anyone do, especially when I'm home- he has to listen to good music. I started playing Four, I love Four. So does he apparently. He seems to know the words to So He Begins To Lie, a song we listened a lot to last week actually. When the power went out last week he followed me all around the house. All I wanted to do was lay down in my cave and listen to So He Begins To Lie. He was right there.

It's funny how being around people all the time can annoy me. I can turn into the world's greatest extrovert and the most introverted person, all at the flick of a fancy. I'm usually a general degree of vocal around people, but I do love being in my own head. I don't like it inside my head right now, but it's home and it just needs to be cleared up. There is so much clutter in there that I've had to hire someone to clean it up. They aren't doing so badly, but sometimes when a new cleaning services comes in, it takes them a little while to learn the ropes.

The little smudge is leaving my room now, Day Four blesses me.

Hello Owl

The Overflow

Don't you love how Florence depicts love? I love how she compares it to drowning. The thought of drowning is one that frightens me, and many other people but she makes it sound so romanctic.


Standing on the shore, it comes and softly swirls around your feet. Small tickles on your toes. You love the feeling. You find yourself wading in, deeper and deeper. You're so taken by it all. You get swept up in the current that is "love". It takes you along, the water is warm. It washes you out, away from the safety of the shore, you float on without a care. You cant see anything wrong with this scene. This is everything you ever wanted. You're floating on the might of something so large, something so magnificent, what could go wrong? The waves start to rise, you dont take any notice. The sky begins to darken, the water starts to grow colder. The waves, they rise. Your body, it starts to be moved around. There is no need to be alarmed, this is what you've always wanted. You begin to swim, hoping to find the calm. You start to tread water, things will come right. The waves, they frighten you. What was once a calm ocean has changed. What happened to it? It will consume you. The waves that wash over you, they tire you. You have been taken out. You are left stranded. The water pulls you down, your limbs too tired to fight. You have come to it now. You have met your end. The water takes you down, Love fills your lungs. The silent killer remains, idyllic on the surface. That's what the water gave me...