I know I've been going on and on about relationships lately, to the point where it feels like they're all I see or think about but I haven't actually been able to make up my mind about them till now.
See, I have friends who are in relationships and I was in one not too long ago. I won't call any of them happy relationships, solely because I don't know what the daily runnings of them are like but from what I've seen, it all seems to be smiles and nauseating affection. I had a reasonably happy relationship. We did have our ups and downs as most people do but I do feel like it was good for the most part of it. I saw my ex the other day. When people found out about it, they asked the same questions like, 'Are you guys back together?' 'Does this mean you're working things out' and some of them were even weirded out by it all and a bit shunning. I see nothing wrong with socialising with an ex if the both of you can handle that level of maturity where you're no longer digging up things from the past that can be used to break each other down. There is none more powerful than a person who knows your past and is malevolent enough to use it against you.
After we'd seen each other, the ex tells me of some random date she went on. Now I've had my fair share of moments with the ladies as of late. I'm not suffering in any way and the last thing on my mind sometimes was her but after spending a bit of time together, I couldn't help but find it a little upsetting. I wasn't upset that she'd gone out with some guy and was seeing him again the next day, that didn't bother me because there is nothing holding her and I together, what bothered me was that I wasn't quite sure how to react to all that. I really don't have it in me to care about everyone's personal lives when I have such a jumbled up one of my own so really as to why I was told that, I do not know. But now I was sat with this imagery and I didn't quite know where it all fit in. It just swam around my head, poking it's head into every little corner of my mind that I was in, trying to lure me from my escape. I whacked it down beat it to a pulp but it kept coming back to life like a fiendish villain in one of my nightmares. I don't know if it was jealousy or something else but whatever it was that I was feeling, I really didn't like it.
So this afternoon I'm having a shower and my mind goes back to that thought and it finally hits me. I'm not the guy that is the safe bet. I don't have the qualities needed to be in the perfect relationship. I'm not about to call you babe and show you off to the world with my statuses full of hearts and kissy faces. I'm not going to spend every single waking moment with you and tell you how much my life would suck without you. That's not me. And that's not what I want. I'm the guy that will say yes to a little bit of risky actions because they're fun things to do. I'm the guy that will happily kick it with you because there's nothing better than being comfortable but with no strings attached. I'm the guy that you won't feel too compelled to bring home all the time because I'm not going to try very hard to get along with your family if they give me the cold shoulder. I'm the guy that just wants to have a little fun. I'm not built for a relationship and that's where I think I'm going to be for a while.
Don't get me wrong, I have had a few and I'm not against making full efforts to my commitment as a boyfriend but I will never ever be able to do it like someone who really thinks that the 'love' they feel is the be all and end all. I've felt what I think would be my best and most accurate description of love to date. I've cared for someone more than I care for myself and that for me is quite a big thing. I've had my brief stint with my co-pilot and once the plane crashed, I didn't want anymore anywhere else and I'm okay with that. I think relationships are a complete waste and that's because I came out unhappy with mine and I'll keep thinking that until my thinking is changed. I have nothing against people going into them, I just don't want to hear about it because I'm still knee deep in my own adventure.
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