2 second rant.

My computer has just given up the ghost. Poof and it's gone. Now I can't access anything that's even remotely meant something to me. Files, pictures, music and the likes, all gone in an instant. I'm well pissed.

It's like these past few days anything worth believing in has given me every reason to just chuck it straight out the window. I'm so annoyed right now. Why can't technology just know not to cock up. Why can't it fix itself? I've tried everything I can think of and because I don't have a basic degree knowledge of an OS then basically what I've just done is piss in the wind. I'm so over today. It was such a great day till a few hours ago and now I'm just sitting here with a great big pit in my stomach and an ever present hate for the world. Haha I'm always in the best of spirits just before my birthday, this year clearly seems to be no different.

Adjustments, they need to be constructed.

...

You'd assume I'd be more put out. There was hope on your shoulders, there was genuine belief that maybe you'd step out as one of the truly better ones. Well let me not get ahead of myself and say you won't, some of the best have had a shaky start and years down the line I've had nothing but good words to say about them.

It's not so much what you did. We all do that, I mean I've done it so many times before that it doesn't even register. It's that you had to choose that moment, that situation and that person to go and drop a rung. That was the only slap in the face. I like to think I make enough of an impact that dropping low would be seen as something forbidden to do but obviously something must be a bit off if both times I've tried to take someone on, they've gone and shafted me with some run of the mill retrobate. Flip, I need to pull up my socks here clearly.

I've said I've not changed, that much is true. It's a speed wobble in something that was for the most part, interesting enough to see through. I still have every intention of doing so, I'm not at all too phased but now there's a slightly different taste in my mouth. Let's see what goes.

Post Title

It's my second friday night packed tightly into the confines of my bedroom, suffocated by reams and reams of printed paper. I've read up on the history of the world at least three times over in the space of eternity and I still haven't gotten close to half way to where I'm supposed to be. Brilliant way to spend the night, right?

Sometimes I realise that I've bitten off much more than I can chew in terms of trying to do first year history in the space of 10 weeks. Better people than I have come crashing down from their high horses and have been made to chew on pure dirt by trying to do this in the normal space of a year. I genuinely must be insane. I can't seem to remember what it was that made me think that I could take this on. What was going through my head that morning when I woke up and said, "You know what, let me take on this ridiculous workload." I was a chump.

I think I did this because if I'm very honest, I've been frustrated. My level of performance has dipped so below par lately that I kind of feel like I need to open myself up again to a world of insane challenges. I haven't had anything exciting to do in a long time and it's made me feel like I'm not moving forwards at all. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Every day is the same routine, wake up and be brilliant in a world of mediocre fishes and then go to bed and seethe at the lack of stimulation around. It's like a cesspit of dead ambition out there and what bothers me most is that it feels like it's all coming from me. I mean I've only just recently made up my mind that I want to go to Rhodes and that's why I'm punishing myself so much. I've spent too long sitting being indecisive and now that I've made up my mind, why am I complaining?

Haha, right now I'd kick to just be out with mates, away from all these books, away from all the feelings of blockheadedness. Tomorrow I need to flourish or I'll blow up.

The Present - Bloc Party

If you're cold and you're alone
And you don't know where to go
You can call me anytime
Nothing's changed
I am still here

If you're running out of breath
And your building's burning down
You can jump
I will catch you
Nothing's changed
I am still here

With heavy hands and an absent mind
Did I blow your candle out?
With shortened words and a lack of time
Am I ever on your mind?

Was I cruel and never there?
Nothing to rely on
Was our romance a black hole?
You kept the better half than me

Well if you really wanted to know
Well no the earth's not moved for me since
I wish I could've given you lightness
The lightness that you deserve

And they say time is a healer
And time will look after you
I can't wait
I can't wait
I can't wait
I can't wait

Come over
Come over
Come over
Come over

Why don't you come over?
Why don't you come over?
Why don't you come over?
Why don't you come over?

Well if you really wanted to know
Well no the earth's not moved for me since
I wish I could've given you lightness
The lightness that you deserve

And they say time is a healer
And time will look after you
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Come over

And I stole you that ring
'Cause I wanted you to have it
And it wasn't about me, I just wanted you to have it
Your smile, baby your smile, baby I come alive

And I stole you that ring
'Cause I wanted you to have it
And it wasn't about me, I just wanted you to have it
Your smile, baby your smile, baby I come alive

I feel so naked, like before we met
Last night I was so close to just calling you up
They say it takes time to heal the wounds
I can't wait, I can't wait
Come over.

Arctic Monkeys said snap out of it.

YOU BE TRIPPIN'

I wish I understood the female mind sometimes. I was speaking to my mate a few weekends ago and he was talking about the girl he was vibing with. She's a great girl and what not and for me, she had the most epic house in the world. Her mom's interior decor game was sitting on God-Mode. It's like what I imagined my house to be like if I lived in Durban with my artistic young wife. (I don't know much else about her so all I have to judge on is her living room). Anyway, he was saying how one minute she'd been blowing hotter than the midday sun and next thing she had frozen him out like it was an all new ice age. It doesn't make sense. I mean, why can't words be exchanged to establish what's happening instead of expecting the hardest game of charades ever? I know it's hard sometimes to say what you mean. There's always that fear of what you're saying not being agreed with or whatever but hey, it has to happen. We're all older than 12, we have a basic command of language.

I had a great night with you. I'm 100% glad I let myself be talked into coming out. The problem with drinking for Dutch Courage is that the next step from there is Dutch Dickhead and I'm pretty certain your friends felt that full force. I fell jackshit for having come and stolen you from them. I mean you've got to understand that this was something that was a while in the making and situations like those don't just throw themselves in your lap so easily hence I took it, and you, with two hands. Under normal circumstances I'd apologise the next day but I think there's just things here that I can't readily let slide yet. It was great. I hope you thought it was great because I did. I especially loved the part where you pushed a defenceless dog into the pool and I had to save it. That made me feel manly. I don't know why but it feels like I'm meant to impress you. Let me not say meant, I feel like I should. Call it my over inflated ego or something else but I guess it kinda stems from your whole situation and stuff, I wanna be here for you, to help take your mind off things and ease you into a place where you're more comfortable and confident as a person. Yes I know I don't quite remember what everything I said, not many people ever do but I do know I said a lot of things that were, honest, for lack of a better word. I'm as transparent as the Ocean's piss when it comes to you which I guess is ok and stuff but that's not me. I'm usually closed off and it doesn't take much to have me shut off completely.

That's the thing. I woke up the next morning and you were speaking to me still so I couldn't have shoved my foot so badly down my throat then, but I don't know, today was strange. I was caught off guard. Yeah I had a crappy day regardless but I mean, yeah. I'm not expecting anything major out of just one night of hanging out. We're not promised to be bethrode or anything. For all I know it could've just been a nice one night hook up and if that's the case then I'm complete chillos too but if not, then I don't know that. You're still finding your feet and I'm not about to try sweep you off them before you even find them or anything like that. Just talk to me, you know. I know you're also in a bit of limbo right now, it's expected but this is easily fixable with just the use of words. Speak to me, I don't bite when I'm sober.