Visiting family is always a great thing to do. I enjoy seeing the strange characters I'm related to. Most of them are some of the greatest people I know. Family is where the good times reside.
The thing is though, I'm a very chill character. I don't need to be kept entertained. I don't need to be maintained. I can keep to myself and find every bit of entertainment that I need. Put the football on and I'm literally in my element. You can leave me for hours and I'll be just fine. What sucks about visiting family though is that no matter how old I get, I'll always be considered as the small little boy my mother used to cart around. I'm an old man now. I've been dead inside for many years, I think I've earned my spot at the grown up table. My anti social behavior speaks volumes, I'm not a kid anymore. So why then am I always saddled with the little kids? I hate little kids. I have nothing in common with them. I don't understand anything to do with them and they don't get me. If you want your kids to cry then I can happily lend some assistance but if you're looking for a baby sitter then you're out of luck. I don't get why little kids seem to think that I want to hear every single thing they have to say. Keep some things to yourself little homie, be a bit mysterious. If you must speak to me, God forbid, then please do it in a language that we both can understand. Don't come at me with the street slang you use in your part of the nursery school because I promise you right now, I won't understand a thing you're saying. I will ignore you and keep getting these tweets out about how annoying you are. You don't deserve that. If we must interact then I will initiate it. I've already got a shadow, I don't need a new one. I once got trailed by this little guy once to the point where I had to duck him just so I could go take a piss. I don't even go to the toilet with my own friends. The worst is when little kids come with their snot noses and touchy fingers. I can forgive a dog for touching my jeans and stuff because it's an animal and it's dumb, it doesn't understand when I say don't touch but if your kid is gonna use my pants as a new home for its boogers then I'll administer a beat down. I once had a tiny tot use my jacket as a tissue and I nearly burst several blood vessels.
I know it's expected of me to make sure the kids are alright and if that means a bit of chinwagging then we'll converse. Sometimes I have to hand it to them, kids can say some great things. I've heard some genius things come from half pints. Some of my nephew's mates have had me in stitches, to the point where I could consider them sort of my honorary friends on certain days of the year, if given prior notice. It's not all so bad but it takes time. It takes time and some growing up. I can happily handle dealing with small kids for a short period of time. Sometimes they can really be delightful and I love it when people affiliated with them are more embarrassed by their behavior than everyone else. I'll happily engage with a kid just to watch their parents cringe at the silly things they're doing. That's fun. But ya, I don't love your child as much as you do and I never will so let's not try force this friendship. We'll get there when we get there, if we get there.
