I'm Stealing Your Title Style From Now On For These Ones.

I've been sitting on a thousand feelings and thoughts the last couple of weeks. Pulled in various directions, I've been like a dog on a run. Running from this lamp post, leaving my mark on this hydrant. Generally stretching myself thinner than I think I've ever been.

These nights where I sit in my cave, music streaming uninhibited into my ears, consciousness bared wide open, these are the nights that make me. Right now I feel fantastic. I've been a long way from finding myself and it's a wonderful feeling to find everything I was looking for and to feel it come back to me. I can sit on the edge of my bed, listen to songs about the broken and not feel like they're speaking to me.

Do you know what it's like to watch yourself come apart from the inside? Do you know what it looks like when that manifests itself into your day to day life? Most people don't notice. They just see someone acting up or putting on a show and that's the end of it. What it really does to the person going through that is quite something else. I'd never wish for anyone to hate who they are. When you get to the point where you hate you, the person that you are, that's when you've lost the game. That's when you've let everyone else dictate to you who you should be. Sometimes we think we have that under control. We feel like we have our lives in our own hands and we can conquer it all. We go on these benders, these quests to prove to everyone and to ourselves that we're ok but in the long run they do way more damage than good. I love coming back down to earth from this high pedestal I've constructed. I like being back at the level where I fully understand myself. When I'm out there, full blown to the masses, that's not me, not all the time. I went for coffee with Gem the other day. I had a few hours to kill and she was keen to meet up and so I took the opportunity with both hands.  It was good to feel real. There's a great feeling in seeing someone's face light up when they see yours. Yes, it's not the same way as it once was before but it was great nonetheless.  We've come a long way from where we were before and I'm greatful for every twist and turn we've taken. She really put me at ease. Spoke words only she knew, with gold plated meanings and the calming effects of ocean waves. If I'd sat there a moment longer, I might not have ever returned. She's always been my voice of reason and I'm glad that hasn't changed.