The World Cup has just started and we've seen a lot of crazy games. The craziest though has to be the demolishing of Spain, 5-1 by the high flying Dutchmen. Spain put their faith in Diego Costa which I guess was a wise move but he's untried on such a huge platform. On the bench they had Fernando Torres, someone who has been a footballing wunderkind but has since fallen right off the wagon. Torres has failed miserably as a striker over the last few years and I think it's time I laid out how we should go about getting him back up.
When Torres was at Liverpool, I hated him. I hated the fact that he played for Scouser scum and I hated the fact he was such a genius football player. I hated that he was a little uncouth. I hated that he could score so many brilliant goals and after the match he'd throw up in your mom's favourite flower pot. He was a scouse and didn't care. I loved Torres. When he came to Chelsea, it all changed. He was brought into a highbrow London club that was prissy and high street. We would not accept acting out. What!? You're at Chelsea and you think you can come onto the field without your pinky in the air?! By Jove! We snuffed the scouser out of Torres and that's where we went wrong. We tried to rehabilitate him and in that he lost himself.
You see, Fernando Torres has given up. You look at this and you're like, "Yeah Msizi, you speak truth my man. You're a genius and I don't question it." But some of you may look at that and say, "Msizi, you ethereal man of knowledge, surely you of all people know that Torres hasn't given up. He trains so hard and gives off so much on the field, just because he isn't scoring, doesn't mean you have to be harsh." And you know what, both of you are right but I'm not talking about on the field. I'm talking about in life. Torres has a pair of hair clippers in his locker room. Those are the same clippers Jose used to shave his own hair into a tennis ball and so came the decline of Chelsea's field antics. When a man cuts his own hair, he's given up. What in you must die for you to think, "You know what, I don't really feel like going out of my way to consult a professional stylist, do something to my hair and deal with the up keep. I'll just shave it here at home because it's easier to manage". When has easier to manage ever been good? If living an "easier to manage" life was the best then we'd all be driving diesel 7 seater MPVs and we'd only wear beige and olive green tracksuit pants and polo necks. When you give up on your appearance, you give up on yourself. When Torres cut his hair, his decline to the bottom of the barrel was imminent. The fire died the day he bought the clippers out.
My best friend Fernando Torres has become too comfortable. He earns around £175 000 a week and you know what, he deserves it. He's done so well in his life to command that kind of pay package but it's become too much. What we need to do to bring back our old 'Nando is to put him on the dole. His family can still benefit from his high pay, don't let innocent people suffer but Torres must start from the bottom, all over again. Take him back to his scouser roots, where he played like a machine. Living on the high street has made him soft. Take away his Aston Martin, make him pull a Mancini and ride a bike to training. Use the bus. The only time he should be around his beautiful beast of a machine is when he's washing it. Wax on, wax off. It worked for the Karate Kid so it most definitely work for a talent like Torres.
Also, the biggest problem is that, I don't think 'Nando can speak english so well. This is also a good thing though because then he can't fully understand what his haters are saying but that also means he can't understand what his team mates are saying. The thing about London is that it has become a multi-ethnic melting pot of diversity. He can get away with being comfortable not speaking English, no one will judge him. Back in Liverpool, people are too thick to learn new languages so he had to suffer and learn the language and in his suffering, he became a football king. If Gary Cahill is gonna clear the ball from the back and Torres is in a position to get the ball over the head of the last defender, ol' Gazza can't suddenly learn Spanish in that short time and say, "El Fernando, los ballos over die headen! Arriba!". It's not gonna happen. He's gonna be like, "Oi Fezza, get ya'self out 'nd o'er t last man, squire" but Nando can't understand that so he'll fall back and the ball will go over and the keeper will get it. Also, when he scores a goal - which he does and they're beautiful - he can't celebrate fully because SUCK MY DICK just doesn't translate well into Spanish.
So basically, what we need to do, to get our Torres back is to really work on his whole appearance and how people perceive him. At Liverpool, his best mate was an Englishman so it's important that this happens again. At Liverpool he had the best hair of anyone and it's important that this happens again. At Liverpool he worked hard behind the scenes and it's important this happens again. We need to stop looking at Torres as someone who came and became a flop of money because that is simply not true. He is still a giant talent and I feel there's a lot that he can offer on and off the field. Torres just came in at a time where things were changing and he got left behind because no one understood him. The only man who could've taken him into the future was Anceloti and he was sacked before he could walk 'Nando through. I believe that if you gave me 6 months with Torres, I could bring you what we've all been needing to see from the man. Spanish Football is dead now, we need to move on to the future. We need to bring back the scouser.
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