I think I've been called every name there is to be called in this situation and you know what, I'm sure I'm deserving of some of it. I'm sure I've done enough to warrant some of the things you hold against me and that's ok, I know that and I've owned up to that. But what I don't get is how it's so easy for you to take all that, without pause or question, and take it up as the absolute truth. That's just something I've always failed to understand. I'm the kind of person who likes to understand something. I want to know the reason behind something. I want to see the strings that control the puppetry. I fail to see that in you. I fail to see the need to fully understand a concept, to take it further than as what it's laid before you to be but to know it as a whole idea. I've wondered about this for so long now.
Why do I say this? Well it's simple really. Every time we've had some sort of fall out, it's been a barrage laid at me with a whole, "me against the world" type attitude. The go-to stance of those in fear. It took me a while to notice - although I don't know why when all the signs were there. The countless times I'd been told about this, you'd swear I'd have had it under wraps - and really that came to bite me hard on the soft globes. Granted everyone will do what is necessary to do in a situation to make sure they come out on top. That's just basic self preservation and I'm guilty of that. The easiest thing to do though when faced with something you don't quite fully understand or feel comfortable with is to try tear it down and lash against it. We fear what we don't understand and I can only conclude that's what you were doing. You told me many times that you feared I could destroy you and if I really wanted to then I'm sure I could have but the simple truth here is that you played as much an active role in all this as I did. Never once was my intention for anything bad to come out of this. Not once did I say, "You know what, I'm gonna set out now and do my best to get under this person's skin, really play with their emotions for my own personal ends." Not once did I see this as something to take lightly. The whole playing with emotions deal is a serious thing and a lot of damage can be done.
I think I got wound up into this web a whole lot quicker than I would've liked and yes, for that I can commend you but I can't give you all the credit. I definitely left my defenses way low down. I came into this with no fore-thought. Not a single alarm went off in my head, nothing. Whether it was me being unbelievably trusting and willing to be open or just a lapse of complete concentration, I don't know but something in my mind never really clicked for me to wade with caution. And caution for what? What's the worst thing that could possibly happen. Since when did anything bad happen to Msizi! I'm fine. I'm always fine and always will be, that's the beauty and tragedy of being me. No matter how much something truly does affect me, I'll never let on. Right now this could be seen as me showing that all of this bothered me more than I'd like to admit but on the other side of the coin, this could just be me playing a game. All of this could've been one gigantic farce. Those are two quite real possibilities. It's sad and fascinating at the same time.
It's a bit sad though innit? I mean both of us could turn around and play either one of those roles, whether it meant something or whether it didn't and the other party would accept it. Like I know you may one day read this and think, "ah this eejit is speaking trash, I said what I said that night and he forgot and now he's got the audacity to say all this!?" and in a way you'd be right to react that way but also you'd have no right to at all. Because when it comes down to it, I didn't choose to end up the way I did that night, not once did I expect for that to happen and besides that, the fact that you never once brought it up goes to show that even if it did all mean as much as you said it did, it couldn't have meant that much at all if you could suddenly turn cold to it like that. That's really all that gets to me. The whole, "Well if things don't follow this set path then it's just not it" mentality you follow. I can see how it works and such but that narrow scope is more damaging in the long run than anything and I really hope one day you see it.
I harbour no ill feeling towards you but I don't have any others. Whether you're friend or foe I do not know, I guess it depends on the day right now. We have no communication and if that's how it is then so be it, I don't feel strongly about whether we do or don't because both have their benefits and their pitfalls. I told myself to take a step back and see if anything would come from your side and nothing did and so that's that. Although that's also quite dumb of me to be making assumptions, something I so strongly hate, but sometimes you just have to go with it. For the record I kept it 100% with you, whether it was blind devotion or what, I don't know but that's what it was. I'm not upset or anything either, this post really probably won't even be seen by you and that's great. I didn't write it for that. It was just a closing thought, one I may have completely wrong, one I may not. Who knows. I just have ultimo peace right now and that's really what the purpose of this thing was. It was for me.
Anyway, I've lost my train of thought and no, this isn't some attempt to take on your character or what not, it's just my simple rant on something I can only understand, simply.
No comments:
Post a Comment