Blegh.

You know when you lose something/someone very important to you? There is a gap that is so unbelievably hard to fill that you feel as if you'll forever have this gaping hole in your life? You know when you just can't seem to ever imagine going through another situation like that again because you just don't know if you could handle it all over again? I felt like that. Today as I was walking through town, listening to music and singing to myself as I normally do, I started thinking. I had thoughts about the time where I lost my best friend. I lost my buddy whom I had shared so many special moments with, I lost my compadre and to this day I hadn't been able to really think about it. Today I looked at these dogs, said 'whats up' to them and suddenly everything just felt all right. I haven't been able to stomach the thought of having another dog again since Supanova croaked. I've hung out with many other dogs since then but I didn't ever feel like I could handle owning another dog. Building up that kind of relationship and then suddenly having it puff out, it seemed hard and if I'm honest, it seemed tedious. But today, as I gave more thought to it, I could see myself going through that again. I think I've grieved long enough now. It's time I put on my XXL pants and gave it a shot at some point. Im not going to go out of my way to try and become a dog owner again but if it were to happen of it's own accord then I'd be okay with it. Now to think the same way about a whole lot more other things.

Shiver - Coldplay

So I look in your direction,
But you pay me no attention, do you?
I know you don't listen to me.
'cause you say you see straight through me, don't you?

And on and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I'll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I'll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

Did you want me to change?
Well I changed for good
And I want you to know.
That you'll always get your way
I wanted to say,

Don't you Shiver?
Shiver
Sing it loud and clear

I'll always be waiting for you,
So you know how much I need you,
But you never even see me, do you?
And is this my final chance of getting you?

And on and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I'll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I'll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Did you want me to change?
Well I changed for good
And I want you to know.
That you'll always get your way
I wanted to say,

Don't you Shiver?
Don't you Shiver?

Sing it loud and clear.
I'll always be waiting for you.

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.
Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.
For you,
I will always be waiting.

And it's you I see, but you don't see me.
And it's you I hear, so loud and so clear
I sing it loud and clear.
And I'll always be waiting for you.

So I look in your direction,
But you pay me no attention,
And you know how much I need you,
But you never even see me.
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Dead Ant.

I've been killing ants lately. I've been squashing the little creatures as they mill about on their various missions. I don't know why I do it sometimes. I have moments where I reason with myself and tell myself that they're just brainless creatures on their predestined mission to work themselves to death, why must I interfere.

I try hard not to. I try sometimes to just cast a blind eye to their activities. I try to ignore their set patterns on the wall. The train of small black spots moving constantly along my wall like a living crack. I try to let them be. I know I must be so frightening to them. Sometimes I try to remove them from where they're annoying me but I always squash them when I try picking them up, keeping the cycle spinning even further. They must think me to be some merciless giant taker of life. I'm not though. I really don't mean to take out there numbers. I don't mean to chop down their workforce, making the other's have to pick up the slack. It's not my intention. I have nothing against them. Ants are the most hard working things around and we all should really have their mentality when it comes to hard work. Being rather brainless is a huge negative for them but in their defence, it let's them focus and that's what works for them.

I'm going to try and not harm another ant if I can help it. This requires a gentle touch and if I can pull this off, I think we'll all get along just fine. But there is no way in hell I'm gonna let those bastards crawl on me, that's that shit I don't like.

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Time.

I'm sitting in my room, hunched over my desk. My computer hums its song of turning fans and working processors. Dogs are barking somewhere far off outside my tightly shut windows, a boy racer tears down the streets at midnight but all my attention is on the ticking of my pocket watch.

Time is something that often puzzles my mind, what I should really say is, the way we utilise time puzzles my mind. They say time waits for no man but yet we still waste it like it is something that will always be there. We treat time like we are the ones that it needs and not the other way round. We treat time like a lackey or even a common vagrant. I wish I knew how much time I've spent doing things in my life. I wish I knew how many hours I'd spent on things that were good and enriching. I wish I had the stats on the amount of time wasted on things that would never bring anything to me. The fine line we tread with time is whether we are using it constructively or pissing it out onto the floor. I've pissed a lot of time out in the past and now it's come to the point where it haunts me.

I'm tired of laying awake at night and cursing the missed opportunities because of my own mismanagement. I know this is as cliché as they come but this is a new year, this is a new beginning and if I can help it, this is the point where I stop mucking about. 365 days aren't really all that much when you think about it. It's taken me this long to realise but I'm glad it was early on. 348 more to make a difference with.
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Subject.

An uncommon beauty travelling through. Visions etched on the inside of my eyelids, so much so that I can see your face in the Catherine's wheels of my tight shut eyes.

You're the lucid moment in my madness. The metronome stitching together this cacophony. My words aren't lost on you, only sometimes a little wasted. I can't control the failings of my vocabulary. I can't siphon out the words to make you better understand my brain's adept description of you. Misinterpreted sentences and unforgiven gestures have lead to our demise, but the strings that control the puppetry have always welcomed our torrid love affair.

I know you well, from impassioned lust to fervent love. You know my flaws better than I do, and I could label all I find lacking in you. We could go back and forth for days but what I admire in you would take me years to put down. It's that shy, innocent smile that directly links your heart to your face. Your eyes that fuel romantic stories, pools of an uncertain green which pull and drown me away from all of my vapid thoughts. Your laugh that still rings through my head, releasing endorphins like my favourite song. You have the kind of demeanour that tugs at my indifference. Pulling me out of the cave that I have hollowed out to keep me safe and protected from the emotions that I fear to show, but you've seen them. You've dined underneath their burning lights, you've felt their heat and watched, marvelling at how they reddened your soft skin. You've recited the stories of how they left you with breath fleeting. You know things that no one would ever believe.

Right now I fear the thought of you. I fear the closeness that you so easily obtain, the comfort you bring within me. I fear that your open palm readily has turned into a closed fist without the merest warning. I've known what it's like to lose you. I vowed never to face that again. I'm not about to go back and relive the past in hopes of trying to change things around because that would never work. When it comes to our understanding, there is no point in pretending that we are closer than this because we both know that what lies on ahead, is a lot more blurry than anything else before.
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