How Grand It Must Be To Be Depressed.

Depressed people have it so easy. How grand is a life of giving up. Lying in your bed, tangled up in the coils of your duvet as the stranglehold of your despondency keeps you down. Your big, brown gown being the only thing that covers your shame. How nice it must be to drink your cup of hot water and lemon. Lying on your back, listening to The Healing by Bloc Party as you stare out the cracks of your shut curtains at the rain soaked windows. Oh, how grand it must be to be depressed.

The ones who have it tough, the ones who are dealt a raw card are the ones that have a smile on their face. The battle to hold onto the curve. The struggle to power a diaphragm fuelled on laughs. The changing of every situation to find the positives, that's what is hard. Silver linings aren't known for their eagerness to be found without a struggle. Positivity isn't famous for being made of solid gold. Happiness isn't invincible. I respect the sunshine children because they're the ones that face darkness the most.
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Silly Little Gripes

I hurt my ankle the other day. Way to do something silly and make myself less of a human. It annoys me the most when I hurt myself. Why? Why must I suddenly become an invalid. It makes no sense. I can walk on it and stuff, it feels fine to after a couple of days but I can't as yet do anything vigorous. I went through the city on Monday, longest afternoon of my life trying to hobble through with it threatening to seize up at any given moment. I've been chilling at home and now it only really hurts when I get up in the morning or if I forget and try move my foot in ways it shouldn't. I should be back to winning ways soon.

I need someone to explain something to me. What happened to strong women who weren't afraid of their own shadows? What happened to women who could stand up for themselves? Women who would never rely on anyone else? What happened to women that love themselves? It seems these days that the time of self sacrifice is upon them. I can point out up to 15 females in any given room that feel less than themselves unless they're holding onto a man's coat tails. That's not cool. Where does it say that you're only complete when you have someone by your side? Okay, being alone isn't for everyone, it can suck but what is it about being in a relationship that saps a person's brain from their head and shoves it deep up their asshole? I don't understand it at all and it isn't even girls only that are at fault. I've seen guys lose their heads like this too. What is it about the person you're with that makes you put up with their constant crap all the time. I don't believe that it's love that makes people put up with half the things they do. I think that love has long deserted a relationship once pain and anger become the mainstay emotions. If you can look at the person you're with and have to start justifying their behaviour, it's going downhill my friend. I've heard a million and one bitter tales of betrayal and silliness and every time I say, "Hey, that aint right" I'm greeted with, "I know, but..." Don't tell me your story if you're going to come back at me with justifications to make it sound like what's going on is ok. Why did you even bother to come to me then if you already have your mind set on carrying on with what's going on. I feel feathers. If you're not willing to do something about the situation you're in then please, don't waste the time of another person by dumping all of that on them.

I seem to only blog about my gripes these days. Haha I think I'm growing so old and bored with life these days that all I can do is complain. That's not true though. Msizi isn't full of complaints. If anything, I feel the better than I have in a long time. I have many a reason to smile, a thousand reasons to laugh and so many things that leave me silent in awe. There are so many good things I want to post about but I think those just need a little bit more time to simmer up to a boil first.
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There Was A Title Here Before

I've found myself a subject. A mouldable brain that I can jam my fingers into and shape into a form that I can look back and be proud of. I've happened upon the brain of Peener Meener.

Poor little lady. She'd been so lost musically for such a long time. I've only ever had one decent conversation with Pontso and that was when we debated the properties of One Direction, as musicians and as an image. She made such valid points that for that moment, that brief second, I actually thought she was half decent. For someone I speak to daily, you'd think by now we would've had a few real conversations but no, she's a stubborn mule. Anyway, after breaking through her tough, uneducated music center with the brilliance of Bloc Party, I got her to give Arctic Monkeys a listen and now she's sold on Alex Turner.

There's something you gotta understand about trying to show someone the way. Some people you can just point in the right direction and they'll take it up and not waiver. Some people need a bit of coaxing and then they'll be okay and then some need you to get so on their level that you end up having to scrub yourself three times as much in the shower because you've had to stoop so low in the muck and the mire. I've been dragged through the trenches with this character. On the surface you'd think Peen Meen is a simple character. Likes things that are shiny, has taste for things that many see none of and is a wannabe worldie. You could be forgiven for making these assumptions, I did the same thing but nope, this here sack of beans is strung up tighter than a witch to a stake. Did you know the only reason she's listened to Arctic Monkeys is because she things Alex Turner is a pretty man? Alex Turner is the coolest person on two legs right now, I'll be the first to admit that but I thought he was cool before he got the impressive haircut and swagger. I thought he was cool because he made epic music. Sally over there only listened to his music presumably after finding pictures of him smoking a cigarette and having her ovaries clench themselves in awe. I'm not complaining though, at least she's listening to something worthwhile.

I think in maybe a decade, Genghis Khan over there will be listening to more music that'll make her more endearing to me and we could one day become friends. I have half a mind to try find something about White Lies that makes them more appealing to her just because I think they're so very underrated and Big TV has some of the greatest songs of the year. All in due time.
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French Exit - Bloc Party. (My Effort At Fixing A Butchery)

I don't know who posted lyrics to French Exit by Bloc Party on the internet but I'm pretty sure they're someone who's never heard the song before. How can you honestly listen to the song and then pick out the most incoherent string of words that sound like nothing Kele is saying? It grinds my gears that someone could butcher one of the most powerful Bloc Party songs - in my opinion. I don't know all the lyrics and I'm not saying I'm perfect but I think my effort will be a damn sight better than what's up.

Let's get it straight I'm not good with goodbyes

But it was getting kind of dry, I better leave, I better bounce

(I'm not sure about that part.)

Got one foot out the door and the other inside

We were running out of money so you aint got nothing for me

I wish I could say that at least we had fun

Thanks for the memories but we know there were none

Matter fact, I was kinda hoping you would pick up the bill

Don't get it twisted, see this is how we living

Get that statement 

Then get even.

Use them all up

Leave them bleeding.

Don't give up while they're still breathing.

Get that statement

Then get even.

Let's get real, who's really to blame

We're slipping through it once, never ever again.

Is it really so bad if this is the end

I  was never gonna care, you were never gonna change.

So dance on your heart and on top of the game

Don't stop when they're down, we entered to play.

You see I got a plan without (I don't know what he says after that)

We wont be done, I'm looking out for number one.

Get that statement 

Then get even.

Use them all up

Leave them bleeding.

Don't give up while they're still breathing.

Get that statement

Then get even.

That's just my attempt at it. It's not 100% or anything but it's a million times better than anything you'll find right now. I just wish Bloc Party would release the real thing.

Corrupted

I told you I hated them corrupted.
I told you their black lungs could never release the words that I hold dear.
I told you their dark red lips would only sing songs that lead to ruin.
I told you I hated them corrupted.

I love them corrupted.
I love the masked pain that sits only evident in their eyes.
The glint of bereavement, quaint and curious.
I love their measured laughs at displeasure.
I love the nonchalance that clings to them like a shadow, always calling you to their side.


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I Used To Let Frizz Rule My Life.

I read your post. There was no way I wouldn't. If something has any kind of minute link to me, it often ends up as an open tab in front of my screen. It was powerful.

Last night was strange, that wasn't me. I don't know what it was. There is no way that those words would've left a sober mind. I think it was a build up of frustration. Not at you, I could never be frustrated with you, I was frustrated with me. It drives me up the wall that you're so near and I can't do anything about it. I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I've never been one to deprive myself of anything that I want and the fact of the matter is, I want you. I'm not gonna beat around the bush, or throw you into one again. You came as a breath of the freshest air to ever hit my lungs. You know when you come home after a rough day, nothing as gone right, your best friend exploded, someone ate your lunch bagel and your ex just told you they used your credit card information to buy your soul but as soon as you get in the house, you smell that sweet goodness of your favourite meal and it puts a smile on your face? That's you. That it you in your entirety.

I wont lie and say I didn't think of quitting. What sense does it make to be into someone who has a whole life completely outside of you? I don't think I've ever sat myself down like this and told myself to keep away. Usually I'd have bound in like a fatty at a buffet, all the eats you can muster and you don't have to worry about cleaning up because someone else will. I could never do that to you. I'd hate myself for ruining something you hold dear, even though I think it's shit, because you're the one that cares about it then that kinda makes me do too. It's sick and twisted, right?

It's also not like what you've told me is new. I've always known. I've always known because it's exactly how I feel. I'd rather have you there as a mate than never have you around at all. It's not that you're not worth it, in all honesty, it's because you are. I wake up sometimes and think, "You know what, I'm so glad I sat next to that strange little girl on the couch that one time and forced her to invite me on BBM because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have this fuzzy weird feeling inside." It's weird because that feeling has been missing from me for a long time. Nigh on two years that this cold heart hasn't churned in such a way. I don't want us to happen now, I'm definitely not ready for that kind of responsibility. Being all the best I could be for you is something I take very seriously and I'm nowhere near even being half of that. Last night was my wimpish way of trying to jump ship so we both never have to ever possibly face all the things that could go wrong but right now, I hate myself for putting that out there because we could've easily missed all the things that could go so very right. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that.

Never ever second guess the way I feel about you. In our strange ups and downs, that stays the same. Haha I also blame you for my current dry spell. I can't even bother to find another interesting or worth a go because in the back of my mind they don't compare to you. I have a few girls that would like your head because of the way I acted after it clicked that they weren't anything like the ultimate Shitlord.