I read your post. There was no way I wouldn't. If something has any kind of minute link to me, it often ends up as an open tab in front of my screen. It was powerful.
Last night was strange, that wasn't me. I don't know what it was. There is no way that those words would've left a sober mind. I think it was a build up of frustration. Not at you, I could never be frustrated with you, I was frustrated with me. It drives me up the wall that you're so near and I can't do anything about it. I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I've never been one to deprive myself of anything that I want and the fact of the matter is, I want you. I'm not gonna beat around the bush, or throw you into one again. You came as a breath of the freshest air to ever hit my lungs. You know when you come home after a rough day, nothing as gone right, your best friend exploded, someone ate your lunch bagel and your ex just told you they used your credit card information to buy your soul but as soon as you get in the house, you smell that sweet goodness of your favourite meal and it puts a smile on your face? That's you. That it you in your entirety.
I wont lie and say I didn't think of quitting. What sense does it make to be into someone who has a whole life completely outside of you? I don't think I've ever sat myself down like this and told myself to keep away. Usually I'd have bound in like a fatty at a buffet, all the eats you can muster and you don't have to worry about cleaning up because someone else will. I could never do that to you. I'd hate myself for ruining something you hold dear, even though I think it's shit, because you're the one that cares about it then that kinda makes me do too. It's sick and twisted, right?
It's also not like what you've told me is new. I've always known. I've always known because it's exactly how I feel. I'd rather have you there as a mate than never have you around at all. It's not that you're not worth it, in all honesty, it's because you are. I wake up sometimes and think, "You know what, I'm so glad I sat next to that strange little girl on the couch that one time and forced her to invite me on BBM because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have this fuzzy weird feeling inside." It's weird because that feeling has been missing from me for a long time. Nigh on two years that this cold heart hasn't churned in such a way. I don't want us to happen now, I'm definitely not ready for that kind of responsibility. Being all the best I could be for you is something I take very seriously and I'm nowhere near even being half of that. Last night was my wimpish way of trying to jump ship so we both never have to ever possibly face all the things that could go wrong but right now, I hate myself for putting that out there because we could've easily missed all the things that could go so very right. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that.
Never ever second guess the way I feel about you. In our strange ups and downs, that stays the same. Haha I also blame you for my current dry spell. I can't even bother to find another interesting or worth a go because in the back of my mind they don't compare to you. I have a few girls that would like your head because of the way I acted after it clicked that they weren't anything like the ultimate Shitlord.
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