.

Yesterday I was destroyed. I got caught with the kung fu grip and split right down the middle. It hurts just thinking about it. I've never felt so utterly useless in my life before.

When you had a boyfriend it was chill. He dominated your time and that meant that there was no pressure on you and I. There was no need to hang out or try and make anything work, we were just two people sitting on some feelings for one another. This all now hasn't gone so great. We've had some good times but we've also had some pretty crap times and that's understandable, it happens to everyone. The thing is, we're not everyone and I think it's time we stopped thinking that way and having to contest with them. We've had it against us from the very beginning and it hasn't let up. I still don't get why people would so readily meddle with us. Of course things would be a little tough for us considering we're not the type to readily compromise and stuff like that, we haven't made it much easier on ourselves.. We're two hard headed people and that's fantastic, it's great that we can keep to our guns and blaze all kinds of havoc but they really shouldn't be pointed at one another.

I'm gonna address this now because it's plagued me and I know I've probably already said this. I wasn't in the right frame of mind when we spoke yesterday so this will just go out here anyway. I completely hate it that you hang out with it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it and I hate it some more. I don't understand why you still do and even though I won't openly say it, it hurts me. I know him and I weren't the best of mates but imagine if I'd done that with one of your friends. I know for a fact it would bother you if I still kept them around. I trust him as far as I can throw him and I've brought that up before and I just kinda puzzle as to why it still happens. I understand that you're friends and all but it feels like he's your go-to when you're upset with me and that cuts me. You can't even begin to imagine how it felt to have him say how whenever you're mad at me, you call him up. It's made me second guess myself. If I was doing all that with Stacey, it would upset you. I know I'm still mates with her and stuff and we've seen each other too and I get that it's wrong and I shouldn't be doing that and then getting upset over you doing that and it's selfish of me but I think now's the time for me to be a little selfish. I've been so lackadaisical about us and I think now's the time for me to actually be more of a proper person to you. You don't deserve all this pain and unease. I know I've not been great to you and I'm sorry for that, for it all. You're purely fantastic and I know I can surprise you. I know I can be that person that you need right now, I know I have it all in me because when it comes down to it I'm honestly so flipping amazing that it kills me how utterly shit I've been. You deserve the world at your doorstep and knowing I haven't given that to you up till now is inexcusable.

The fact that I'm not making you happy right now makes me so angry. It's what I'm supposed to do, it's everything I want to do and the fact that things got so pear shaped and out of hand just makes me feel second rate. I know I've done my fair share to add to all this misery and I'm disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed I turned around and handled the situation like I did. The biggest problem with us is that it would take a proper conscious effort for it to work and let me be honest with you, I haven't pulled my weight in that department. I've been fringing it, mulling the idea over and yes I know I can do it, I know I should do it and I know I want to do it but I haven't and this is why we're in this mess. I'm the furthest thing from perfect and you may not feel like I can but I really can be great. I have it in me to be leaps and bounds above all the rest, it's not even a thing to be doubted. I just haven't and that's not fair on either one of us. I guess that's also added to all the frustrations and what got me the most is that there's someone else pretending for the throne and that's just not right, I can and never will let that happen. Last time I was with someone I got shafted so hard. There I was thinking I was the only one as she was the only one and next thing I know, I've got egg all over my face. I guess for a very long time that was what I was trying to avoid with you and I and in doing so I've gone and landed with the very same result. I understand and accept my faults. I know where I've gone wrong. I didn't try hard enough to make you more of an actual part of my life and if you like someone, you're very much expected to do that, it's just something you do.. It's not that I didn't want to or anything either, because I do and I most happily will. I want you to play a big part in my life, I know you can. There's not a moment where I don't think sheer greatness will come from you and you've never given me much reason to doubt that. Yes, I've had reason to doubt you but I've never once doubted what you can do. I guess I just kinda thought that once we start dating, then everything like that will happen. That's not the case though. This time here, before we even get to that is highly crucial. This is where the moves are made that will lead to a more stable relationship, to a stable anything really. This is the audition. I want to start it over. I want to create what I have in my mind. I only want greatness.

You're well annoying boo. You drive me up the wall on a normal day but I wouldn't have it any other way. I think you're brilliant. You're smart, sexy and aloof and that's a great mix on you. Not many can pull it off quite like you do.

This here now is good, it's not the best but it can work. We're convenient and that works. Yes we're useless at our planning and executing but at least we work something out from time to time. Obviously all of that doesn't really inspire much confidence. The whole being at arms length thing holds us way back and if we're ever to progress further than this then it has to stop. It used to drive me crazy. It used to make me feel mad annoyed but after the last few weeks I've just learnt to let be what is and do me. Yes, okay it still annoys me but I'm not gonna try push it on further, it just leads to arguments and that's never good, that won't get us Facebook official. There's too much that goes on unsaid and brushed off and around. That's no way to start anything or take anything further. I'm not about to let you down so you don't stress. I'd just like a bit more of a boost in confidence in all this. I know it's there.

When you're ready to come and kick it, when you're keen to become Facebook official, I'll be there. I've stalled in doing me these days and that's had me feeling tense and frustrated but it's all coming to me. When you ready to do us I'll be there, just don't keep me waiting too long.

Everybody's got their box
Doing what they're told
You pushed my faith near being lost
But we'll stick to the guns
Don't care if it's marketing suicidal
Won't crack or compromise
Your do-rights or individes
Will never unhinge us

You're alright.

I don't know, maybe I've been out the game for too long. Maybe the rules have changed drastically from what I remember and new things fly more freely now, but bear with my old school notion for a second.

From what I remember, if you hooked up with someone a few times, were pretty open about how you felt about them which often lead to you being ''together'' then you'd not be seen with someone else. Let's say I hook up with a girl, we've been vibing a while, the chances of me hooking up with someone else would diminish. If I were hooking up with someone else then that would give a lot of mixed signals and that just leads to a communication break down. I wouldn't be seen dead with girl number 2 if I had any form of feelings for girl number 1, it's simple. Firstly because that's a dick move. Secondly that'll have both people feeling like they have a shot and there's nothing worse than stringing people along, it grinds my gears. I mean you don't have to have a set out blueprint for how everything works but simple logic dictates that if you come across a situation that could cause possible harm to you or others, you avoid it. Thirdly it's about showing some resoect. You've got to respect people enough to give them the decency to be spared all those possible hurt feelings. Nothing worse than finding out that while you thought all was going well, someone else was going just as well too. Don't put egg on someone's face. Nip it in the bud and steer clear from that. The only possible outcome of that would be that you're left on your ace with two pissed off people.

But I don't know, these days I've been seeing that fly a lot. Like the level of it has actually been blown sky high. Like I know right now I'm in my own situation that just makes my blood boil - mostly because of my own folly of finding myself in the situation. But the amount of things I've been hearing, just this weekend alone, about all this is alarming. I really am for casual liasons. I've had friends with benefits and hook up buddies that I just see from time to time when the weather permits but none of that has ever had any kind of lasting promise to it so it's never been an issue. If they were hooking up too then even better, less drama for me to deal with. It was a win win. But once you put something more on the line, that all stops.

I was massively turned off a lot of characters when I heard this and it also niggles at me a bit just because it's a bit too close to home but I mean I'd like to think I know how to handle myself in such situations and sometimes you've just gotta be chill and let the breeze flow, you know. I just hope that you find some clarity and things go right for you. I got you.

Sometimes you can be so right that it's basically fatal for my ego to admit. Sometimes you can be so wrong that it's fatal for my ego to accept. This time you're right.

When it comes to being a dick, I'm the head honcho. Most times I don't even do it on purpose, especially not to you. I've been so out of the loop when it comes to dealing with someone's emotions over a long period of time that I fully understand that I'm rusty. I kinda wish it wasn't you that had to deal with all this fine tuning because you don't deserve that. You're the only one I can openly say that I would drop what I'm doing just to be by your side in a heartbeat. I know that's faggoty but it's true. You've got a bit of a point. Well you've got a substantially large point. When it comes to playing games, I'm captain. Like I said before, I've let my edges get so rough that smoothing them out is taking a little longer than I would've hoped.

I'm sure you hate me right now and I don't blame you, right now I hate me for making you hate me, and then on top of that I hate me for making you hate me and hate me for making you hate me, hate me. I've gone and confused myself there but basically even though it doesn't seem that way, I'm a lot softer these days than before and that's foreign to me. Yes I am a closed book. I'm a shut 100 000 page book of twisted workings that I'm both surprised and flattered that you'd even want to even look in this direction. It won't happen over night but I do think that I could find myself turning the pages for you. I know it will take time and at the same time I can be so pushy about time that it's a bit of a cooked situation. How can I be like, Ahh I need time to get comfy and then at the same time complain that we don't spend time. Twisted.

I'll admit I am way more open and stuff when I'm drunk and that's because at that time I'm not afraid of any judgement. These days you say a few things and then all of a beeswax you're taken for an emotional fool and next thing you know you're a heaving mess of gnarled up nerve endings in the shower, trying to scrape away memories and writing sad hiakus on the shower window with your tears. That's not a good look for anyone - I never want that to be me. I definitely care which way this thing goes. Haha I care a poes load. I would never have blogged about you if I didn't. This is my little chamber and what makes it onto here means a lot to me, you mean a lot to me. I'm sorry I give off the impression of someone who doesn't care, it's a defence mechanism more than anything. I hate failure and the last thing I'd want to do is fail here, right where it counts the most.

 I understand that you've told me so much about you. It feels like I've known you for ages, in the time we've spent together I've come to know and understand so much about you and it's barely even been the length of a ball hair. There are obviously still parts of you that I know nothing about or understand at all and this is why we're having this sub-blogging thing going on. In time.

Anyway, I have a whole lot more to say but I don't think it's all right to say it on here. There's just some things that should be said and not left to be read on a cheap blog. I'm sorry I hurt you, that was me being an idiot at my finest. I seem to be doing that a lot these days, I'm gonna end that shit.