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Yesterday I was destroyed. I got caught with the kung fu grip and split right down the middle. It hurts just thinking about it. I've never felt so utterly useless in my life before.

When you had a boyfriend it was chill. He dominated your time and that meant that there was no pressure on you and I. There was no need to hang out or try and make anything work, we were just two people sitting on some feelings for one another. This all now hasn't gone so great. We've had some good times but we've also had some pretty crap times and that's understandable, it happens to everyone. The thing is, we're not everyone and I think it's time we stopped thinking that way and having to contest with them. We've had it against us from the very beginning and it hasn't let up. I still don't get why people would so readily meddle with us. Of course things would be a little tough for us considering we're not the type to readily compromise and stuff like that, we haven't made it much easier on ourselves.. We're two hard headed people and that's fantastic, it's great that we can keep to our guns and blaze all kinds of havoc but they really shouldn't be pointed at one another.

I'm gonna address this now because it's plagued me and I know I've probably already said this. I wasn't in the right frame of mind when we spoke yesterday so this will just go out here anyway. I completely hate it that you hang out with it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it and I hate it some more. I don't understand why you still do and even though I won't openly say it, it hurts me. I know him and I weren't the best of mates but imagine if I'd done that with one of your friends. I know for a fact it would bother you if I still kept them around. I trust him as far as I can throw him and I've brought that up before and I just kinda puzzle as to why it still happens. I understand that you're friends and all but it feels like he's your go-to when you're upset with me and that cuts me. You can't even begin to imagine how it felt to have him say how whenever you're mad at me, you call him up. It's made me second guess myself. If I was doing all that with Stacey, it would upset you. I know I'm still mates with her and stuff and we've seen each other too and I get that it's wrong and I shouldn't be doing that and then getting upset over you doing that and it's selfish of me but I think now's the time for me to be a little selfish. I've been so lackadaisical about us and I think now's the time for me to actually be more of a proper person to you. You don't deserve all this pain and unease. I know I've not been great to you and I'm sorry for that, for it all. You're purely fantastic and I know I can surprise you. I know I can be that person that you need right now, I know I have it all in me because when it comes down to it I'm honestly so flipping amazing that it kills me how utterly shit I've been. You deserve the world at your doorstep and knowing I haven't given that to you up till now is inexcusable.

The fact that I'm not making you happy right now makes me so angry. It's what I'm supposed to do, it's everything I want to do and the fact that things got so pear shaped and out of hand just makes me feel second rate. I know I've done my fair share to add to all this misery and I'm disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed I turned around and handled the situation like I did. The biggest problem with us is that it would take a proper conscious effort for it to work and let me be honest with you, I haven't pulled my weight in that department. I've been fringing it, mulling the idea over and yes I know I can do it, I know I should do it and I know I want to do it but I haven't and this is why we're in this mess. I'm the furthest thing from perfect and you may not feel like I can but I really can be great. I have it in me to be leaps and bounds above all the rest, it's not even a thing to be doubted. I just haven't and that's not fair on either one of us. I guess that's also added to all the frustrations and what got me the most is that there's someone else pretending for the throne and that's just not right, I can and never will let that happen. Last time I was with someone I got shafted so hard. There I was thinking I was the only one as she was the only one and next thing I know, I've got egg all over my face. I guess for a very long time that was what I was trying to avoid with you and I and in doing so I've gone and landed with the very same result. I understand and accept my faults. I know where I've gone wrong. I didn't try hard enough to make you more of an actual part of my life and if you like someone, you're very much expected to do that, it's just something you do.. It's not that I didn't want to or anything either, because I do and I most happily will. I want you to play a big part in my life, I know you can. There's not a moment where I don't think sheer greatness will come from you and you've never given me much reason to doubt that. Yes, I've had reason to doubt you but I've never once doubted what you can do. I guess I just kinda thought that once we start dating, then everything like that will happen. That's not the case though. This time here, before we even get to that is highly crucial. This is where the moves are made that will lead to a more stable relationship, to a stable anything really. This is the audition. I want to start it over. I want to create what I have in my mind. I only want greatness.