I think now that I look back on it, I probably was jealous. Now jealousy, jealousy is a weakness. It is a green little vile emotion that is the cancer of all thought. Jealousy is one of the main reasons behind any person's downfall. I hate it with such a strong passion. I hate it, I hate it so god damn much that I literally give my mind a chinese burn each time it even tries to bring up that nauseating feeling. I try my hardest not to entertain such thoughts. I feel weak if I let my mind wander down the alluring trail of loathing. I just cannot justify feeling envious of another person when I think so highly of myself. Being jealous doesn't cut it.
I'll say it again, I think I was jealous. Now let me explain just why I felt this say, just so it can make sense to me, and to anyone that bothers to even read this. I don't like being outdone. I'm very competitive. It may not look like it, I may look like a chilled out kind of guy and usually I am, but I can't use lose. I know I don't put in all my efforts, it's my main back fall excuse which lets me feel okay if I don't really succeed but it is the main reason why I do tend to doubt myself. I doubt myself more than the average person really should. I know I'm capable of doing great things but I tend not to believe it because I'd hate to think what it would be like if I couldn't achieve them. I do everything with a little niggling doubt and that is the main driving force behind my every effort. I want to squish the doubt and use its blood to shine up my victories. Anyway this is besides the point. The other day I realised I had gone back on everything I'd said I'd do now that I was a single man. I'd fraternity with the ex, made happy faces and had even touched faces a couple of times. I had given too much thought to the idea of a new start at an old past and I had become foolish enough to get comfortable with the idea. I had sold myself out. Unbeknownst to me, something else was brewing on the other side that would really put a spanner in my works. There was another that coveted the one that I did. Now this character has been around for ages. He was known to me, and rather disliked by me, before we even split up. I didn't really take much notice of him because I was assured on more than one occasion that he was nothing more of a chancer and someone she'd never ever pursue - silly me. Anyway, before I even knew about this guy, there was another by the same name that was also trying his luck. Now she told me about this guy, she told me about how he'd taken her on a date and it had been lovely, all of this happening the day after we'd spent the day together. I didn't really mind all that because we're both single and single people go on dates, it's what they do. So anyway, I'm hearing stories going around and my head is in a bit of a state. I wasn't too sure whether to go through with the idea of trying to be with her again or to leave things as they were and cut ties completely, once and for all. And this is when the green monster started to rear his head..
Now I've always been on the back foot with this girl. Too much old school thinking going on in a world of new school endeavours, you get me deal. So I've always had a lot of hoops to jump through and I really didn't care about all that because I genuinely liked this bint. But now came this new guy that I assumed must've been taken in like prince charming on his white stallion, that had come to save the fair maiden from the black dragon that held her captive. I could imagine the towns people rejoicing over what they would undoubtedly call the dawn of a new age. This would be what they dreamed of and they would never again have to fake the smiles of those who secretly hated every single moment of it. Old school. So now I'm feeling a little self conscious and it's really starting to grate my mind. I've got lines from Trojan Horse by Bloc Party blaring in my mind, all like, "Tell me what the other's can do, that I cant?" It's not a good time in my head. My heart is weighed down heavy and I'm just short of both time and patience with everything. I just couldn't deal with myself. I hated me, and that wasn't good. I decided to seek counsel with my go-to. We spoke of my folly and I had to admit that I was taken for a fool by my twisted emotions. I always knew that they worked against me and I always have them in check, it's just that sometimes they surprise me and it usually happens so easily when dealing with this girl. It makes me sick. So anyway, I speak to a friend, she tells me she's seen her with another guy, the one who was around before we split, and he's the one who has taken all her time and attention. If I could relay the sense of relief I felt when I was told who it was, I don't think you'd believe me. You know when you think you've flunked a test, only to find out that you got one of the highest marks? You know when you lose your phone after a night out and you search your pockets like a crazed hamboner, only to find your friend had it all along? Do you know the sense of relief that comes from a period after a pregnancy scare? None of those could compare. None of them. I felt like I could finally breathe again. I felt like everything I once knew was back in its place. I wasn't out gun by a new and improved faceless figure that would come in and shame my name. I knew who he is. I knew his weaknesses and most importantly, I knew why. I don't care if he's taken up in arms and loved by all those around, fuck that. It would only go to prove that the old school was the one toeing the line and I don't really care because the line is already there. I was only worried about this faceless entity coming in and destroying everything I had ever worked for and for me to have never known where it was where I lacked. The fear of the unknown is biblical. We fear what we don't understand and that is what hinders us. It is what brings forth all the negatives that we see everyday and it is what cripples us.
I still went forward and told her how I felt. She told me to shit off and I was happy after that. I knew that I couldn't even begin to try and go back to a lifestyle I just couldn't stomach the thought of and the very fact that she was now with him, it made me nauseous. I can say that I'm not jealous, I feel relieved. I have no respect for the eejit and I feel feathers for the rest. I can compare the thought of them together to an annoying jack Russell. Kick it under the table and tell it to "fuckoffyouasshole", I'm trying to speak here.
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