What do I think?

What do I think, as someone involved? Well I think that we're at a point where we're either calling everything off or we really try hard to make this thing work. I feel as if you're basically biding your time, slowly making our way to the point of a split. Personally that is the very last thing I want and if it comes to that, I can say with all honestly that I'll feel like the biggest tit to walk this planet. All I wanted was for this time to finally work and it has the potential to work against all odds but you're leaving me as cold as ice and so confused that I really think that you've already half stepped out the door.

We've been here before. We become super busy for a while and then all of the fighting starts, we stop communicating properly and in my case, I start going out more often just for a bit of a breather. I knew we were on the path to breaking up last time, I was already dealing with it before you said it and by the time it came, I was fine. I guess I'm at that point now too, if we get the axe then I'll hopefully come through scar free and I'd be lying if I said I was gonna keep things like last time. If we fail then I'm gone, that's me, gone for good. Not just as a boyfriend but as a person, I won't exist in your world at all because I can't deal with that, I don't want reminders of what we had and how we let it go down just like before, I'll feel too embarrassed to even admit to ever being here.

I don't want that to happen. We've failed before, we now have something to use to our advantage. We know where we went wrong last time and we can fix that, I hope. We're not stupid, we know what needs to be done but we're too stubborn to be fully understanding to really have an open conversation like we really should and that there will be our death. I know I've been very busy as of late and I'm very drained physically and mentally that it really takes it out of me to be dealing with everything at the rate it comes but I'm more than willing to if it means saving something I hold dear. I'm not gonna make any bones about it, I love you and having you as mine has made me happier than anything else ever has, I'm not going down quietly on this one. I'm not letting you get away with meagre explanations and I know you struggle at saying what you wanna say but if there is any chance of fixing this then you're gonna have to step up and I am more than willing to better myself because I'm as faulty as they flipping come. If you want time to go and find yourself again then be my guest, but I'm not sitting here drawing on walls.

We're not about to fail, I'm not accepting that.

You're a mute here.

This person writing this post is on breaking point. I'm flipping drained. I think if I could have my way, I'd pack it all in and live somewhere far away for a little while, I really need a break.

I'm caught up between a battle of female wills that are too overpowering for me. Sometimes I think people forget that behind this exterior of bravado and eagerness to please without missing a step, lies a little boy still very afraid of failure, still very inept at dealing with many of today's crisis. I'm only one man who is walking on razor blades pretty much everywhere. I juggle the gigantic demands and the incomprehensible fluctuations in moods at work, only to be faced with more afterwards. I hope for a little respite but only get more of a beating down on various fronts. I'm really tired of it. Should I even try to speak against it and it increases ten fold to the point where I just even regret being there, in that situation and thinking I had any form of a leg to stand on by opening my mouth. I feel like I'm being talked over constantly. I'm being pulled this way and that, I'm like a rag doll caught between a bunch of princesses at a birthday party.

I need a break. I need to get away from it all. I need to just go climb into a hole and not see daylight for a few days, just to recharge my batteries. I need some time in a scenic location where I can look out and marvel and be surrounded by something that is unchanging. I need stillness. I need the quiet of an untouched place, a place that hasn't lost it's way and is so content in itself that it makes you feel like that even if there's a faint glimmer of hope, it's worth it. I need a flipping dagwood. I pretty much live for the moments when I walk in to find my friends in their various forms of disrepair after a long night and I can just sit down and listen to their whines for a moment and forget mine. Throw my phone far from me and sink into their drunken reminiscence. Right now all I want is some peace, even for a second.

If you cant trust me, then what can you do?

I wish I could live up to this playboy moniker I seem to have thrust around my head. If I could pull off half the things you think I'm capable of then I would totally understand. Basically, you've gone and given me a slap in the face and a short leash.

I don't know why though, I mean if I wanted to be unfaithful, do you really think I'd go and ask you to see me and then do something like that? I don't know what it is you think of me, I'm still a little bit taken aback by all this. If you can't trust me then what can you do? At the moment I feel as if I'm walking on a slippery precipice, trying to navigate my way without slipping and falling. Little things keep trying to push me over and I'm really walking on razor blades at the moment, trying to be is inoffensive as possible cuz I know I'll get a grilling and a torrent of water works. It really drains a person when they always have to be looking over their back like they know something big could crop up behind them without warning and eat them. I'm trying to be as accommodating as possible and I really feel I've been doing things by the book but I seem to be lacking in areas and that's normal, I'll work on fixing that, I just wish what I thought you understood about how I feel for you would be enough to tide me over till I worked it all out.

So you called Ralph

So tonight was the celebrations of Ben's 18th. I think after a day like this, it was amazing. I had a flipping great day at work. i've worked out that I actually do dig my job now that it has been made to be a good place to be. Hitler hasn't been on my case, I've been included in everything and all is well.

So it turns out Ben is in love. He has been in love with Jasmin Larkan for years so I cant be tuned for crap by Haggard. He made a huge call to Ralph and in that moment he fell in love. Vomit free since 3 hours ago... I have work tomorrow and Im not looking forward to it, it will be good but we'll see how it goes. I get how it works for some people, we go as far as the limit takes us and then go to where we seem to push it and yes they may judge but we dont care. I speak crap to this girl about sign language!!!

Anyway, Ben I hate you happy birthday. I cant post anymore.

Lend them your eyes.

I think you were right. Well you were right, unless I'm just saying that cuz I've had it on my brain. You got it spot on when you said I'd go crazy from it all. I do feel a little out of synch with myself. Haha I've learnt a few lessons from you, you were funny. But basically I didn't listen, as always and now I find myself looking at life through someone else's eyes.

It's weird how I can feel empathy. Well empathy isn't weird at all, it's necessary if you want to be something that resembles a human, what's weird is the way that I feel it. These past few days I feel as if I've trekked side by side with you on this journey. I feel as if I was sitting in the shadows in the corners of the room, watching it all unfold, sitting there quietly watching this union implode on it's rickety legs and being unable to say a thing. Like one of those dreams where you scream your lungs out but you're on mute, it's a terrible feeling. What bugs me is that I can completely relate, from both sides. I know what it's like to be the characters in your story and I feel sorry for the both of you. You're working with what is basically something brilliant but you're on different ledges on the side of a massive mountain. I once tried to start something I wasn't sure I could finish and it ate me whole, flipping chewed me up sideways to the point where I was afraid and confused, something I don't like so I jumped shit, I ran as far away as I possibly could and I realize now that that was the most idiotic thing, but also the greatest because now I know my limits. I'm very ashamed of my little pussy moment and I cringe when I think of how much of a fool I was but on the flipside, I'm really happy I did that because if I hadn't, I wouldn't know what it is that I want and I wouldn't be with the person I'm with now.

Haha basically there is no shame in defeat. There is always a positive to any negative, you just gotta be able to sieve it out. I know you're broken in the head and don't know what's going on, you're a bit lost but there's that one eejit over there who's handing out your favourite chocolate in pudding form, saying, "Chill Kwagg".

Christmas Cheer

Christmas is coming up and everyone is all excited and full of good cheer, well they hopefully are. It's a good time of year and such, everyone gets a little more cash spending friendly and businesses make more cash, the muggers in the park get a better turn over and our stomachs get nice and fat, people throw presents around and such but the truth about this time of year is that it actually is a time to see who made it through the year.

So many people think about making plans for this time of year, months in advance but how many people really make it? Lot's of people die each day and some of them may have had many plans, looking forward to seeing family they've missed and looking forward to all the festivities but now they're a lot number in a cemetery. Death isn't the only thing that goes wrong though. Some may have planned to spend their holidays with their lovers but all of a sudden things changed and now they're the only ones pulling the crackers. I see this time of year as a countdown. It's like playing a game of survivor. You're trying to be the last man standing and once you've gone and done that, you make a point of notching it down by filling your gullet with all those tasties. New Years is no different. You get to Christmas and you think you've made it and then all of a sudden you get run over by a bus on your way home on boxing day. It sucks.