"So you’ve been together for a while now which you thought was a great achievement but then she
goes and drops a bomb on you – she’s moving in.
No need to panic right? What could possibly go wrong? Well it’s not like your life will change
drastically, I mean really it’s not like you valued your own space. So what if your friends can’t come
over whenever they like now and what will it hurt if you can’t watch football all the time. You’ve been
together for a bit of time and seeing her in the morning surely cannot be as scary as they say it is.
You’re a man, you’ve fought off many a scary zombie on your Xbox and that hobo that lives down on
Third Street has to be the most vile thing in the world, waking up to the face of your sweet petunia
will be like heaven right?
Ok so there will be a few changes. You will have to do something women
like to call, “buying groceries”. No right thinking man knows just what this all means. Apparently it
involves buying food which is very easy – as men we love food so obviously this can’t be hard at all –
but there is a twist. You can say goodbye to those lovely Woolworths TV dinners, you know what I’m
talking about, that Mac and Cheese with bacon one. No more stocking the fridge full of beers because
as they say, “Eating Is Cheating”. No more Space Crunchers, no more Saturn juice made from the
many rings of Saturn. No. From now on you will have to buy weird things like uncooked pasta, those
things they call vegetables, milk that comes in more than a liter, that voodoo witchcraft wizardry of
Cherimoya. How can a fruit have the combined taste of apples and custard? This blows even my own
mind! She will walk into your kitchen and ask about cutlery and crockery. What does that even
mean!? Paper plates and paper cups seemed to be just fine when you lived alone and all the food
you ate came in packaging that you could eat from and throw away afterwards so it never made any
sense to go out and buy pots and pans and all the other machinery you’ve seen your mother use to
torture food items into edible meals.
I know you’re starting to feel a bit nervous but really the best thing to do right now is to relax. As a
woman, she will probably only stay in the kitchen right? No. She’s a woman so she will poke her nose
into every single corner of your place. Feel a bit nervous. She will go on a mission of discovery. She
will go through everything of yours with a fine toothcomb. There will be no mystery left to you. After
she sinks her claws into your place, you will become as normal as an orange. That Xbox you used to
beat your friends into submission and showcase your mastery, well that’s gonna go. You can forget
about having everything in one manly grey and chrome colour scheme. There will be mauve throw
cushions which will definitely make you the butt of all the gay jokes down at the pub. There is
nothing more frightening than walking into the bathroom and finding the sink looking like the display
stand of a cosmetic store. These are things no man should ever be forced to deal with. The sheer
volume of these things will shock and astound you. Having a heart attack is completely normal.
Another annoying thing about having your girlfriend move in is just how much stuff she’ll be
bringing. Her handbag alone contains more things than you have ever accumulated in your whole
entire life! She will be moving in with everything, including the proverbial kitchen sink. She will bring
things that are weird, things that will attach to things that attach to other things. Some will be
slippery, some will be bone dry, some may even change form mid sentence to turn into a crazy
Japanese folding flower garden. Women love having a nursery. They all assume that they have that
maternal instinct and they use plants to practice. This makes no sense. How can having a plant be
anything like having a baby? Plants are awesome! They don’t cry, you’ve never had to wake up in the
middle of the night to water it. Children are like a lung with a mouth, all they do is scream.
After a few days of living with you, your beloved will want you to prove your manliness by giving you
a few DIY tasks. That cupboard above your sink, the one that you’ve stopped using because the door
keeps falling off and hitting you on the head which sucks, she’ll want you to fix it. Obviously as a man
you could fix it in a hot minute. You could do a job better than anyone else because you know this
door, you know what it needs, you know what it takes and how long it will be which is why you’re too
lazy to do it. She won’t understand that. She will do everything to get you to fix it. She will use
flattery, girl’s think we’re so shallow. When that fails she will try her hand at bribery. Women are so
good at that. No man can say no to a bit of bribery. Think of your favourite thing in the world, that
lovely juicy steak fillet that you’re too lazy to make, she’ll use that against you. After you’ve gone
and fallen for her tricks and fixed the door, don’t feel bad that you’re weak willed and are a shame to
mankind because there is a way to get back at her. If I know women, which I do as an expert on all
things on this planet, she will love jewellery. We all know the saying, “Diamonds are a girl’s best
friend because they can’t be friends with real people”. This is true. Women love them jewels. They
love them more than anything else, including you at the best of times.
These are only a few changes that you will go through. Do not for a second think that these are the
only ones. I’ve gone and highlighted a few non serious ones that hopefully won’t leave you heading
down to the cemetery to buy a plot for your old life. If all this frightens you then I have one simple
solution. Surgery. Getting plastic surgery will be completely worth it and it has many positives,
mainly being able to live the life you have so comfortably lead for so long. No guy wants to go
through these changes because they are scarier than facing Satan himself. So what if you have to
cough up a lot of money to change your looks and while you’re at it, leaving the country? It is all
worth the effort."
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