That Excitement of Carla's

I saw Carla's status about meeting the City Bowls at the airport and it just made my heart leap. She seemed excited about it and I wanted to hug her ever so tight and whisper into her ear, "I know that feel." I was very happy for her because I know how excited I get inside after I have a conversation with someone who does something I think is just amazing. I love that excitement of Carla's. I could just see it in my mind's eye. I've been Carla.

I've met the City Bowls, I've had various conversations with the members in various states of inebriation and every time it's just been fantastic. Over the last year and a half I've met a lot of really great people. I've been lucky to work in a place that has given me maximum exposure to some really awesome and talented musicians, but also some really out of this world people. I once thought that the be all and end all of cool people was the tiny little cluster of people in the upper highway. A very stupid thought now that I think about it but I once thought that I would just kick it, party and fall in love with people up and around there. For a long time that's what it was like, that was life. I remember every weekend being surrounded by the same faces and going to the same places and being content with it but now that I look back, it was pretty jutt. It lost it's appeal after a while and started to feel like scratching on a wound. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not saying I don't appreciate the times and lessons learnt in those circles because I do, they've shaped me up to who I am today. I met my best friends there, I came across my first love there and I still frequent it. I'm just thankful that I partially got out of there when I did.

I've been blessed with the kind of personality that let's people gravitate to me. Sometimes I often feel it to be a curse but it really does have its uses. Looking through my phone now, I have the contact details of so many random people I've met and every time I go through them, my mind always plays back a fuzzy, faded memory of how they got there. I usually don't do much about it the day after but there have been those people that have become a part of my life, some of them a really big one. I love the Durban scene. It's a friendly place and everyone knows everyone. Along the lines you do get a few proper douche bags (like the dick who wanted to fight with me at Z&G just because I was standing next to the most awe-inspiring, bite-the-back-of-your-hand beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on and her and I were sharing a drink) but that really doesn't detract from just how great these people are.

I know there's gonna come a time when I do eventually leave the 031 all together, I can already feel it looming above me and I know I'll have a major gaping hole where home usually is but I do understand that it's something that just has to happen. My wanderlust and ADHD will kick in and I'll have to kick it, just for me. I can't wait for that day to come, but for now, I'm enjoying myself.
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Begone Era.

I kept all those memories in a plastic bag. Thursday is rubbish day, they'll be gone by morning.
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The Bygone Era

I was just going through my old blog posts, I still am as I write this and I must say I've changed so much since I first took keyboard to the internet. When I read these things and laugh, as they often make me do, I can't help but feel a little sad. I've grown to dislike so many things and have come to learn to love so many others.

I used to be so excited by everything back then. It really amazes me how I found half of those things to be so "kiff" and "awesome" and ''epic''. I don't even see the faces of half the people I wrote about. I don't know where they are and what they're doing and with who, because I just plainly don't care. I'm very different to how I once was. I've actually had a girl dump me for the first time like I always wanted and thinking back on it, I realise that was something stupid to want. I longer fight for lasting love and the allegiance to relationships like I used to. If anything I find them sanctimonious these days. I had three people come to me just this week with relationship issues and every single time I think I just called for the clean break. I don't take what people say to heart as often as I did before, hence the lack of scathing posts about silly little girl's and greased up steroid junkies. The amusing anecdotes I used to write about have all but diminished. The type of thing I do and the amount of it that I can actually post about has changed drastically. I don't feel safe telling my little corner of the internet what I did the night before because you never know who's reading anymore. The biggest change of all though being that I no longer rattle on in broken sentences about nothing.

I will however say that I've grown up so much. I know I've been going on about the most dreary kak imaginable these days. I hate the word's that seem to find their way onto my screen like little black letter-locusts but all of that comes with age. My cynicism is not without it's merits. I think some of my best understanding has come from it. I've become one to sit back and watch. I've learnt to enjoy both misery and happiness, all on the same spoon. Basically what the last few months of posts have been, are the musings of a broken heart. There wont be that many light hearted cherub noise and the sickeningly glossy words of someone floating on a cloud of euphoria because I'm just barely hovering off the ground. Luckily it isn't as bad as the last few sentences may make it sound. The puzzle pieces are coming together. I'm working with the strings that make this puppet work and those silly little ''What ups" I used to write are busy formulating in my head...
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Awkward - Tyler, The Creator

I was 16 when we first laid eyes
Scrawny little fucker yeah I was that guy
And you was down for the weekend
I was down for the greeting
And your eyes the same color shit that jasper be chiefing
Couple freckles on ya noses, roses made you blush
Gentleman I was like I wasn't tryna fuck
But it was my first offical date so I was stuck like
It was past curfew, and we was at the grove
And it was raining, and I had to be home
And then you grabbed my hand, talking about trying to get home safe
All I remember, was your motherfucking face, your face

[Hook]
I play in your hair
As you rub on my ears
Then we awkwardly stare until our lips locked
Then we awkwardly stared because our lips locked
Now it's awkward in here because our lips locked
Feels like I'm floating in air
Can't you believe that this dare turned into a reality when our lips locked
Man this feels like a dream because our lips locked
You officially put my feelings inside a ziplock bag

[Verse 2]
You gotta a nigga sprung, whenever I'm holding your hand
And making eye can-tact I feel like the damn man
Cause even though I am and get round of applauses
I'm insecure then I start to think that I do not stand chance
But, moments, wish that I could own em or lease it or clone it
Because holding your fingertips is golden.
I fucking love you, I treat my problems like a bowling ball &
I grip and keep holding on
Girl?

[Hook]

[Verse 3]
You got a nigga sprung
Wait, don't think this is going to work
Things got complicated and a couple feelings got hurt
I haven't talked to you in a couple of days,
I got too comfortable and started to think we were really a couple
But hey at least it was time spent.
But by the time you will hear this you will know what these rhymes meant
But when you realize its awkward your names still my password
So I'm always fuckin' reminded

[Outro: Tyler & Frank Ocean]
You're my Girlfriend.. you're my Girl (Whether you like it or not!)
You're my girl.. you're my girlfriend, you're my Girl Girlfriend
You're my girl, you're my girlfriend, you're my Girl (Shit I know that you're my)
You're my girl, you're my girlfriend, you're my girlfriend
You're my girl.. oooo
You're my, you're my Girl
Ooooo girlfriend... girlfriend..
You're my girlfriend you're my girl girlfriend you're my Girl
You're my girlfriend
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Let's be moved.

It's a very cold night tonight. I'm wrapped up warm in my duvet fortress, speaking of marriage with Kelly and listening to a host of songs that get me right in the blood pumping organ.

What The Water Gave Me by Florence and The Machine still moves me in ways I can't describe. I got chills the first time I heard it and they're even more pronounced now. I love how she sings of drowning, being weighed down but pocket fulls of stones and being overcome by the water. It is the most perfect metaphor of love I have ever come across.

Kreuzberg by Bloc Party. A song that always makes me think of the pursuit of "The One". It's about the journey between two people, as they go through a little adventure through a beautiful city, seeing the sights, being surrounded by splendour and then coming to sad realisation that they're just incompatible. "After sex the bitter taste, been fooled again, the search continues." I love the way Kele sings those words, like it's another disappointment that he's just so tired of having to go through. The line that always gets me though is "Concerned mothers of the West, teach your sons how to truly love." I think that says it all in this day and age.

Intro by Alt-J. My new favourite Intro song which was hard to do seeing as the XX exist with that moving piece of perfection they created. I'm taken on a journey every time I hear this song. It's every great bit of their sound just mashed into one. I can't wait to see this done live, I'll be forever moved. "One, two, three... Yeeeeaaah"

R U Mine - Arctic Monkeys
"I'm a puppet on a string
Tracy Island, time-traveling diamond
Coulda shaped heartaches
Come to find ya fall in some velvet morning
Years too late
She's a silver lining lone ranger riding
Through an open space
In my mind when she's not right there beside me

I go crazy 'cause here isn't where I wanna be
And satisfaction feels like a distant memory
And I can't help myself,
All I wanna hear her say is "Are you mine? " - nuff said.

I don't think it's possible to not be moved by good music. I have about a million songs that go through my being like liquid wax, far too many for my fingers to keep up with.
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Death.

Last night my neighbours had an all night vigil. I was up reading The Outsiders and having a bit of a meltdown when I realised that it was about 3 a.m and they were still going.

I've only ever been to about two or three funerals in my life and even less weddings. I'm not very into both of those things. Both are a celebration of life or they both can be a mourning. My neighbours decided to have their little service thingy in their garden. My bedroom window is very close to where they were having it and so I could hear what was going on. They asked my mom to bake them a few scones and stuff, she was still up at about 4 this morning, going on with the baking. I never got any of those baked goods. Anyway, as I was sitting around in my room, completely minding my own business, my shred of silence was torn apart by loud screams. It seems that one of the Granddaughters was finally stricken by grief and the finality of it all.
I hated it. I hated every single minute of it. It pierced deep into my head and just kept ringing and ringing and ringing. This poor girl shrieking about her Grandmother that was now gone, her light snuffed out like a candle in the wind. People tried to console her but it really was doing no good. Eventually I thought to myself that they should just let her be. Let the poor child get it all out of her system, let her come to terms with it in the best way she knew how. I remember going to my uncle's funeral a few years back. It was an open casket affair. I wasn't the most tight with that uncle. We spoke, he did his uncle duties and that was that, he was still quite young. I remember when it was time to pay the last respects, everyone walked past the casket and did their thing but I just hung back. I just didn't feel up to it. My throat was laden down with a lump larger than the sun and I knew that if I went past for one final time, I'd turn into a dam and that puzzled me. We weren't best buddies but now here I was feeling sad, not because I knew him so well but because he was piece of my family gone. Today when I heard that girl crying, I wasn't upset by the fact that her gran was dead, it didn't move me at all. What upset me was the memory of how I felt when I was in a similar situation.

Death comes for all of us, that is guaranteed. We all deal with it in different ways.
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Mistress.

Every night this week, when I get into be, snuggle in tight, turn my music and relax, my emotions go haywire.

I have this tank of useless affection that gets sparked by littlest thing, it makes my mind swim. Be it a great riff, a lovely melody, a line sung sweeter than heaven, anything and I'm just thrown in the ring battling my need to excrete affection on anything that moves. I don't know what's wrong with me. I nearly died at Splashy. I was stuck looking at a possible route of escape. I told myself that if I just found a nice girl to shack up with then I'd get it all out of my system. I went forward, set the plan into motion, was right at her door, all I had to do was step over but then it clicked in my head that I was only doing this because I'm weak and it would just add too many complications to an already complicated situation.

It's really lame I must say. If I had a reason behind all of this then I'd be okay. If I knew who/what it was I feeling for then I'd have something to attack. It's hard for me to believe that I'm going through these motions because I'm genuinely happy with my music. It's been a few weeks going this way but it's only been recently that I've actually paid attention to it. I think I need a distraction, a nice little thing to take my mind off of all this goofiness. I need crappy earphones and some lips to snog.
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Gone.

I came back from Splashy to find out that the old lady next door died. The funeral is tomorrow and I have a sneaking suspicion she'll be buried in the back garden. They're having an all night vigil right now and I can hear their singing loud and clear, as if they were sitting right in my room with me.

Now I've never been a huge fan of hers. She was the kind of old person who used her old personness to get her way. Was loud, obnoxious, quite demanding and very weird. I think she only really ever liked my dad. She kept chickens and gave him one every christmas, which we then gave to my gran because let's be honest, none of us were gonna go through the effort of peeling a chicken. I don't even eat meat that I've seen living before dinner time. But looking over the fence earlier today, it was a bit of a sad sight. There weren't many people coming in to pay their respects from what I've seen. I may be wrong, they could be drowning in condolences and the customary tupperwares of food that seem to crop up from faceless beneficiaries and I'd never know.

It just goes to show how little I knew of her. For all I know, she could've been the Mother Theresa of my small part of town. She could be the mother of the pope and the best thing to ever happen to the improvished and now she's gone. I'll never know if it's true or not. Her passing doesn't affect me personally. I don't feel anything if I'm honest but it does get me thinking about what kind of legacy I'll leave behind. That scares me.

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