Leave The Coffee In The Cupboard.

This year I've decided to release a mini-series of relationship advice. I think it's a long time coming. I've got years of experience of never actually being in a proper relationship so I know what I'm talking about. This will be a series of do as I say, not as I do.

You know when you're at your girl's house and you're all chilling watching tv with her ballies. It's within the first 50 times you've been to hers so everything is still a bit awkward. You don't know where everything is but you're trying your best to get into the fold and you offer to make everyone tea and coffee? Bad move. Everyone takes their warm beverages seriously. I don't care if you're hotter than Megan Fox with Amber Rose's booty, if you can't make good coffee then you'll be relegated to the ex girlfriend pile soon enough. I've seen the strongest couples come undone because someone couldn't make a good cup of java.

Firstly her dad only drinks French pressed coffee from the highest mountains in Guam and each teaspoon is worth a small Estonian village. Her mom likes her tea milky but is lactose intollerant unless the milk is heated up to a certain degree and if it isn't perfect then she's gonna be incontinent for the next hour. Her brother who secretly is a chill nigga is gonna give you a hard time because he's just a dick and that's what makes you guys the most likeliest to be mates and her sister will hate you forever so whatever you do will be trash anyway. You get in the kitchen and you're like, ''Shiiieeeet. Uhm, babe, can you help me out here please?''

That's your first flop. Never call your girl by pet names within the first 50 visits. Her family will crucify you. Also, never offer to do anything unless you know you can do it without having to be helped. Getting help will make you look weak and her dad will never respect you until you fight one another outside the Keg at 2 am in the morning.

There's so much that could go wrong with the hot beverages offer that most inexperienced guys should stay far away. Until you have your story straight and can do all is needed of you without flopping, don't try. Nothing worse than sipping your coffee contently whilst her mom is on the bog, her dad is bemoaning his ruined cuppa and her sister is giving you the danger eyes and her brother is fixing to poes you because you called his little sister what he calls his latest conquest.