Gone.

I came back from Splashy to find out that the old lady next door died. The funeral is tomorrow and I have a sneaking suspicion she'll be buried in the back garden. They're having an all night vigil right now and I can hear their singing loud and clear, as if they were sitting right in my room with me.

Now I've never been a huge fan of hers. She was the kind of old person who used her old personness to get her way. Was loud, obnoxious, quite demanding and very weird. I think she only really ever liked my dad. She kept chickens and gave him one every christmas, which we then gave to my gran because let's be honest, none of us were gonna go through the effort of peeling a chicken. I don't even eat meat that I've seen living before dinner time. But looking over the fence earlier today, it was a bit of a sad sight. There weren't many people coming in to pay their respects from what I've seen. I may be wrong, they could be drowning in condolences and the customary tupperwares of food that seem to crop up from faceless beneficiaries and I'd never know.

It just goes to show how little I knew of her. For all I know, she could've been the Mother Theresa of my small part of town. She could be the mother of the pope and the best thing to ever happen to the improvished and now she's gone. I'll never know if it's true or not. Her passing doesn't affect me personally. I don't feel anything if I'm honest but it does get me thinking about what kind of legacy I'll leave behind. That scares me.

Sent from my BlackBerry®

Pull Me Down - Mikky Ekko

Oh I heard you were trouble
And you heard I was trouble
But your name is a wave washing over me
No games just a slave to you totally
Cause I don't care about what they say about you virgo
And you don't care about what they say about me virgo
But you know what they say about trouble

Pull me down if you want to
and I hope that you want to
Cause I want to be your man
And I wanna say it loud
You can show me where trouble goes
Tell me secrets only trouble knows
Cause you wanna be my girl
And you wanna say it loud

I want you to know that I've got your back
Even when the whole foundation seems cracked
Two punk kids up against the world
Ya trouble, there goes trouble
We could be king and queen of the moonlight
Two young lovers
and when the moods right
you hear me say 'I want you'

Pull me down if you want to
and I hope that you want to
Cause I want to be your man
And I wanna say it loud
You can show me where trouble goes
Tell me secrets only trouble knows
Cause you wanna be my girl
And you wanna say it loud
And you wanna say it loud

So pull me down if you want to
and I hope that you want to
Cause I want to be your man
And I wanna say it loud
You can show me where trouble goes
Tell me secrets only trouble knows
Cause you wanna be my girl
And you wanna say it loud
Ohhh and you want to say it loud
Sent from my BlackBerry®

Birthday.

Today is my birthday. What does that really mean to me?

On your birthday you're the most important person for a full 24 hours. Back when we were young you could basically get away with anything by just shrugging, smiling and saying, "It's my birthday." I've never really seen the appeal in all of that. I've never seen the fuss of it all. I've only ever had one birthday party and that was when I was 4. I remember waking up early on the day of my party. My mom had organised it all and my dad was in Jo'burg at the time. We'd sent invitations out weeks in advance and I liked everyone invited except for this one random guy but my mom insisted he come. I remember waiting for my mom to come home with my cake and to this day it was the best cake I've ever had. It had an F1 track on it with three cars, this was before I even knew the sport existed but I completely loved it. I was king of the castle and every person there was my minion just for the day. It felt cool. They sang to me, we took pictures, I smiled, it was good. I still have some of the pictures from that day but as the years went by, birthdays started to lose their shine. I realised it was cool and everything but I really didn't want to play host to a whole bunch of people and smile for cameras and all those things. I was cynic from an early age.

Now that I'm a double decade, what does my birthday mean to me? Well firstly I'm leaving behind my teens. I am no longer at the prime age for a boy which is 19. I can argue that I'm not 20 yet because in the writing of this, it hasn't hit 4pm and that's when I came to be. I like that as you get older, birthdays become less and less of a big deal. There are less people commenting on how old you're getting and there are less people coming up and making a spectacle of you.

My family know just how to handle it. My dad sent me an sms this morning and that was the last of it. He's getting me cake, which is my weakness, but I wont even be home to have any which is fine by me. My mom sang me a little song and that's where it ended. The rest of the family have said zilch and that's all good and proper with me. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not saying I hate people wishing me a happy birthday and stuff. I really do appreciate every single call and message I've received, many of which are still coming in, my phone's red light has been blinking all day. What I'm saying is that I don't see why we still make a big thing of an annual event that most of us will come to dread with each passing year. Many of us can truly say that we're no longer those 4 year old kids that woke up early to beat the sun before it woke just so we could take advantage of being the most special person for a day.
Sent from my BlackBerry®

Wonder Women.

Women are as close to superheroes as we'll ever get to as humans. They say this is a man's world. Men control the money, the market and the muck. It's all good to say that we, as men, are the big dogs. We are the Alpha Males, the big cheeses and the bees kneeses, but let's be honest, behind every man is a strong woman.

Women have this strange ability to pull out the biggest load of heroics out their asses at a moments notice. There are cases of women lifting up cars to save their children. There are women who have been the reason and also, the end of wars. They go through the whole act of childbirth and then continue on, following it up with childrearing. They also have to live with inconvenience that is menstruation but their biggest testament to their strength is that they put up with us.

We as men are a twisted bunch. Women are the driving force behind nearly everything that we do in this world. Whether we've done things to be better for them, impress them or just to piss them off. Men are probably the most simplest creatures on this planet. Even amoeba have more complexity than we do. We have two switches; amused and unamused. Give us food, sports and sex and we're sorted, take those away from us and we're defeated. We all live on the same wavelength. If I hang out with my friends, I know that we're gonna talk about food, tits and football. Women on the other hand have to be very careful with what they say around each other. A girl cant start talking about her weight if she looks like she is what God uses to floss in the morning if she's in the company of the lumpy turds God got rid of after that. They have to know how to compliment each other in a way that is genuine but also borders on disinterest. I once said a girl was "Bite-the-back-of-your-hand beautiful" and I was roasted alive by the most judgemental glares this world has ever bared witness to. You can't just come out and say what you think, there are certain rules and etiquette you must adhere to when speaking to a woman.

Being a woman in today's day and age means being able to adapt to every single situation. You've got to be able to understand the difference between the way your boyfriend speaks and how your friends do. You have to learn how to get ahead in life before you even get your first training bra. It's a harsh world out there as a woman and men, in all their simplicity, don't make it any easier. I'm glad that I'm not a woman. They must have some kind of super power to deal with these things, and a whole lot more that goes under the rug. I don't think I could handle just how frustrating the world must be in their eyes when they're already the most frustrating thing in mine.
Sent from my BlackBerry®

A Thunderstorm In Town - Thomas Hardy.

She wore a 'terra-cotta' dress
And we stayed, because of the pelting storm,
Within the hansom's dry recess,
Though the horse had stopped; yea, motionless
We sat on, snug and warm.

Then the downpour ceased, to my sharp sad pain,
And the glass that had screened our forms before
Flew up, and out she sprang to her door:
I should have kissed her if the rain
Had lasted a minute more.
Sent from my BlackBerry®

Like the rest of us.

These days, I find that we are so quick to judge without actually knowing the full story behind anything anymore. We tend to put things down or bring them up as if we are the ones that were chosen to say what goes and what stays, as if we have some kind of social responsibility. The truth is though, we don't. None of us actually have any kind of say in the day to day running of anyone's life except our own. I was thinking about this and I've said it before on here that our 'truths' are the only ones that matter to us. What I see and face before me is the most important thing to me at that given moment. Someone else would disagree and say Im wrong but for me, in my own eyes, that thing Im facing is the Be-all and end-all of my existence. For instance, I could be worrying about what next to do with myself over the next 6 months. What new challenges will I face, what can I do to keep from not failing at them and where will they lead me. The person next to me could be worried about where they're gonna get obey to pay their rent, what they last said in a moment of anger to their loved one and whether they left the bath still running when they left this morning. We have different lives and those come with completely different outlooks. These days I've been having a bit of an issue with someone I know. They're the kind of character that you can get along with just fine for about a day or so and then they start to turn into an impish little figure of bile. I don't know what it is that has brought on this turn in them but lately it's been getting a bit too much. I dig this character to bits and pieces but they drive me insane with how they insist that it is their solemn duty to disagree with anything anyone says. Now I don't mind a bit of disagreement. I feel we need a bit of a to and fro if we're interacting with people. I don't mind if we argue over something because that's how we learn, but I have a problem when someone insists on arguing over something that you just possibly can't argue over. If you're gonna argue with me about something I am 100% certain of, like what I had for breakfast, we're gonna have a bit of an issue. To think that you are the voice of a whole gene ratio is such a jaded outlook, such a silly thing to think and it only makes you look like an even bigger prawn than the one you're trying to expose. Coming in hot like a burning gas tank and chopping down anything you hear someone say which is in any way different to what you think goes to show just how ignorant you are. You aren't as hard as you think you are. You don't have the world standing at your bathroom door waiting to wipe your arse with their tongues. You're just as ugly as the rest of them when you cry, so why not just calm it all down? There is so much I can listen to before I start blocking you out completely as your stock in my eyes plummets even further. So far it hasn't gotten to the point where I want to stab them in the eyes which is why I haven't really fleshed out on this but I am getting close to the end of my rope. I just think that if we all were a little bit more understanding of how we all see things differently and realized that we aren't the voice of the people, we'd get on a lot better.

Are You Afraid?

Are you afraid you little junkie? To you love is like heroin. It courses through your veins when you take the hit. It melts your senses and numbs the harsh realities you're so frightened of. You can't seem to get enough of it and even if you'll never experience that first high ever again, you've forever cursed yourself to a life of chasing.

Are you afraid? You know the deals are off the table and are left the vacant space vacated which you try to fill with any common vagrant. Filling up this void is not easy and it is the only reason you're so easily misleaded. You walk around grabbing at those that could stifle all longing but is it enough? When the heart you once had has turned so cold, are you proud of yourself?

Are you afraid? You've unleashed a terror that has no fears. You clipped the wings of a lover, sucked all the warm marrow from the bones. The result of your dirty work is the spoken heartbreak on the lips of another. You tore from this earth a love so pure and now all there is left, is the remnants in the hollow.
Sent from my BlackBerry®

Jackety.

The other day I'm lying in bed. I was feeling run down, I had a bit of food poisoning from the night before - thanks Mc Donald's - and I just wanted a night in. I was meant to go out with my mate Tyler and his girlfriend Caro 'cause we weren't working that night and at about half 9 or 10ish, he calls me and says, "Caro and I have been playing pool with Stacey and her boyfriend, she's pretty cool." We spoke on about their night and he told me how cut he was, it was one of those amusing drunken calls. Later on I get a message from Caro that said, "Ayanda just kissed me on the cheek." I didn't think much of it because I didn't see how or why Ayanda would be all the way up in Hillcrest, I just thought she meant Stacey and said the wrong name cause we'd recently seen Ayanda.

The next week I go to Tyler's with Caro and she tells me Ayanda and Stacey know each other. That comes as a shock to me because these people live years from each other and I didn't think they were even in the same social circles. She then goes on to tell me that Ayanda was in fact with them and she was with some other guy who is supposedly her boyfriend. Now I don't mind that. I don't mind that she apparently has a boyfriend because I sure as hell wasn't about to be. I like everything we've been doing but I wasn't about to commit, I just came from all of that crap. I stumble upon a post on Facebook that she wrote about some boyfriend and I was at ease cause now I was in the clear. I assume I was there first which would make him the other guy and if not, I know I'm the guy you fool around with before you meet your actual boyfriend so for me it's all a win win.

Come the next friday, I get a message from her saying she's going to be at Origin. I was very cut at that time and I'm not sure if she'd called me first to ask what I was doing or what but next thing I know she's there and we've fallen into the swing of things. At some point in the night, Caro asked her what was up with this whole situation and she said she doesn't have a boyfriend, doesn't like anyone except for me and was afraid I didn't feel the same for her. She came to me later on in the night and raised these concerns with me and I had one of those moments where my sober mind and drunk mind had a fight. My drunk mind was telling me to just go with it, how hard could having another girlfriend really be? It's not like I didn't like her or anything so why not. My sober mind on the other hand didn't quite know what to do so he did the best thing he possibly could, he set every alarm bell going in my mind and I just walked away. I don't remember how it all went down but I'm still single and that's what counts. I could date her, I really could and it would be great, except for the little fact that I'm just not yet ready to be anything to anyone. i still have to mean something to me and until that happens, I'm not going to be tied down with anyone.
Sent from my BlackBerry®

Lucille.

So, anyway, I was just minding my own sardines the other day. I was just going through the motions of the day when I suddenly came across this girl. I see a lot of girls every day and usually I don't really take much notice but this one was a little different. She was kind to my eye, stood in a group of mutual friends and completely unaware that I was there. I didn't really care for that, I didn't know who she was and I wasn't about to really try find out, even if I felt a little moved. Sitting with an old friend and discussing our weekend, this girl comes over and joins our conversation. I grab her name somewhere along the line and stare her down. I do this thing sometimes where I feel like I'm the shit, the Bruce Wayne of the world and stare into a girl, really sussing her out. After a while I remember that I'm all not that great and then bow out quite embarrassed and never make eye contact with that girl ever again, opting to move to another country just to be safe. Anyway, we lock eyes and kind of stare at each other whilst more people gather and join into the conversation. I haven't said a word, I'm still stuck in my moment of self importance and I think she's looking at me wondering who this creepo is. Eventually I break the eye locks, get up and move on to another group of friends.

I forget about her. The next day I say a few words to her, a little here and there and then that's it for our interaction. It carries on the same for two more days but then they turn the next day. Now I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind a girl sitting on my lap, I'd rather she do that than I sit on hers, but I do mind if it's someone I'm not so friendly with. If a random wants to sit on my lap, they have to ask and not take liberty with my lap, it's not a free for all. I'm sitting with a few friends on a bench and this little lady climbs atop my seated throne without even asking me and I'm like 'WTFudge?'. I keep quiet. Later on, we speak about something a little dodgy and in doing so, she endears herself to me. In the following weeks we do a little talking, all is going well, I'm pulling shapes and my planets are aligning and then I find out she has a boyf.

Now for me, girl's with boyfs are a no go. I refuse to get involved in the middle someone's relationship because I'd hate for someone to get in the middle of mine. As someone who has had it happen surprisingly a lot, it's no surprise that it just isn't my scene. But that's what I tell myself. I pull some back tracking manoeuvres and start to beat a bit of a hasty retreat but then the sly vixen kind of ropes me in. I'm not saying I feel the need to make this one an exception and meddle in her business but I'm sitting thinking about how bad it could possibly be, I mean what's the worst that could happen? So a few days pass of me being on the fence, I keep it in mind but I still carry on with my normal life on the side and then I get to this day. Today I am pretty sure I'm not about to meddle. The ex ended up having a thing with two guys that saw fight to stick their noses where they didn't belong and that has always grinded my gears. I don't want to be that kind of guy. I know I could handle it and I know it would all mean nothing to me in the long run if I just had a small fling but I refuse to be caught up in something that involves another person. I'd rather the third person be a speculation than a certainty, which is something else I'm dealing with at the moment, but until she calls quits on this guy, which I know is coming soon, I have my foot jammed hard on the brake.
Sent from my BlackBerry®

Bloc Party Live.

Bloc Party setlist from when they played the Mary Fitzgerald Square in Johannesburg.

That was the night I felt utterly happy and content. I still think about just how epic every single second of that night was and also having Corinne there, possibly one of my all time favourite people, there really made it a night to remember.

Picture courtesy of the magicians at Whizz Kids Radio Beta.
Sent from my BlackBerry®