Lost

I'm in bed right now, with no sleep coming my way and a head full of thoughts.

It's my cousin's funeral in a few hours. I had and still have every intention of being there. I would very much love to be there, it's a big deal in the family and a big deal to me. I told my mom I'd go last week. She said to me that I didn't have to, that it was something she really didn't expect me to do especially considering the fact that I don't often go to such things but I really want to. My biggest concern right now is that for me, I'm basically stuck in the middle of nowhere. I can't sleep and that's made me think about my plan of action and the truth of the matter is that I don't have one. I know that if I try leave here, there's every chance of me not finding a way out and homewards and that's no good on my tight schedule. I have to be home before 8. I told my parents I would sleep at home on friday night but it was better for me to be out considering the fact that the house would be filled to over flowing. I'm at a loss as to whether to try conduct heroics and mission to be home before everyone leaves or to sit this one out, knowing that I wouldn't really be of much use anyway. I'm not the most integral cog in the whole extended family structure. I'm the strange cousin who seems to always be on his own mission, the intimidating character that is hard to get cosy with. I do try, I really do try to be accommodating but it can be hard, it's just how I am sometimes.

I'm going to phone my mom when I wake up, see what she has to say about this and then decide from there. I want to be there but I also don't want to try go if it will be all in vain.
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