Tuxedos - CWK

I got the new Cold War Kids album today. I've been having a CWK binge these past few days and this came at just the right time.

I haven't listened to it properly yet. I've heard it once over just to get it out there but I'm finally actually listening to it. I've been stuck on Tuxedos for the past hour or so. Flip, I can't do this song any justice. It paints such a vivid image in my head. It literally sits heavy in my soul and just speaks with loud words, words that carry immense gravity. From my interpretation of it, it sounds like a man that has come to realise that he was the reason of his own demise. The failure of his ventures is put down to his actions. When I listen to it, I think of a man sitting at a table, probably at a wedding, after everyone has left and only the signs of a party that has ended are all that's left. Bottle of whiskey in tow, he sits and reflects on what he's lost. The last verse sounds as if he's finally reached his breaking point. He's just like, "This is it, I've got to let it all out."

This is the first song that has captivated me completely in ages. It's brilliant...

I think about eyes that watch you.
I think about changes I've made.
I think about all this fancy food going down the drain.
I spend a lot of time by myself,
Imagining great speeches I'd make
To crowds of people; how can I help?
But what would I say?

When will I find, when will I find someone to take?
Or did I find and not realize, I was the fake.

I love to be a stranger at a wedding.
Cause tuxedos don't discriminate
A perfect disguise, so be cool and fill up your plate.

When will I find, when will I find someone to take?
Or did I find and not realize, I was the fake.
When will I find, when will I find someone to take?
For the millionth time, for the millionth time I was the fake.
I was the fake, I was to blame.

I think about eyes that watch you.
I think about changes I've made.
I think about all this fancy food
Going down the drain, down the drain, down the drain
Going down the drain, down the drain, down the drain
Going down the drain, the drain, the drain, the drain, the drain
Going down the drain
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Qwertyuiop

I've found myself listening to a lot of Ben Howard today. It's making me feel like wearing a flannel shirt and cardigan whilst sitting by the fire with my Vanilla Latte With Espresso On The Side drinking wife, me reading my tweets with our dog at my feet and she, staring out the window. Both of us sitting in comfortable silence. God is in his heaven.

My day has been a bit topsy turvey. The power was out last night in Hillcrest so I was in bed earlier than usual but with candle and book in tow. I stumbled across Anthony Kiedies' Scar Tissue in the bathroom cabinet as I was taking a dump. I started reading the book a few months ago and was in deep, up to my elbows. I started up from where I was and I just couldn't stop reading. I lay in bed reading from about half 9 till after the power came back at about 2am. I figured I should try get some sleep, seeing as I had to be up at about 7. I woke up as normal, got shower fresh and ready and that's when I realised that I had the day off. The joys about my little institution is that we follow a strange term plan and we had our mid term. So anyway, I was speaking to the Face and we'd decided to meet up after her exam.

When the time came, I was a little preoccupied. I decided to go looking for some books to read. I haven't been reading half as much as I should be. I think I've read like 2 and a half books so far this year which is just disgusting. With the new sort of, "stock" of intellectuals I'm often cavorting with, I need to keep my game sharp and I feel like I'm slacking badly in the literature department. So anyway, I got caught up in the Biographies section as is always the case and I was faced with some new Clarkson I haven't read. Long story short, I haven't stopped laughing from about the first paragraph. I love the way Jeremy Clarkson sees things. He says things in a roundabout way. He'll start off with a story that is more of a personal account or retelling and then somehow along the line, it links up with the thing he's writing about. I love that. I love the way he writes and the liberties he takes in his writing. I've always said that if I could even put down a thought half as well as he could, I'd be set for life.

I've got an early morning to get ready for. A long day with lots of blood, sweat and tears. Throw in a coffee I need to catch up on and some more reading and I'll be set, right?
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Tin (The Manhole) - Everything Everything.

I'll be the fox by the road I am, enormous and evolved. A predatory mass, in the dark I am unseen
Me dripping oil from my tail and me, eyes are through the fumes; yellow as the arc of imagined LEDs

I leave a path in the snow little, rainbow diesel paws, I devour the smoke that erupts from all exhaust
I make a dash for the median, there's a banshee searing past, everything is light and it's noise and I reach the grass

My eyes are wide and my teeth dropping, straight out of my skull, they clatter on the road anatomically displayed
I am as lithe as a vine as I, whisper up the verge, I am almost up to the shoulders of a horse

Little sea anemone, pool of rocks, why'd you see, an enemy I cannot? Could there be, a more heavenly artifact? As pure as that?

I sleep a while in the dark of a, warehouse by the sea, I am now as giant as the sun I used to love
My limbs are shoots springing forth I am, impossible and black, and I can feel the gravity rushing into me

I feel a pull on my fur and a, hundred tiny hands, I can feel the men and the women clamber on
They will embrace me tonight as a, a father and a son

I will carry homo-sapiens through the night

I can not imagine the things they did to you

I can not imagine the way it feels for you

I can feel the gravity rushing into me

I am but a hole in the fabric of the scene

I was but a drop in the ocean all along
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Relationships aren't thaaaat bad.

Relationships aren't thaaaat bad. I know this is a probably a shock to everyone, myself included, but I just realised that they're not as bad as I make them out to be. It's okay though, I've Googled my symptoms and it turns out I have a rare case of cancerous ebola so I can say this and not have to worry about any judgment, the disease makes you say weird things like this.

All it takes is a change in outlook and you're set on your way. Obviously it is a little difficult to try forge something new with someone, especially if they haven't had a similar relationship history to you, which is often the case, but once you get over that, anything could happen. I was just thinking about how people tend to take relationships so flipping seriously. They look at them like they're a promise to marriage. They aren't. Only once a proposal to marriage has been made, does your little liaison become something more than just a promise to not hook up with other people. They think that you've gotta get everyone involved in your little romantic circle. Some think it isn't a proper relationship if your family and friends aren't involved and I personally think that's both true and false. I think that it's not exactly too important to involve everyone in your business, majority of the time your friends and family wont give a crap, especially when you're still young. Obviously if you guys become serious, like 5 years on the same grind, in my eyes, then it makes sense to open the doors to everyone. I have nothing against meeting a girl's parents, I really don't. If they're cool then we'll get along like a house on fire, I'm an old soul and I can usually get on with the ballie crowd but if things seem forced then nein, hasta la bonyana baby.

For me to introduce a fem to my family would take quite a bit. The thing is though my family isn't often in the places I frequent. I'm always more than an hour away from where they are and so making arrangements to meet up is a schlep. Also, I would hate to have to introduce someone new to my family and then have things go south and have them ask me about this person that doesn't exist in my world anymore. I once had a girlfriend I told my parents things about and they still sometimes ask me about her and I just cringe and bear it, it's my own fault. After a while and if things get really serious with someone then I have nothing against bringing them into my two tonne circle of fun.

But what got me thinking this way and writing this post is that I find it so weird how someone can help change the way you view things. Over the last couple of months I've been Anti-Union. I've bashed at the doors and bombed the offices of the match makers. I was a one man grounding crew on everything that is "love". I still find it unbelievably cheesey and sickening when I see a couple post about their lives on social networks and I still do find most things about relationships to be faulty. Like,why must I always dote to your every single need like some kind of flight puppet. Do you know that there are some guys out there who literally get cussed out by their girlfriends for wanting to hang out with their friends for one night of the weekend? THAT AINT RIGHT! If you want to be my girlfriend, you've got to accept that for a couple of months while we still try to figure this thing out, you're gonna come off second best to my friends. I'm not saying I'll neglect you, baby I'll make you the center of my world, but you've got to accept that I have a life outside of you. And that's what people need to understand. Your relationship isn't going to work if there is nothing going on in your lives besides it. Go out with your friends, get a job, have some ambitions in life dammit! There is more to my life than you, and I sure hope to God that there's more in yours than me because if there isn't then I'm only going to hurt you baby and truth be told, I'll be too busy to even notice..
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My Last Note.

I wrote a tweet in reply to something Kelly had said. She tweeted saying, "When was the last time you were on a rollercoaster?". Being the wise cracking kind of arse I am, I said "The last time I was in a relationship." After I wrote that, I kind of saw how that could be taken in various ways, I can that I may have overstepped a line somewhere along the way.

I harbour no hard feelings towards my ex, in fact, I hold her in high regard for all we went through. I wasn't making a dig at her or anything, just at the way relationships go. They are a rollercoaster though and no one can say otherwise. There are extreme highs, insane lows and a whirlwind, toilet bowl flushing effect in the middle. They aren't for the faint hearted or those that have a weak stomach. I actually wish I had an iron stomach so I could ride that rollercoaster again. I look at people who can just jump from one relationship to another without even blinking an eye and I envy them. What happened to the Msizi that would just saunter out of a relationship like it was an after thought. What happened to the Msizi that would break up with you using a set of song lyrics? Where did the Msizi go that would drunkenly call you after hooking up with a girl and then tell you to figure out the status of the relationship from the gist of the conversation? He died somewhere along a year or two ago. At the moment, I'm sitting in the company of those that just came off the ride with wobbly legs, we're getting some smoothies to calm our frayed nerves, it's nice.

Kayleigh told me to seek closure the other day, she actually told me to seek closure many times over. She said it so many times in the space of one week that I swear we only spoke just for her to tell me to do that. She had a point. I saw the need to do what she was saying. I wasn't in the greatest space for a few weeks. I was the ultimate killer of dreams and hopes of anyone who even dared to come near me. All around me people were entering these lovely joyous unions, many of them suddenly stumbling upon these hidden treasures, these gems and here I was, still working with the emptiness of the once off meeting. I was finding it a little difficult to cope with all of this, I did need closure. Kayleigh wanted me to go to Emma and talk to her. She said I needed to get everything out of my system. She said I needed to know why it all went the way it did. She said I needed to be set loose from the past so that I could see a way forward. I never did what Kayleigh said. I did all my talking, the ex is aware of this and I finally reached a point where I looked back and kind of kicked myself in the head for all of it. I finally found my peaceful oasis in the storm that was me, and from there, that's how I finally got to where I am today.

I told myself that after six months, everything would be out my system. I'm never wrong. But the point of this post isn't really about all this. On my way home today, I was sitting, thinking of all the things I missed about my ex. The series of tweets had me thinking and I didn't want it to go down like the many other things I've said that have been left unexplained. I don't miss her in that kind of way anymore. I don't feel a tight knot in my stomach when I think of her, I thought I would but it seems to have been unraveled. I don't think of the days we had as something that I would welcome back at the blink of an eye. I'm not about that life anymore. But I do miss the bint. I miss her in a way that I miss my headphones when I'm away from home for a long time. I miss her like how I miss the feel of my keyboard when I write out notes by hand. I miss her in the way I miss my favourite pair of jeans after they've been in the wash for a week. I miss her in a fond, platonic way. It's like the warm feeling you get after a lovely cup of coffee or playing with puppies at a shelter, it feels good and it promotes healing in the long run. I learnt a lot when I was with the bint. I grew up a lot when I was with the bint. I finally felt when I was with the bint. I miss the way I'd tell her things that I couldn't tell anyone else because her opinion, or lack thereof, was all the prod I needed in decisions. I miss the friend, after all she did start off as my favourite person. I'm sure I had a list longer than this but sometimes less is more.

Anyway, I've lost my train of thought now. I cant multi- task. Replying to messages and trying to keep thoughts in a line is sometimes hard for me when they're not of the same persuasion. It was good while it lasted. In the words of a wise friend, "Twas heaven here with you."
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The Phantom Horse woman - Thomas Hardy

Queer are the ways of a man I know:
He comes and stands
In a careworn craze,
And looks at the sands
In the seaward haze
With moveless hands
And face and gaze,
Then turns to go…
And what does he see when he gazes so?

They say he sees as an instant thing
More clear than today,
A sweet soft scene
That once was in play
By that briny green;
Yes, notes alway
Warm, real, and keen,
What his back years bring-
A phantom of his own figuring.

Of this vision of his they might say more:
Not only there
Does he see this sight,
But everywhere
In his brain-day, night,
As if on the air
It were drawn rose bright-
Yea, far from that shore
Does he carry this vision of heretofore:

A ghost-girl-rider. And though, toil-tried,
He withers daily,
Time touches her not,
But she still rides gaily
In his rapt thought
On that shagged and shaly
Atlantic spot,
And as when first eyed
Draws rein and sings to the swing of the tide.
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I don't do requests.

She told me to write her a post last night and I said no. After a few too many red wines and open conversation, she made the request and my better judgement said to decline. I didn't decline because I didn't know what to say. I know what to say. I have a lot to say. I have so much to say that I could start up a whole new blog that would carry on until after the nuclear apocalypse and thrive, till I became reborn as a mutant King Hawk. Basically, I said no because I just don't want to face up to all that. Once something becomes posted on this blog, it stays there forever. I will always have to read over it every time I come visit. I've posted things on here that make me cringe with what was said and the memories they bring back. It's on the internet so many people can see what I think and feel. I don't regret it, but I wouldn't have written most of them if I was of a sound mind at the time. It would basically give her everything she needs and leave me feeling like I'd just gone and left my wickets wide open. It's funny because once you start dealing with someone who makes the same moves you do, who thinks the way you do, who basically is you without the boyish good looks, you tend to be a lot more weary. I would think that if I found my female counter part, I'd grab her up quick fast and together we'd go about laying waste to all that we found faulted. Right now though, and I know I'm speaking way ahead of myself when I say this, but we're still trying to find a way to stay at arm's length from all of that. Everything I've said is basically just what the 'ideal' situation would be like. I've never been lucky enough to be in anything even considered to be ideal before, with anyone, and I doubt that this is about to be any different. I've taken a few knocks and gotten my stride back and she's still stumbling but on a fast track to recovery. When that time comes and if I'm still there, I'll be ready to take on the inevitabilities, hopefully in my stride.

2011

I'm going through my blog and reading through 2011. I think that was my best year as a blogger. I started off in a relationship, dealt through some really harsh things, broke up with the GF and then became the wise old owl. If I can advise anyone reading this, go read through the year of 2011 again.

I attacked the keyboard like a starved Ethiopian seeing a left over KFC packet. The amount of funny kak I wrote back then is immeasurable. I'm in deep hysterics over what I said. I remember every single moment that I've written of, as if they happened just yesterday. My favourite post right now has to be the one about the elements. I wrote that one about my two current exes, one being Fire and the other being Ice. The way I strung together those comparisons still blows my mind. I love how I got it all spot on and what makes me laugh is that I can still relate to that right now, albeit in a different way. Haha I feel a ripe flapjack when I read some of those things though. Some of them really embarrass me but I'm glad I wrote them. Back then I didn't care about who was reading what, and what was being said. I only cared about not writing something that would come back to bite me in the middle of the face the next time I saw my Governing Officer.

Right now I'm at that point again. I've fallen deeply in love with my blog again. I love writing rubbish that's on my mind. I love the rubbish on my mind again. I came across a tweet by the ex about some boyfriend and you know what, it didn't hurt at all. Admittedly it was a bit of a jolt but let's not kid ourselves here, the ones that live off others will never be without their approval. I was happy for her. I even said, "Good on you, it was about time." and then I went off and danced around to some Ellie in my shorts.

My smiles come from ear to ear. I've found my game and although it's been played before, it's a whole different ball game to what came before. Gone are the cupboards and additional Player 2's. Now I'm the one saying the words and I'll be damned if I'm admitting to things like that again.
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Art Fag.

I need a new Art Fag in my life. I haven't gotten rid of the old one or anything, it's just that he's now Cape side and until I either make strides that side or he comes back to rejoin the Durban world, I'm left with a gap in that position.

I have friends to discuss Football with, boobs, babes, money and politics but I don't have a music one. We do chat about music, as what most people often do but that's all it really is, just chatting. I want to discuss. Brando and I would often discuss the world of the muzisians. I would stumble over to his' and he'd have something new for me to listen to, or I'd come across something and tell him to look up a certain someone. It worked for me. Now that the little skipper has left, I'm kinda floundering.

I spend so many hours listening to music that it's kind of hard not to want to tell the next person I see just how great that one song by Everything Everything is sounding and just how much of a legend the guitarist from Fruit and Veggies is. Like, I know I can still speak to the bloke over the telecoms but it isn't the same as a face to face conversation. The last big chat we had before he left was at one of Tyler's house get togethers. We drank wine and spoke about everything, from music to the end of the sun.

I've tried to delve into musical engagements with people but to no avail. I even let loose on a little munchkin by giving her my iPod just so I could share something with someone and get all of this pent up musical knowledge and exposure out of my system. I've met some people with some startlingly good taste, Kelly standing heads and shoulders above the rest like she were carved from the same grain of Mount Everest. I need to find a temporary companion who knows what the sound of something good is like. Preferably female though, they're generally much better to look at.
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Knobby Knees

I'm in a bit of a bad place. I'm struggling to come to terms with this and I don't know how I'll survive this one. Ask anyone what my favourite body part on me is and they'll tell you, without even the slightest bit of hesitation, that it's my knees.

I stumbled across the allure of my knees a few years ago. You see, I used to be a fat bint in my younger days. I used to basically have meat slabs for leg joints. I didn't even know I had knees till about 2009. They just didn't exist. Thankfully though things changed. I looked in the mirror one day and I have these knobkerrie heads just above my shins and they seemed to invite my eyes over for coffee, and it was love from then on. One of my favourite sensations is putting on a clean pair of freshly ironed black skinnies. I love how they slide up my legs, I love how they hug my calves and I absolutely adore the look and feel of them around my knees. It's the one thing that makes me feel, for lack of a better word, 'sexy'. So what I'm about to say now is probably going to highlight why I'm so down.

As of late, my knee has been giving me issues. It's the one on the left, the one I often look at the most. I can't have it bent, which means I can't run, sit for long periods, lie comfortably or even enjoy the perks of carrying a lovely lady. I'm literally a semi-cripple. It bothers me shitless because I'm basically useless without the use of my legs. It's gotten to the point where I'm probably going to have to amputate it just to teach it a lesson. I've told it to shape up over the last week and even though it's listened to a point, it hasn't fixed itself completely so I have no choice but to punish it. It makes me sad to think that I won't be able to marvel at it anymore but it's all for the greater good.


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