My Last Note.

I wrote a tweet in reply to something Kelly had said. She tweeted saying, "When was the last time you were on a rollercoaster?". Being the wise cracking kind of arse I am, I said "The last time I was in a relationship." After I wrote that, I kind of saw how that could be taken in various ways, I can that I may have overstepped a line somewhere along the way.

I harbour no hard feelings towards my ex, in fact, I hold her in high regard for all we went through. I wasn't making a dig at her or anything, just at the way relationships go. They are a rollercoaster though and no one can say otherwise. There are extreme highs, insane lows and a whirlwind, toilet bowl flushing effect in the middle. They aren't for the faint hearted or those that have a weak stomach. I actually wish I had an iron stomach so I could ride that rollercoaster again. I look at people who can just jump from one relationship to another without even blinking an eye and I envy them. What happened to the Msizi that would just saunter out of a relationship like it was an after thought. What happened to the Msizi that would break up with you using a set of song lyrics? Where did the Msizi go that would drunkenly call you after hooking up with a girl and then tell you to figure out the status of the relationship from the gist of the conversation? He died somewhere along a year or two ago. At the moment, I'm sitting in the company of those that just came off the ride with wobbly legs, we're getting some smoothies to calm our frayed nerves, it's nice.

Kayleigh told me to seek closure the other day, she actually told me to seek closure many times over. She said it so many times in the space of one week that I swear we only spoke just for her to tell me to do that. She had a point. I saw the need to do what she was saying. I wasn't in the greatest space for a few weeks. I was the ultimate killer of dreams and hopes of anyone who even dared to come near me. All around me people were entering these lovely joyous unions, many of them suddenly stumbling upon these hidden treasures, these gems and here I was, still working with the emptiness of the once off meeting. I was finding it a little difficult to cope with all of this, I did need closure. Kayleigh wanted me to go to Emma and talk to her. She said I needed to get everything out of my system. She said I needed to know why it all went the way it did. She said I needed to be set loose from the past so that I could see a way forward. I never did what Kayleigh said. I did all my talking, the ex is aware of this and I finally reached a point where I looked back and kind of kicked myself in the head for all of it. I finally found my peaceful oasis in the storm that was me, and from there, that's how I finally got to where I am today.

I told myself that after six months, everything would be out my system. I'm never wrong. But the point of this post isn't really about all this. On my way home today, I was sitting, thinking of all the things I missed about my ex. The series of tweets had me thinking and I didn't want it to go down like the many other things I've said that have been left unexplained. I don't miss her in that kind of way anymore. I don't feel a tight knot in my stomach when I think of her, I thought I would but it seems to have been unraveled. I don't think of the days we had as something that I would welcome back at the blink of an eye. I'm not about that life anymore. But I do miss the bint. I miss her in a way that I miss my headphones when I'm away from home for a long time. I miss her like how I miss the feel of my keyboard when I write out notes by hand. I miss her in the way I miss my favourite pair of jeans after they've been in the wash for a week. I miss her in a fond, platonic way. It's like the warm feeling you get after a lovely cup of coffee or playing with puppies at a shelter, it feels good and it promotes healing in the long run. I learnt a lot when I was with the bint. I grew up a lot when I was with the bint. I finally felt when I was with the bint. I miss the way I'd tell her things that I couldn't tell anyone else because her opinion, or lack thereof, was all the prod I needed in decisions. I miss the friend, after all she did start off as my favourite person. I'm sure I had a list longer than this but sometimes less is more.

Anyway, I've lost my train of thought now. I cant multi- task. Replying to messages and trying to keep thoughts in a line is sometimes hard for me when they're not of the same persuasion. It was good while it lasted. In the words of a wise friend, "Twas heaven here with you."
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