So I've officially started school. I'm back into the education system and I'm now facing a whole new set of challenges which aren't too scary but they're intimidating nonetheless.
When I say intimidating what I really mean is that at the moment I don't have any idea where I stand at all so I have no way to evaluate myself. I feel and am pretty certain that I am firing a million leagues below par which for me is just not right. I'm frustrated. I know it's early days and this will be a much harder challenge than I had first believed but I know for a fact I can do it, I'm not doubting the fact I can, I'm just not sure when I'll finally get there. I'm feeling a lot like Fernando Torres. So much riding on this, eyes all over and you gotta perform or else you look silly and people start to wonder if you're worth your £50 million price tag. I know I am. I know I can pull back a few epic goals but right now I'm firing unbelievable misses. I know this is all a bit silly to say after only two days but I'm just not happy.
I must say though, the place isn't bad. I know of a lot of the people there, many I've seen on one night or another. They're a nice little eclectic mix of characters. Yeah it's not what I'm used to and at the moment I'm not the best person to be around a mix of different things going on but it's not so bad. I'm still in my phase where I sit back in the background and observe all the people around me but today I found I was adding my own two cents which surprised me, I guess the place has a way of sucking you out a lot faster than one would think.
I still don't know just what's going on, I'm basically just going with the flow and going through the motions till I see some form of structure, or get used to the fact there isn't and build my own which I undoubtedly will most likely have to do. I see nothing wrong with that, I just wish the cobwebs in my head would clear out.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
We're playing with the same pack of cards.
A relationship, not easy for anyone, even so for me.
I like a placid environment. I like a place where all is well. I've oonly known one constant relationship and that is the one my parents have. I've never known them to ever have an argument where they couldn't resolve things out civilly. All ends before the sun goes down and anything else never lasts more than a few days. I hate not being able to make a carbon copy of that. I don't know much about relationships, I know less than the common person because they seem to fall in love with everyone they meet and I can happily say I've never had that situation before, I'm only zoned once. I envy them. Imagine being able to open yourself up so much that, being able to be so out there. Personally I think that would be stupid but only because I'm the kind that won't let a female within the length of my fingers because that's where they end.
I only love once and I'm still there, don't know what it's like anywhere but this place so really I can't comment on anything else. I'm still here stead fast and tunnel visioned. I know I personally may have had my moment but I think it's something that was gonna happen after the events of tonight. He's my Jasmin if you know what I mean, he gets my skin crawling, just because I'm sorry but I think he's a proper frikin idiot, he has my utter disgust sitting on his head. He has the respect of a blind and deaf retarded seal, he doesn't know where to draw the line and the only reason I know this is because you told me so really it should be no surprise having me react this way. I dislike this feeling, I don't like feeling like the only way for me to move on from this is to play as a leveler and after my sleep when I feel a lot less calm, I'll be embarrassed by all this but the sentiment remains. I'm still not impressed, not in the slightest and this is my documented review but I may feel differently in the morning, who knows.
I'm calling time on something so fickle, it's time for us to both grow up and get over ourselves and focus on the big picture. I hate us both.
I like a placid environment. I like a place where all is well. I've oonly known one constant relationship and that is the one my parents have. I've never known them to ever have an argument where they couldn't resolve things out civilly. All ends before the sun goes down and anything else never lasts more than a few days. I hate not being able to make a carbon copy of that. I don't know much about relationships, I know less than the common person because they seem to fall in love with everyone they meet and I can happily say I've never had that situation before, I'm only zoned once. I envy them. Imagine being able to open yourself up so much that, being able to be so out there. Personally I think that would be stupid but only because I'm the kind that won't let a female within the length of my fingers because that's where they end.
I only love once and I'm still there, don't know what it's like anywhere but this place so really I can't comment on anything else. I'm still here stead fast and tunnel visioned. I know I personally may have had my moment but I think it's something that was gonna happen after the events of tonight. He's my Jasmin if you know what I mean, he gets my skin crawling, just because I'm sorry but I think he's a proper frikin idiot, he has my utter disgust sitting on his head. He has the respect of a blind and deaf retarded seal, he doesn't know where to draw the line and the only reason I know this is because you told me so really it should be no surprise having me react this way. I dislike this feeling, I don't like feeling like the only way for me to move on from this is to play as a leveler and after my sleep when I feel a lot less calm, I'll be embarrassed by all this but the sentiment remains. I'm still not impressed, not in the slightest and this is my documented review but I may feel differently in the morning, who knows.
I'm calling time on something so fickle, it's time for us to both grow up and get over ourselves and focus on the big picture. I hate us both.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Phone Etiquette
I hate speaking to people over the phone, it's something quite evident in the way I never phone people. Wait, let me rephrase that, I hate speaking to people over the phone if I have to phone them.
The way I see it, if someone phones me then they wanted to have a conversation with me and so I assume the have something to say, have planned a conversation and so they'll entertain me. If not and we're reduced to awkward silences then it's only their own time their wasting and so have themselves to blame. I hate phoning people. I always worry that they're busy and I'll be phoning at the wrong time and I always think of what I'm gonna say before I do. I had to phone Taryn The School Lady the other day to sort out Friday and I'd planned everything I was gonna say and before I lost my nerve I dialled that number like a boss. As soon as I got a 'Hello' I went into my planned conversation. I did the hello's and the how are you's as politely as I possibly could and then dived into the heart of the matter, asking about whether I could come in and what time, the usual things. Half way through, she asks what I'm talking about, sounding all confused and so now I get confused, and she's like "Msizi what are you talking about?" It then clicks in my brain that I've gone and phoned little Taryn James and not Taryn The School Lady. Haha ah when I finally got it right, I nailed it to a T and it made me think. I was so absorbed in my set plan that I didn't even notice the little things like how she knew who I was without me saying my name, how familiar her voice sounded.
Haha there are those certain people I could speak to on the phone for hours and those that I can't wait for them to hang up. Speaking on the phone is a dying art and I'm not doing anything to help it out by getting nervous when I have to make any kinda call, but we're all different. 'Everyone to themselves.'
The way I see it, if someone phones me then they wanted to have a conversation with me and so I assume the have something to say, have planned a conversation and so they'll entertain me. If not and we're reduced to awkward silences then it's only their own time their wasting and so have themselves to blame. I hate phoning people. I always worry that they're busy and I'll be phoning at the wrong time and I always think of what I'm gonna say before I do. I had to phone Taryn The School Lady the other day to sort out Friday and I'd planned everything I was gonna say and before I lost my nerve I dialled that number like a boss. As soon as I got a 'Hello' I went into my planned conversation. I did the hello's and the how are you's as politely as I possibly could and then dived into the heart of the matter, asking about whether I could come in and what time, the usual things. Half way through, she asks what I'm talking about, sounding all confused and so now I get confused, and she's like "Msizi what are you talking about?" It then clicks in my brain that I've gone and phoned little Taryn James and not Taryn The School Lady. Haha ah when I finally got it right, I nailed it to a T and it made me think. I was so absorbed in my set plan that I didn't even notice the little things like how she knew who I was without me saying my name, how familiar her voice sounded.
Haha there are those certain people I could speak to on the phone for hours and those that I can't wait for them to hang up. Speaking on the phone is a dying art and I'm not doing anything to help it out by getting nervous when I have to make any kinda call, but we're all different. 'Everyone to themselves.'
The Price Of Love - White Lies.
"Don't lay a finger" I said but he held her with five
Kissed the crest of her lips
And put his hands on her thigh
"One million in a week or the girl's gonna go"
"I'd kill you in a second" He laughed "Yeah I know"
I won eight hundred thousand on a game show
But it's not enough to win her back
As my tears hit the floor he still said "No"
"Come on man give me some slack"
I looked at the case he said "I'll show you her blood"
I screamed down the phoneline
"So is this the price of love?"
When I stare in your eyes I see the image of God
Well girl listen out for the phonecall and pray for a flood
I called at a quarter past nine and said "I've done all I can"
He said "You win some you lose some I feel bad for you man"
He slammed down the phone and took his coat from the bed
She said "What happens now" "Well to your husband you're dead"
She said "I love you" and pleaded for her hero to stay
But knew deep inside that he'd planned it this way
"I gave him my heart now he's left it to die
And I know I can't go back"
He walked out the room shouted "See you around"
She begged "Come on give me some slack"
He said "There's no hope but babe you can wait for that dove"
She screamed from the window
"So is this the price of love?"
So is this the price of love?
Kissed the crest of her lips
And put his hands on her thigh
"One million in a week or the girl's gonna go"
"I'd kill you in a second" He laughed "Yeah I know"
I won eight hundred thousand on a game show
But it's not enough to win her back
As my tears hit the floor he still said "No"
"Come on man give me some slack"
I looked at the case he said "I'll show you her blood"
I screamed down the phoneline
"So is this the price of love?"
When I stare in your eyes I see the image of God
Well girl listen out for the phonecall and pray for a flood
I called at a quarter past nine and said "I've done all I can"
He said "You win some you lose some I feel bad for you man"
He slammed down the phone and took his coat from the bed
She said "What happens now" "Well to your husband you're dead"
She said "I love you" and pleaded for her hero to stay
But knew deep inside that he'd planned it this way
"I gave him my heart now he's left it to die
And I know I can't go back"
He walked out the room shouted "See you around"
She begged "Come on give me some slack"
He said "There's no hope but babe you can wait for that dove"
She screamed from the window
"So is this the price of love?"
So is this the price of love?
Friday, January 20, 2012
The Ex Factor.
The other day I was sitting on a couch, having a beer with a friend focussing all my attention on Pop videos and I was lost in thought.
When a relationship fails, like it most probably will at some point, there is a huge difference between the two people involved. There is always that one person who will move on straight away, they've accepted what has happened and whether it's pride or the way they're wired up, they go on with life in their stride, not pausing for a second. Then there is the other person, the one that takes it a little harder and takes a while to get going, they stumble a bit but after a while they set their legs straight and are able to stand tall.
After a break up, people should be more supportive. Nothing is better than a clean break because then both parties move on better but once everyone is on their feet, let's be friends you know. There is nothing more sickening than an ex that feels the need to tub their personal life in the face of another, like how things were done in primary school. It's not "I've found someone new, look at me." it's, "I've found someone new, how about you?". There is always going to be a degree of caring going on but there is a huge difference between friendship and relationship. I don't feel for those I've had a thing with the same as I did whilst we were together, they're the same as a friend and so I don't care as much as I used to and vice versa but that doesn't mean it's an all out war. I've come across so much juvenile stupidity lately that I sometimes wonder why to even bother. I know in the long run people get over their insecurities and see that what they thought was a wolf is actually a sheep in shaggy clothing and the only way to prove that is to get close enough for their warped eyes to see but if people aren't willing to focus, it gets tiresome.
As is always been the way I've seen things, people really should just chill and let things go, life moves on. I'll grab a coffee with you and I'll get you back home but you gotta relax and realize any other friend would do the same, that's what I am.
When a relationship fails, like it most probably will at some point, there is a huge difference between the two people involved. There is always that one person who will move on straight away, they've accepted what has happened and whether it's pride or the way they're wired up, they go on with life in their stride, not pausing for a second. Then there is the other person, the one that takes it a little harder and takes a while to get going, they stumble a bit but after a while they set their legs straight and are able to stand tall.
After a break up, people should be more supportive. Nothing is better than a clean break because then both parties move on better but once everyone is on their feet, let's be friends you know. There is nothing more sickening than an ex that feels the need to tub their personal life in the face of another, like how things were done in primary school. It's not "I've found someone new, look at me." it's, "I've found someone new, how about you?". There is always going to be a degree of caring going on but there is a huge difference between friendship and relationship. I don't feel for those I've had a thing with the same as I did whilst we were together, they're the same as a friend and so I don't care as much as I used to and vice versa but that doesn't mean it's an all out war. I've come across so much juvenile stupidity lately that I sometimes wonder why to even bother. I know in the long run people get over their insecurities and see that what they thought was a wolf is actually a sheep in shaggy clothing and the only way to prove that is to get close enough for their warped eyes to see but if people aren't willing to focus, it gets tiresome.
As is always been the way I've seen things, people really should just chill and let things go, life moves on. I'll grab a coffee with you and I'll get you back home but you gotta relax and realize any other friend would do the same, that's what I am.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
You're a lost hour
These quiet, late hours. Who are they and what do they want? Who are you? What are you doing here? Do you serve a purpose? Are you on your way? Are you doing your own will? Are you lost? Have you been here before, seen this place? Do you know what will happen as if a script had been given to you? Do I know you? Do you know you? Am I you or are you me? Are we even the same person? Do you like me? I don't know if I like you, I don't really know you. How did you get here? Was it by plane, boat or maybe a donkey horse? One of those horses that likes a donkey too much and they start dating for a few years, get engaged and married. They decide to settle down but get so swept up in their lives and careers that they barely know each other anymore, always coming home to an empty house but sharing the same communal bed. They think having a baby is the answer, yeah what good that'll do. Soon they have this thing to faff over. Sure it brings them together for a little while but them life resumes and they start to hate it, to resent it. It's holding them back, keeping them from continuing on. It needs so much attention, whose bright idea was it to have it? Send it away, its painful to look at it.
Is that how you came? On the back of a broken beast? If you did I'd understand. I'm not asking too much am I? Don't answer that, I know I am. It's not like I'm really expecting any answers, I guess I already know what you're going to say. Why aren't you one person? Why are you spread all over like cheap no name spread? You know that one, the one that barely covers the bread and you keep adding on and on and on and on, till you get this thick gunk of whatever the hell it is after that. You bite into that thing and all you're eating is mush with a convenient bread layer, just for taste. Anyway, you must be quite tired now. I'm sure you weren't the most comfortable person on your journey, your brain must be knackered. Put it down for a second, put it in this jar, it will be refreshed, it needs a bit of a rest. Looks like you did quite a job on it anyway.
I don't know why you came if I'm honest. I don't know what you're wanting to find, I don't know if you'll find anything anyway. I'm not gonna stop you though, I'm not gonna help you either. I don't like you, I don't see any point in doing that, there is no benefit for me out of this, although there really isn't anything for you to benefit either I suppose. Well I never know with you, you're a wiley fox. You're the boisterous boil on the buttock of a flatulent baboon. Look at all your silly light hearted mockings, they're all over the place. You should probably clean that up sometime, not now though, rest a bit, they'll get used to them.
Is that how you came? On the back of a broken beast? If you did I'd understand. I'm not asking too much am I? Don't answer that, I know I am. It's not like I'm really expecting any answers, I guess I already know what you're going to say. Why aren't you one person? Why are you spread all over like cheap no name spread? You know that one, the one that barely covers the bread and you keep adding on and on and on and on, till you get this thick gunk of whatever the hell it is after that. You bite into that thing and all you're eating is mush with a convenient bread layer, just for taste. Anyway, you must be quite tired now. I'm sure you weren't the most comfortable person on your journey, your brain must be knackered. Put it down for a second, put it in this jar, it will be refreshed, it needs a bit of a rest. Looks like you did quite a job on it anyway.
I don't know why you came if I'm honest. I don't know what you're wanting to find, I don't know if you'll find anything anyway. I'm not gonna stop you though, I'm not gonna help you either. I don't like you, I don't see any point in doing that, there is no benefit for me out of this, although there really isn't anything for you to benefit either I suppose. Well I never know with you, you're a wiley fox. You're the boisterous boil on the buttock of a flatulent baboon. Look at all your silly light hearted mockings, they're all over the place. You should probably clean that up sometime, not now though, rest a bit, they'll get used to them.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
What The Water Gave Me - Florence and The Machine
Time it took us
To where the water was
That’s what the water gave me
And time goes quicker
Between the two of us
Oh, my love, don’t forsake me
Take what the water gave me
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Pockets full of stones
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
And oh, poor Atlas
The world’s a beast of a burden
You’ve been holding on a long time
And all this longing
And the ships are left to rust
That’s what the water gave us
So lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Pockets full of stones
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
‘Cause they took your loved ones
But returned them in exchange for you
But would you have it any other way?
Would you have it any other way?
You couldn't have it any other way
‘Cause she’s a cruel mistress
And a bargain must be made
But oh, my love, don’t forget me
I let the water take me
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the over flow
Pockets full of stones
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Pockets full of stones
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
To where the water was
That’s what the water gave me
And time goes quicker
Between the two of us
Oh, my love, don’t forsake me
Take what the water gave me
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Pockets full of stones
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
And oh, poor Atlas
The world’s a beast of a burden
You’ve been holding on a long time
And all this longing
And the ships are left to rust
That’s what the water gave us
So lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Pockets full of stones
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
‘Cause they took your loved ones
But returned them in exchange for you
But would you have it any other way?
Would you have it any other way?
You couldn't have it any other way
‘Cause she’s a cruel mistress
And a bargain must be made
But oh, my love, don’t forget me
I let the water take me
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the over flow
Pockets full of stones
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Pockets full of stones
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Have a scary thought, it keeps you in check.
I'm lying in my bed, I have no ambition to do anything right now. I don't feel like watching TV, I don't fancy reading a book, I have music on but it barely registers. I'm just lying here on my back in my dark room slowly thinking about the moment when I'll finally go insane.
I'm scared of going insane. I know I'm not the most normal person out there. I know my thinking patterns don't follow a set of written rules. I know my brain has a trap door where all the thoughts of someone in their right mind get lured into and then feasted upon. I mean it's not such a bad thing, having crazy thoughts but ah, I'm not insane. Sure I do happen to speak to myself from time to time and I look at certain things weirdly but I like to think that's just my disposition. I'm making excuses which kinda means I am crazy. Oh well.
I think I have an eating disorder. It's not that I don't eat, because I eat like a boss. I also eat at my own time when I'm hungry and not at the same time as everyone in the world because last time I checked, there wasn't a universal time where everyone in the world sat down for their three meals a day. Every time I eat, I feel as if I can feel the food piling on the KGs. Like it's weird, I think it's because I'm so small thet every change in my body registers and I suddenly feel weightier at the time. It generally wears off after a while but it's a weird feeling that I dislike, I feel the bintness creep up on me and it's scary. The most logical thing would be to not to eat but I know how stupid that is and I love that bitch they call food, she's tasty. I enjoy eating as much as the next person and I seriously had the appetite of a working person for a while that I'm glad I'm retired now so I cam resume at my happy pace.
I'm very tired with our mediocre existence. Why are we so shabby? I mean it was cool when we were in 2010 and we were riding on a frikin balloon high but now enough is enough. Ever since I stepped into a pair of Clodgers I realized that we gotta get on growing. When I was at Frendz before New Years eve and was buzzing a bit from the braai before, I took a look around and looked at all the people there, I wasn't impressed. I was saddened by what I saw. There was a mix of people, from the younguns breaking through into the world of going out but there was also a lot of people that were too old and seemed to be stuck in that rut. I don't know what it is, maybe it's the leather from my shoes or the big boy wallet in my black skinny jeans messing with my head but it seems like we're moving at a pace this place can't handle. The cracks are starting to show. We're getting to a point where this is all a bit too infantile. I'm craving something more grown up now, I'm tired of all these places woth the same faces, the same stories and the same regrets the next morning.
I'm scared of going insane. I know I'm not the most normal person out there. I know my thinking patterns don't follow a set of written rules. I know my brain has a trap door where all the thoughts of someone in their right mind get lured into and then feasted upon. I mean it's not such a bad thing, having crazy thoughts but ah, I'm not insane. Sure I do happen to speak to myself from time to time and I look at certain things weirdly but I like to think that's just my disposition. I'm making excuses which kinda means I am crazy. Oh well.
I think I have an eating disorder. It's not that I don't eat, because I eat like a boss. I also eat at my own time when I'm hungry and not at the same time as everyone in the world because last time I checked, there wasn't a universal time where everyone in the world sat down for their three meals a day. Every time I eat, I feel as if I can feel the food piling on the KGs. Like it's weird, I think it's because I'm so small thet every change in my body registers and I suddenly feel weightier at the time. It generally wears off after a while but it's a weird feeling that I dislike, I feel the bintness creep up on me and it's scary. The most logical thing would be to not to eat but I know how stupid that is and I love that bitch they call food, she's tasty. I enjoy eating as much as the next person and I seriously had the appetite of a working person for a while that I'm glad I'm retired now so I cam resume at my happy pace.
I'm very tired with our mediocre existence. Why are we so shabby? I mean it was cool when we were in 2010 and we were riding on a frikin balloon high but now enough is enough. Ever since I stepped into a pair of Clodgers I realized that we gotta get on growing. When I was at Frendz before New Years eve and was buzzing a bit from the braai before, I took a look around and looked at all the people there, I wasn't impressed. I was saddened by what I saw. There was a mix of people, from the younguns breaking through into the world of going out but there was also a lot of people that were too old and seemed to be stuck in that rut. I don't know what it is, maybe it's the leather from my shoes or the big boy wallet in my black skinny jeans messing with my head but it seems like we're moving at a pace this place can't handle. The cracks are starting to show. We're getting to a point where this is all a bit too infantile. I'm craving something more grown up now, I'm tired of all these places woth the same faces, the same stories and the same regrets the next morning.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thanks to Amy, Im a Gangster.
Ever since Amy's party I've been secretly listening to rap music, and not the normal rap I listen to with proper lyrics and a use of the english language that takes your mind to the corner of the room and proceeds to urinate on your vocabulary like you're a 2 year old child, making you wonder why you don't know such huge words. No, I've been listening to the stuff that's on the radio, mainly Drake.
At Amy's party I came there all dressed up like a straight edge prep with my Clodgers, black skinnies and my black jacket like I was about to take someone on a date and I must say that for a change, I was the odd one out. I was surrounded by people of the Hip Hop denomination. I felt strange and the only other one who was considered different there was Aimee's boyfriend who was really dressed as a jock. They were playing their rap music and although I wasn't moved by the underground hardcore mofo nigga spitters, I eventually finding myself enjoying the lighter stuff. I've always had a bit of a thing for Drake. Promise Dlamini introduced me to him and I watched a documentary on the guy and Forever was a sick song in my opinion and so it all kinda stemmed from there. I'm not a huge fan but as of late, I've been on a binge.
Music plays a huge part in the way we dress. The more experimental you are with your tastes, the more your wardrobe varies. You can tell what someone likes just by looking at the way they're dressed because music is an integral part of pop culture. I've decided I'm not gonna suppress the gangster in me, I'm just gonna play him out subtley.
At Amy's party I came there all dressed up like a straight edge prep with my Clodgers, black skinnies and my black jacket like I was about to take someone on a date and I must say that for a change, I was the odd one out. I was surrounded by people of the Hip Hop denomination. I felt strange and the only other one who was considered different there was Aimee's boyfriend who was really dressed as a jock. They were playing their rap music and although I wasn't moved by the underground hardcore mofo nigga spitters, I eventually finding myself enjoying the lighter stuff. I've always had a bit of a thing for Drake. Promise Dlamini introduced me to him and I watched a documentary on the guy and Forever was a sick song in my opinion and so it all kinda stemmed from there. I'm not a huge fan but as of late, I've been on a binge.
Music plays a huge part in the way we dress. The more experimental you are with your tastes, the more your wardrobe varies. You can tell what someone likes just by looking at the way they're dressed because music is an integral part of pop culture. I've decided I'm not gonna suppress the gangster in me, I'm just gonna play him out subtley.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)