Have a scary thought, it keeps you in check.

I'm lying in my bed, I have no ambition to do anything right now. I don't feel like watching TV, I don't fancy reading a book, I have music on but it barely registers. I'm just lying here on my back in my dark room slowly thinking about the moment when I'll finally go insane.

I'm scared of going insane. I know I'm not the most normal person out there. I know my thinking patterns don't follow a set of written rules. I know my brain has a trap door where all the thoughts of someone in their right mind get lured into and then feasted upon. I mean it's not such a bad thing, having crazy thoughts but ah, I'm not insane. Sure I do happen to speak to myself from time to time and I look at certain things weirdly but I like to think that's just my disposition. I'm making excuses which kinda means I am crazy. Oh well.

I think I have an eating disorder. It's not that I don't eat, because I eat like a boss. I also eat at my own time when I'm hungry and not at the same time as everyone in the world because last time I checked, there wasn't a universal time where everyone in the world sat down for their three meals a day. Every time I eat, I feel as if I can feel the food piling on the KGs. Like it's weird, I think it's because I'm so small thet every change in my body registers and I suddenly feel weightier at the time. It generally wears off after a while but it's a weird feeling that I dislike, I feel the bintness creep up on me and it's scary. The most logical thing would be to not to eat but I know how stupid that is and I love that bitch they call food, she's tasty. I enjoy eating as much as the next person and I seriously had the appetite of a working person for a while that I'm glad I'm retired now so I cam resume at my happy pace.

I'm very tired with our mediocre existence. Why are we so shabby? I mean it was cool when we were in 2010 and we were riding on a frikin balloon high but now enough is enough. Ever since I stepped into a pair of Clodgers I realized that we gotta get on growing. When I was at Frendz before New Years eve and was buzzing a bit from the braai before, I took a look around and looked at all the people there, I wasn't impressed. I was saddened by what I saw. There was a mix of people, from the younguns breaking through into the world of going out but there was also a lot of people that were too old and seemed to be stuck in that rut. I don't know what it is, maybe it's the leather from my shoes or the big boy wallet in my black skinny jeans messing with my head but it seems like we're moving at a pace this place can't handle. The cracks are starting to show. We're getting to a point where this is all a bit too infantile. I'm craving something more grown up now, I'm tired of all these places woth the same faces, the same stories and the same regrets the next morning.