Ok so its not race day per say its the day before but just what my mind needed.
Its not just about staying home to watch a full weekend of racing, its also about being alone with this mind. I enjoy spending time by myself sometimes, there's this place in my head where everyone knows me and im the headlining act, the drinks are free, the women are easy and the conversation is profound but at my level and my points are always right, they worship me here. I was speaking to James and i dono what she was buzzing off, probably kiddie crack or something but even tho im sure she was trying to tell me about some achievement of hers i couldn't help but not really get into thought about what she was saying, i was probably thinkin somethin completely different to what she was going on about but i realized a few things.
I want to understand my brain fully. I want to be able to control situations and circumstances to my liking. Bruce Wayne. Before he was even Batman he was a hero, "looked so handsome stood not dancing, drawing you in like you're boring to him" - Da Frame 2R. That song says it all really, the guy controls without having to make any form of effort at all, people dont even know he's Batman but still he oozes confidence. I want to be able to have an understanding of myself to the point where i am able to say "i anticipated that but really so what" i can do the anticipate part, many things dont shock me anymore when they happen but its the so what that im lacking, living with that decision and moulding it into my image and likeness.
I'll never quite know everything, my brain will work itself into a tizz thinking over things and trying to understand but I'll still lack the knowledge i seek.
Im gettin side tracked now the whole point of this post was to say that I've found my little world again, at one point i had one of those little cliche moments. I was listening to God's Bathroom by Atmosphere (its never failed to not speak to me, i know deep down my mind is exactly like that) sitting cross legged in the middle of my bed, oversized headphones on like in the movies and as i was taking in this song the little voices in my head all chimed at once, "welcome back, we've missed you"
Thats exactly what i need after this week and the week to come, now starts hell but thats ok, the voices in my head are with and not against me for once...
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Pleasing the Tifozi
Alonso's on pole, he probably feels good about it seeing as its the teams home race and pleasing the fans is also a good thing but right next to him is a certain Button...
Its got me thinking really. Here's a team that hasn't had the best runs of late and with all the controversy all they wanna do is please everyone. Now there's nothing wrong with trying to o that but you gotta take your strengths and beliefs into consideration. Sure you want to keep them happy and you may just be able to pull off some conflict free runs but in the back of your mind there is that niggling thought that says "eventually you will slip up and all eyes will be on you". Why didnt he just sit back, know that this is out of his power and let the events just take place, it wont hurt to admit defeat and accept that this is not your battle to fight so why not just be impartial? Too often there is this pressure that if we say and do what we really think then all hell will swallow us in one gulp. Is hell such a scary place? The human mind is hell enough on its own surely what happens on the outside has already been considered on the inside.
So he pleases the tifozi because judgement burns? My judgement stands and now we see how the events unfold...
Its got me thinking really. Here's a team that hasn't had the best runs of late and with all the controversy all they wanna do is please everyone. Now there's nothing wrong with trying to o that but you gotta take your strengths and beliefs into consideration. Sure you want to keep them happy and you may just be able to pull off some conflict free runs but in the back of your mind there is that niggling thought that says "eventually you will slip up and all eyes will be on you". Why didnt he just sit back, know that this is out of his power and let the events just take place, it wont hurt to admit defeat and accept that this is not your battle to fight so why not just be impartial? Too often there is this pressure that if we say and do what we really think then all hell will swallow us in one gulp. Is hell such a scary place? The human mind is hell enough on its own surely what happens on the outside has already been considered on the inside.
So he pleases the tifozi because judgement burns? My judgement stands and now we see how the events unfold...
Bernie's trying his best to hold my attention
Today was a great start to a weekend of tail out, tyre smoke action. I caught free practice and i must say i was impressed.
Being a Mc Laren supporter i was too amped when i heard that Jenson, we all know my thoughts about Jenson, was leading in FP1 and even tho Hamilton was third i was still amped. Ah whenever i watch Free Practice i always yearn to be at the circuit watching with my two eyeballs as the pair from Woking tear down that track, urinating on the faces of the in-fighting Red Bulls and leaving steam pies in the shoes of those silly Ferrari fools who really should just be turned to glue now, they've completely lost it. Each time i watch all i want is to finally have my yacht sitting in Monaco or Valencia watching the race in comfort with many beautiful women and a few close friends, thats how everyone else does it so i shall be no different.
What i noticed today is that each time one of the Mc Laren cars were on track the camera work was of the top shelf, honestly my mind was blown by how great everything looked and the sound that came out of those engines on overrun surely must be illegal, they shouldn't play noises like that during the day on tv, thats the stuff of late night viewing. I lost count of how many times those cars looked so brilliant, my drivers were really doing a great job even if they were just testing everything. The best thing for me has to be when a slide is captured beautifully. I once watched GP2 qualifying and till this day i have never seen such a beautiful slide from a single seater before. Romain Grosjean set me on fire when he tip toed that machine back into shape, it looked so beautiful. I dont care that you've just given birth to a baby and you think that the welcoming of a new life to this world is a beautiful thing but can your silly baby make its existance an art in my eyes? Drifting of any kind must be a sexual act really, it cant be something good if it makes one question just which species they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
Does Bernie know that he has to compete for my attention now? Is he pulling out all the stops to keep me glued, trying to justify my decision to have a proper race weekend after so many botched attempts? Well either way im here and my eyes are still glued to the screen even tho the mind may be far away, it may not but this weekend my boys are going to perform and they have no choice, i didnt just sacrifice valuable time to settle for anything less than a 1-2.
Lord help those who get in the way of my happy ending this weekend...
Being a Mc Laren supporter i was too amped when i heard that Jenson, we all know my thoughts about Jenson, was leading in FP1 and even tho Hamilton was third i was still amped. Ah whenever i watch Free Practice i always yearn to be at the circuit watching with my two eyeballs as the pair from Woking tear down that track, urinating on the faces of the in-fighting Red Bulls and leaving steam pies in the shoes of those silly Ferrari fools who really should just be turned to glue now, they've completely lost it. Each time i watch all i want is to finally have my yacht sitting in Monaco or Valencia watching the race in comfort with many beautiful women and a few close friends, thats how everyone else does it so i shall be no different.
What i noticed today is that each time one of the Mc Laren cars were on track the camera work was of the top shelf, honestly my mind was blown by how great everything looked and the sound that came out of those engines on overrun surely must be illegal, they shouldn't play noises like that during the day on tv, thats the stuff of late night viewing. I lost count of how many times those cars looked so brilliant, my drivers were really doing a great job even if they were just testing everything. The best thing for me has to be when a slide is captured beautifully. I once watched GP2 qualifying and till this day i have never seen such a beautiful slide from a single seater before. Romain Grosjean set me on fire when he tip toed that machine back into shape, it looked so beautiful. I dont care that you've just given birth to a baby and you think that the welcoming of a new life to this world is a beautiful thing but can your silly baby make its existance an art in my eyes? Drifting of any kind must be a sexual act really, it cant be something good if it makes one question just which species they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
Does Bernie know that he has to compete for my attention now? Is he pulling out all the stops to keep me glued, trying to justify my decision to have a proper race weekend after so many botched attempts? Well either way im here and my eyes are still glued to the screen even tho the mind may be far away, it may not but this weekend my boys are going to perform and they have no choice, i didnt just sacrifice valuable time to settle for anything less than a 1-2.
Lord help those who get in the way of my happy ending this weekend...
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Vegetable pushers
Im showing my age again...
Last night i had a conversation with a little girl about killing time. I said that when i have nothing else to do i flick beans. Then she said something about my girlfriends poenaner and i was shocked, how could somethin as innocent as beans conjure up such perverted comments. Little did i know but i in fact set it up.
Now days you gotta be careful what you say, things can get twisted around so much and words have so many other meanings that saying "im gonna go get me some tasty wheat" could mean you're going out to buy sacks of flavoured weed. When i said i flick beans i meant the actual act of flicking the beans that we cook and eat, not jabbing a snoek. You see even I've done it right there. Now days you gotta stay abreast with all the new jargon used by the kids or you'll get left behind. I was shocked when i was told today what my words actually meant so i must apologize to the WD for thinking she was a very perverted little girl, she was just sayin what she thought I meant and now I've learnt not to do any form of acts with vegetables if i want to be regarded as someone who is morally sound....
Last night i had a conversation with a little girl about killing time. I said that when i have nothing else to do i flick beans. Then she said something about my girlfriends poenaner and i was shocked, how could somethin as innocent as beans conjure up such perverted comments. Little did i know but i in fact set it up.
Now days you gotta be careful what you say, things can get twisted around so much and words have so many other meanings that saying "im gonna go get me some tasty wheat" could mean you're going out to buy sacks of flavoured weed. When i said i flick beans i meant the actual act of flicking the beans that we cook and eat, not jabbing a snoek. You see even I've done it right there. Now days you gotta stay abreast with all the new jargon used by the kids or you'll get left behind. I was shocked when i was told today what my words actually meant so i must apologize to the WD for thinking she was a very perverted little girl, she was just sayin what she thought I meant and now I've learnt not to do any form of acts with vegetables if i want to be regarded as someone who is morally sound....
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
what happened gender seperation
I was givin it some thought today and nothing says boy or girl anymore.
I swear there used to be a time when pants were a male thing to wear. There was also a time when pop music was the glorified music for girls and anything worth listenin to was for males but now days girls wear pants and i know a coupla people that enjoy a good bit of enrique iglasssious who thinks making music is shouting loudly at your tv screen while falling onto a table. I understand that we can never say one thing is for this gender and this for another but I've come to this conclusion.
I was playin Gran Turismo today and it dawned on me that the only way to differentiate between boy and girl is to look at what games people play. It makes sense that in every persons game collection whether male or female there should be one racing game, a sports game of some sort and a pointless war game but where everything differs is that in a boys collection They'll have things like "leisure suite larry" and "carmageddon" and "world series of poker" and "deer hunter: killer of small animals cum laude edition" but in a girls collection you'll see things like "barbies fairytopia" and "sims 11" and "hannah montana bejeweller singstar version". What happens to be in my collection is all typical msizi, i own the games that make up every collection but thats about it, i stopped at the car racing genre and got lost, only Gran Turismo tickles these nipples...
Haha ah Jimmy is funny, "whhhat a terrific audience"
I swear there used to be a time when pants were a male thing to wear. There was also a time when pop music was the glorified music for girls and anything worth listenin to was for males but now days girls wear pants and i know a coupla people that enjoy a good bit of enrique iglasssious who thinks making music is shouting loudly at your tv screen while falling onto a table. I understand that we can never say one thing is for this gender and this for another but I've come to this conclusion.
I was playin Gran Turismo today and it dawned on me that the only way to differentiate between boy and girl is to look at what games people play. It makes sense that in every persons game collection whether male or female there should be one racing game, a sports game of some sort and a pointless war game but where everything differs is that in a boys collection They'll have things like "leisure suite larry" and "carmageddon" and "world series of poker" and "deer hunter: killer of small animals cum laude edition" but in a girls collection you'll see things like "barbies fairytopia" and "sims 11" and "hannah montana bejeweller singstar version". What happens to be in my collection is all typical msizi, i own the games that make up every collection but thats about it, i stopped at the car racing genre and got lost, only Gran Turismo tickles these nipples...
Haha ah Jimmy is funny, "whhhat a terrific audience"
simplewords
i was readin some simplewords poetry on mxit and it still speaks to me.
How i wish i was blessed with the art of being able to string a few words into a rhyme that stole everyone's breath away at how sensitive or caring or bitter with anger i could be. Poetry has always been seen as cultured and sophisticated, i find flatulence funny so i guess its no shocker that i cant write a poem for crap. I tried to look up ways to try my hand at puttin words down and i just couldn't do it, what came to me tho was this here blog which even tho was a bit of a whimsical fancy, its led to alot of venting and death of frustration...
One day when I've stopped dreaming of grassy nodes I'll try my hand again at poetry, for now i sleep...
How i wish i was blessed with the art of being able to string a few words into a rhyme that stole everyone's breath away at how sensitive or caring or bitter with anger i could be. Poetry has always been seen as cultured and sophisticated, i find flatulence funny so i guess its no shocker that i cant write a poem for crap. I tried to look up ways to try my hand at puttin words down and i just couldn't do it, what came to me tho was this here blog which even tho was a bit of a whimsical fancy, its led to alot of venting and death of frustration...
One day when I've stopped dreaming of grassy nodes I'll try my hand again at poetry, for now i sleep...
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
When all else fails, do a set...
This day was pretty good till a coupla hours ago when it became a bit much for me to deal with...
You know how you sit and kinda have those moments of thinkin how great life is? Sure your 3 button doesn't work anymore and its makin postin become a pain but you stay true to your darling and praise her for everything else she does as your trusty phone and sure you're suddenly sprung with the fact that your whole lifes work will be tested in the following week but you keep smiling because you knew it would come but even i am no superhero so i sure as hell wasn't smiling when i was asked just where does my heart belong?
"Simple question, simple answer" you tell yourself until you stop to think and realize that the questions goes alot deeper than the here and now. I could tell you in my sleep where my heart is focused now but ask me where it will be in years to come and I'll tell you that you spell dog with a q. Had anyone else asked me that question and got me in such deep thought i would've probably killed them for shooting down my chirping birds and drowning my sunshine but seein as it came from a brain im so familiar with that it could be my own i actually gave it some proper thought. Not much of an answer came to mind but what i did do however is do a whole bunch of sets.
I heard people say that they go to gym to kill stress and clear their minds but i used to be like "ah these people are crazy, who makes that kinda effort just to be tired at the end of the day?" but once i did one set, it turned to two and then three and before i knew it i had done quite a reasonable amount and if im really honest they really did put the mind at ease.
Im not saying that i dont know what i want and that im a confused wretch, what im saying is that at any given moment i am more than willing to go into it with reckless abandon. Sure Im no Hans Christian Anderson, i dont believe in fairytales but i do believe that any given moment has the potential to be what you want it to be, you just gotta stop being a withdrawn fool from such things and jump, what hands catch you will catch you and if you aren't caught then you drop to the bottom and do a set, you'll be alot stronger after that...
You know how you sit and kinda have those moments of thinkin how great life is? Sure your 3 button doesn't work anymore and its makin postin become a pain but you stay true to your darling and praise her for everything else she does as your trusty phone and sure you're suddenly sprung with the fact that your whole lifes work will be tested in the following week but you keep smiling because you knew it would come but even i am no superhero so i sure as hell wasn't smiling when i was asked just where does my heart belong?
"Simple question, simple answer" you tell yourself until you stop to think and realize that the questions goes alot deeper than the here and now. I could tell you in my sleep where my heart is focused now but ask me where it will be in years to come and I'll tell you that you spell dog with a q. Had anyone else asked me that question and got me in such deep thought i would've probably killed them for shooting down my chirping birds and drowning my sunshine but seein as it came from a brain im so familiar with that it could be my own i actually gave it some proper thought. Not much of an answer came to mind but what i did do however is do a whole bunch of sets.
I heard people say that they go to gym to kill stress and clear their minds but i used to be like "ah these people are crazy, who makes that kinda effort just to be tired at the end of the day?" but once i did one set, it turned to two and then three and before i knew it i had done quite a reasonable amount and if im really honest they really did put the mind at ease.
Im not saying that i dont know what i want and that im a confused wretch, what im saying is that at any given moment i am more than willing to go into it with reckless abandon. Sure Im no Hans Christian Anderson, i dont believe in fairytales but i do believe that any given moment has the potential to be what you want it to be, you just gotta stop being a withdrawn fool from such things and jump, what hands catch you will catch you and if you aren't caught then you drop to the bottom and do a set, you'll be alot stronger after that...
Monday, September 6, 2010
And another thing...
The problem with me is that i think on my own varying wavelength.
Friday afternoon i was speaking with my Ben Friend (he is called my Ben Friend because he was never my friend, it used to be friends and Ben but he asked to be my friend so he is. Its not out of favouritism you see) and he said that piece of genius he said a while back "if everything went perfectly you'd be one of those couples we hate". If things really had gone perfectly then that would be the case and when he said it this time round i looked back on all the situations that lead up to this moment and honestly i wouldn't change them for crap. I thought that maybe things might just go to the way of the couples we hate but on saturday night i got the confirmation from inside my brain that at least for now im too afraid and too far from being that way.
Im not picking on anyone here but this moment just light a huge light bulb in my head. I was walkin with Gem, WD and her love companion and we were looking at stalls, we were by these beaded alphabet letters and those little things that you make bangles which have your name on it and stuff and i heard an exchange from the other pair that went something like, she said "ah look at these things they're letters" and he said "oh look there's one that says I love (insert his name here) on it" and then it got a bit too lovey dovey for me...
That might not sound bad and im probably just makin a huge deal out of nothing but in my mind i was like "WTF man, wtf. Do you realize what crap you guys are goin on about here hey? What is this? Some frikin childs play dream of candy canes and blowing dandilions in the wind?". I was really disturbed by this if im honest, i was so glad for the quick exit that was made. Maybe i just have no proper grasp of how things work and what girls want said to them which is probably why i would make a great chess player but really things like that sound a bit cliche in my ears. It just says to me that maybe, just maybe i might not end up that way if those sorta things scare me and make my skin crawl. I will say things to my other half that might border the lines of cliche in my ears and i know that like each to his own and stuff but this is my blog so i can put my view first and say that lord help me on the day i start carving her name into my arms with a sharpener blade and make statuses about "being jealous when other boys hug you cuz in those 5 seconds they held my whole world in their arms" bull man come on seriously, that sorta thing just does not happen in real life, well my real life anyway. If some homie tried their luck with my girl obviously i would get jealous regardless of who my girl was but im not about to go die because you sat on her lap while i went to get juicebox out the fridge.
Haha ah this was meant to be a short post about me thinking im hopefully far from being another cliche and an irrit and really just thinking about all the cliches is agitating me so much. Do I lack emotion? Do I just have an over inflated ego? Either way shoot me when i become a deaf blind dog
Friday afternoon i was speaking with my Ben Friend (he is called my Ben Friend because he was never my friend, it used to be friends and Ben but he asked to be my friend so he is. Its not out of favouritism you see) and he said that piece of genius he said a while back "if everything went perfectly you'd be one of those couples we hate". If things really had gone perfectly then that would be the case and when he said it this time round i looked back on all the situations that lead up to this moment and honestly i wouldn't change them for crap. I thought that maybe things might just go to the way of the couples we hate but on saturday night i got the confirmation from inside my brain that at least for now im too afraid and too far from being that way.
Im not picking on anyone here but this moment just light a huge light bulb in my head. I was walkin with Gem, WD and her love companion and we were looking at stalls, we were by these beaded alphabet letters and those little things that you make bangles which have your name on it and stuff and i heard an exchange from the other pair that went something like, she said "ah look at these things they're letters" and he said "oh look there's one that says I love (insert his name here) on it" and then it got a bit too lovey dovey for me...
That might not sound bad and im probably just makin a huge deal out of nothing but in my mind i was like "WTF man, wtf. Do you realize what crap you guys are goin on about here hey? What is this? Some frikin childs play dream of candy canes and blowing dandilions in the wind?". I was really disturbed by this if im honest, i was so glad for the quick exit that was made. Maybe i just have no proper grasp of how things work and what girls want said to them which is probably why i would make a great chess player but really things like that sound a bit cliche in my ears. It just says to me that maybe, just maybe i might not end up that way if those sorta things scare me and make my skin crawl. I will say things to my other half that might border the lines of cliche in my ears and i know that like each to his own and stuff but this is my blog so i can put my view first and say that lord help me on the day i start carving her name into my arms with a sharpener blade and make statuses about "being jealous when other boys hug you cuz in those 5 seconds they held my whole world in their arms" bull man come on seriously, that sorta thing just does not happen in real life, well my real life anyway. If some homie tried their luck with my girl obviously i would get jealous regardless of who my girl was but im not about to go die because you sat on her lap while i went to get juicebox out the fridge.
Haha ah this was meant to be a short post about me thinking im hopefully far from being another cliche and an irrit and really just thinking about all the cliches is agitating me so much. Do I lack emotion? Do I just have an over inflated ego? Either way shoot me when i become a deaf blind dog
Pleased to meet me
I've known myself for quite a while now, 17 years if im not mistaken or all my life if you wanna get technical but there is still alot i dont know about this homie writing this here post...
If it were in any way possible i would forfeit a night of dreaming just so i could sit inside my subconscious and read my owners manual. I cant just picture myself sitting inside my head on a big red leather wingback chair, in a tweed suit with a glass of semi sweet white next to me reading this book on just who i really am for hours. I gave it some thought today and i honestly wonder what makes me tick, like i know my current likes and dislikes, what i want and dont want, what i can and cant do at this very moment but what is it really that i want out of this here life and what can i really do as me, myself, this here being.
What really makes me dislike one thing yet love another? What makes me think this is right and that wrong? What tickles my fancy and what turns me off? Why am i deathly afraid of rats yet i when faced with throwing a brick at homies head i faulter? What makes me like one person but get repulsed by another? What can i really do? What do i think i can do and what can i not do that i think i can?
I drew up a huge list of questions and really these are things that are inside my manual but i unfortunately cant access it as hard as i may try, its all about pressing buttons and hoping that somehow i get the right sequence or at least not cause permanent damage to my mainframe, somehow i need to know how to configure my ECU.
The only problem with getting profound on the John is the possible contraction of piles, im still so very scared of piles so I'll end this here...
If it were in any way possible i would forfeit a night of dreaming just so i could sit inside my subconscious and read my owners manual. I cant just picture myself sitting inside my head on a big red leather wingback chair, in a tweed suit with a glass of semi sweet white next to me reading this book on just who i really am for hours. I gave it some thought today and i honestly wonder what makes me tick, like i know my current likes and dislikes, what i want and dont want, what i can and cant do at this very moment but what is it really that i want out of this here life and what can i really do as me, myself, this here being.
What really makes me dislike one thing yet love another? What makes me think this is right and that wrong? What tickles my fancy and what turns me off? Why am i deathly afraid of rats yet i when faced with throwing a brick at homies head i faulter? What makes me like one person but get repulsed by another? What can i really do? What do i think i can do and what can i not do that i think i can?
I drew up a huge list of questions and really these are things that are inside my manual but i unfortunately cant access it as hard as i may try, its all about pressing buttons and hoping that somehow i get the right sequence or at least not cause permanent damage to my mainframe, somehow i need to know how to configure my ECU.
The only problem with getting profound on the John is the possible contraction of piles, im still so very scared of piles so I'll end this here...
Sunday, September 5, 2010
You threw away my toast, WHAT?
One of the hardest things about a post in my eyes is giving it a name that has something to do with something contained inside but at the same time it must be something that has some other connection to something else
Today was a good day. I didnt expect much to happen, I just expected a normal sundays proceeding but the day had something else planned. I was speaking to Kirby last night and she'd come up with the idea of me making an appearance as some sort of surprise and I thought that was really sweet but there was no way in hell I was gonna make such an effort on a sunday, the day of rest? It seems though that the planets aligned and one thing led to another and I had this golden path laid before me and I would've been foolish not to walk it.
I saw my Gem and her very special friend, was nice even though making toast seems to be the most foreign thing to them...
Today was a good day. I didnt expect much to happen, I just expected a normal sundays proceeding but the day had something else planned. I was speaking to Kirby last night and she'd come up with the idea of me making an appearance as some sort of surprise and I thought that was really sweet but there was no way in hell I was gonna make such an effort on a sunday, the day of rest? It seems though that the planets aligned and one thing led to another and I had this golden path laid before me and I would've been foolish not to walk it.
I saw my Gem and her very special friend, was nice even though making toast seems to be the most foreign thing to them...
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