Frustration Station

One of the saddest moments is realising you don't like someone the way you once used to. You look at them and just feel nothing where there used to be something and that kind of makes me feel a little sad.

I know this feeling all too well. I have this fault, I think it's just me being a guy with a short attention span, but I tend to be into someone for a while and then after a bit I just fizzle out. Today I was sitting on a bench at school and watching people mill about and there was this pretty young thing that caught my eye. She's been the object of my affection for a few weeks now and it's been a cloak and dagger kind of affair and it has left me unbelievably frustrated at times. I think I'm still adjusting to the whole thing of having competition when vying for someone's affections. Okay, I've always had competition, I'm not bothered with that at all. If anything, I relish a bit of tug o' war. What's been plaguing my mind though is that I'm basically dealing with a mirror image in terms of openness and that makes me want to shoot myself in the foot. If I had to have a thing with myself, I'd know exactly what's going through my own mind but I'd be so frustrated because I wouldn't be letting it on to myself, makes sense? Honestly, nothing grinds my gears more than dealing with a girl who tries to be a closed book. I'm a closed book, end of story. I'll be open enough to a point and then BAM, shut. I'm basically the equivalent of the preview of another book in the series that you get at the end of some books. I know I'm being very hypocritical here. Haha I'm actually being very silly but it is something I'm learning to work on everyday, with the right set of people, but still. Basically, I know what's behind her closed doors but it sometimes frustrates me because she just wont flipping say it. Anyway, when I looked at her today, looking all manners of good, flip I'm still having heart palpitations just thinking about that rear end, I realised that I either don't feel for her like I once thought I did or I'm in a lot of trouble.

I'm not seeking anything further than casual relations. I don't even have a proper eye set on anyone right now. I'm flowing free with affection and basically bringing cheer and great tidings to anyone I see fit. Obviously there must be certain criteria. Move my mind and stir up my soul and I promise I'll be yours for as long as you want, or till the feeling wears off. I've had a string of lesser paramores in the past and I think I owe it to myself to have a bit of something stirred up inside me. I want to be challenged on every level till I feel as if I'm about to fall off the bend. Once you do that, I can basically guarantee my undying affections for you.
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Strange Wknd

Wow, what a weekend. I think this was probably one of the weirdest ones I've had in a loooong time.

Friday night I was at work, Jack fokken Parow was playing and I'm yet to see a cooler person, ever. When I walk into work I generally see the other artists warming up and usually it's like, "eehhhh". The most excited I've been is when Zebra and Giraffe are playing and that usually just ends with me smiling and then going off to find a lovely companion. When Jack was doing sound check, Tyler and I were literally beaming like two lighthouse bulbs. I can't explain just how much presence the guy has. He had women eating their own hair and guys chugging brandy like it was water in a desert. I was well impressed.

But here's what got me about friday. I'm busy serving customers whatever, working the shooter bar like a flipping god, and this guy comes up to me. He says to me, "I want to invite you to my house party. I'd really dig it if you came." So I was like okay cool, where and when is it and he says, "It's in June, in Mozambique. Do you have a passport? How quickly can you get a passport?" So then I was like ehhh I'll have to think it over and what not, and then a whole flurry of customers came so he disappeared for a while. Anyway, later in the evening he comes back and says, "I really think you're a great guy and I want you to come work for me at my house party. I'll pay you R500." I turned to him and said when is it and he goes, "Fuck that, don't worry about that man, I'm gonna give you R250, guaranteed pussy and a good time. Don't worry about that. I told all my friends about you and they want to meet you man." By now I'm kinda looking at this character with a shady eye. Not only does he think I'm gonna ship up to Mozam, he wants me to do it for even less money than before. I don't struggle with pussy or a good time, your argument isn't strong here buddy. Near the end of the night he comes up to me and my work mate Dean and says to Dean, "Tell this guy about my band. I've told all my friends about him and we want him to come kick it with us." Now I'm thinking maybe Dean knows this character so after he left I asked Dean about him and Dean was like, "I don't know who the hell that is."

Saturday night. We all shaped ourselves up and shipped out to Origin. I haven't had a proper night out in ages. The last club I went to was Rocca a while back and in my honest opinion, it was a good night considering how shit it actually was. I digged going out with the mates but in all honesty, it wasn't at all what I was expecting. I was pretty keen to be going out. With all of our friends suddenly getting girlfriends and all that, Ben and I were saying how long it had been since we actually saw girls and we out there. I basically spend most of my time working and if not then we're all together playing Ping Pong and stroking bizzles, that's not conducive to meeting girls. The last time I hooked up with someone was in February I think, the last time I went to Origin. The last time Ben hooked up with someone was just before dinosaurs were wiped out so it was high time we broke our duck. I can't say I remember much of what happened at Origin. When I got there I was already on form, somewhere in between I lost all my memory and then next thing we were home. I'm still getting stories filtering from what happened that night. Looking at my phone the next morning basically cemented the fact that I was not of this dimension. I broke my duck, shattered and now I never want to go out ever again. I think this is what people always go on about when they talk about what I get up to on weekends. Everyone says I'm such a rowdy character, and honestly they really sell the legend but I didn't think I'd ever actually live up to all of it. I refuse to even go into detail about what happened that night, I'm much too afraid to even think about it or admit it to myself but ahhhhh.

I think I'm gonna hide away from the world for a few months. After Smoking Dragon, I'd thought I'd learnt my lesson but clearly not. If anyone needs me, I'll be sitting in my cave until they make a way for terrible judgments and alcohol not to mix.
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Tuxedos - CWK

I got the new Cold War Kids album today. I've been having a CWK binge these past few days and this came at just the right time.

I haven't listened to it properly yet. I've heard it once over just to get it out there but I'm finally actually listening to it. I've been stuck on Tuxedos for the past hour or so. Flip, I can't do this song any justice. It paints such a vivid image in my head. It literally sits heavy in my soul and just speaks with loud words, words that carry immense gravity. From my interpretation of it, it sounds like a man that has come to realise that he was the reason of his own demise. The failure of his ventures is put down to his actions. When I listen to it, I think of a man sitting at a table, probably at a wedding, after everyone has left and only the signs of a party that has ended are all that's left. Bottle of whiskey in tow, he sits and reflects on what he's lost. The last verse sounds as if he's finally reached his breaking point. He's just like, "This is it, I've got to let it all out."

This is the first song that has captivated me completely in ages. It's brilliant...

I think about eyes that watch you.
I think about changes I've made.
I think about all this fancy food going down the drain.
I spend a lot of time by myself,
Imagining great speeches I'd make
To crowds of people; how can I help?
But what would I say?

When will I find, when will I find someone to take?
Or did I find and not realize, I was the fake.

I love to be a stranger at a wedding.
Cause tuxedos don't discriminate
A perfect disguise, so be cool and fill up your plate.

When will I find, when will I find someone to take?
Or did I find and not realize, I was the fake.
When will I find, when will I find someone to take?
For the millionth time, for the millionth time I was the fake.
I was the fake, I was to blame.

I think about eyes that watch you.
I think about changes I've made.
I think about all this fancy food
Going down the drain, down the drain, down the drain
Going down the drain, down the drain, down the drain
Going down the drain, the drain, the drain, the drain, the drain
Going down the drain
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Qwertyuiop

I've found myself listening to a lot of Ben Howard today. It's making me feel like wearing a flannel shirt and cardigan whilst sitting by the fire with my Vanilla Latte With Espresso On The Side drinking wife, me reading my tweets with our dog at my feet and she, staring out the window. Both of us sitting in comfortable silence. God is in his heaven.

My day has been a bit topsy turvey. The power was out last night in Hillcrest so I was in bed earlier than usual but with candle and book in tow. I stumbled across Anthony Kiedies' Scar Tissue in the bathroom cabinet as I was taking a dump. I started reading the book a few months ago and was in deep, up to my elbows. I started up from where I was and I just couldn't stop reading. I lay in bed reading from about half 9 till after the power came back at about 2am. I figured I should try get some sleep, seeing as I had to be up at about 7. I woke up as normal, got shower fresh and ready and that's when I realised that I had the day off. The joys about my little institution is that we follow a strange term plan and we had our mid term. So anyway, I was speaking to the Face and we'd decided to meet up after her exam.

When the time came, I was a little preoccupied. I decided to go looking for some books to read. I haven't been reading half as much as I should be. I think I've read like 2 and a half books so far this year which is just disgusting. With the new sort of, "stock" of intellectuals I'm often cavorting with, I need to keep my game sharp and I feel like I'm slacking badly in the literature department. So anyway, I got caught up in the Biographies section as is always the case and I was faced with some new Clarkson I haven't read. Long story short, I haven't stopped laughing from about the first paragraph. I love the way Jeremy Clarkson sees things. He says things in a roundabout way. He'll start off with a story that is more of a personal account or retelling and then somehow along the line, it links up with the thing he's writing about. I love that. I love the way he writes and the liberties he takes in his writing. I've always said that if I could even put down a thought half as well as he could, I'd be set for life.

I've got an early morning to get ready for. A long day with lots of blood, sweat and tears. Throw in a coffee I need to catch up on and some more reading and I'll be set, right?
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Tin (The Manhole) - Everything Everything.

I'll be the fox by the road I am, enormous and evolved. A predatory mass, in the dark I am unseen
Me dripping oil from my tail and me, eyes are through the fumes; yellow as the arc of imagined LEDs

I leave a path in the snow little, rainbow diesel paws, I devour the smoke that erupts from all exhaust
I make a dash for the median, there's a banshee searing past, everything is light and it's noise and I reach the grass

My eyes are wide and my teeth dropping, straight out of my skull, they clatter on the road anatomically displayed
I am as lithe as a vine as I, whisper up the verge, I am almost up to the shoulders of a horse

Little sea anemone, pool of rocks, why'd you see, an enemy I cannot? Could there be, a more heavenly artifact? As pure as that?

I sleep a while in the dark of a, warehouse by the sea, I am now as giant as the sun I used to love
My limbs are shoots springing forth I am, impossible and black, and I can feel the gravity rushing into me

I feel a pull on my fur and a, hundred tiny hands, I can feel the men and the women clamber on
They will embrace me tonight as a, a father and a son

I will carry homo-sapiens through the night

I can not imagine the things they did to you

I can not imagine the way it feels for you

I can feel the gravity rushing into me

I am but a hole in the fabric of the scene

I was but a drop in the ocean all along
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Relationships aren't thaaaat bad.

Relationships aren't thaaaat bad. I know this is a probably a shock to everyone, myself included, but I just realised that they're not as bad as I make them out to be. It's okay though, I've Googled my symptoms and it turns out I have a rare case of cancerous ebola so I can say this and not have to worry about any judgment, the disease makes you say weird things like this.

All it takes is a change in outlook and you're set on your way. Obviously it is a little difficult to try forge something new with someone, especially if they haven't had a similar relationship history to you, which is often the case, but once you get over that, anything could happen. I was just thinking about how people tend to take relationships so flipping seriously. They look at them like they're a promise to marriage. They aren't. Only once a proposal to marriage has been made, does your little liaison become something more than just a promise to not hook up with other people. They think that you've gotta get everyone involved in your little romantic circle. Some think it isn't a proper relationship if your family and friends aren't involved and I personally think that's both true and false. I think that it's not exactly too important to involve everyone in your business, majority of the time your friends and family wont give a crap, especially when you're still young. Obviously if you guys become serious, like 5 years on the same grind, in my eyes, then it makes sense to open the doors to everyone. I have nothing against meeting a girl's parents, I really don't. If they're cool then we'll get along like a house on fire, I'm an old soul and I can usually get on with the ballie crowd but if things seem forced then nein, hasta la bonyana baby.

For me to introduce a fem to my family would take quite a bit. The thing is though my family isn't often in the places I frequent. I'm always more than an hour away from where they are and so making arrangements to meet up is a schlep. Also, I would hate to have to introduce someone new to my family and then have things go south and have them ask me about this person that doesn't exist in my world anymore. I once had a girlfriend I told my parents things about and they still sometimes ask me about her and I just cringe and bear it, it's my own fault. After a while and if things get really serious with someone then I have nothing against bringing them into my two tonne circle of fun.

But what got me thinking this way and writing this post is that I find it so weird how someone can help change the way you view things. Over the last couple of months I've been Anti-Union. I've bashed at the doors and bombed the offices of the match makers. I was a one man grounding crew on everything that is "love". I still find it unbelievably cheesey and sickening when I see a couple post about their lives on social networks and I still do find most things about relationships to be faulty. Like,why must I always dote to your every single need like some kind of flight puppet. Do you know that there are some guys out there who literally get cussed out by their girlfriends for wanting to hang out with their friends for one night of the weekend? THAT AINT RIGHT! If you want to be my girlfriend, you've got to accept that for a couple of months while we still try to figure this thing out, you're gonna come off second best to my friends. I'm not saying I'll neglect you, baby I'll make you the center of my world, but you've got to accept that I have a life outside of you. And that's what people need to understand. Your relationship isn't going to work if there is nothing going on in your lives besides it. Go out with your friends, get a job, have some ambitions in life dammit! There is more to my life than you, and I sure hope to God that there's more in yours than me because if there isn't then I'm only going to hurt you baby and truth be told, I'll be too busy to even notice..
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My Last Note.

I wrote a tweet in reply to something Kelly had said. She tweeted saying, "When was the last time you were on a rollercoaster?". Being the wise cracking kind of arse I am, I said "The last time I was in a relationship." After I wrote that, I kind of saw how that could be taken in various ways, I can that I may have overstepped a line somewhere along the way.

I harbour no hard feelings towards my ex, in fact, I hold her in high regard for all we went through. I wasn't making a dig at her or anything, just at the way relationships go. They are a rollercoaster though and no one can say otherwise. There are extreme highs, insane lows and a whirlwind, toilet bowl flushing effect in the middle. They aren't for the faint hearted or those that have a weak stomach. I actually wish I had an iron stomach so I could ride that rollercoaster again. I look at people who can just jump from one relationship to another without even blinking an eye and I envy them. What happened to the Msizi that would just saunter out of a relationship like it was an after thought. What happened to the Msizi that would break up with you using a set of song lyrics? Where did the Msizi go that would drunkenly call you after hooking up with a girl and then tell you to figure out the status of the relationship from the gist of the conversation? He died somewhere along a year or two ago. At the moment, I'm sitting in the company of those that just came off the ride with wobbly legs, we're getting some smoothies to calm our frayed nerves, it's nice.

Kayleigh told me to seek closure the other day, she actually told me to seek closure many times over. She said it so many times in the space of one week that I swear we only spoke just for her to tell me to do that. She had a point. I saw the need to do what she was saying. I wasn't in the greatest space for a few weeks. I was the ultimate killer of dreams and hopes of anyone who even dared to come near me. All around me people were entering these lovely joyous unions, many of them suddenly stumbling upon these hidden treasures, these gems and here I was, still working with the emptiness of the once off meeting. I was finding it a little difficult to cope with all of this, I did need closure. Kayleigh wanted me to go to Emma and talk to her. She said I needed to get everything out of my system. She said I needed to know why it all went the way it did. She said I needed to be set loose from the past so that I could see a way forward. I never did what Kayleigh said. I did all my talking, the ex is aware of this and I finally reached a point where I looked back and kind of kicked myself in the head for all of it. I finally found my peaceful oasis in the storm that was me, and from there, that's how I finally got to where I am today.

I told myself that after six months, everything would be out my system. I'm never wrong. But the point of this post isn't really about all this. On my way home today, I was sitting, thinking of all the things I missed about my ex. The series of tweets had me thinking and I didn't want it to go down like the many other things I've said that have been left unexplained. I don't miss her in that kind of way anymore. I don't feel a tight knot in my stomach when I think of her, I thought I would but it seems to have been unraveled. I don't think of the days we had as something that I would welcome back at the blink of an eye. I'm not about that life anymore. But I do miss the bint. I miss her in a way that I miss my headphones when I'm away from home for a long time. I miss her like how I miss the feel of my keyboard when I write out notes by hand. I miss her in the way I miss my favourite pair of jeans after they've been in the wash for a week. I miss her in a fond, platonic way. It's like the warm feeling you get after a lovely cup of coffee or playing with puppies at a shelter, it feels good and it promotes healing in the long run. I learnt a lot when I was with the bint. I grew up a lot when I was with the bint. I finally felt when I was with the bint. I miss the way I'd tell her things that I couldn't tell anyone else because her opinion, or lack thereof, was all the prod I needed in decisions. I miss the friend, after all she did start off as my favourite person. I'm sure I had a list longer than this but sometimes less is more.

Anyway, I've lost my train of thought now. I cant multi- task. Replying to messages and trying to keep thoughts in a line is sometimes hard for me when they're not of the same persuasion. It was good while it lasted. In the words of a wise friend, "Twas heaven here with you."
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The Phantom Horse woman - Thomas Hardy

Queer are the ways of a man I know:
He comes and stands
In a careworn craze,
And looks at the sands
In the seaward haze
With moveless hands
And face and gaze,
Then turns to go…
And what does he see when he gazes so?

They say he sees as an instant thing
More clear than today,
A sweet soft scene
That once was in play
By that briny green;
Yes, notes alway
Warm, real, and keen,
What his back years bring-
A phantom of his own figuring.

Of this vision of his they might say more:
Not only there
Does he see this sight,
But everywhere
In his brain-day, night,
As if on the air
It were drawn rose bright-
Yea, far from that shore
Does he carry this vision of heretofore:

A ghost-girl-rider. And though, toil-tried,
He withers daily,
Time touches her not,
But she still rides gaily
In his rapt thought
On that shagged and shaly
Atlantic spot,
And as when first eyed
Draws rein and sings to the swing of the tide.
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I don't do requests.

She told me to write her a post last night and I said no. After a few too many red wines and open conversation, she made the request and my better judgement said to decline. I didn't decline because I didn't know what to say. I know what to say. I have a lot to say. I have so much to say that I could start up a whole new blog that would carry on until after the nuclear apocalypse and thrive, till I became reborn as a mutant King Hawk. Basically, I said no because I just don't want to face up to all that. Once something becomes posted on this blog, it stays there forever. I will always have to read over it every time I come visit. I've posted things on here that make me cringe with what was said and the memories they bring back. It's on the internet so many people can see what I think and feel. I don't regret it, but I wouldn't have written most of them if I was of a sound mind at the time. It would basically give her everything she needs and leave me feeling like I'd just gone and left my wickets wide open. It's funny because once you start dealing with someone who makes the same moves you do, who thinks the way you do, who basically is you without the boyish good looks, you tend to be a lot more weary. I would think that if I found my female counter part, I'd grab her up quick fast and together we'd go about laying waste to all that we found faulted. Right now though, and I know I'm speaking way ahead of myself when I say this, but we're still trying to find a way to stay at arm's length from all of that. Everything I've said is basically just what the 'ideal' situation would be like. I've never been lucky enough to be in anything even considered to be ideal before, with anyone, and I doubt that this is about to be any different. I've taken a few knocks and gotten my stride back and she's still stumbling but on a fast track to recovery. When that time comes and if I'm still there, I'll be ready to take on the inevitabilities, hopefully in my stride.

2011

I'm going through my blog and reading through 2011. I think that was my best year as a blogger. I started off in a relationship, dealt through some really harsh things, broke up with the GF and then became the wise old owl. If I can advise anyone reading this, go read through the year of 2011 again.

I attacked the keyboard like a starved Ethiopian seeing a left over KFC packet. The amount of funny kak I wrote back then is immeasurable. I'm in deep hysterics over what I said. I remember every single moment that I've written of, as if they happened just yesterday. My favourite post right now has to be the one about the elements. I wrote that one about my two current exes, one being Fire and the other being Ice. The way I strung together those comparisons still blows my mind. I love how I got it all spot on and what makes me laugh is that I can still relate to that right now, albeit in a different way. Haha I feel a ripe flapjack when I read some of those things though. Some of them really embarrass me but I'm glad I wrote them. Back then I didn't care about who was reading what, and what was being said. I only cared about not writing something that would come back to bite me in the middle of the face the next time I saw my Governing Officer.

Right now I'm at that point again. I've fallen deeply in love with my blog again. I love writing rubbish that's on my mind. I love the rubbish on my mind again. I came across a tweet by the ex about some boyfriend and you know what, it didn't hurt at all. Admittedly it was a bit of a jolt but let's not kid ourselves here, the ones that live off others will never be without their approval. I was happy for her. I even said, "Good on you, it was about time." and then I went off and danced around to some Ellie in my shorts.

My smiles come from ear to ear. I've found my game and although it's been played before, it's a whole different ball game to what came before. Gone are the cupboards and additional Player 2's. Now I'm the one saying the words and I'll be damned if I'm admitting to things like that again.
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Art Fag.

I need a new Art Fag in my life. I haven't gotten rid of the old one or anything, it's just that he's now Cape side and until I either make strides that side or he comes back to rejoin the Durban world, I'm left with a gap in that position.

I have friends to discuss Football with, boobs, babes, money and politics but I don't have a music one. We do chat about music, as what most people often do but that's all it really is, just chatting. I want to discuss. Brando and I would often discuss the world of the muzisians. I would stumble over to his' and he'd have something new for me to listen to, or I'd come across something and tell him to look up a certain someone. It worked for me. Now that the little skipper has left, I'm kinda floundering.

I spend so many hours listening to music that it's kind of hard not to want to tell the next person I see just how great that one song by Everything Everything is sounding and just how much of a legend the guitarist from Fruit and Veggies is. Like, I know I can still speak to the bloke over the telecoms but it isn't the same as a face to face conversation. The last big chat we had before he left was at one of Tyler's house get togethers. We drank wine and spoke about everything, from music to the end of the sun.

I've tried to delve into musical engagements with people but to no avail. I even let loose on a little munchkin by giving her my iPod just so I could share something with someone and get all of this pent up musical knowledge and exposure out of my system. I've met some people with some startlingly good taste, Kelly standing heads and shoulders above the rest like she were carved from the same grain of Mount Everest. I need to find a temporary companion who knows what the sound of something good is like. Preferably female though, they're generally much better to look at.
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Knobby Knees

I'm in a bit of a bad place. I'm struggling to come to terms with this and I don't know how I'll survive this one. Ask anyone what my favourite body part on me is and they'll tell you, without even the slightest bit of hesitation, that it's my knees.

I stumbled across the allure of my knees a few years ago. You see, I used to be a fat bint in my younger days. I used to basically have meat slabs for leg joints. I didn't even know I had knees till about 2009. They just didn't exist. Thankfully though things changed. I looked in the mirror one day and I have these knobkerrie heads just above my shins and they seemed to invite my eyes over for coffee, and it was love from then on. One of my favourite sensations is putting on a clean pair of freshly ironed black skinnies. I love how they slide up my legs, I love how they hug my calves and I absolutely adore the look and feel of them around my knees. It's the one thing that makes me feel, for lack of a better word, 'sexy'. So what I'm about to say now is probably going to highlight why I'm so down.

As of late, my knee has been giving me issues. It's the one on the left, the one I often look at the most. I can't have it bent, which means I can't run, sit for long periods, lie comfortably or even enjoy the perks of carrying a lovely lady. I'm literally a semi-cripple. It bothers me shitless because I'm basically useless without the use of my legs. It's gotten to the point where I'm probably going to have to amputate it just to teach it a lesson. I've told it to shape up over the last week and even though it's listened to a point, it hasn't fixed itself completely so I have no choice but to punish it. It makes me sad to think that I won't be able to marvel at it anymore but it's all for the greater good.


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A Recap

Today was one of those days where I woke up and the world was just going to get me full force. My previous post about politics came out of a place I don't even know of. I was so angry in the flash on an eye just thinking of the state of the world as a whole, so i unleashed. It was weird. I was sat on my way to school, thinking innocent thoughts and then all of a beeswax I started thinking about politics and I just had to get my phone out and write all my thoughts down before they left me. I have this thing where I come up with the world's greatest posts in the car and I always tell myself to remember then for when i get to a computer but by then they've left my mind, hovering around like thin tendrils of mist. No matter how much I try to recall what I was thinking, it just never works.

I got to school, deep in thought and still finishing off my post. I walked in, mumbled half a hello to Staceface and carried on. The way I treat her sometimes really isn't great at all. You'd swear after all this time that I'd be more visibly excited and more convincing when it comes to being amped to see her but alas, old habits die young. I get a morning full of abuse from her every day and I still haven't learned. I need to stop or else she's gonna clock me soon. Anyway, I moved from her because that wasn't going to work for me right there and then and I walked straight into the grasps of Mr. Pandy. I can honestly say that when it comes to people I find mentally stimulating, he's high up there in my list. The man seems to have done it all. From being a magistrate to working on his own screenplay and then becoming an integral part of thousands of South African kids' education, the man has done it all. We got into the subject of politics and he made some points that got me thinking clearer, more Msiziesque thoughts. We have to be part of the solution, we have no other choice.

For a day that started with me feeling like I did, it's ended with me feeling pretty good. I'm listening to the new Fall Out Boy single, I'm writing free flowing thoughts and I've got a couple of weeks of some intense missions up ahead. It's all coming right and I'm loving it. I was walking to the garage in Hillcrest to draw some money, listening to music and I couldn't help feeling so happy with life. I was listening to Milk and Black Spiders by Foals and people were milling about on their journeys and I didn't hear or even take notice of a single one of them. There was a pretty lady to look at in the shop and the lady behind the till was nice to me, I had something to smile about. I love how a good conversation with someone can change so many things. I had some thoughts thrown at me by Michaela earlier in the day, I think they're the ones that changed me up but that's another post for another day.
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Let's Make A Difference.

With the way things are going in this country at the moment, it doesn't surprise me when people say that we're close to not making the next 10 years without some civil unrest. When you look at how things are going, it doesn't take much effort for you to see or hear a negative story about this place we call home. Turn on your tv, page through a news paper or trawl the comment boxes of people on Facebook and you'll come across so many different kinds of rubbish that's happening in this country that it makes you regret waking up in the morning. That isn't right.

The current party in power, the ANC, has done just about close to everything it can in terms of butchering its once proud name. You don't have to turn your head far to see another big, fat Provincial MP laughing his way to the bank. The president basically uses more money on himself than his whole entire hometown has ever seen. I doubt the ministers have ever worn the same shoes twice after becoming appointed. It's sad to think that these are apparently the same people that claim to have the country's best interest at heart. I think their best interests are in their stomachs. The people in power claim that they're still concerned about bettering the country. They say that they want to eliminate poverty. They claim that they want to work for a 'better future for all' but all we can see is them having the best future imaginable. The amount of poor people in the country basically doubles every year. The amount of crime that has now become so openly acceptable these days is just another byproduct of this insolence. I've seen people turn a blind to anything from littering, to an actual person having their innocence raped from them. It really bothers me. Do you know what I had for breakfast the other day? I had a friking tomato and a litre of water, a fucking tomato. And they'll say that it's all still part of the struggle but the only struggle I'm seeing is the one your shirt is making to keep your fat lard of a stomach from popping out and drowning a small village in your mountains of tax payer's stolen fat. Their ham chops of wrists are decorated by Rolex watches that I paid for out of my own pocket with the tax they've shaken me upside down and inside out for.

I'm afraid to move to Johannesburg because I know that if I even dare to breathe the air out there, they'll charge me R560 for e-toll per month. How does it possibly make sense to charge people that kind of money when they can't even afford to pay that for education, that's right, it doesn't. It doesn't make sense to me that these people we've blindly put in power, trusted to carry us through from the dark corner that was Apartheid and into the joyous, warm light of the rainbow nation, are the same people that are bending us over furniture and having their way with us.

But leveling the blame only at the ruling party is something we've all been doing and that's something I think is wrong. There are so many opposition parties in the country but none of them are doing anything to actually be what they claim to be, opponents. The only one big enough to get anything close to a majority vote is the DA and they're not doing any better in my eyes. The DA has basically become a niche market player. They've thrown all their focus on Cape Town and kind of conveniently forgotten that the rest of the country even exists. I think they've just decided to capitalize on their strengths and have stuck to the rich whites and unluckily for the rest of us, Cape Town is where they all are. Cape Town runs like clock work. It looks beautiful from every angle. I've heard rumours that there are people who actually come around and clean the streets. THEY HAVE PEOPLE WHO CLEAN THE STREETS! I consider myself lucky if I mistakenly stumble across a rubbish truck pootling along somewhere in the deep shadows of town. I honestly don't get why they're not making any real effort to try and bring out that kind of control and precision over the rest of the country. Now I know people are gonna say, "It's the people. They're too afraid and uneducated. The DA is trying but people are still too naïve and believe that the ANC is the only way to keep the country from descending back into Apartheid." If we already know what the issue is, then why aren't they doing anything about it?

Do us a favour and dispel the fears of the people. Come over to my house, sit in my living room and let's have a chat about how you're not going to make us enter the dark ages of before. In a place like Hillcrest, that I assume is DA owned and run, I've never ever seen a single one of their members even so much as cross the road. Become visible. Absence definitely doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart forget. Stop focusing on being a bit player and actually make a proper effort to make a difference. And this is also the fate of many other opposition parties. They feel overwhelmed by the task at hand and kind of fizzle out without anything happening.

All I want in this country going forwards is to be able to open the newspaper and feel proud of the place I live in. We have such a beautiful country and the possibilities are honestly endless in terms of the greatness we can achieve if we just try and make an effort. I'm not generally one who is bothered by politics but I think it's time that us, as the youth, made out voice be heard. In the ideal South Africa, the word Apartheid would become a thing of the past. Let's not forget what it was, let's not forget what it taught us. Rather, let's move on from it. Let's now focus on making a proper effort of turning this place around and killing this opposite Apartheid we're currently living in. Give the country over to me, I've got a few good ideas that I think the time has come to implement. We're the people that inhabit this place, let's no longer be held for ransom. Let's finally become the change that we all so badly want to see. Let's make an effort.
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Traditional Zulu Wife.

Imagine Msizi Sithole with a traditional Zulu wife. It boggles the mind right. I mean look at me, comb-over hair, black skinny jeans, a command of the english language that boarders on the obscene and a full army of white friends, that's weird.

So then why was it going through my mind on saturday. I went to my aunt's farm on for a traditional ceremony she had going on. Basically, she was being presented to her in-laws. My aunt and uncle have been married for over 25 years but they didn't have this before they got married due to financial constraints, but they decided to do it now and we were all asked to attend as members of the family. She's from my mother's side so I went along, mostly because my mom begged me to, but also as a show of support. Hlokozi, which is where we were, is a very traditional area. The people there basically live in the olden zulu ways. My aunt and uncle left the city a few years back to go and live out there. They've built a nice little homestead that side and they've always wanted me to come visit, so I've checked that off the list. Because this was a big affair, lots of people of the valley were there. When you host an event like this, in a place like that, you've gotta cater for the whole valley showing up so there were mountains of food and lots of mouths to accept it.

Basically the whole family was there. My uncle, my mom's brother, had brought most of his family along with him. They'd started off at my house that morning and he'd brought his daughter along, my cousin, and this other girl who was his niece if I'm not mistaken. Now I know her very well. When I visited them in Port Shepstone a few years ago (When I got Supanova, may his soul rest in piece) her and I hit it off really well. She's basically like the older sister of the family. I think she's a year older than me or so and we got on like a house on fire, we got on so well in fact that we hooked up. Thinking back, I think she was actually my first proper kiss and that's quite something considering I had completely forgotten that till this weekend. We chatted for a tiny bit and then I was called off by my mom to join the rest of the family because things were about to kick off.
There were traditional dances, people in traditional get-up and ladies ululating everywhere. I stuck out like a sore thumb. There was this dance they did where my uncle, with shield and knobkerrie in hand, strutted around between the families - they were split in two with his side on the one side and ours on the other - and he kinda like danced around and basically put on a large show of his manliship and then spotted my aunt pointed her out and she was then to join him as a symbol of their union and such things, it was all romantic stuff that got all the ladies swooning and the men cheering. It was cute.

But anyway, back to the point of all this. After that was all done and everyone was having lunch, I was called off by a cousin of mine to join them. He was standing by a fire, which was so highly needed, and there was my lady of fixation. I stood next to her and we exchanged a few words and then I got distracted by some other people and went off to join them. The whole time while I was speaking to these people, we never broke eye contact. It was an intense sort of stare, one that was both challenging but accepting. What transpired in those eyes I'll never forget. Now I don't know what the hell was going through her brain but I was basically already seeing myself proposing marriage to this woman. She had changed a lot since I last saw her. She looked like the kind of woman who would be deemed a classic zulu wife. She had the beautiful face, the build of someone who could bare some pretty fine children and the kind of demeanor that screamed out that she should be married to a real man. She comes from a very traditional family, I've met them before and I was already too far gone in western ways at the time to make a good impression, I don't think now would be any better. If I were to go and ask for her hand in marriage, I'm pretty sure they'd laugh at me like I was some kind of child, I'm sure she would too.

I'm so removed from that way of life that the thought of me ever having a traditional wife scares me. I'd be so lost. Having a wife is scary enough, but marrying someone who is much deeper into cultural ways than I am freaks me out. I have nothing against tradition and culture, I wish I knew more about it, but I am of a different breed. I have grown up in the age where we as young black people have built our own culture and it has some points that the elder generation disagree with quite a bit but it's what I've known all my life. If I were to have a traditional wife, she'd definitely be it. I'd wife the life out of her like it was my only goal in life. We'd have two wonderful kids and they'd have traditional names like Ntombenhle and Mvuselelo. We'd do it all proper. I would pay a very high price for lobola. I'd have to have my uncles open up negotiations with her family and then pay through my eye teeth for their daughter. We would have a traditional weddings for our families and then a normal western one for the common folk. She'd stay at home and I would provide for her. She would become a large part of my family, taking my mother as her own. She would be my traditional zulu wife. But alas that's not how it'll ever go and part of me is kind of sad. Part of me was happy in that moment when our eyes were locked and the jostling match we had. Part of me was happy in the dream of settling down but reality dictates otherwise. In reality, Ideally I'll settle with a white woman who will bear me a son which we shall call Mikel and a daughter that shall be named Ferne. What is more than likely going to happen though is that I'm going to stay single for the rest of my life, living as a bachelor, maybe with a long term girlfriend and forever being my own person. This doesn't make me unhappy or anything, it's what I've always wanted and still want, but part of me will always wonder what it would be like to be a traditional Zulu husband...

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