Ah I haven't been here in a while. Ok I have but I haven't had anything to say. Ok I've had a lot to say, I just haven't had the right words to say it and I doubt these ones will do any justice either.
Well I guess the last coupla weeks have been a bit of a low. Still here wrestling with this school issue, the place has been found, its just having to work through all the placement issues and stuff. I've been to about a billion places in the last coupla weeks, all saying one thing and thats a big huge no, it gets annoying after a while.
And then there was the issue with the girlfriend and I. Ah now that was a weird sorta situation. I guess I should explain, if not for her than for myself. I've been keeping this whole school dilemma pegged down cuz all these negative thoughts kinda do no good and so I've been irritable lately and saturday I get what I felt was a bombardment on many fronts over something I knew nothing about and the characters of the people I choose to spend time with and things were said and I said a few things that weren't nice and it was a bit of a shock and it got me thinking, am I really the sorta guy thats needed if I say things that shock and Im not there sometimes when I should be and all these thoughts of just self doubtin was a bit much and yes I was being a huge baby and I was just annoyed but I decided that instead of turning something good into somethin toxic, why not cut ties and let it not get to that, let it end on a good note.
I've always said I want to break a girls heart and sure I still do, I will do it but no not that one, no thank you. Like during the whole cutting of ties thing I was busy thinking what the hell am I doing, why am I doing this, why'd I even say something, I could've just let it slip and none of this would be happening, wtfudge. But you cant really be like "ah I was just joking, I was only punking you", not when there're tears involved. You try be unaffected by the human voice when its in despair, ah it does terrible things to the soul. And like after it had been said and done I kinda just sat there thinking what the hell? I've only ever had a few what the hell moments, those times where you just cannot believe that something just happened and its kinda surreal and very dream like and you kinda question if you're awake or dreaming and that there was one of them moments.
I only had 4 hours sleep that night. Haha I woke up sunday and walkin past the mirror I was like 'Hey fekking eejit, you sleep well last night hmmm?'. Had it been a race weekend then lord knows how the brain would've been that morning, it would've helped no doubt but its good that it wasn't.
It was inevitable that I'd want to make right my mistake. Haha ah I thought about the many people I've put down for doing what I was about to do and I still maintain that its stupid, but now I know that there is a difference. My reasoning is that if either one of us had been unfaithful and it had led up to the split then there are no second chances about it, east and stay there but on this account, because it was me and because it was my stupidity then I think its all dandy. In fact it doesn't count as a split, its just a hiatus. A split is definate, a hiatus is a breather with intent to resume later.
Needless to say things have been patched up, it was a long ten hours and I've learnt a thing or two about my brain. Haha a dear eejit friend of mine implied I was weak but ah if only he knew my thought process at the time, I think he himself would be my friend again. In the immortal words of Weezy, "Life's a fxxkin rollercoaster then it drops. But what should I scream for, this is my theme park". Those words pretty much sum up everything. Well thats my story that I haven't been quite amped on talkin about but it makes sense to cuz this is my writing portal and now its been logged as another of my thoughts, embarrassing is my stupidity, being somethin I'll never do again but it helps one learn.
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