This Came Out At 5.

It's 4:20 am. Here I sit, not asleep. The house is dead quiet except for the sounds of my fingers on these keys.

Just came from another shift at Live. Well we got in at about 3am but I've been sat here, mind as mush and limbs like soggy noodles, unable to get myself in a state where sleep would finally wash over me. I think it may be the litre of energy drinks I had at work coming back to haunt me. In hindsight, that wasn't the smartest of moves on my behalf but I definitely needed to pick up my energy levels or I would've shrunk deep into myself and been completely useless.

I haven't blogged in a while. I've pushed out drivel and such, for the sake of keeping this thing active but I haven't done a blog. By blog, I mean a brief summary of what's been going on in my days. Actually, maybe I have. I can't really say if I'm making much sense or not, I just feel like I haven't been very honest and open lately.

But ya, what's been happening with Msizi these past couple of weeks. Well, to begin with, I think I've finally found what I want to do. This year has been a topsy turvy year for me. 2014 has not gone as I envisioned. I came into it thinking I knew myself and what I wanted to do with my days but as the year progressed, I realized that I actually had no idea what I was doing. It feels like for large parts of the year, I was flying blind with no direction, no purpose. I was just a bystander on this roller coaster I call my life. I've had to come to terms with a few things, my commitment phobia being one of them. If there's one thing I can say about myself, it's that I fear commitment. I don't know why. I just struggle to commit to something fully. I don't even know if I'll commit to finishing this post. It's gotten to the point where I've started to drive myself insane. It really isn't that hard to start something and see it through. It's not that I can't. I know I can. I know I have it in me to do anything I set my mind to. I could set fire to the ocean if I really wanted to and was willing to just focus. It's just that I'm very impatient and it is a disgusting trait to have and let rule me. I've been working on it and aim to do so, to keep it in check for as long as I possibly can.

I was speaking to a friend the other day, Rogan. He said something to me that has stuck with me and has been the driving force behind me getting my head out my arse and moving forwards. He asked me what I enjoyed doing. No, he asked me what it was that I really enjoyed doing. Something that brings me joy in it's purest form. Something that puts a smile on my face and lifts me, putting me on the highest crest of a wave of endorphins. I told him what I really enjoyed doing was writing and his answer to that was so simple and concise, it rang through my whole being. He said, "Then write. Just write as much as you can." I don't know why it was so hectic but it honestly felt like I was hearing those words for the first time. It felt like good to have someone ask me that and then be so honest with their response. I don't know why but it felt like if I didn't heed what he was saying, I would be cheating myself out of a golden opportunity. I would be cheating myself out of happiness.

I've been brushing up on my writing. I've been investing time in reading books. I've been writing in my Black Book. I've been sniffing at dictionaries like a pig looking for truffles. Basically, I've been doing everything I possibly can to help me write. It's gotten to a point where I've decided that maybe it's time I took the idea of moving on out this city seriously. I obviously don't think that leaving Durban would make me any better at this, for all I know it could make things worse but I feel like I've exhausted the adventures I could have within these four walls and it's time I ventured off and saw what else this country has to offer. I've had the feeling of living in a stagnant state for far too long. I've seen the social circles, I've been to all the places, I've done all there is to do. For a very long time I felt like this was it. Now I think it's time I got my head straight and fluff out my wings a bit.

Another thing that has inspired me to rein myself in and get going is Sharice. I've seen the girl go from being an actual limpet on the side of Tyler and become her own person. She's done so well for herself in becoming her own person that I cannot contain the pride I feel when I think of her. From someone who didn't even know what she was going to do with herself a year ago, she's turned around and started following her passion and is now living a life that is paid for by it. I think that's wonderful. She left her comfort zone, stuck through it and has come out on the other side smelling like roses. I know if I put all of this potential to use, I could also do something similar.

I've made a promise to myself that it's time to get serious with what I love. It's time to put all my time and devotion into making myself a better person, someone I can look on in the late hours and be proud of. It's a promise I intend on keeping and putting it up here, all of this, was really more of a reminder than anything. I don't know why but there's something about having things written on here that makes them seem so final to me.

Black Books #1

Living on a pack a day, yellow you tarnish. You feel there's justice in the things you say but you're speaking in silence.

Alone he left you, abrupt. After you poured out your soul. The dam burst from your chest. It's not fair. You feel like no one should see you like this but there he is, a mix of cool and uncouth, teetering between fight or flight. He's not said anything new. His words have all come before. He's not done what he should, he's barely opened up his doors. And yet he expects you to breathe out all you hold dear. All you have. All you are. All you'll ever be.

It's not fair. It's not right. It's not normal. It's not kosher. Who is this fiend that slips through the night, knocking over your jars, barely apologising as he slips through your fingers once more? Who is this that wants to hold you in the open palm of his hand but not promising it won't turn into a cleched fist? Who is he and why does he fascinate your mind and why does he take up all your time.

Stop All That Coon Ish.

We live in a funny world.

Today, a normal Sunday in suburbia, a black boy found himself shifting uncomfortably on his couch with latent rage and contempt for those of his own kind.

Today, I was pissed off.

I was on Twitter, getting these fire flame tweets out about F1 and general nonsensical rubbish I tend to tweet about and I came across a few pictures from HCP. HCP is this thing that was held in Joburg called Homecoming Picnic. Basically, from my understanding, it's just a gigantic piss up for the local natives. Now I know you're thinking,  "Well why are you angry Msizi? I mean, you hate Joburg and weren't even there so why does it bother you?"

Well, what bothers me is this. There was a picture of some girl who had passed out on the ground from either drinking too much or mixing up her uppers and downers, I don't know, but people were literally dragging her through the proverbial mud with their comments. Someone went as far as to find a picture of her when she was still fine and functional and made a before and after type deal. Ok, I understand it's funny and what not if you're there at the time and all but to go as far as expose her like that on social media is a bit sus in my eyes.

Firstly, there was some oke who shat himself and yes he got washed through the manual retweets too but he wasn't cut up anywhere near as much as this girl was. I don't know this girl and obviously if she managed to get herself in such a state then a bit of abuse can be warranted, I mean we're all going to judge the over drunk person regardless of how understanding we think we are but do so in such a way that's not overboard. Not only does she have to wake up with the world's largest headache and monstrous memory gaps with the shame of a million gophers on her head but now she must deal with being torn into and being called all sorts of names?  Nah man.

There's a definite double standard at play here. If this was a guy then it'd be laughed off and never brought up again unless in passing. A FULLY GROWN MAN SHAT HIMSELF AND PASSED OUT IN HIS OWN EXCREMENT AND NOTHING IS BEING SAID BUT YOU HAVE THE TIME TO CALL THIS GIRL THE KINDS OF NAMES THAT WOULD MAKE JON VLISMAS BLUSH? I just don't get it. How can that be okay?

I don't get black people sometimes. I mean I love you guys but sometimes you're a bunch of coons. I hate the word coon. Call me it all but don't call me that. To me, a coon is as ignorant as they come. A simple waste of face and character. The kind of black people that send us back years in this battle for equality, those are coons. People who do and say the kind of things that lead us to being regarded as second rate citizens. I was just going through my Timeline and looking at tweets from people I followed and regarded as somewhat open minded and was shocked to see just how easily they fell into the coon behaviour traps. I mean if you're a woman, what makes you think it's fine to climb into another woman who clearly had a lapse of better judgement and now finds themself in a not so pleasant situation. We don't know what happened. Maybe she got her drink spiked. Maybe someone took advantage of her while she was out of it. Who knows, but you can sit there and call her what you want without thinking, meanwhile she could be facing all kinds of trauma. Way to kick your fellow man whilst they're done. Bravo to you.

I'd never go to such a thing because I know what they can be like. I know the types of vultures that sit and prey on the slipping. I know the types who will find whatever they can so they can bathe in retweets for a day. Those kinds of events are breeding grounds for the most coonish of activities, and then those same people will turn around and cry foul when it happens to them. Miss me with all that, please.

Hunger Is Real.

That douchebag mosquito is back. Seriously, I don't know how it didn't get its fill of my blood last night. I swear it probably got away with 15 pints of my blood and a dainty little take-away satchet for the road.

Anyway, forget that nuisance. I understand what hunger feels like. Now I thought I knew what being hungry was like, I mean I've eaten before so obviously I must've felt hungry right? Well not quite. See every time I ate, I ate because it was eating time and it would make sense to eat. Lately though I've been eating because I genuinely need it.

4 or 5 times a week for the past month (minus this one because we've had builders in and I've had to take on the role of honorary foreman) I spend 3 hours a day in a vest and trainers, sweating and kicking and lunging and lifting and doing all the sort of things that really burn energy. I've been mad dedicated to my tracksuit and trainers life that it's become the staple of my daily routine. After doing all that for a large chunk of my day, my body literally cries out in pain and threatens to lay charges against me. This is what introduced me to hunger.

The first time this happened, I honestly thought I was dying. I didn't know what was cutting. Why did I suddenly have what felt like a concentration of all the black holes in our solar system, living in my body? Why was my stomach telling me the whole plotline to every Police Academy movie? I thought I was going to fall over and die on the spot. There I'd be, laid to rest with my headstone reading, "Here lies Msizi, the result of being poes hungry."

Being hungry is up there as one of the worst feelings in the world. I used to be able to survive for hours without food because I used to never do anything but now I can't go a few hours without having to chow down. I don't eat copious amounts of food or anything. I have my usual 3 meals with fruit smoothies and other things in between. I have to gi e props to the inventor of tbe toaster. I hope that genius is still getting mad action in the afterlife because what he did for me, I'll never be able to truly explain. I go blank if o can't have toast. Toast is up there with water for me as something we all need. If I want a sweet snack, put some jam on that stuff. If I'm going savoury then some bovril and cheese. Toast is without a doubt my most favourite form of bread. I also have to give a shout out to Koo baked beans. Aaaahhhhh man. I thought I knew what baked beans tasted like but honestly I knew nothing. I was like Stevie Wonder trying to explain the colour blue. Usually I'd get a tin or two of Rhodes beans and that was good for 4 daya or so but the other day my mom brought home a six pack of Koo beans and my whole head exploded. I had some earlier and now I want more.

Anyway, I guess after writing all that I can see why this damn mosquito is back here for seconds. I hate the feeling of being hungry and I honestly wouldn't wish it upon anyone because when your body doesn't have food, it literally starts to eat itself. There is no feeling I hate more than my own body eating away at itself. I'm hungry again. I must feed.

Little Black Book.

There's a mosquito flying through my room right now. I can only hazard a guess that she's after my blood. I mean it is feeding time and I have blood that tastes like the sweetest scarlet nectar. It's the Oros to mosquitoes. It's the Rolls Royce of mosquito feed. It's top tier 5 Michelin star fare.

I've been meaning to get myself a little black book where I can write all my strange thoughts and notions. People have been writing down their thoughts since the first caveman realised a buffalo bone could leave a mark on a rock face. People have been jotting things down for millennia, regardless of what it is. It doesn't really matter what you have to say, whether you're telling the future or just writing about a silly satan creature trying to suck your blood. Basically I just wanted something to take the place of a blog.

Having a blog is great and all. I mean I've kept this thing for years now. I haven't been as great as I once was it keeping it running but I've made an effort here or there. Having a little diary of sorts though would be epic. There's just something about writing words on page that really is freeing. I hate sounding cliche but it is true. Sometimes when I find myself with nothing to do I'll get out my exam pad and just write. I have no set plan or anything, I just free flow until my hand is tired or something else calls for my attention. Typing things out is nothing quite like it. I sometimes sit in front of my computer trying to find things to say and they all cling to the dark corners of my mind, hiding from the spot light of attention that is trying to bring the out onto those plastic keys. Give me a pen and words will fight over one another to be next down that ink-filled tube, to be neatly laid out on that lined bed of paper.

These days I guess I've just been feeling like doing things the old school way isn't so bad. I know a little black book will steal away from what comes up here but if I do happen to pen a gem, it's not like I could ever stop it finding its way here. I love myself too much to deprive myself the pleasure of going over this years from now and being like, "Waaaay, I wrote that".

I've chased the mosquito away with a desk fan. My genius knows no bounds.

Bring Back The Scouse

People these days seem to have forgotten just how much of a genius I am. That, I have to be honest, is my fault. I haven't been flexing my genius muscles because I've been so preoccupied but I think I should just dump some wisdom on you peasants.

The World Cup has just started and we've seen a lot of crazy games. The craziest though has to be the demolishing of Spain, 5-1 by the high flying Dutchmen. Spain put their faith in Diego Costa which I guess was a wise move but he's untried on such a huge platform. On the bench they had Fernando Torres, someone who has been a footballing wunderkind but has since fallen right off the wagon. Torres has failed miserably as a striker over the last few years and I think it's time I laid out how we should go about getting him back up.

When Torres was at Liverpool, I hated him. I hated the fact that he played for Scouser scum and I hated the fact he was such a genius football player. I hated that he was a little uncouth. I hated that he could score so many brilliant goals and after the match he'd throw up in your mom's favourite flower pot. He was a scouse and didn't care. I loved Torres. When he came to Chelsea, it all changed. He was brought into a highbrow London club that was prissy and high street. We would not accept acting out. What!? You're at Chelsea and you think you can come onto the field without your pinky in the air?! By Jove! We snuffed the scouser out of Torres and that's where we went wrong. We tried to rehabilitate him and in that he lost himself.

You see, Fernando Torres has given up. You look at this and you're like, "Yeah Msizi, you speak truth my man. You're a genius and I don't question it." But some of you may look at that and say, "Msizi, you ethereal man of knowledge, surely you of all people know that Torres hasn't given up. He trains so hard and gives off so much on the field, just because he isn't scoring, doesn't mean you have to be harsh." And you know what, both of you are right but I'm not talking about on the field. I'm talking about in life. Torres has a pair of hair clippers in his locker room. Those are the same clippers Jose used to shave his own hair into a tennis ball and so came the decline of Chelsea's field antics. When a man cuts his own hair, he's given up. What in you must die for you to think, "You know what, I don't really feel like going out of my way to consult a professional stylist, do something to my hair and deal with the up keep. I'll just shave it here at home because it's easier to manage". When has easier to manage ever been good? If living an "easier to manage" life was the best then we'd all be driving diesel 7 seater MPVs and we'd only wear beige and olive green tracksuit pants and polo necks. When you give up on your appearance, you give up on yourself. When Torres cut his hair, his decline to the bottom of the barrel was imminent. The fire died the day he bought the clippers out.

My best friend Fernando Torres has become too comfortable. He earns around £175 000 a week and you know what, he deserves it. He's done so well in his life to command that kind of pay package but it's become too much. What we need to do to bring back our old 'Nando is to put him on the dole. His family can still benefit from his high pay, don't let innocent people suffer but Torres must start from the bottom, all over again. Take him back to his scouser roots, where he played like a machine. Living on the high street has made him soft. Take away his Aston Martin, make him pull a Mancini and ride a bike to training. Use the bus. The only time he should be around his beautiful beast of a machine is when he's washing it. Wax on, wax off. It worked for the Karate Kid so it most definitely work for a talent like Torres.

Also, the biggest problem is that, I don't think 'Nando can speak english so well. This is also a good thing though because then he can't fully understand what his haters are saying but that also means he can't understand what his team mates are saying. The thing about London is that it has become a multi-ethnic melting pot of diversity. He can get away with being comfortable not speaking English, no one will judge him. Back in Liverpool, people are too thick to learn new languages so he had to suffer and learn the language and in his suffering, he became a football king. If Gary Cahill is gonna clear the ball from the back and Torres is in a position to get the ball over the head of the last defender, ol' Gazza can't suddenly learn Spanish in that short time and say, "El Fernando, los ballos over die headen! Arriba!". It's not gonna happen. He's gonna be like, "Oi Fezza, get ya'self out 'nd o'er t last man, squire" but Nando can't understand that so he'll fall back and the ball will go over and the keeper will get it. Also, when he scores a goal - which he does and they're beautiful - he can't celebrate fully because SUCK MY DICK just doesn't translate well into Spanish.

So basically, what we need to do, to get our Torres back is to really work on his whole appearance and how people perceive him. At Liverpool, his best mate was an Englishman so it's important that this happens again. At Liverpool he had the best hair of anyone and it's important that this happens again. At Liverpool he worked hard behind the scenes and it's important this happens again. We need to stop looking at Torres as someone who came and became a flop of money because that is simply not true. He is still a giant talent and I feel there's a lot that he can offer on and off the field. Torres just came in at a time where things were changing and he got left behind because no one understood him. The only man who could've taken him into the future was Anceloti and he was sacked before he could walk 'Nando through. I believe that if you gave me 6 months with Torres, I could bring you what we've all been needing to see from the man. Spanish Football is dead now, we need to move on to the future. We need to bring back the scouser.

Comfort Eejit

What are you doing up here so late? When last did we see your face around these parts. You've been scare old friend. Where have you been, it's almost like you did not exist.

Oh, you won't tell me where you've been? Well that's ok. It's not like I don't already know. I was with you. You know I was with you. You know I was with you because you called for me. You called for me and you never stopped, I just wish you would've come for me. You know where I was. I stood by you each and every time. The rise and the fall. You've come out from your inequities. You don't see it yet but you're bolder, stronger, in tune with that which you thought was lost.

You're still not impressed though are you. Silly old friend. You're still wrapped up in things that steal your time. I can see that you see and seeing that I see you see yourself being done with it all. That's the mark. That's the stride you'll take once more. Strong foot and steady step, they guide you. I see you old friend, on your resurrection. You were lost but never alone. I was beside you, always will be.

Dry Wall Tastes Better Than This.

You know, I've spent a good deal of time thinking about this. I've spent literal moments of time agonizing over how any of this could work out this way? How can something take such a dire turn in events and end up like this. Something doesn't make sense here. Someone isn't quite fully here.

I think I've been called every name there is to be called in this situation and you know what, I'm sure I'm deserving of some of it. I'm sure I've done enough to warrant some of the things you hold against me and that's ok, I know that and I've owned up to that. But what I don't get is how it's so easy for you to take all that, without pause or question, and take it up as the absolute truth. That's just something I've always failed to understand. I'm the kind of person who likes to understand something. I want to know the reason behind something. I want to see the strings that control the puppetry. I fail to see that in you. I fail to see the need to fully understand a concept, to take it further than as what it's laid before you to be but to know it as a whole idea. I've wondered about this for so long now.

Why do I say this? Well it's simple really. Every time we've had some sort of fall out, it's been a barrage laid at me with a whole, "me against the world" type attitude. The go-to stance of those in fear. It took me a while to notice - although I don't know why when all the signs were there. The countless times I'd been told about this, you'd swear I'd have had it under wraps - and really that came to bite me hard on the soft globes. Granted everyone will do what is necessary to do in a situation to make sure they come out on top. That's just basic self preservation and I'm guilty of that. The easiest thing to do though when faced with something you don't quite fully understand or feel comfortable with is to try tear it down and lash against it. We fear what we don't understand and I can only conclude that's what you were doing. You told me many times that you feared I could destroy you and if I really wanted to then I'm sure I could have but the simple truth here is that you played as much an active role in all this as I did. Never once was my intention for anything bad to come out of this. Not once did I say, "You know what, I'm gonna set out now and do my best to get under this person's skin, really play with their emotions for my own personal ends." Not once did I see this as something to take lightly. The whole playing with emotions deal is a serious thing and a lot of damage can be done.

I think I got wound up into this web a whole lot quicker than I would've liked and yes, for that I can commend you but I can't give you all the credit. I definitely left my defenses way low down. I came into this with no fore-thought. Not a single alarm went off in my head, nothing. Whether it was me being unbelievably trusting and willing to be open or just a lapse of complete concentration, I don't know but something in my mind never really clicked for me to wade with caution. And caution for what? What's the worst thing that could possibly happen. Since when did anything bad happen to Msizi! I'm fine. I'm always fine and always will be, that's the beauty and tragedy of being me. No matter how much something truly does affect me, I'll never let on. Right now this could be seen as me showing that all of this bothered me more than I'd like to admit but on the other side of the coin, this could just be me playing a game. All of this could've been one gigantic farce. Those are two quite real possibilities. It's sad and fascinating at the same time.

It's a bit sad though innit? I mean both of us could turn around and play either one of those roles, whether it meant something or whether it didn't and the other party would accept it. Like I know you may one day read this and think, "ah this eejit is speaking trash, I said what I said that night and he forgot and now he's got the audacity to say all this!?" and in a way you'd be right to react that way but also you'd have no right to at all. Because when it comes down to it, I didn't choose to end up the way I did that night, not once did I expect for that to happen and besides that, the fact that you never once brought it up goes to show that even if it did all mean as much as you said it did, it couldn't have meant that much at all if you could suddenly turn cold to it like that. That's really all that gets to me. The whole, "Well if things don't follow this set path then it's just not it" mentality you follow. I can see how it works and such but that narrow scope is more damaging in the long run than anything and I really hope one day you see it.

I harbour no ill feeling towards you but I don't have any others. Whether you're friend or foe I do not know, I guess it depends on the day right now. We have no communication and if that's how it is then so be it, I don't feel strongly about whether we do or don't because both have their benefits and their pitfalls. I told myself to take a step back and see if anything would come from your side and nothing did and so that's that. Although that's also quite dumb of me to be making assumptions, something I so strongly hate, but sometimes you just have to go with it. For the record I kept it 100% with you, whether it was blind devotion or what, I don't know but that's what it was. I'm not upset or anything either, this post really probably won't even be seen by you and that's great. I didn't write it for that. It was just a closing thought, one I may have completely wrong, one I may not. Who knows. I just have ultimo peace right now and that's really what the purpose of this thing was. It was for me.

Anyway, I've lost my train of thought and no, this isn't some attempt to take on your character or what not, it's just my simple rant on something I can only understand, simply.

Dialogue between Oliver and Jordana after their break up.

OLIVER:- Jordana!
Jordana!
It is you.
I didn't think it'd be you. I...
I thought it'd be like a film
where the girl turns round and it's not the...
You've got a new dog. You're allergic.

JORDANA:- Oliver.

OLIVER:- Where's your boyfriend?

JORDANA:- He's not my boyfriend

OLIVER:- Your skin's looking bad, terrible.
It's probably the dog.

JORDANA:- I don't care about my fucking skin.

OLIVER:- Why on earth did you get a new dog?

JORDANA:- Because I like dogs, OK?
Why are you such a total dick?

OLIVER:- I don't know.
I was crying earlier. My eyes are probably red.

JORDANA:- They look fine.

OLIVER:- No, well, maybe they don't go red when I cry.
It happens to some.

JORDANA:- You were horrible to me.

OLIVER:- I know. I made a mistake.
I made a mistake.

JORDANA:- What do you want me to say?

OLIVER:- Ask me how deep the ocean is.

JORDANA:- Shut up.

OLIVER:- Go on, just ask me

JORDANA:- Why?

OLIVER:- Because I know the answer.

JORDANA:- Oh, do you?

OLIVER:- Yeah. I do.

JORDANA:- How deep?

OLIVER:- I'm not going to say.

JORDANA:- I'm broken-hearted.

OLIVER:- The ocean is six miles deep.

JORDANA:- Good.

Who Remembers Sunday?

So last Sunday was a treat. Well I'll say it was last Sunday for the sake of this post.

I woke up to a phone call from my mate Tyler. He had a concert ticket for that Matthew Mole guy and was willing to sell it to me for cheap. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'll hop over a thousand islands at the prospect of watching some live music. It was at Makaranga so that wouldn't be too unpleasant either - the place is like the Garden of Eden, if it was taken over by a hospitality company. It's fantastic there and I needed some fantastic feels. We managed to organise Ben a ticket too which was a stroke of genius and luck because none of this debauchery would've been as great without him.

See what happened was this. The plan was for us to leave at 12, even though the concert started at 12. We would go down with Tyler, his girlfriend Caro and good ol' Msizi Hadebe was there too so it was going to be a boss time for us all. Well being the guys we were, Ben and I decided to go off and get some beers for the journey. Makaranga isn't the cheapest place in the world so it made sense to go there feeling a little buzzed. Haha and that was our mistake. It was barely past 11am and there we were in the queue at Tops, quartz in hand, ready to drink the day away like a bunch of alcoholics. I'm sure anyone who saw us would've thought that's exactly what we were. I guess in a sense, on that day, you could get away with saying that.

We raced off to the meet up point with Tyler and barely 2 seconds after being in the car we'd started making our way through the first of our beers. Being day drunk is something I'm sure most of us are accustomed to. We've all been to festivals where the first thing you have to rehydrate yourself after a long night is a beer. You're out of milk so you use beer to get through your cereal. Oh look, your teeth need brushing so you quickly use your Black Label to help you out, it's a common thing out there in the mountains. I know people who survived solely on Black Label for a full week and functioned perfectly well. The biggest problem here was that we weren't in the mountains.  We weren't at a festival. Where we were was in the suburbs of the Upper Highway area where lots of families were coming out for a casual Sunday afternoon hang as it became clearly evident to us as we stammered up to the serpentine queue of people waiting to get in the gates. When you're in normal civilization,  you have to maintain if you want to be day drunk and so Ben and I put our best feet forward.

There was absolutely no way in hell I was going to go wait at the back of the line. I still can't tell you where it ended because after it dipped down the hill and bent itself once or twice around a few corners, I lost interest. Luckily we found someone we knew reasonably close to the front and just kinda wedged ourselves in with their party as if we'd been there the whole time. A bit of dutch courage in our bones and we'll make anything look natural. The first thing Ben decides we need to do is get beers and so off to the bar we went. The wisest decision for us was to get a bucket full of beers so we could lounge around on the grass and not have to move again. The whole point of us being there was to enjoy the music and have a good time, not get wasted in front of these poor people with their families, right?

Haha well to cut a long story short, my card got declined by the card machine because so many people were on the server so we had to go across the road to Maytime and find an ATM and by now I was feeling the effects of those downed quartz quite well. There's this thing that happens to me where if I get inebriated, so do all my devices. I tried to use the ATM and it gave me bat, claiming I had no cash, which was a lie because I'd just been paid and I was feeling mad rich. I was flipping Donald Trump on these hoes and this thing is telling me I'm suddenly a pauper, lies. Tried calling the bank but my phone wouldn't work either, it too was feeling day drank and so after an hour of waiting, I finally got the ATM to work and we were able to get our beers, lie down and listen to music. Not quite.

We went to listen to music alright, we'd found Tyler where we'd left him and Caro to get us a spot near the front and we settled ourselves in before the hordes of young parents and their toddlers could rain in and take it from us. The amount of young people there was quite astounding. I usually don't feel like the oldest person in the room when I go to most places and usually I'm not but here I was, teetering on the edge of being ancient around a bunch of knee-high grasshoppers. I even knocked over a little baby in my haste to catch up to a girl I was meaning to chat up from months ago.

That's another thing that was there in abundance; girls. There were so many girls there and quite a few that I knew. Granted most of them were just hitting 18 and with their mommys and daddys but the ones I knew were in the safe zone and that's where I stayed. After a few beers you tend to forget that there are some girls that are off limits. Mostly friends of your ex, even if they've suddenly become just about everything you find attractive in a woman at the moment, they're a no go. Tell that to drunk Msizi. My flirt game was on level 9000 and I'd be lying if I said it stopped with her. Nope, I think I flirted and got cellphone numbers of nearly every girl within a mile's radius of me who was over the legal age. Right now my phone book is full of numbers of girls I don't even know and that first week back into reality was just about me finding a way to ignore these people as efficiently as I possibly could. My dignity was like, "Hey, let's not do this" and drunk Msizi would be like, "Ok, but watch this..."  In all this I wasn't alone though. Ben and Msizi were just as active as I was and I think between the three of us, we can compile a phonebook of every girl in the Upper Highway area. I had no other intentions besides just stroking my ego. There's nothing I enjoy more than a good bit of flirting and whatever reward that comes, be it in the form of a hook up or even several, is pay for a job well done.

I can't remember what time we left or what really went on in there but I can tell you I had a fantastic time. There are so many pictures taken from there and in every one of them I was having the time of my life. The day drunkness had a tight hold of me and after we left I decided to calm down and pace myself, it was barely 4pm, the night was young. Haha but when you're being day drunk with other people, it's not really your choice.  From there we drove to Mkhulu's Tavern, a tavern in the township that I've never been to but all my friends had. I was impressed.  It was pretty boss in there and we got more beers and I'm pretty certain I got the cashier's phone number too, I was insatiable. It probably helped that she knew my friends but still. I was content with going home and just having a quiet night in with my friends and a few drinks.

But that doesn't happen in the real world. No it doesn't but I feel like maybe that's a post for another day. So much happened that day and that night that I have a thousand life lessons to take away from it. Basically what happened after that is we ended up hanging out with some people closer to our age on the rooftop of a hotel overlooking the Durban beachfront at night and for me, that's when I realised I was just done with cake lighties. I'd spent the last few hours speaking to young girls and as fun as that may be, they weren't as stimulating as the ones I was now doing somewhat illegal things with. I must say I'm a million times more grateful for that bit of realisation than any other. I know age is but a number, something I said quite a few times later that week when a band of milfs came sniffing me out and it's true but it does play a part too. With age comes maturity and that's something I saw quite clearly in the space of a few hours.

.

"Time flies when you're having fun and then it suddenly grinds to a massive halt when things go bad"

Aint that some shit, huh. Haha I don't even know where to start with this blog post.

I've just started another round of exams, just much like any other person with any desires to further their education. Usually I'm on top of this. Usually I have these things by the short and curlies and I do with them as I see fit. Usually I'm a machine. This time around though, things haven't gotten off to a good start. I arrived at my exam yesterday a whole hour early just so I could be and feel prepared. After milling for a few hours aimlessly, I was told that the exam times had been moved. Apparently we'd all been notified and all the exam times had been changed. Well that would've been brilliant if I'd been told. I went through the list of times the night before and obviously I never got the revised one. That wasn't a major train smash, I can handle such things, let's continue to greatness. Anyway, later I'm told that I needed to pay a writing fee. Now that threw me off the mark. I can work with having to wait a few more hours to get my misery over but now there was a possibility I couldn't even write because I hadn't brought in all I needed. Flip I've never stressed so much in my life. There stands Msizi, with his stupid haircut, black stupid skinny jeans and his stupid jacket hoodie combo that he thinks is the business, stressing his brain off trying to get hold of his parents and failing miserably, look at him wearing slops with jeans, cursing in foreign dialects under his breath and slowly losing his cool - what a chop. I nearly walked out of that place, I was just feeling defeated all of a sudden. Everyone has all their things set up, all bright and shiny and there I am standing in the bushes trying to make countless phone calls that weren't working out. Luckily the lady understood my predicament and we sorted something out. Seriously, she was a gem. I got in with half a minute to spare and then sat down to write my exam. Haha I don't even want to talk about it. I was so frazzled and hyped up on coffee that I can't say I can make sense of what happened in there. All in all, that was a bad day.

The bones of my post though, and something I think has played a big part in my topsy turvy existence is this, problems at mi casa. My sister had an accident a few days ago. Basically she was a real life example of those people you see on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. To cut a long story short, she didn't know she was and took some medication that you're not meant to when you're with bun which dealt a series of complications and the baby unfortunately didn't make it. I don't know how she feels about that, I haven't yet plucked up the courage to speak to her about it but I can imagine she must be pretty upset. If it were me, I don't know how I'd react. Personally I know I'll never have kids because I'm just not father material. Let me watch over your kid for a few minutes, cool, but I can't do anything longer before I feel the sudden desire to throw things at it. I can't handle situations that have to deal with emotions or tragedies, I'm a coward. I have the emotional depth of a teaspoon and even though I try my hardest sometimes to be more accommodating and such with things like that, I just can't. I don't want to hear about how bad it is. I don't want to feel like it's my burden to bear and at the same time I don't want her to feel like I don't care. I don't know how to bridge that gap between caring brother and emotional recluse. I'm not vocal about the way I feel at all, especially when it's real. I can tell you the world belongs to you on a silver platter any time of the day when I don't mean it but please don't ask me to tell you how I really feel because I just can't, even if you really deserve it. My mom took it all quite rough. That's when it really hit. When my mom feels something, I do too. She's golden and when she's not a full golden hue, I struggle too. 

I've only really spoken to one person about all this. I told the Peen Meen. The thing I like about her is that try as she might, she's just as bad at this thing as I am. I tell her these big issues I have because I need someone who is as clueless as I am. I need someone who's gonna feel mad awkward about being told something so serious, like I do. She took it like a champ and cracked some jokes that were in heavy bad taste and I needed that because I needed to find a way to deal, I needed to work it out my own way. I hate having other people trying to work out my problems for me like I'm some child, that isn't right. That's not how I was brought up. I understand it's good to talk and get things out but sometimes I just struggle to say anything. Monday night was the first night I'd been home in a while and it really felt like I should do or say something that would take everyone's minds off of what was happening. Because I suck so much at dealing with feelings, sometimes I feel like it's my duty to help others forget theirs. I don't know who gave me this silly, jaded thought process but dammit they've screwed me over quite a bit in the long run. 

After my exam I went to a mates house, didn't care to make myself announced or anything, I just wanted to be around people who had their own issues so I could forget mine for a while. I came in, threw my stuff on the floor and when I was asked how my day was, that there was the moment I felt like if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war, they would've burst. I'm hella frustrated right now. Funny how I made a mental note of it. I make a note of all the times freaking out would be acceptable in any situation, it makes me feel better for being stronger than that. With school and family things going up all around me, I just feel like I need to find some time away and break from all of this. I'm no superman, I can barely keep my phone bill down. I'm only human after all. 

The Kids Aren't Alright.

Visiting family is always a great thing to do. I enjoy seeing the strange characters I'm related to. Most of them are some of the greatest people I know. Family is where the good times reside.

The thing is though, I'm a very chill character. I don't need to be kept entertained. I don't need to be maintained.  I can keep to myself and find every bit of entertainment that I need. Put the football on and I'm literally in my element. You can leave me for hours and I'll be just fine. What sucks about visiting family though is that no matter how old I get, I'll always be considered as the small little boy my mother used to cart around. I'm an old man now. I've been dead inside for many years, I think I've earned my spot at the grown up table. My anti social behavior speaks volumes, I'm not a kid anymore. So why then am I always saddled with the little kids? I hate little kids. I have nothing in common with them. I don't understand anything to do with them and they don't get me. If you want your kids to cry then I can happily lend some assistance but if you're looking for a baby sitter then you're out of luck. I don't get why little kids seem to think that I want to hear every single thing they have to say. Keep some things to yourself little homie, be a bit mysterious. If you must speak to me, God forbid,  then please do it in a language that we both can understand. Don't come at me with the street slang you use in your part of the nursery school because I promise you right now, I won't understand a thing you're saying. I will ignore you and keep getting these tweets out about how annoying you are. You don't deserve that. If we must interact then I will initiate it. I've already got a shadow, I don't need a new one. I once got trailed by this little guy once to the point where I had to duck him just so I could go take a piss. I don't even go to the toilet with my own friends. The worst is when little kids come with their snot noses and touchy fingers. I can forgive a dog for touching my jeans and stuff because it's an animal and it's dumb, it doesn't understand when I say don't touch but if your kid is gonna use my pants as a new home for its boogers then I'll administer a beat down. I once had a tiny tot use my jacket as a tissue and I nearly burst several blood vessels. 

I know it's expected of me to make sure the kids are alright and if that means a bit of chinwagging then we'll converse. Sometimes I have to hand it to them, kids can say some great things. I've heard some genius things come from half pints. Some of my nephew's mates have had me in stitches, to the point where I could consider them sort of my honorary friends on certain days of the year, if given prior notice. It's not all so bad but it takes time. It takes time and some growing up. I can happily handle dealing with small kids for a short period of time. Sometimes they can really be delightful and I love it when people affiliated with them are more embarrassed by their behavior than everyone else. I'll happily engage with a kid just to watch their parents cringe at the silly things they're doing. That's fun. But ya, I don't love your child as much as you do and I never will so let's not try force this friendship. We'll get there when we get there, if we get there.

I'm Stealing Your Title Style From Now On For These Ones.

I've been sitting on a thousand feelings and thoughts the last couple of weeks. Pulled in various directions, I've been like a dog on a run. Running from this lamp post, leaving my mark on this hydrant. Generally stretching myself thinner than I think I've ever been.

These nights where I sit in my cave, music streaming uninhibited into my ears, consciousness bared wide open, these are the nights that make me. Right now I feel fantastic. I've been a long way from finding myself and it's a wonderful feeling to find everything I was looking for and to feel it come back to me. I can sit on the edge of my bed, listen to songs about the broken and not feel like they're speaking to me.

Do you know what it's like to watch yourself come apart from the inside? Do you know what it looks like when that manifests itself into your day to day life? Most people don't notice. They just see someone acting up or putting on a show and that's the end of it. What it really does to the person going through that is quite something else. I'd never wish for anyone to hate who they are. When you get to the point where you hate you, the person that you are, that's when you've lost the game. That's when you've let everyone else dictate to you who you should be. Sometimes we think we have that under control. We feel like we have our lives in our own hands and we can conquer it all. We go on these benders, these quests to prove to everyone and to ourselves that we're ok but in the long run they do way more damage than good. I love coming back down to earth from this high pedestal I've constructed. I like being back at the level where I fully understand myself. When I'm out there, full blown to the masses, that's not me, not all the time. I went for coffee with Gem the other day. I had a few hours to kill and she was keen to meet up and so I took the opportunity with both hands.  It was good to feel real. There's a great feeling in seeing someone's face light up when they see yours. Yes, it's not the same way as it once was before but it was great nonetheless.  We've come a long way from where we were before and I'm greatful for every twist and turn we've taken. She really put me at ease. Spoke words only she knew, with gold plated meanings and the calming effects of ocean waves. If I'd sat there a moment longer, I might not have ever returned. She's always been my voice of reason and I'm glad that hasn't changed.

Miss Jackson - Panic! At The Disco

Climbing out the back door, didn't leave a mark
No one knows it's you Miss Jackson
Found another victim
But no one's gonna find Miss Jackson, Jackson, Jackson

You put a sour little flavor in my mouth now
You move in circles hoping no one's gonna find out
But we're so lucky,
Kiss the ring and let 'em bow down
Looking for the time of your life (ain't always gonna find out)

A pretty picture but the scenery is so loud,
A face like heaven catching lighting in your nightgown,
But back away from the water, babe, you might drown-
The party isn't over tonight (lighting in your nightgown)

He-eyy
Where will you be waking up tomorrow morning?
He-eyy
Out the back door
Goddamn
But I love her anyway
I love her anyway
I love her anyway
Out the back door
Goddamn
But I love her anyway

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?
Are you nasty?
I love her anyway

Ohhhh
Where will you be waking up tomorrow morning?
Ohhhh
Out the back door
Goddamn
But I love her anyway

Way down 'til the fire finally dies out
You've got 'em wrapped around your finger
Watch 'em fall down
There's something beautiful and tragic in the fallout
Let me say it one more time
(Tragic in the fall out)

He-eyy
Where will you be waking up tomorrow morning?
He-eyy
Out the back door, Goddamn
But I love her anyway

I love her anyway
I love her anyway
Out the back door
Goddamn
But I love her anyway

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?
Are you nasty?
I love her anyway

Ohhhh
Where will you be waking up tomorrow morning?
Ohhhh
Out the back door
Goddamn
But I love her any...

Climbing out the back door, didn't leave a mark
No one knows it's you Miss Jackson
Found another victim
But no one's gonna find Miss Jackson, Jackson, Jackson

I love her anyway

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?

Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Miss Jackson
Are you nasty?
Are you nasty
I love her anyway

Ohhhh
Where will you be waking up tomorrow morning?
Ohhhh
Out the back door
Goddamn
But I love her anyway

You notice her to be something very special. You go out of your way to make her notice you. You put in hours upon hours of spade work. Finding every excuse to be on her mind. Doing everything in your power to have just an extra moment with her. You go all out. She gets swept off her feet. She agrees to be yours. You've done it, you've finally made it, So then tell me, why did you give up?

I don't quite understand why we seem to think that once we've gotten the girl, we can sit back and relax. If anything, once you have the girl, that's when all the hard work truly begins. I cannot believe that I've allowed myself to fall into that trap of being a complacent idiot lately. I've only ever had one serious relationship. I've had relationships before but none of them really count as much as that one did. I did my work. I put in the hours. I did the small things, I did the big things. I did it all. I was easily at my best as far as Msizi the Boyfriend goes. These days people will look at me and think I'm speaking trash. "How could this guy possibly be anything even remotely close to a human when he's such a dick?" I know right now that there are a few girls that harbor nothing but hate for me. I've seen the looks. I've felt the cold stares. I'm not proud of it. After having given so much of myself to a person, I just felt like I never could give of myself again and so after that, I just never did. I never bothered to be the best for someone else. I was only the best for me. I looked out for number one and it's been something I've been doing ever since.

I tried to get my redemption. I tried to make amends where I could. I figured if I found someone I thought was special enough then I could go on to be a better man. I found her. She exists. I don't. I've been a mediocre, hollow shell. I know I've said all this before but I've been jank. I don't understand why it's been so damn hard for me to just relax a little and be a little more real. Tell her she's wonderful. Tell her she's on my mind. Tell her I'm proud of her. Tell her she's bite-the-back-of-my-hand beautiful. You know, tell her the truth. I think I just got so swept up in trying to be this unmoved, cold hearted dude that I lost sight of what's important.The most important thing as a guy is for you to make a lady feel like the angel she really is. I've just noticed that as guys we've been flopping at this lately. I've seen it come from characters I'd never expect it from, to people that have it coming out their ears. I'm embarrassed and it's been sitting heavy on my heart the last couple of weeks. I've come to accept that I've been wrong, very wrong, and a useless oke through and through but it changes. It changes. I have no worries when it comes to looking a little "gay", not if it does the job of making a girl feel good.

Give Me My Moments Back

These new people. These new characters with all their things that make them who they are. These new faces, they don't know much about me. I feel like I've not done myself any justice. I've squashed my passions. I've not given them the wings they need to fly. I've not given them the power they need to help define me. To them I'm just a guy who has vague interests in the mundane and that's it. That's where he ends. What moves him? What gets him happy? What makes him sad? A guy with no cares for anyone or anything.

That's not me. I have passions. I have fears. I have goals. I have a life so rich in colour that sometimes I literally cannot fathom just how brilliant it all could be. Being thankful is something I never stop being. My passions run deep. This face has been lit up by discussing things that flow through my veins. The feeling of being in my element is one I'll never tire of. I shine like a million watt bulb when I'm discussing music. Come to me with your collected pieces of the written word and I'll understand your soul. Show me the visual pieces that move you and I'll be moved along too. I love nothing more than to control the room. My mission in any situation is to add colour to the walls. I love nothing more than making people laugh. I am that who I am.

There's this feeling people give off these days, like it's wrong to actually care about things. It's wrong to be moved. It's wrong to be set differently. I won't lie, for a while now I've unconsciously been playing into that and no wonder I've been as much of a miserable git as I have. It's like we wear a uniform. That's not me. That's never been me. Ask those that truly know me and they'll tell you that I'm nothing like how I've been these days. I've gotten so good at lying to myself. If there's one thing that has given rise, power to this creative mind, it's my ability to turn the negatives into positives. It's the ability to push through with what I love when it makes no sense to anyone else. When the rest think I've gone around the loop, that's when I bring out the strings that control the puppetry, that's when things turn around.

I've not felt inspired and that's the problem. I've just been so caught up in everyone else's ideologies that I've kinda forgotten mine. I'm better than this. I'm better than all of it. I'm about to make amends.

.

Yesterday I was destroyed. I got caught with the kung fu grip and split right down the middle. It hurts just thinking about it. I've never felt so utterly useless in my life before.

When you had a boyfriend it was chill. He dominated your time and that meant that there was no pressure on you and I. There was no need to hang out or try and make anything work, we were just two people sitting on some feelings for one another. This all now hasn't gone so great. We've had some good times but we've also had some pretty crap times and that's understandable, it happens to everyone. The thing is, we're not everyone and I think it's time we stopped thinking that way and having to contest with them. We've had it against us from the very beginning and it hasn't let up. I still don't get why people would so readily meddle with us. Of course things would be a little tough for us considering we're not the type to readily compromise and stuff like that, we haven't made it much easier on ourselves.. We're two hard headed people and that's fantastic, it's great that we can keep to our guns and blaze all kinds of havoc but they really shouldn't be pointed at one another.

I'm gonna address this now because it's plagued me and I know I've probably already said this. I wasn't in the right frame of mind when we spoke yesterday so this will just go out here anyway. I completely hate it that you hang out with it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it and I hate it some more. I don't understand why you still do and even though I won't openly say it, it hurts me. I know him and I weren't the best of mates but imagine if I'd done that with one of your friends. I know for a fact it would bother you if I still kept them around. I trust him as far as I can throw him and I've brought that up before and I just kinda puzzle as to why it still happens. I understand that you're friends and all but it feels like he's your go-to when you're upset with me and that cuts me. You can't even begin to imagine how it felt to have him say how whenever you're mad at me, you call him up. It's made me second guess myself. If I was doing all that with Stacey, it would upset you. I know I'm still mates with her and stuff and we've seen each other too and I get that it's wrong and I shouldn't be doing that and then getting upset over you doing that and it's selfish of me but I think now's the time for me to be a little selfish. I've been so lackadaisical about us and I think now's the time for me to actually be more of a proper person to you. You don't deserve all this pain and unease. I know I've not been great to you and I'm sorry for that, for it all. You're purely fantastic and I know I can surprise you. I know I can be that person that you need right now, I know I have it all in me because when it comes down to it I'm honestly so flipping amazing that it kills me how utterly shit I've been. You deserve the world at your doorstep and knowing I haven't given that to you up till now is inexcusable.

The fact that I'm not making you happy right now makes me so angry. It's what I'm supposed to do, it's everything I want to do and the fact that things got so pear shaped and out of hand just makes me feel second rate. I know I've done my fair share to add to all this misery and I'm disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed I turned around and handled the situation like I did. The biggest problem with us is that it would take a proper conscious effort for it to work and let me be honest with you, I haven't pulled my weight in that department. I've been fringing it, mulling the idea over and yes I know I can do it, I know I should do it and I know I want to do it but I haven't and this is why we're in this mess. I'm the furthest thing from perfect and you may not feel like I can but I really can be great. I have it in me to be leaps and bounds above all the rest, it's not even a thing to be doubted. I just haven't and that's not fair on either one of us. I guess that's also added to all the frustrations and what got me the most is that there's someone else pretending for the throne and that's just not right, I can and never will let that happen. Last time I was with someone I got shafted so hard. There I was thinking I was the only one as she was the only one and next thing I know, I've got egg all over my face. I guess for a very long time that was what I was trying to avoid with you and I and in doing so I've gone and landed with the very same result. I understand and accept my faults. I know where I've gone wrong. I didn't try hard enough to make you more of an actual part of my life and if you like someone, you're very much expected to do that, it's just something you do.. It's not that I didn't want to or anything either, because I do and I most happily will. I want you to play a big part in my life, I know you can. There's not a moment where I don't think sheer greatness will come from you and you've never given me much reason to doubt that. Yes, I've had reason to doubt you but I've never once doubted what you can do. I guess I just kinda thought that once we start dating, then everything like that will happen. That's not the case though. This time here, before we even get to that is highly crucial. This is where the moves are made that will lead to a more stable relationship, to a stable anything really. This is the audition. I want to start it over. I want to create what I have in my mind. I only want greatness.

You're well annoying boo. You drive me up the wall on a normal day but I wouldn't have it any other way. I think you're brilliant. You're smart, sexy and aloof and that's a great mix on you. Not many can pull it off quite like you do.

This here now is good, it's not the best but it can work. We're convenient and that works. Yes we're useless at our planning and executing but at least we work something out from time to time. Obviously all of that doesn't really inspire much confidence. The whole being at arms length thing holds us way back and if we're ever to progress further than this then it has to stop. It used to drive me crazy. It used to make me feel mad annoyed but after the last few weeks I've just learnt to let be what is and do me. Yes, okay it still annoys me but I'm not gonna try push it on further, it just leads to arguments and that's never good, that won't get us Facebook official. There's too much that goes on unsaid and brushed off and around. That's no way to start anything or take anything further. I'm not about to let you down so you don't stress. I'd just like a bit more of a boost in confidence in all this. I know it's there.

When you're ready to come and kick it, when you're keen to become Facebook official, I'll be there. I've stalled in doing me these days and that's had me feeling tense and frustrated but it's all coming to me. When you ready to do us I'll be there, just don't keep me waiting too long.

Everybody's got their box
Doing what they're told
You pushed my faith near being lost
But we'll stick to the guns
Don't care if it's marketing suicidal
Won't crack or compromise
Your do-rights or individes
Will never unhinge us

You're alright.

I don't know, maybe I've been out the game for too long. Maybe the rules have changed drastically from what I remember and new things fly more freely now, but bear with my old school notion for a second.

From what I remember, if you hooked up with someone a few times, were pretty open about how you felt about them which often lead to you being ''together'' then you'd not be seen with someone else. Let's say I hook up with a girl, we've been vibing a while, the chances of me hooking up with someone else would diminish. If I were hooking up with someone else then that would give a lot of mixed signals and that just leads to a communication break down. I wouldn't be seen dead with girl number 2 if I had any form of feelings for girl number 1, it's simple. Firstly because that's a dick move. Secondly that'll have both people feeling like they have a shot and there's nothing worse than stringing people along, it grinds my gears. I mean you don't have to have a set out blueprint for how everything works but simple logic dictates that if you come across a situation that could cause possible harm to you or others, you avoid it. Thirdly it's about showing some resoect. You've got to respect people enough to give them the decency to be spared all those possible hurt feelings. Nothing worse than finding out that while you thought all was going well, someone else was going just as well too. Don't put egg on someone's face. Nip it in the bud and steer clear from that. The only possible outcome of that would be that you're left on your ace with two pissed off people.

But I don't know, these days I've been seeing that fly a lot. Like the level of it has actually been blown sky high. Like I know right now I'm in my own situation that just makes my blood boil - mostly because of my own folly of finding myself in the situation. But the amount of things I've been hearing, just this weekend alone, about all this is alarming. I really am for casual liasons. I've had friends with benefits and hook up buddies that I just see from time to time when the weather permits but none of that has ever had any kind of lasting promise to it so it's never been an issue. If they were hooking up too then even better, less drama for me to deal with. It was a win win. But once you put something more on the line, that all stops.

I was massively turned off a lot of characters when I heard this and it also niggles at me a bit just because it's a bit too close to home but I mean I'd like to think I know how to handle myself in such situations and sometimes you've just gotta be chill and let the breeze flow, you know. I just hope that you find some clarity and things go right for you. I got you.

Sometimes you can be so right that it's basically fatal for my ego to admit. Sometimes you can be so wrong that it's fatal for my ego to accept. This time you're right.

When it comes to being a dick, I'm the head honcho. Most times I don't even do it on purpose, especially not to you. I've been so out of the loop when it comes to dealing with someone's emotions over a long period of time that I fully understand that I'm rusty. I kinda wish it wasn't you that had to deal with all this fine tuning because you don't deserve that. You're the only one I can openly say that I would drop what I'm doing just to be by your side in a heartbeat. I know that's faggoty but it's true. You've got a bit of a point. Well you've got a substantially large point. When it comes to playing games, I'm captain. Like I said before, I've let my edges get so rough that smoothing them out is taking a little longer than I would've hoped.

I'm sure you hate me right now and I don't blame you, right now I hate me for making you hate me, and then on top of that I hate me for making you hate me and hate me for making you hate me, hate me. I've gone and confused myself there but basically even though it doesn't seem that way, I'm a lot softer these days than before and that's foreign to me. Yes I am a closed book. I'm a shut 100 000 page book of twisted workings that I'm both surprised and flattered that you'd even want to even look in this direction. It won't happen over night but I do think that I could find myself turning the pages for you. I know it will take time and at the same time I can be so pushy about time that it's a bit of a cooked situation. How can I be like, Ahh I need time to get comfy and then at the same time complain that we don't spend time. Twisted.

I'll admit I am way more open and stuff when I'm drunk and that's because at that time I'm not afraid of any judgement. These days you say a few things and then all of a beeswax you're taken for an emotional fool and next thing you know you're a heaving mess of gnarled up nerve endings in the shower, trying to scrape away memories and writing sad hiakus on the shower window with your tears. That's not a good look for anyone - I never want that to be me. I definitely care which way this thing goes. Haha I care a poes load. I would never have blogged about you if I didn't. This is my little chamber and what makes it onto here means a lot to me, you mean a lot to me. I'm sorry I give off the impression of someone who doesn't care, it's a defence mechanism more than anything. I hate failure and the last thing I'd want to do is fail here, right where it counts the most.

 I understand that you've told me so much about you. It feels like I've known you for ages, in the time we've spent together I've come to know and understand so much about you and it's barely even been the length of a ball hair. There are obviously still parts of you that I know nothing about or understand at all and this is why we're having this sub-blogging thing going on. In time.

Anyway, I have a whole lot more to say but I don't think it's all right to say it on here. There's just some things that should be said and not left to be read on a cheap blog. I'm sorry I hurt you, that was me being an idiot at my finest. I seem to be doing that a lot these days, I'm gonna end that shit.

2 second rant.

My computer has just given up the ghost. Poof and it's gone. Now I can't access anything that's even remotely meant something to me. Files, pictures, music and the likes, all gone in an instant. I'm well pissed.

It's like these past few days anything worth believing in has given me every reason to just chuck it straight out the window. I'm so annoyed right now. Why can't technology just know not to cock up. Why can't it fix itself? I've tried everything I can think of and because I don't have a basic degree knowledge of an OS then basically what I've just done is piss in the wind. I'm so over today. It was such a great day till a few hours ago and now I'm just sitting here with a great big pit in my stomach and an ever present hate for the world. Haha I'm always in the best of spirits just before my birthday, this year clearly seems to be no different.

Adjustments, they need to be constructed.

...

You'd assume I'd be more put out. There was hope on your shoulders, there was genuine belief that maybe you'd step out as one of the truly better ones. Well let me not get ahead of myself and say you won't, some of the best have had a shaky start and years down the line I've had nothing but good words to say about them.

It's not so much what you did. We all do that, I mean I've done it so many times before that it doesn't even register. It's that you had to choose that moment, that situation and that person to go and drop a rung. That was the only slap in the face. I like to think I make enough of an impact that dropping low would be seen as something forbidden to do but obviously something must be a bit off if both times I've tried to take someone on, they've gone and shafted me with some run of the mill retrobate. Flip, I need to pull up my socks here clearly.

I've said I've not changed, that much is true. It's a speed wobble in something that was for the most part, interesting enough to see through. I still have every intention of doing so, I'm not at all too phased but now there's a slightly different taste in my mouth. Let's see what goes.

Post Title

It's my second friday night packed tightly into the confines of my bedroom, suffocated by reams and reams of printed paper. I've read up on the history of the world at least three times over in the space of eternity and I still haven't gotten close to half way to where I'm supposed to be. Brilliant way to spend the night, right?

Sometimes I realise that I've bitten off much more than I can chew in terms of trying to do first year history in the space of 10 weeks. Better people than I have come crashing down from their high horses and have been made to chew on pure dirt by trying to do this in the normal space of a year. I genuinely must be insane. I can't seem to remember what it was that made me think that I could take this on. What was going through my head that morning when I woke up and said, "You know what, let me take on this ridiculous workload." I was a chump.

I think I did this because if I'm very honest, I've been frustrated. My level of performance has dipped so below par lately that I kind of feel like I need to open myself up again to a world of insane challenges. I haven't had anything exciting to do in a long time and it's made me feel like I'm not moving forwards at all. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Every day is the same routine, wake up and be brilliant in a world of mediocre fishes and then go to bed and seethe at the lack of stimulation around. It's like a cesspit of dead ambition out there and what bothers me most is that it feels like it's all coming from me. I mean I've only just recently made up my mind that I want to go to Rhodes and that's why I'm punishing myself so much. I've spent too long sitting being indecisive and now that I've made up my mind, why am I complaining?

Haha, right now I'd kick to just be out with mates, away from all these books, away from all the feelings of blockheadedness. Tomorrow I need to flourish or I'll blow up.

The Present - Bloc Party

If you're cold and you're alone
And you don't know where to go
You can call me anytime
Nothing's changed
I am still here

If you're running out of breath
And your building's burning down
You can jump
I will catch you
Nothing's changed
I am still here

With heavy hands and an absent mind
Did I blow your candle out?
With shortened words and a lack of time
Am I ever on your mind?

Was I cruel and never there?
Nothing to rely on
Was our romance a black hole?
You kept the better half than me

Well if you really wanted to know
Well no the earth's not moved for me since
I wish I could've given you lightness
The lightness that you deserve

And they say time is a healer
And time will look after you
I can't wait
I can't wait
I can't wait
I can't wait

Come over
Come over
Come over
Come over

Why don't you come over?
Why don't you come over?
Why don't you come over?
Why don't you come over?

Well if you really wanted to know
Well no the earth's not moved for me since
I wish I could've given you lightness
The lightness that you deserve

And they say time is a healer
And time will look after you
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Come over

And I stole you that ring
'Cause I wanted you to have it
And it wasn't about me, I just wanted you to have it
Your smile, baby your smile, baby I come alive

And I stole you that ring
'Cause I wanted you to have it
And it wasn't about me, I just wanted you to have it
Your smile, baby your smile, baby I come alive

I feel so naked, like before we met
Last night I was so close to just calling you up
They say it takes time to heal the wounds
I can't wait, I can't wait
Come over.

Arctic Monkeys said snap out of it.

YOU BE TRIPPIN'

I wish I understood the female mind sometimes. I was speaking to my mate a few weekends ago and he was talking about the girl he was vibing with. She's a great girl and what not and for me, she had the most epic house in the world. Her mom's interior decor game was sitting on God-Mode. It's like what I imagined my house to be like if I lived in Durban with my artistic young wife. (I don't know much else about her so all I have to judge on is her living room). Anyway, he was saying how one minute she'd been blowing hotter than the midday sun and next thing she had frozen him out like it was an all new ice age. It doesn't make sense. I mean, why can't words be exchanged to establish what's happening instead of expecting the hardest game of charades ever? I know it's hard sometimes to say what you mean. There's always that fear of what you're saying not being agreed with or whatever but hey, it has to happen. We're all older than 12, we have a basic command of language.

I had a great night with you. I'm 100% glad I let myself be talked into coming out. The problem with drinking for Dutch Courage is that the next step from there is Dutch Dickhead and I'm pretty certain your friends felt that full force. I fell jackshit for having come and stolen you from them. I mean you've got to understand that this was something that was a while in the making and situations like those don't just throw themselves in your lap so easily hence I took it, and you, with two hands. Under normal circumstances I'd apologise the next day but I think there's just things here that I can't readily let slide yet. It was great. I hope you thought it was great because I did. I especially loved the part where you pushed a defenceless dog into the pool and I had to save it. That made me feel manly. I don't know why but it feels like I'm meant to impress you. Let me not say meant, I feel like I should. Call it my over inflated ego or something else but I guess it kinda stems from your whole situation and stuff, I wanna be here for you, to help take your mind off things and ease you into a place where you're more comfortable and confident as a person. Yes I know I don't quite remember what everything I said, not many people ever do but I do know I said a lot of things that were, honest, for lack of a better word. I'm as transparent as the Ocean's piss when it comes to you which I guess is ok and stuff but that's not me. I'm usually closed off and it doesn't take much to have me shut off completely.

That's the thing. I woke up the next morning and you were speaking to me still so I couldn't have shoved my foot so badly down my throat then, but I don't know, today was strange. I was caught off guard. Yeah I had a crappy day regardless but I mean, yeah. I'm not expecting anything major out of just one night of hanging out. We're not promised to be bethrode or anything. For all I know it could've just been a nice one night hook up and if that's the case then I'm complete chillos too but if not, then I don't know that. You're still finding your feet and I'm not about to try sweep you off them before you even find them or anything like that. Just talk to me, you know. I know you're also in a bit of limbo right now, it's expected but this is easily fixable with just the use of words. Speak to me, I don't bite when I'm sober.

Next.

When you meet someone, wouldn't it be great to kind of learn all there is to know about them? If someone walked into the room and a little pop up appeared above their head as you weighed up your interest towards them. Things like: Name, age, location, number of people in family and three other facts about them and a straight tripping one to close it off. Kinda like the pop up you get on Next. Wouldn't it be great to know all there is about another person.

I don't know though. I mean ideally it would be excellent to be on the same page with someone but mystery is often so much more intriguing. If I didn't have to search for the answers to some things then I would never really take much interest in them. If I had all the knowledge I wanted at  my doorstep then I would never leave the house. I doubt I'd try so hard to get to know and understand people if it was all given to me. I've met so truly great characters and it's taken time to get to this point and it's been worth it because I understand so much more about it.

I'd also hate it if that happened. At the end of the day I am a bit of a private person. Sure I devulge some of my innermost feelings and ideas onto this silly little page on the internet for all to see and stuff but truthfully speaking, I still keep a lot cards to my chest. Often not out of choice or anything, mainly it's because the time for all of that has passed. You gather all your info at a young age and then kind of start adding substance to it as you grow. If you weren't there when I was young then unlucks bud. I'm a lot less interesting than people would assume so I'm not about to ruin that by giving it all away.

When you meet someone, it would be terrible to learn all there is to know about them.

D'ya Know How Weird This All Can Be Sometimes?

I've written this post about 100 times since opening this thing.

D'ya know how weird this all can be sometimes? I'm not a character who likes to count their chickens before they hatch. I'll be poes optimistic and such things but I try my level best not to jump the gun. Sometimes it can be that I end up not even starting, that's how not into looking foolish I can be. This weekend I was in the land of milk and honies. I was zoned in like a cruise missle. I had everything set, I smelt as great as expensive whiskey and leather bound books. I'd even bothered to wear clothes that kinda worked together; all in all I was in it to kill it. The funny thing is though, the only thing I killed was my pocket.

When you called me, when I was in line, that was sneaky. Haha it broke my resolve. I've often told myself that I didn't really need to pull because I had something else occupying my mind and for the most part it's worked. I've been king of dry for long but these past few weeks I've been questioning myself. Why am I keeping myself when there was this giant barrier between me and what I was keeping myself for, you know? It didn't make sense. When that was suddenly moved, I figured well then it's all been worth it because now it made sense again. But no. Just because that's not there anymore, doesn't mean that everything is hunky dory. If anything, shit just got real. Now with no barrier in between, it was finally beginning and that means that there's so much more at stake. With this thinking I kinda figured that it was imperative I pull. I can't just suddenly assume I had an automatic in. These things take time and I of all people know what it's like to need a transition period, so I wasn't gonna impose. I was gonna pull, give us a bit of time and then when it all had blown over, see what was what. I hate not being certain so that seemed the most logical step to me.

When you called I'd been mad psyched up and raring to go but after speaking to you it kinda made me go, ''Eh, what a strange cat.'' That's what I'd been working towards, this little drunken looney telling me stories about benches at odd hours. It was fantastic. Haha it blew my resolve wide open and I ended up being fully satisfied with just getting on with girls. We were gonna kick it the next day and the last thing I wanted to do before going into unfamiliar territory is going in with seemingly bad news. I don't know how you'd take it. For all I know you wouldn't give two flying tits and that would be cool, but there's also the chance that it would bother you and that's not something I was too hot on. I know it's a little gay and stuff but I don't care for judgements, I'm a flipping boss. Oh, there were a few girls that took my eye, some even very high up my hitlist but they paled in comparison. It was a strange moment for me and I don't know how I feel about  being such a girl about this all but it all seemed worth it the next day. I don't know if it was because I was still a little drunk, having only slept a few hours or if I was feeling the full effects of a shag rug but that little pink island on your floor was by far one of the best moments I've had in a very long time.

I'm not about to get ahead of myself here. I'm far from ever expecting anything grand still and lord knows there's still some time you need and you can have it all, every single ounce of it that you need because for me, until you come right, all I need is that shag rug.