3 o'clock on a monday morning

Im here lying in bed, I should be asleep. Any normal person would be out of it but not me, I've become a subject of my thoughts.

You come to mind. When I think of you, I think of you and I, I think of us.

I think of them, I think of him, I think of him and her, I think of her when she was with him, how she wanted so much from him when he was just himself.

I think her, I think of how even though she has no hold, she doesn't make you feel nice. But then I think of him, in some ways she is to you what he is to me in some cases although what I felt then has changed full circle to something else, there is some sorta resemblence. What annoys me is when its said they know how I feel about that. Maybe they know so points but really its alot more deep seeded than that. This here shall make me a better person in the end but for now it just feels so foreign.

Thats got me thinkin of them, sittin on the couch. Its got me thinkin of what they could've been, what they should've been and what they are now. I kinda wonder why it didnt play out but then I realize its exactly the same reason why all these other situations are like they are now.

I chuckle a bit as I think of him, the same him from just now but this time he's not with her. This time he is exactly what he was meant to be and all three of them had no clue. She on the one hand also wanted too much, he was willing to try, you cant fault him there but really its not enough. She wanted him in any way shape or form, acceptin him for what he gave out. Finally she came there with the thought of taking him and doing her will, little did she know that by doing so he would call her bluff and now she's lost face in my eyes anyway.

I also think of him. He who is a long sufferer to them. Plagued by their ways and yet since being free of her, has grown into something I admire. A beast of sorts on a mission, one where he has slain the demons from his past and I can only hope he carries on cuz its about time.

And now I think of her. Thanks to him I know what goes on. Him and I in that cupboard, he took a bullet for me that day, somethin I wont forget. I feel bad. I feel bad that under false pretences I now know what I wanted to know so long ago, all I want is to be told and yet it took such effort to get out what is so easy to say no matter the consequences that may follow. I know it means alot to me, maybe my actions weren't the right ones but now I have a trump card, its not easy trying to tame a dragon with some glowsticks. I guess in that we're so alike. So akin to each others thoughts that even when we're certain we still drag it out, not because we're stupid or anything but because we're driven by our egos. I like that.

Now Im thinkin about her, her and him. How he played a game so brilliant, so well thought out that she didnt know about what he did, neither did she and now if either were to really find out then Im more than positive he could worm his way out. A bit of a hero in my eyes but he chose the wrong subject.

I know this all makes no sense because this is what Im thinkin about but in actual fact it makes unbelievable sense. All of that is linked by one thing, crap I had the words but in basic form its all a big game. Its a game of wit and brain power, deceit and lies but its also about emotions, some thought and a bit of luck. To fully understand you'd have to be lying in bed at 3 in the morning kinda workin out the linking factor. We're generally not at a point where we can accept exactly what it is we're doing so we do what comes to mind and what comes to mind sometimes isn't the right thing.

So now I think of you again. Im thinkin about all this, all these thoughts, this theory and where in my mind you fit in. I chuckle again because its a scary place in this head. But the funny thing is, some people dont know about you and I. They say "I never expected that from you". And now Im thinkin about you and I speaking to her that night. She said something about how I said I wasn't sure what would happen if you weren't there because we'd spoken about it, she knew how I'd been before, she knew first hand what I could do with enough rope and yet after telling her how much I've been given, I think its safe to say she's suprised by what I've actually done with it. I can say now that you've taught me a thing or two. I know now about priorities and where my head is at in this game and for that I thank you. Haha now Im thinkin about my feelings for you. Thats for another post...