Msizi's Green.

"Msizi's jealous! Msizi's jealous! Msizi's jealous!"

I think now that I look back on it, I probably was jealous. Now jealousy, jealousy is a weakness. It is a green little vile emotion that is the cancer of all thought. Jealousy is one of the main reasons behind any person's downfall. I hate it with such a strong passion. I hate it, I hate it so god damn much that I literally give my mind a chinese burn each time it even tries to bring up that nauseating feeling. I try my hardest not to entertain such thoughts. I feel weak if I let my mind wander down the alluring trail of loathing. I just cannot justify feeling envious of another person when I think so highly of myself. Being jealous doesn't cut it.

I'll say it again, I think I was jealous. Now let me explain just why I felt this say, just so it can make sense to me, and to anyone that bothers to even read this. I don't like being outdone. I'm very competitive. It may not look like it, I may look like a chilled out kind of guy and usually I am, but I can't use lose. I know I don't put in all my efforts, it's my main back fall excuse which lets me feel okay if I don't really succeed but it is the main reason why I do tend to doubt myself. I doubt myself more than the average person really should. I know I'm capable of doing great things but I tend not to believe it because I'd hate to think what it would be like if I couldn't achieve them. I do everything with a little niggling doubt and that is the main driving force behind my every effort. I want to squish the doubt and use its blood to shine up my victories. Anyway this is besides the point. The other day I realised I had gone back on everything I'd said I'd do now that I was a single man. I'd fraternity with the ex, made happy faces and had even touched faces a couple of times. I had given too much thought to the idea of a new start at an old past and I had become foolish enough to get comfortable with the idea. I had sold myself out. Unbeknownst to me, something else was brewing on the other side that would really put a spanner in my works. There was another that coveted the one that I did. Now this character has been around for ages. He was known to me, and rather disliked by me, before we even split up. I didn't really take much notice of him because I was assured on more than one occasion that he was nothing more of a chancer and someone she'd never ever pursue - silly me. Anyway, before I even knew about this guy, there was another by the same name that was also trying his luck. Now she told me about this guy, she told me about how he'd taken her on a date and it had been lovely, all of this happening the day after we'd spent the day together. I didn't really mind all that because we're both single and single people go on dates, it's what they do. So anyway, I'm hearing stories going around and my head is in a bit of a state. I wasn't too sure whether to go through with the idea of trying to be with her again or to leave things as they were and cut ties completely, once and for all. And this is when the green monster started to rear his head..
Now I've always been on the back foot with this girl. Too much old school thinking going on in a world of new school endeavours, you get me deal. So I've always had a lot of hoops to jump through and I really didn't care about all that because I genuinely liked this bint. But now came this new guy that I assumed must've been taken in like prince charming on his white stallion, that had come to save the fair maiden from the black dragon that held her captive. I could imagine the towns people rejoicing over what they would undoubtedly call the dawn of a new age. This would be what they dreamed of and they would never again have to fake the smiles of those who secretly hated every single moment of it. Old school. So now I'm feeling a little self conscious and it's really starting to grate my mind. I've got lines from Trojan Horse by Bloc Party blaring in my mind, all like, "Tell me what the other's can do, that I cant?" It's not a good time in my head. My heart is weighed down heavy and I'm just short of both time and patience with everything. I just couldn't deal with myself. I hated me, and that wasn't good. I decided to seek counsel with my go-to. We spoke of my folly and I had to admit that I was taken for a fool by my twisted emotions. I always knew that they worked against me and I always have them in check, it's just that sometimes they surprise me and it usually happens so easily when dealing with this girl. It makes me sick. So anyway, I speak to a friend, she tells me she's seen her with another guy, the one who was around before we split, and he's the one who has taken all her time and attention. If I could relay the sense of relief I felt when I was told who it was, I don't think you'd believe me. You know when you think you've flunked a test, only to find out that you got one of the highest marks? You know when you lose your phone after a night out and you search your pockets like a crazed hamboner, only to find your friend had it all along? Do you know the sense of relief that comes from a period after a pregnancy scare? None of those could compare. None of them. I felt like I could finally breathe again. I felt like everything I once knew was back in its place. I wasn't out gun by a new and improved faceless figure that would come in and shame my name. I knew who he is. I knew his weaknesses and most importantly, I knew why. I don't care if he's taken up in arms and loved by all those around, fuck that. It would only go to prove that the old school was the one toeing the line and I don't really care because the line is already there. I was only worried about this faceless entity coming in and destroying everything I had ever worked for and for me to have never known where it was where I lacked. The fear of the unknown is biblical. We fear what we don't understand and that is what hinders us. It is what brings forth all the negatives that we see everyday and it is what cripples us.

I still went forward and told her how I felt. She told me to shit off and I was happy after that. I knew that I couldn't even begin to try and go back to a lifestyle I just couldn't stomach the thought of and the very fact that she was now with him, it made me nauseous. I can say that I'm not jealous, I feel relieved. I have no respect for the eejit and I feel feathers for the rest. I can compare the thought of them together to an annoying jack Russell. Kick it under the table and tell it to "fuckoffyouasshole", I'm trying to speak here.
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Msizi's Green.

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Opportunity Cost

The other day I was thinking about Slam Piece and his thing with that girl. Now they both aren't the two most visually appealing characters and yet they had a relationship going on. It got me thinking, which one of them settled?

I've been thinking about settling a lot lately. You hear and see it all the time. I'm sure we all have a friend who has been like, "I'm really into SoandSo but WhatsItsName really has been there and is nice and I'm just looking to be happy so I'll be with them". It makes sense if all you're looking for is someone to sit comfortably with by the fire and read magazines with but it doesn't sound exciting. Where is the excitement in forever knowing that you short changed yourself? I can't say I understand the phenonmenon. I look back at every girl I've had a relationship with and at some point in time, there was a drawing point that they had that I just could not make out on the faces of anyone else. People have been telling me to just up and find the closest thing to what I want but seeing as I haven't even found what I want, how am I meant to find the next best thing?

I don't see myself finding someone and shacking up for the sake of always having someone around. I'm a heavy affectionate person. I've discovered recently that I have these reserves of affection that I just need to get out of me and lately they've been dealt with by having a cuddle here and holding a hand there or a bit of kissing to pass the time. There hasn't been anything else to it besides the fact that I feel like being a little affectionate at the time. That may sound like normal human nature. People could argue and say "Well that's what hooking up is" but I don't see it that way. If I casually just hold your hand out of the blue, more often than not I'm just releasing my pent up affection. I'm not being some guy who's trying to get into your pants, I don't want us to date and play happy families, I just want to feel the heat of a palm on my own. I know it sounds weird and freakish but once you've felt the quiet calm that comes from that form of contentment, there really isnt much else that could trump that. I think that's what I'll always miss from any relationship I have, the quiet stillness of embrace.

Whabba Flubber

I was in the shower today, mans thinking chamber, and I came to a startling realisation.
I know I've been going on and on about relationships lately, to the point where it feels like they're all I see or think about but I haven't actually been able to make up my mind about them till now.

See, I have friends who are in relationships and I was in one not too long ago. I won't call any of them happy relationships, solely because I don't know what the daily runnings of them are like but from what I've seen, it all seems to be smiles and nauseating affection. I had a reasonably happy relationship. We did have our ups and downs as most people do but I do feel like it was good for the most part of it. I saw my ex the other day. When people found out about it, they asked the same questions like, 'Are you guys back together?' 'Does this mean you're working things out' and some of them were even weirded out by it all and a bit shunning. I see nothing wrong with socialising with an ex if the both of you can handle that level of maturity where you're no longer digging up things from the past that can be used to break each other down. There is none more powerful than a person who knows your past and is malevolent enough to use it against you.

After we'd seen each other, the ex tells me of some random date she went on. Now I've had my fair share of moments with the ladies as of late. I'm not suffering in any way and the last thing on my mind sometimes was her but after spending a bit of time together, I couldn't help but find it a little upsetting. I wasn't upset that she'd gone out with some guy and was seeing him again the next day, that didn't bother me because there is nothing holding her and I together, what bothered me was that I wasn't quite sure how to react to all that. I really don't have it in me to care about everyone's personal lives when I have such a jumbled up one of my own so really as to why I was told that, I do not know. But now I was sat with this imagery and I didn't quite know where it all fit in. It just swam around my head, poking it's head into every little corner of my mind that I was in, trying to lure me from my escape. I whacked it down beat it to a pulp but it kept coming back to life like a fiendish villain in one of my nightmares. I don't know if it was jealousy or something else but whatever it was that I was feeling, I really didn't like it.

So this afternoon I'm having a shower and my mind goes back to that thought and it finally hits me. I'm not the guy that is the safe bet. I don't have the qualities needed to be in the perfect relationship. I'm not about to call you babe and show you off to the world with my statuses full of hearts and kissy faces. I'm not going to spend every single waking moment with you and tell you how much my life would suck without you. That's not me. And that's not what I want. I'm the guy that will say yes to a little bit of risky actions because they're fun things to do. I'm the guy that will happily kick it with you because there's nothing better than being comfortable but with no strings attached. I'm the guy that you won't feel too compelled to bring home all the time because I'm not going to try very hard to get along with your family if they give me the cold shoulder. I'm the guy that just wants to have a little fun. I'm not built for a relationship and that's where I think I'm going to be for a while.

Don't get me wrong, I have had a few and I'm not against making full efforts to my commitment as a boyfriend but I will never ever be able to do it like someone who really thinks that the 'love' they feel is the be all and end all. I've felt what I think would be my best and most accurate description of love to date. I've cared for someone more than I care for myself and that for me is quite a big thing. I've had my brief stint with my co-pilot and once the plane crashed, I didn't want anymore anywhere else and I'm okay with that. I think relationships are a complete waste and that's because I came out unhappy with mine and I'll keep thinking that until my thinking is changed. I have nothing against people going into them, I just don't want to hear about it because I'm still knee deep in my own adventure.
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Gimmie My Juice Back

Do you ever feel like taking back pieces of you from people you don't like anymore? Rounding up all the little experiences you ever imparted on them and stick them into your rucksack and be off?

We all leave a mark on all the lives we come into contact with. I know lots of people who will always stand out in my life for what they've done and the things they've made me feel. The experiences I've shared with them will always be things I look back on as the years go by. I know that I've also had an impact on certain people as we mix together and in most part, I do hope it is for the best.

But there are those people who I've met before, interacted with and just felt like that portion of my life was bitterly wasted. I meet a lot of new people, it comes with work and usually that's okay. I usually never interact with these people for longer than a couple of minutes and after that they're gone and mostly forgotten. There are those though that I have to see more often. I was talking about the lady I used to work with at Vaughan's shop last year and how much she hated me. She really didnt like the very ground I walked on and she made no bones about it. On my last week of work, she went around counting down the days, saying how she couldn't wait till I was out. Now I don't really care much for people who dislike me, it really does nothing to me but it isn't often that it's so blatant. If I could, I would go back and 'unmeet' her. I cry for all those hours I wasted trying to get along with this person. I wish I could get back my kind words and good gestures. I know it isn't right to say things like this, you never take a gift back after giving it, but I do feel like it was so wasted now. I could have used those to much better effect on other people.

It got me thinking of all the people who I really feel cheated by. There are some characters that when I look back, I can see that my investment into them was wasted. I wish I could take back my experiences, I would love to recoup my time and effort. It kinda shits me off when I look back and see how much time I spent on people who came up to being a big fat naught in my day to day life. It's fine I guess because there really isn't anything I can do about it. We're all here to leave our mark on the world and I am no different. I hope there is joy in the memory of me but if it's all okay, I'd like the pieces of me back.

Truth Behind Fosters.

I found this little gem on Tumblr the other day. It really blew my mind.
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Sticky Note To The Pang

You know what I admire the most about you? I admire your braveness. Your ressilience. The way you're unafraid to get back onto that horse that bucked you off so hard that you damn near nearly shat your pants. I know I shouldn't really be writting a post that pays homage to the way you let yourself for the same things. I know I tell you that moving forward doesnt involve the things of the past but even I cant fault the way you take it all in your stride.

Im bitter. Im a mess. I dont even think I know quite what it is to really care for someone quite like how you've made it sound. Obviously I've had my run ins with the silent killer. The idyllic mess that is love and I know what it can do. But where you and I differ is that I see it as a weakness. I see it as a disgusting smear on my psyche. I would be the first to let it all wash out just so I can deal with some other crap. I love being able to look back and see the progress I've made and for a long time that involved not going back to a state of mind that I knew. You on the other hand, you seem to almost crave it. If I had half of the courage and strength needed to invest in something new that you sem to have in bucketfuls, I'd be on some other shit right now. I know you're fragile. I know it all cuts deep. I know when it hits home, it hits like a steam train in full force but somehow it seems to all be in your stride. You're one crazy bitch, and that makes me feel better.

Would I compare thee to a summers day? No, I hate summer. You're like my computer keyboard. You're a boon to my existence. A lost little nutter that packs a dollop and a listening ear that has been chewed but never disappears.

Well done Hayden, you can stay...

Those Dreams.

Let's write about a love lost. A time where grey is the only colour we know. Let's speak of the past. A time where we didn't know all of this. Let's surround ourselves with people that tell us we should know better. Because we seem to can't think for ourselves.

Why do we entertain the thoughts that bring the sleepless nights? Why do we let ourselves fall under the same traps? Why are we slaves under the yolk of not forgetting? We've seen it all before. We try build a new picture with the same puzzle pieces, hoping that the picture will change this time, only just this once.

We look for escape in the same tired ways we did when we came down this road before. We know these signs. We tripped over that curb many times before. There was a time where we said we would never miss the view but now we wear blinders as we walk out the door. Forget the fulfilment of the fleeting moment, the memories dont even last till the morning. The night's are short and the regrets last longer than the taste on the lips. We dont exist in a technicolour dream world. We live in a time where the fleeting is more important than the foundations we set.

We built a kingdom on promises and dreams, but in the back of our minds we knew that we had kept ourselves far from this shared vision. We were consumed on the surface by what we had before us, but we never lost sight of the solitary future we'd eventually face. Do we even realise how shallow all this is?

There is no change to the things we have seen others do before us. There is no change to the age old tradition of desertation. We venture forwards looking for what is hopefully a high that is better than first, but you never relive that moment ever again. Broken by the way we feel, we accept the fleeting moment of release that settling gives us. We know that it wont last. We know that it wont give us anything different to what we've been battling with but we settle, we settlie like it is the new change.

We're derailed. We left the tracks long before the sun came up. The hallucinations that were our happiness are like wisps of smoke in the twilight of morning. Fading. Fading. Fading.

'Love Your Neibour'

Wise words on a chair outside The Winston Pub.
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A pretty girl's shoes

There was this girl at Origin last night who looked really sad, confused my face but left me with the sight of her pretty shoes.
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Intimacy. Still the best album I've ever heard. Still has resonances outside of music for me. I could listen to it in its entirety all the time. If I was feeling a little unsure or if I was just feeling a little down, I'd put it on and feel the world slide into place. It captures the spark of relationship forming, all the way to the dying ember that it almost always ends up as. I would listen to it if I felt the need to escape the dilemmas of relationship life and it helped me through the tough decisions of decided to enter a union.

I love Ares. Ares to me, is the start. It is that build up of rebelliousness that brings two together. The moments where you both are on the edge. The common interests unite you, the excitement enthuses you. To me, it is the act of impressing. The whirlwind courtship that all teens dream of. The rebels against the cause. Love and angst sometimes walk hand in hand.

Mercury is that stage where you kinda start to think about things. The coming of realisation, and the confusion it brings. "This is not the time to start a new love" - they are the words everyone will eventually come to. We've all had the moments where we kinda sit and wonder if this the right thing. I've just come out of a relationship and Mercury rings true to me. I'm faced with all these decisions and all the choices, the planets don't align. It is biting your tongue, kind of unsure of the answer. "When I saw you last night, I wanted to say. Run away with me, away from these cynics. That this could be the start of, something truly real. But all that I could say was hey, was hey, was hey"

Halo was my first favourite from the album. Halo is desire. Halo is when I look at you. Halo is almost animalistic. It is open and gets right to the point. I remember looking at a girl and having the song going through my head as I looked at her. That was the greatest whirlwind romance. This song is a whirlwind. I love it's intensity and honesty.

Biko is a song about loss. I remember reading the lyrics to this song before I had the album and feeling really down. The song is about a lover that has cancer and is dying of it. It is a pleading. Biko is a term of endearment in Igbo, it's what you call your loved one. "If I could eat your cancer I would, but I cant" I've come close to breaking down whilst listening to this song, thinking of the possible loss of a loved one. "Don't you know that when you stand, you stand up for the both of us. Remember that when the darkness looms. every tear you shed is cleansing, taking the pain away from you. I left you blueberries in the fridge, the little things that I can do. I need you to be strong, for us." I later found out that blueberries have properties that can help fight against cancer. That right there almost broke me in half.

Trojan Horse, hahaha ahhh. Trojan Horse is that stage in the relationship where things start going down hill. "You used to take your watch off before we made love, you didn't want to share our time with anyone. You used to close your eyes when we kissed goodbye, you didn't want to see me draped in sadness." I know the Trojan Horse stage of the relationship pretty well i must say. It makes me laugh because when I felt that creeping up, I listened to the song and it never bothered me after that. What put me at wa the chorus, "You know I still adore you, but in a different kind of way. You know I still adore you, but things have gotten vague. Baby I don't ask for much but things have gotten convieninent. You know I still adore you, but things have kinda changed." I once sent a girl the lyrics to this song over a facebook message as my way of breaking up with it.

Signs is another sad song. It is basically the companion to Biko. It is the remembering of the lover that died. The first opening words are some of my favourite, "Two ravens in the old oak tree and, on for you and one for me and, blue bells in the late December, I see signs now all the time." The whole song to me is just a dreamy state of remembering. "I could sleep forever these days 'cause in my dreams I see you again. But this time fleshed out, fuller face, in your confirmation dress." "At your funeral I was so upset. In your life you were larger than this, statuesque." This song still haunts me. "I see signs now all the time, that you're not dead, you're sleeping. I believe in anything that brings you back home to me."

One Month Off, such a great song. "Seven years between us seems that all my friends were right. That we cant survive on your bedroom eyes and, a spanish guitar. When we started this it was paradise, not just Bethnal Green. And it's just not right, this waiting game, making a cuckold of me." I love this song. it is the stage of the relationship where all the trust seems to have disappeared. The end is nigh. The moment where your partner just doenst have the same eyes for you anymore. You sit asking questions of yourself. You wonder what going on but you're still willing to try make it work. I remember sitting in a room with a girl and having this unfold before me. The moments in relationships that seem to stress others usually make me laugh. "And it's just not like me to lash out but, enough is enough. Tell me what the others can do, that I cant. Translucent and sun-bleached skin, when did you get so LA? How can you desert me after all we've been through? Stuck on a dream that 'somewhere' is better, you'll be the one missing out." I've never been the most vocal about my feelings, not when the songs speak them so loudly already.

Zephyrus is a song I once had quoted to me. It is about trying to connect. The point where you both are kind of pulling away. Your interests are dividing you. "And all you said, in your quietest voice, was 'I needed you as much as they do." I had someone say something along those lines to me, I didn't understand it fully til I listened to this song. She just wanted to be part of me again. I was so caught up in so many other things that she felt neglected and until that moment, I was too blind to see. I really love this song, it has a special place in my heart.

Talons, one of my all time favourites. A song that I assume is about the realisation of the cancer? It is the moment of receiving the devastating news. "No bolt nor brick, nor crucifix can hold it back." The chorus is one of the best. "When it comes, it will feel like a kiss. Silent and velvet." It was my favourite of the album for a very long time and still is high up there.

Better Than Heaven. I'm at a loss for words with this one. The song just comes at me form every corner of the universe. "Never been a big fan of things, but I'm growing so fond of you" It is the unashamed addressing of an issue. The moments of spontaneity are gone, the staleness of repetition has set in and all that needed is the spark again. "You can use your hands for something, I'll take you further than the scholars can. Put down your books and modest me, heaven is here, where it needs to be." I remember thinking of the days where I'd see my girlfriend and we would have insane adventures. There was a time where I thought there were no ends to the kind of surprises this girl had to offer. She spoke to my every desire to be outside the box. The settling into a routine finally happened, I guess we just got too comfortable. I would listen to this song and miss those times.

Ion Square. This is the song of all songs when it comes to being fully satisfied in the relationship. Ion Square is the ultimate moment in the relationship. The moment of pure bliss and happiness, where everything just revolves around this person. You can't seem to think of a time when they weren't your be all and end all. "Ion Square, perspex swings. I breathe out, you breathe in." It is the dreamy understanding. I love this song considerably. "How we've come to depend on each other, till the end. The space between us has disappeared, you finish my, you finish my words for me." One of my favourite parts of this song is, "I remember how it began, so many great days in a row. Barefoot on Bishop's Gate, trying to find Blake's grave." It speaks to me. I yearn for an adventure where I feel myself warming up to this person beside me. I love the thought of these two people that have come to find each other in this way. "I carry your heart, here with me. I carry it in my heart". The whole song just makes me so happy. I want an Ion Square moment.

Letter To My Son. Hahaha now here is a song that carries so much weight. Basically it is a song about a guy that's overwhelmed by the fact that he is suddenly a father. It is the telling of how they got to that point and how she was so hard to resist but the outcome ultimately wasn't what he wanted. It opens with the line, "I found myself at the point where we kissed first. Overlooking the East London mosque." I remember sitting atop a rooftop with a girl, knowing full well that all the previous months of back and forths had finally lead to this moment, I had those words ringing through my ears. "They said, you can't go around breaking young girl's hearts. I said, keep it casual, easy thing." I would often go over those words in my head when dealing with her, it always made me feel more disjointed and thus I never felt like I was ever going to get burnt. This song has so many gems in it. "See what trouble we could both cause, by the bedroom door, the kitchen floor. Oh Marlena I'm too young, to be the father to our son." I sing those words loud all the time.

Your Visits Are Getting Shorter. This is another one of those songs that centres around the insecurities of a relationship. "Your visits are getting shorter, your heart is getting further from me. Your touch is getting colder, away somewhere you need to be. Boys on your left side, boys on your right. Boys from your maths class, who'll do anything you want." "Let's spend the whole day in bed then, cause if we don't you will want to leave. I try to hold something I can't ever keep." I think it's the perfect example. I love how the words ring true for so many people. You hear of the same concerns from basically everyone in a relationship.

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Durban Is Yours.

What are you doing for your city? When last did you stop to admire the place you call home? Durban is such a colourful and vibrant place. We all see cities around the world and long to go live there, but when last did you appreciate what this place had? Forget for a moment just what's going on in this country, forget the politics and forget all your dramas. Taking a look at your surroundings, there's still so much more to see.

For the past couple of months I've had my Durban pride steadily climb higher and higher. I've always loved taking a walk through the city. The kind of chaos you see here doesn't work anywhere else. Johannesburg has it's fast paced vibe, like everyone is on speed and Cape Town flows like a sunday afternoon that's stretched a bit too long. Durban is the perfect mix. Every week I find myself somewhere in the city and kinda being amazed at just what's going on around me. Whether I'm sitting having lunch with a lovely lady or running around looking for some decent coffee, I never seem to get bored of what I see. There is a whole new life coming out of the city that everyone said was so sleepy.

Durban was the odd cousin that Joburg and Cape Town hated seeing at family reunions because he'd always want to tag along with them and really cramp their style - not anymore. I can almost feel the buzz of anticipation when I walk out the door. I can almost lick the greatness that's going to come at me when I turn the corner. I can faintly make out the taste of the adventure I'm about to gulp down.

I went to a restaurant called Market the other night and I was blown away. For someone who will have a meal almost anywhere, this was really stumbling across a gem. I had a lovely meal with some truly epic people, in a lovely atmosphere and that is the kinda thing we need. Cities are run by coffee shops and restaurants. If you go to a place that doesn't have the right kinda eating establishments, you're gonna have a bad time. Forget Spur, Wimpy, KFC and any other fast food place, proper coffee shops are what makes us tick. We're no longer living in a time where we go crazy for the American way, we do things our way. A beer at breakfast, eggs and bacon for lunch, we don't care. I love going to a place and being able to feel the kind of character that exists within those four walls. I love going out for drinks at a place where the management are the very same people that come and join you for a drink. I love the bonds created over breakfast the night after you went a little too much over the wagon. I love the little impromptu stages that crop up at night and the gigs we all go and see. I love the city around me.

I've barely touched the surface of the place that I call home. We've got quite a few messed up things going on in the world, but sometimes focussing on the city around you can be the greatest escape. I'm already on the prowl for my next venue for a coffee date and I'm glad to say there's still so much to see.
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Food for thought.

"One of the painful things about our time is that those who feel certainty are stupid, and those with any imagination and understanding are filled with doubt and indecision" - Bertrand Russell
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I'm having a Florence moment.

I first came across Florence Welch at a friends house. He was making fun of me because she was a redhead and I'd dated one before. I was adamant I didn't like this warbling wranger but when I started listening to her sing, I was so blown away.

Rabbit Heart was the song, I've loved her ever since.
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Florence, the lovely Welch

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Hey

Hi

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Little Smudgeon

I'm lying on my bed, watching my nephew play games on my computer. He kinda waltzes into my room, switches it on like he owns the place and starts busting out a Drake album like I'm in the mood to be hearing all that.

Now I do happen to listen to Drake, the album having been on my computer, but not often. When it comes to rap, or whatever it is that they call this new sound, I do it on the odd occasion, on the sly, under thick blankets late at night and after a few heavy drinks. It is my guilty pleasure. A little bit here and there, like a bit of chocolate. After a while it starts to burn holes in my ears and I find myself clawing for the safety that indie music brings. I told him that if he wants to sit in my room -something I don't let anyone do, especially when I'm home- he has to listen to good music. I started playing Four, I love Four. So does he apparently. He seems to know the words to So He Begins To Lie, a song we listened a lot to last week actually. When the power went out last week he followed me all around the house. All I wanted to do was lay down in my cave and listen to So He Begins To Lie. He was right there.

It's funny how being around people all the time can annoy me. I can turn into the world's greatest extrovert and the most introverted person, all at the flick of a fancy. I'm usually a general degree of vocal around people, but I do love being in my own head. I don't like it inside my head right now, but it's home and it just needs to be cleared up. There is so much clutter in there that I've had to hire someone to clean it up. They aren't doing so badly, but sometimes when a new cleaning services comes in, it takes them a little while to learn the ropes.

The little smudge is leaving my room now, Day Four blesses me.

Hello Owl

The Overflow

Don't you love how Florence depicts love? I love how she compares it to drowning. The thought of drowning is one that frightens me, and many other people but she makes it sound so romanctic.


Standing on the shore, it comes and softly swirls around your feet. Small tickles on your toes. You love the feeling. You find yourself wading in, deeper and deeper. You're so taken by it all. You get swept up in the current that is "love". It takes you along, the water is warm. It washes you out, away from the safety of the shore, you float on without a care. You cant see anything wrong with this scene. This is everything you ever wanted. You're floating on the might of something so large, something so magnificent, what could go wrong? The waves start to rise, you dont take any notice. The sky begins to darken, the water starts to grow colder. The waves, they rise. Your body, it starts to be moved around. There is no need to be alarmed, this is what you've always wanted. You begin to swim, hoping to find the calm. You start to tread water, things will come right. The waves, they frighten you. What was once a calm ocean has changed. What happened to it? It will consume you. The waves that wash over you, they tire you. You have been taken out. You are left stranded. The water pulls you down, your limbs too tired to fight. You have come to it now. You have met your end. The water takes you down, Love fills your lungs. The silent killer remains, idyllic on the surface. That's what the water gave me...

Durban's Crop.

The best thing about working at a live music venue definitely is being able to watch live music. We all have come across the debate that Durban doesn't have enough places to showcase talent, and some even going as far as saying Durban has no talent but those people clearly have never seen Fruit and Veggies play at Live before.

My first memory of Fruit and Veggies was a few years back when I saw them playing at Splashy Fen. I was walking along the camp sites with a friend, this girl with green hair riding on the bonnet of a car came past, looked me in the eye and told me to come watch a band at 17H00 that night, that was Purity. I first saw Purity at GMT a few weeks prior to that. I had a few Black Labels in my system, saw this girl with red hair and decided I was gonna go dance with her. Her was someone so freely flowing in that room that it was impossible to miss her. She had the kinda energy about her that made people take notice. I never got her name and really didn't think I would ever see her again and so she was forgotten. My friend's and I referred to her as Red Hair. To this day, I haven't had as much fun as I did that night with a complete stranger. Seeing her with green hair was just the icing on the cake, I was definitely going to watch this band they spoke of. We would go to see Green Hair. We all made our way to the main tent, beers in hand and waited for this band to come on. There were a few people gathering around and I can't really say I remember much that happened, besides the fact that I was sold on these people on stage. It was an early set and people were still getting themselves kitted up for the night to come but they played a set that would have me scouring around, trying to find their stuff wherever possible. I remember being a little brave after a few Labels later that night and speaking to Purity, she seemed to remember GMT which made me feel a little better but also quite embarrassed.

You can't speak of F&V without mentioning Loopy. Now there is a strange character that is of the top shelf. I also remember Loopy from my first Splashy experience, she was walking around and I was with some new-found friends who explained who she was and what her orientation was too. I remember watching her play the bass and being certain that that was one person who probably had no confinements. I cannot imagine the world throwing any form of constraint on Loopy. It's as if the normal rules don't apply.

Having worked at Live for a few months, I've gotten to see all the band members in their various state of inebriation and I've seen them play some truly electrifying sets. To me, they are Durban's favourite. They play with an energy that doesn't belong in the straight edge world we like to return to in the morning. They play from a place that doesn't have any worries, from a place that has seen so many red stamped letters but couldn't care for crap because they're doing what they love. You see so many bands playing with this kind of invisible monkey on their back. They try too hard to be crowd pleasers. They try too hard to be big top bands and they miss the mark by a mile and end up alienating the crowd. You don't get that from F&V. I still get excited every time I see them on the bill because I know a raucous party is about to come. Their new additions have taken them even higher than they were before. The last set they played at Live, which was for Riot Fest, completely blew me. It was as if I was listening to them with new ears. I don't know if they have a new sound or if I really hadn't payed enough attention before, but what they did on that stage was something else. I was completely mesmerised. I knew what they were capable of but I really wasn't expecting that. They didn't have Cameron with his mystic guitar shaman scissoring skills but Hezron and James combined to make some completely mind numbing sounds that made me do my knowing my knowing smile.

I've seen Bloc Party live, I have seen my most favourite band in the entire universe and nothing could ever compare to that. I have seen a lot more acts since then and this is the first time I've been impressed by any performance. I know they have a lot more energy than what they put on display, they had a short time to play and had to get to another show, but for me, they really did bring it.

Old Friend.

Hello my friend. We haven't spoken in quite a while now.

I call you friend but really are we friends? Do we still see eye to eye or have you just been killed from memory completely? I wouldn't say you aren't here. You're here more than ever. You've made your presence know and are still struggling to get recognition. I know you want me to regard you. I know you want me to see you, feel you and believe in you. I do see you, I do feel you and I believe in you to the extent where I am almost afraid of you.

You're destined for greatness, we all know this. You know it too but you have trouble believing it. I don't think you should worry, you've had this in the bag since you came about. You know I've never loved another like I love you. I've been here and there and I've felt what people had to offer and they felt what I had but none of it compared to what we share. Sure, some would say it's a bit weird that Im admitting to all this but I know you. You get so overwhelmed sometimes by things that you forget that you always have someone in your corner. I haven't left you, not for a second and I wont ever be. When we're together, working for the same goal, we really are an unstoppable team. I've seen so much of you lately that it seems like you hadn't gone anywhere but Im also afraid that something is gonna come up that will drive us apart again. Your questioning spirit is looking for answers I cant give right now and I really hope you stay around and figure things out. I know it frightens you, even if you wont admit it because I can feel it. Right now I know you're constantly seeing things that excite and make you second guess but all of which makes you so anxious.

Forget everything you're hearing around you. Forget the worries, forget the stress and just do what you're good at, do you. Your greatness is coming at a speed that is rapidly picking up pace. Try something out and stick to it for a change, I know you can do it and I'll try stick it through with you, we can do this together my old friend.

Stifled Verbosity

Vaguely remembering cues and time shifts that weren't there before.
Thinking about drivels and memories poured onto the floor.
Wonderings going on, we're stapled to the wall.
Your power is lost, Im forgetting it all.

I've walked through streets that I once called home
Im glad I came back, I'm here to regain my throne.
Forget me not you sweet little liar, together we walked
and we fought through the fire.

I knew your name even before you were called.
I knew our time would end before we were old.
When all the clocks on the wall counted down to zero,
thats when I knew I never wanted to be called your hero.

You turned away and I looked over you,
mind constructions kept my eyes pointed on the view.
On the ground, I called out my pleas.
They were wasted efforts, all lost on you, taken by the breeze...

Leaf Skeleton - Bloc Party

The journey starts
as all around a battle rages on
Arjuna seeks
He throws his bow and conch up to the sky
Open your eyes, it's all around you

The pain that you're feeling
goes some way to believing hope
The light from inside us
it goes on and on and on
on and on and on

It's in his hands
The glow of flame, the purest water
After he dies, he will rise on wings
of true, the truest love
open your eyes, it starts all over

The pain that you're feeling
Goes some way to believing hope
the light from inside us
Goes some way to define us all
the pain that you're feeling
Goes some way to believing joy

Can you see the pattern?
Why cant you see the pattern?

It's all around us

In The City

I went to see Bloc Party over the weekend.

I don't think it's necessary to explain just how much I love them because I think I've covered it enough before but to me, they are music. I left Durban at a time where it wasn't my favourite place. I'd just come off a week that was full of people trying to kill the music scene and then spent two days that brought the song 'Leave Before The Lights Come On' to life for me. It was safe to say that I needed time away from it all. I left late on thursday evening after so much red tape that I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever make it to Johannesburg. I saw a man get beaten up by bus drivers for questioning the safety of their operation and I was surrounded by the faces of many nervous people who didn't want to end up as another statistic, myself included. I was standing next to a guy and we got speaking about how little these people regarded us and we weren't quite sure whether to go through with this journey or to turn around now and live to see another day. Sa Roadlink, the cheap bastards, had sent in a bus from Joburg and were now attempting to send it straight out again with the same crew. That is how people end up getting killed. Fatigue is a killer.

After having my dad consult with the people and them finally changing the people around, we set off on our 8 hour journey. I had only one thing in mind and that was seeing Bloc Party perform the next evening and nothing was going to stop me. I'd chosen a night time journey hoping I'd get some sleep but I barely slept. The crackfoxes that were operating the whole thing kept up a bombardment of the loudest, most vile music that anyone could imagine. I had a man sitting behind me who I'm sure shot his own head off after listening to the same song on loop for an hour straight at 3 in the morning. I sent Roadlink a few tweets of complaint but I doubt the got them, the snives..

I got to Joburg at about 6 in the morning and waited for my dad's friend to come pick me up. I was falling asleep on my feet and so I decided to head off to Wimpy for some coffee. I was tempted to order a Vanilla Latte with a shot of espresso on the side - it's funny how the little things come back to mind. I ended up settling for a cappuccino, I wasnt about to relive that right now. I got a call from my dad's mate, him telling me he couldn't quite make it to come pick me up and if i could make my way down to his place.

See Im not really that against making a bit of a solo mission, I did just travel to Joburg on my own, but I was a little apprehensive to go through this city I knew little about. I'd lived in joburg a few years back but that was even before I started school. I had been up there a few times since, last year being the latest time but I'd never had to travel through on my own. He told me to take the train down to the station close to his house and he would come pick me up. I hate taking trains. I hate how slow they are. I hate how they follow the same unscenic route. I hate the scary look of the bridges and the stations and the areas around the train tracks. I have nightmares about those things. I dont take trains in Durban so how the hell was I gonna do it here? Park Station looks a lot better than the Durban equivalent I must say. I finally found the right platform and got onto the right train after ease dropping on the lady's conversation on how she was going to get on the same train heading in the way I was. I sat there trying to look as much like a local as I could, trying to blend in so not to draw any stares but it felt like everyone just knew that I was a fish out of water. After travelling for what seemed to be hours and coming across a man with a hairy growth on his face that showed me where to get off, i arrived. Unfortunately, it soon came to light that I didnt know what my dad's friend looked like and he didnt know what I looked like and we ended up walking in opposite directions for hours trying to find each other, phoning each other just relayed our frustrations.

I wont get into much about my stay except to say I have never felt such wonderful hospitality before. These were by far the nicest people I've ever dealt with. My dad's friend used to be a multi millionaire after inventing the speeding ticket system that ran in joburg and was doing really wel for himself till he was schnaaied out if it all by family members and basically lost everything. I had a nap and then I had to set off early because he was unable to take me due to another meeting he had to attend and I went off in a taxi to the city center. Ah I cannot begin to describe just how lost I felt. I was just sitting there going over travel instructions and hoping to get off at the right place and as soon as I got in, my mind went blank. Luckily I met a lady who happened to be going in a similar direction to me and she helped me out and pointed me off in the right direction. I came across some roads I remember from when I was last up there with Brandon and I finally found the place I was looking for.

I was an hour early and there were already a few people dotted around the gates. I was standing behind a group of university student who were talking about all the shows they'd been to and the music they liked and I was just so envious of them. I wish we got half the stuff they did out there. I got in after a while, made my way to buy the most

expensive beer ever in the world and then went off to the stage. I met some really cool people and I wont get into what we spoke about but for people i'd never met before, they really had some great words worth taking notice to. I watched Shadowclub really destroy and make us nice and wet and then I went off to hunt down Corinne and her posse. Haha ah now there was a mix of people.. I cannot begin to express just how thankful I was, having them there really made it and Corinne alone made my whole experience so I've decided Im gonna name something after her. I went home with sore stomach muscles from all the laughing all of them made me do. Die Antwoord weren't even thaaaaat bad but when the time came, I was ready for Bloc Party to mash me up.

Oh my tits. When they came on, I had my Origin eyes set on max to the point where they had to be renamed to Bloc Party eyes and saved as because the file was too big. I didnt stop smiling from ear to ear through out the whole set. When they played 3X3, I feasted on the delights of heaven. At one point I was standing beside Greg Carlin and Darren Leader, enjoying my all time favourite band with members of my favourite South African band. I then was next to an indian Luis Suarez who was totally in love with Banquet and so impressed by me knowing every song. He would ask me what the next song was as they played the intro and went crazy each time I got it.

I've barely touched on an experience that really was quite life changing. You get people claiming that all the time but I must say I feel completely different after it. I have felt absolute happiness and it's safe to say that nothing really will compare to that. Nothing bothers me in the slightest. I was sitting in the car on the way back to Durban thinking and come what may, I was not affected. I went to be last night finally having dealt with the inevitable and I felt the same way as about everything, "I've seen Bloc Party live, your argument is invalid."

Coconut Shy

If you cant laugh at yourself then you're giving everyone around you the permission to do it for you. I'm watching Submarine for the millionth time or close to it and I still have a huge laugh when I see just how much Oliver tries.

Being in a relationship is no easy game and for it's success, someone has to die. It takes a lot to get to the point where neither person feels like they're at a loss. it takes time. The patience level needed to wait through the time period it takes is not something everyone is blessed with. I love how Oliver takes everything into thought and kinda reckons that he has to find the answers for scenarios he thought up himself. He is the typical fairy in the relationship. The one who slaves away under the cracking whip and jumps to Jordana's every wish. It takes compromise to make it work and he has bent over backwards to please someone who hasn't spared it all much second thought.

I love this movie, it's quite entertaining. I dont feel anything much in the spine. I really cant think of the last time I felt the fizz of excitement. i haven't felt the challenge needed to see things through. It's like sitting on a rubber dingy on the ocean and letting the waves kinda make you sway back and forth. You speak words that sound hollow in your ears, you compromise yourself just to keep things in the clear, you don't know when the time is near but you know the shore is looming fast. I've set foot on shore and the it looks a lot different to the sights I saw out there. No one wants to sit in the dark, the pressure is far too great.

Im not mad. Im thankful. "You were crushing my face?" "Yeah, in a romantic way."

Greyscale

Rainy days are greyscale, cold and wet nightmares. Dreary days that leave your mind with nothing but faintly etched memories. They take away your plans and leave regrets and frustrations in their wake. They are juggernauts.

I love rainy days. I love the lack of expectation, the kind of thing you can work with and use to create something beautiful. I love how there is no limit to what the mind can come up with when the boundries are wound up so tight against the chest of creativity. I love the way that the room fizzes with small clouds of thought that only need a little effort to unlock. Many people complain when faced with a day they seem to think cant be used but they fail to see all the things before them that can be cherished. I would just as happily walk around outside on a day like this than I would on any other day. I love the fact that you can cover yourself and go out, sheltered within and still let the faintest of cold kinda tickle you, playing across the nape of your neck like a seductive lover

Who knows the limits we may reach but we know the means to achieve them.

Four

You know how they say that when you're happy you hear the music but when you're sad you hear the lyrics? What if every song we listened to was a basic instruction or a warning? What if the key to success was within the written words, the melodies and the hooks?

Now days the music that we're faced with is electro instrumental alien sounds that have no real words or just basic phrases. Listening to normally arranged music with a vocalist and people playing various instruments, we listen to the various sounds and sing along but how often do we listen? I've been listening to a lot of various music lately and I don't know whether it's because i just enjoy this band or what but I swear Bloc Party have seen the future. Im listening to Four at the moment, for probably the 127th time now and each time I swear they've stumbled upon the next 20 years. Whether it is the sound - which shall become the norm in the industry - or the lyrics - which many people will start mirroring - they seem to have struck a nerve in the world and in my head.

Nameless.

I've had a rough couple of weeks. Total mash up of things that just come at you at once, leaving you a little more down than the ones that came before. It's not often I find myself overwhelmed by something and it always is kinda foreign to me but I must say I feel as if Im in the clear once again.

We tend to take for granted the things we see and do in everyday life. We stick to our same old routines, barely deviating and once change comes along we grind to a stand still. The biggest threat to sanity is not being able to embrace the changes all around us. I dont think any person really wants change. We want a nice little bubble of constant goodness which is rarely every achieved and it is even more rare to keep it going.

I haven't been the most chilled character around for the last few months. A lot of things have been getting to me and generally I would shrug them off but lately with the constant turmoil that is my mind state, I've been letting my guard down and allowing things to seep in through the cracks. I've had moments where I lose total focus. I have been on mind missions that serve no other point than to confuse me even more and overshadow my clarity. I've said a lot of things I dont mean to a lot of people who dont need to hear them. I dont know where exactly I went off to but i know that it's about time I came back. If there is no yearly assessment then there is no progress. This time of year is where I come into my own and this is where it's going to count the most. i have before me a lot of challenges to get through with all this school stuff and it's gonna take a whole lot outta me than I once thought and so no better time than now to really screw my head on tight.

Inventors of Colour

Where do you go to see the sun
When was it that your world begun?
Who did you see in the night so cold
When the aches in your body made you feel so old

The blue ocean turned to gray
The rising sun heralds the coming of day
We were there. We came to see, and we called it fair.

Sepia chasms. Lights in the morning.
Rainbow tendrils. The glow adorning.
We spoke in vivid colours and sang in songs of tones,
Blue sighs, red shouts and velvet magenta moans.

We didn't know back then, but we were the creators of light.
We brought forth the imagery with our playful fights.
We are the guardians, we have been entrusted.
They found us in their reveries when the colours combusted.

Now they call me black and they call you white.
Mere shades to them, but in this world, we are the bringers of light.
Conscious of us in every hour. We are the Inventors of Colour.

Mental Adjustments

I was just thinking of the days when I was younger. Everyone wanted everyone's approval. Everyone wanted to fit into the same line of thinking as everyone. We all were people pleasers.We all go through that phase where we suddenly have the blinkers taken off of our eyes and we started seeing things for ourselves, doing things for ourselves, being ourselves.

There are many different characters out there but we all see that everyday anyway. Our world is a diverse melting pot of different people with different strengths and weaknesses. Finding where you fit in, in such a vast world has always been hard but it is even harder these days. Everyone wants to be someone in a world of nobodies. We all want to be seen as we see ourselves. We want to be taken seriously. We want to create our own niche. These days though it almost seems as if by trying to put ourselves out there, we are just being like everyone else. I dont like standing out like a sore thumb. I like being able to crawl into a corner and still have my own private world where in that space, I am who I am and not what the world sees of me. I cant say I am the same person all the time - that doesnt mean Im not being myself - I have my "settings" for my different surroundings. I am openly happy to engage this world and although I have my introverted side, many only know the extrovert. Being able to adapt is instinct. If you dont, you wont survive. We are constantly in a battle for survival, be it at school, work, at home, wherever. We dont want to die out in our various circles so we keep adapting to the changes around us. I've had to do it for so long that it has become second nature.

It's almost systematic in how it works. We all go through that "What The Fudge?!?" stage when faced with situations we aren't too familiar with. We tend to feel a little fearful, apprehensive, a little angry and confused. What makes the difference though is how we choose to go on from there. Our thought process is one of the most important things in that situation. If we resign ourselves to admitting defeat, we've gone and let the situation overwhelm us, we have not adapted. Rolling with the punches is a great little idiom because thats basically what you have to do, you have to take them on the chin with a stiff upper lip and weather it through.

The fun little journeys we take all start off in the mind. If it sits well in mine, it will sit well in front of me. In this mental dictatorship, only I have the answers for the questions I ask myself and for that I am grateful.

Social wars and improper standings.

Everywhere we look around us, we see people always trying to fit in. We all have different interests and tastes. We all have things that vibrate our souls and interest us. There are many things we could fall to, so what is it that makes us go in the directions we choose?

I like many things. I like things to be simple. I like things to follow my basic code of easy going nature and out of the way interests. I am the kind of person that will look at a box of cigarettes and wish I smoked just because the box looks cool. I'm the kinda person that will buy something in the shop just because it is cool at the time, even though it has little or no practical use to me. I don't like being tied down. I've come to realize that I really don't care for the conventional if my brain does not see a point in it. I used to be more tolerating. I used to find things easy to shrug off and people and their predjudices didn't bother me but lately I find that I can't stand judgement.

I know me saying all this is my own way of bringing out my own type of judgement and that makes me quite the hypocrit. I can't really say where I think my social standing is. I can't say I know just to which niche in society I subscribe too. I'm still a very angry teen. I'm very angry with the world and those in it but I still ignore it so it isn't like I've found my social platform.

There are so many different social circles out there and many people seem to have found their hiding holes. Im not really searching for one, I don't want to be in a pigeonhole. What I want right now is the next great adventure.

It came with a curse.

So I made a tit of myself hey? I mean let's be honest now, who would've thought. Definitely not me, clearly.

Derby Day after party is always a time of drunken debauchery but what happened to me cannot be classed as anything other than death. I've definitely been worse than that, I mean I don't find anything wrong with that. What has never happened though is that I have never been that way, so quick, in such a place with such people. Off the top of my head I mean I gotta say I owe my girlfriend the world's biggest apology and I mean I dodged a bullet, it was touch and go. I owe the world's second biggest apology to little Roma. My embarrasment is ten fold and I am never going to forgive myself for that one.

I will forever regard tequila as the satan of all drinks. I had heard stories and felt a few tickles but never like that, never was I the baobab.

"Bederf My"

I was speaking to some people the other day. Ok well I wasn't speaking to them, I was just listening to their conversation, sort of. So this girl was going on about how her boyfriend should be pampering her and attending to her every whim because as her boyfriend, it was his duty to do that and he wasn't doing it.

Now I was a little taken aback by this. I mean sure it is good to show the person you're with that you value them and giving them crap and what not is cool and everything but when I asked her when last she did something for him, she had no answer. Now I think that's wwrong. You can't expect to be treated like a queen if you're treating your boyfriend like your subject. Here is a guy who has just been slated as a terrible boyfriend for one small isolated incident and I can say right now that 90% of girls would agree with the silly notion being put across by this girl but I'm sorry, it's rubbish. I would understand if this guy never did anything for this girl but we've all heard the stories of how great it is when he does this and gives her that and doesn't forget another thing, we all know it's there. Why can't she show him the same love and respect he's shown her? I don't know who majority of girls think they are these days. Whether they think the world owes them things on a silver platter or if the rules don't apply to them but it's not so. You gotta give as good as you get and most of them are getting it quite well. They wonder why their boyfriend is making the googly eyes at someone else, why they'd rather be elsewhere as soon as is possible, why they never look back. It's because when they were there, they weren't treated like it was their place to be there.

They say it's the little things that count and these days I'm beginning to see it all over. Relationships involve two people and in such, they should be worked at by two people. Give as good as you get and don't expect to receive what you haven't given out.

They are the scourge.

I have posted about the swear words before, there is nothing more irritating, more defeating and downright mean than having to face reminders of someone you want to forget.

 Once something ends, that is how it should be. In a perfect world, an ending would stay dead and buried and the memories and feelings would be washed away into the dark abyss that nothing ever comes out of. if we could forget all that came before, all that stopped us from looking forwards, we would be better off. No one wants to hear the mention of the person they thought they once loved every time they turned around. no one wants to be suffocated by the harsh, bitter after taste of 'I Love You's they once used. no one wants to have smiling photos of a better time staring holes into their face. No one wants that. making these things is all good and fun, no one stops to think of how they can come back and bite you, and why would you? Who wants to live a sheltered life where they are always bottled up and one step away from walking out the door should anything threaten to burrow under the defences they put up? That is no way to live. That is no way to love.

 What people don't understand though is that once everything has been said and done, once all the feelings have been shoved back into your face with their trails of empty promises and broken jars of clay, no one wants to be reminded. Don't say the name that once brought sunshine to this place, it only brings rain now. Don't mention the antics of the one who wants promised heaven but now brings out the fiery depths of hell. Don't ask about they who said before everything happened that they were the one to put down your walls with you so you could put up a new one with them - granted you two did but along the way, somewhere in the building process, they added a hole they could use to slip out.

 There is a funny sadness to love, something bitter-sweet. Personally I'm a cat, albeit with a bit of a human tongue..

Old English Essay I never handed in.

"So you’ve been together for a while now which you thought was a great achievement but then she goes and drops a bomb on you – she’s moving in.

 No need to panic right? What could possibly go wrong? Well it’s not like your life will change drastically, I mean really it’s not like you valued your own space. So what if your friends can’t come over whenever they like now and what will it hurt if you can’t watch football all the time. You’ve been together for a bit of time and seeing her in the morning surely cannot be as scary as they say it is. You’re a man, you’ve fought off many a scary zombie on your Xbox and that hobo that lives down on Third Street has to be the most vile thing in the world, waking up to the face of your sweet petunia will be like heaven right?

Ok so there will be a few changes. You will have to do something women like to call, “buying groceries”. No right thinking man knows just what this all means. Apparently it involves buying food which is very easy – as men we love food so obviously this can’t be hard at all – but there is a twist. You can say goodbye to those lovely Woolworths TV dinners, you know what I’m talking about, that Mac and Cheese with bacon one. No more stocking the fridge full of beers because as they say, “Eating Is Cheating”. No more Space Crunchers, no more Saturn juice made from the many rings of Saturn. No. From now on you will have to buy weird things like uncooked pasta, those things they call vegetables, milk that comes in more than a liter, that voodoo witchcraft wizardry of Cherimoya. How can a fruit have the combined taste of apples and custard? This blows even my own mind! She will walk into your kitchen and ask about cutlery and crockery. What does that even mean!? Paper plates and paper cups seemed to be just fine when you lived alone and all the food you ate came in packaging that you could eat from and throw away afterwards so it never made any sense to go out and buy pots and pans and all the other machinery you’ve seen your mother use to torture food items into edible meals.

 I know you’re starting to feel a bit nervous but really the best thing to do right now is to relax. As a woman, she will probably only stay in the kitchen right? No. She’s a woman so she will poke her nose into every single corner of your place. Feel a bit nervous. She will go on a mission of discovery. She will go through everything of yours with a fine toothcomb. There will be no mystery left to you. After she sinks her claws into your place, you will become as normal as an orange. That Xbox you used to beat your friends into submission and showcase your mastery, well that’s gonna go. You can forget about having everything in one manly grey and chrome colour scheme. There will be mauve throw cushions which will definitely make you the butt of all the gay jokes down at the pub. There is nothing more frightening than walking into the bathroom and finding the sink looking like the display stand of a cosmetic store. These are things no man should ever be forced to deal with. The sheer volume of these things will shock and astound you. Having a heart attack is completely normal. Another annoying thing about having your girlfriend move in is just how much stuff she’ll be bringing. Her handbag alone contains more things than you have ever accumulated in your whole entire life! She will be moving in with everything, including the proverbial kitchen sink. She will bring things that are weird, things that will attach to things that attach to other things. Some will be slippery, some will be bone dry, some may even change form mid sentence to turn into a crazy Japanese folding flower garden. Women love having a nursery. They all assume that they have that maternal instinct and they use plants to practice. This makes no sense. How can having a plant be anything like having a baby? Plants are awesome! They don’t cry, you’ve never had to wake up in the middle of the night to water it. Children are like a lung with a mouth, all they do is scream.

 After a few days of living with you, your beloved will want you to prove your manliness by giving you a few DIY tasks. That cupboard above your sink, the one that you’ve stopped using because the door keeps falling off and hitting you on the head which sucks, she’ll want you to fix it. Obviously as a man you could fix it in a hot minute. You could do a job better than anyone else because you know this door, you know what it needs, you know what it takes and how long it will be which is why you’re too lazy to do it. She won’t understand that. She will do everything to get you to fix it. She will use flattery, girl’s think we’re so shallow. When that fails she will try her hand at bribery. Women are so good at that. No man can say no to a bit of bribery. Think of your favourite thing in the world, that lovely juicy steak fillet that you’re too lazy to make, she’ll use that against you. After you’ve gone and fallen for her tricks and fixed the door, don’t feel bad that you’re weak willed and are a shame to mankind because there is a way to get back at her. If I know women, which I do as an expert on all things on this planet, she will love jewellery. We all know the saying, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend because they can’t be friends with real people”. This is true. Women love them jewels. They love them more than anything else, including you at the best of times.

 These are only a few changes that you will go through. Do not for a second think that these are the only ones. I’ve gone and highlighted a few non serious ones that hopefully won’t leave you heading down to the cemetery to buy a plot for your old life. If all this frightens you then I have one simple solution. Surgery. Getting plastic surgery will be completely worth it and it has many positives, mainly being able to live the life you have so comfortably lead for so long. No guy wants to go through these changes because they are scarier than facing Satan himself. So what if you have to cough up a lot of money to change your looks and while you’re at it, leaving the country? It is all worth the effort."

A game of 'Are You Good Enough'

We play too many games. We play too many games hat have no point. We play too many games that have no victor.

I think it's a sad and funny state of affairs. So long we wish for the moments where we are finally set in and cosy and are content, but really, we're slowly ruining it. Once we become content, we become complacent and we begin to destroy what we helped build. I was content, for a long time. I was so happily content that it took me well over half a year to realize that I was on a collision course with destruction. It leads to boredom. I've been bored. The worst thing about being bored is that there is nothing you can do about it when you're the only one. I think I sit too much in merry go rounds that are out of synch. I'm never going in the right way and that has always worked for me and it still is, it just makes it a bit harder to get out of the rut when everyone is sticking into the groove.

I'm not bored. I'm frustrated. I need some spice and I'm trying to open up the gaps but the other side comes across a bit half arsed at times. Last night opened up a bit of old thinking that I don't even know why it was closed. I don't want to mess around. I'm not going to mess around. I know what I want and I'm going to get it, I'm done with the games. Xx

Woolworths Culture.

We've all been to Woolworths. It's seen as the fancy shopping option and they really drench it on you. When my dad is in charge of going shopping, he gets stuff from Wollworths. It's our Marks and Spencer, no one ever does their main shop there, you just go there for your bits.

I was in there the other day wanting to get lunch and I bought myself a club sandwich. Every single one on the rack had no price on it. They had the yellow tags but no price on them as if you're just meant to know how much it all costs and if you ask then you shouldn't be buying it. So anyway I get to the line to pay at the tills and I look down and mysteriously, my item now has a price printed on it. Now the way Woolworths sets their tills and queues up, you can't just easily turn around and put something back because one, you can't really go back and secondly, you'll feel like a knob putting it back, as if everyone is gonna judge you for being a cheap ass but the funny thing is, they're also thinking the same thing. No one goes to Woolworths with the intention of buying anything. They go there to make a statement, to make sure all the other housewives see them pushing their black trolleys and there is no bigger social death than putting something back on the shelves.

I spent close to R50 on a lunch that would've costed me just over R20 at Checkers or even cheaper at Pick and Pay but if I'm honest, I don't really mind. Well not now anyway after it's all over.

That was sucks.

So tonight hey... What a night.

We totalled my Ben Friend's car. Honest to steve that was the worst thing I've ever, ever have had happen and the worst thing I could ever imagine happening to my friends. What an event though. I understand now why they make a big deal about steering into a slide. Wet grass is the devil.

I seriously feel frikin terrible for Ben. The one thing we spoke about never ever wanting to happen and it goes and happens. We spoke of never ever wanting to total the unpredictable stallion and ironically we did. I was not ready to be facing my maker. I once wanted to die in a firey fireball backwards in an expensive supercar in germany but after that, I'm pretty sure I just wanna croak in my sleep at an old age hey.

I'm just glad we're all ok and can start moving on from this. What matters is our reaction from this and the best way I find, is to just move on. Dwelling on the negatives of this will only break us more. We learn now.

Pick n Choose

I just watched Chelsea vs Napoli in a Champions League game and it was seriously the best thing to happen since some other good thing happened to me that is of slightly less significance.

People who don't support a team will never understand what it's like to have your team pull off such brilliance. There is the on going debate about whether football should be supported and some say that it's lame and other's are very passionate about it. I'm not passionate about it all, only my team. Supporting a team is the same as having a liking for anything else. You will defend it to the hills and back, you will rejoice in the good and feel terrible in the bad, you will immerse yourself in all that happens and you will gloat like a muh'fuh'er when all goes well. I started supporting Chelsea nearly two years ago and as of late we've had a terrible run of results, and we recently fired our manager who was personally my favourite but now, after tonight's game I can say we're coming back. Winning 4-1 after being down 3-1 on aggregate honestly takes a lot. Many teams couldn't do it, it's just not easy. We came gun's blazing and I have never squirmed around so much during a game. I literally started off from couch, to on my feet, to rolling around on the floor.

I was speaking to a girl about having children and we were speaking about what team should children support. I know parents aren't mean to make that decision for their kids but let's face it, children are flipping stupid. I want my kids to either support my team or another neutral team, never their mothers'. I want there to be a bit of rivalry come game day. I want there to be bets flowing and screams and heartache and people to be made fun of. I want it. Choosing a team for your kids is almost as important as picking out what school they'll go to, it's a huge deal. I can foresee huge arguments in the house as my other half and I try decide what teams our kids should support. I will not have a United supporter in my house and I refuse for them to support Liverpool and grow up to be gang bangers and murderers. I will honestly not love them if they did. They would be dead to me. They would be the cause of their own father's heartache.

You can't go wrong with a London club i.e Chelsea or Tottenham. Forget the rest.

I plan to be a GJ

I plan to be a GJ. It isn't too different from being a DJ, in fact it really isn't except for the fact that I'll be doing it.

I've decided that for a period of 5 years somewhere in my life, I will be the world's largest Electro/Dub Pioneer DJ. This will really be my take on a musical scene I know nothing about and something that will be probably the most insane thing I've ever done. It will be my Joaquin Phoenix moment where I go out into the world, do something people would never associate me with and then bam, after a while, I quit. People won't know what's cutting. They'll be like, "We always thought you were into band music, what is this?" And I'll say, "Damn straight I'm into band music bitches, this is just another facet of me, my 'Alter Ego' my inside 'Nemesis', my 'Dirty South'.

It will be a very demanding period on me both physically and mentally. The 5 year part will be when I'm at my complete peak, the running up to that may take a little longer. Starting as soon as I finish my background research, I'm gonna start attacking the beats with an icy pick and I will be creating the harshest sounding beats this world's ears has ever heard. There will be a time where people will bleed, there will be a time of mass frenzy and people breaking down into drugged up erotic displays, this will be a shocking time period. I can't say I'm afraid, I can't say it is something I want to do forever, I can't say I will care too much about it all. All I can sat though is that once it all goes down, we're all gonna die.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Dear Emma Stubbs.

You're another story. Honest to God sometimes I don't get you at all. Sometimes I want to break you in half and set you on fire. I have never met someone I can like, love, adore and then hate all in the space of a few minutes. You know how to ruin my mood. You're the only person who really knows how to piss me off and often times you're the one person I've wanted to run over with a Rake. If I could I would climb into your brain and take a good dump all over the place just so you know how it feels.

Emma Stubbs. I have never loved another like you. Often times I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. I am yet to meet another that makes me feel the way you do. I know I never will. I will never meet another whom I am willing to make myself so open and vulnerable to. I will never come across another who will hold me in the same way you do. The things you do, ranging from cute to pure on stupid, all make me realize just how sold I am on you. I have had moments where I've seen you crying and been like, "This is my doll, I love her and I don't want her crying, please stop crying bint?" and then I would stop saying/doing what it was that was upsetting you and then make sure to try make you happy again. There have been those times where you've done something highly stupid and I've been like, "Who is this pillock and what are they doing next to me? Oh wait, this is my doll, best to hold her tight" and then just like that, it's ok that you're wearing your underwear over your head pretending to be a superhero.

I think the world of you. You're the best I've ever had and yes I'll admit, you're the most annoying at times but I know for a fact that I never ever make it easy to be with me (what fun would that be?) but the fact that you still are, even though you doubt your sanity sometimes means more to me than you'll ever know. I'll never admit to being lost without you, I'm not a prawn, but you know how I am without you, I don't like it. I know our Valentine's Day was a shambles, in fact it was the perfect Anti Valentine's Day ever. If we had broken up it would've been the funniest story ever but I'm glad we didn't, although I won't count my chickens before they hatch.

You're the best to ever happen to me and I love you to no avail, "uncontrollably" even. Happy messed up Valentine's Day you sexy bint.

From your 'Hunk'

We're Bitches

Breaking up with someone isn't all that hard really. All it takes is a simple, "Laka" and there you have it, a tie severed for what is hopefully forever.

It all isn't that hard. I've broken up with all my girlfriends as far as I can remember but one is in the grey area because we just kinda came to the mutual understanding that my infidelity kinda constitutes a break up and I didn't dispute that for crap. I think the only think that is ever an issue is the staying broken apart. For most it is very easy to not have to go back, in fact it is insulting and I can't see myself going back in time to relive anything that was because it died for a reason. I don't feel for any of my ex's as anything more as really cool friends and that is ok for me. I've seen a lot and also heard a lot about failed relationships and fail ex's that I really don't see it as anything so different anymore.

It was Valentine's Day and I can say that today isn't finished. It hasn't been resolved in a way where I can go to bed tonight feeling as if sleep will come to me. I feel like today was possibly the biggest waste in that I don't feel as if it did what it was supposed to. Today was a day meant to be forgotten, a day where I hoped to feel as if a gulf had been crossed over this sea of silly controversy and conformity. I came to realize sometime into the day that, "Hey, even though I think today is a bunch of sheep balls, I'm not the only one in this." I was like well if that is the case then best I hot foot and do some ground work. Unfortunately it didn't pan out as I had expected and to be honest I will admit to being a little upset but I was also chilled because there will come a time where I hit my romantic stride. I don't think any girl will understand just what it feels like to have their mates tune them about someone they're interested in. It is probably one of the worst things because not only does it make you feel like an absolute prawn, it makes you feel like a prawn. I think it is the best thing ever, I dish out abuse all the time and being someone with a girlfriend, I get it dealt a lot too. I have no problem with that, I encourage that but it makes having and maintaining a committed relationship easily one of the hardest things on God's Shiny Boy Earth. I have a mate who till this day, refuses to admit he loves that Blonde Vixen, the one with the BV. Another has some foreign ass waiting in the wings but also loves the queen. It is all harmless fun.

I'm in a better mood now. I'm still very Two Finger's In YOur Eyes sorta thing but I'm ace.

Old Dog, New Tricks.

So I've officially started school. I'm back into the education system and I'm now facing a whole new set of challenges which aren't too scary but they're intimidating nonetheless.

When I say intimidating what I really mean is that at the moment I don't have any idea where I stand at all so I have no way to evaluate myself. I feel and am pretty certain that I am firing a million leagues below par which for me is just not right. I'm frustrated. I know it's early days and this will be a much harder challenge than I had first believed but I know for a fact I can do it, I'm not doubting the fact I can, I'm just not sure when I'll finally get there. I'm feeling a lot like Fernando Torres. So much riding on this, eyes all over and you gotta perform or else you look silly and people start to wonder if you're worth your £50 million price tag. I know I am. I know I can pull back a few epic goals but right now I'm firing unbelievable misses. I know this is all a bit silly to say after only two days but I'm just not happy.

I must say though, the place isn't bad. I know of a lot of the people there, many I've seen on one night or another. They're a nice little eclectic mix of characters. Yeah it's not what I'm used to and at the moment I'm not the best person to be around a mix of different things going on but it's not so bad. I'm still in my phase where I sit back in the background and observe all the people around me but today I found I was adding my own two cents which surprised me, I guess the place has a way of sucking you out a lot faster than one would think.

I still don't know just what's going on, I'm basically just going with the flow and going through the motions till I see some form of structure, or get used to the fact there isn't and build my own which I undoubtedly will most likely have to do. I see nothing wrong with that, I just wish the cobwebs in my head would clear out.

We're playing with the same pack of cards.

A relationship, not easy for anyone, even so for me.

I like a placid environment. I like a place where all is well. I've oonly known one constant relationship and that is the one my parents have. I've never known them to ever have an argument where they couldn't resolve things out civilly. All ends before the sun goes down and anything else never lasts more than a few days. I hate not being able to make a carbon copy of that. I don't know much about relationships, I know less than the common person because they seem to fall in love with everyone they meet and I can happily say I've never had that situation before, I'm only zoned once. I envy them. Imagine being able to open yourself up so much that, being able to be so out there. Personally I think that would be stupid but only because I'm the kind that won't let a female within the length of my fingers because that's where they end.

I only love once and I'm still there, don't know what it's like anywhere but this place so really I can't comment on anything else. I'm still here stead fast and tunnel visioned. I know I personally may have had my moment but I think it's something that was gonna happen after the events of tonight. He's my Jasmin if you know what I mean, he gets my skin crawling, just because I'm sorry but I think he's a proper frikin idiot, he has my utter disgust sitting on his head. He has the respect of a blind and deaf retarded seal, he doesn't know where to draw the line and the only reason I know this is because you told me so really it should be no surprise having me react this way. I dislike this feeling, I don't like feeling like the only way for me to move on from this is to play as a leveler and after my sleep when I feel a lot less calm, I'll be embarrassed by all this but the sentiment remains. I'm still not impressed, not in the slightest and this is my documented review but I may feel differently in the morning, who knows.

I'm calling time on something so fickle, it's time for us to both grow up and get over ourselves and focus on the big picture. I hate us both.

The Phone Etiquette

I hate speaking to people over the phone, it's something quite evident in the way I never phone people. Wait, let me rephrase that, I hate speaking to people over the phone if I have to phone them.

The way I see it, if someone phones me then they wanted to have a conversation with me and so I assume the have something to say, have planned a conversation and so they'll entertain me. If not and we're reduced to awkward silences then it's only their own time their wasting and so have themselves to blame. I hate phoning people. I always worry that they're busy and I'll be phoning at the wrong time and I always think of what I'm gonna say before I do. I had to phone Taryn The School Lady the other day to sort out Friday and I'd planned everything I was gonna say and before I lost my nerve I dialled that number like a boss. As soon as I got a 'Hello' I went into my planned conversation. I did the hello's and the how are you's as politely as I possibly could and then dived into the heart of the matter, asking about whether I could come in and what time, the usual things. Half way through, she asks what I'm talking about, sounding all confused and so now I get confused, and she's like "Msizi what are you talking about?" It then clicks in my brain that I've gone and phoned little Taryn James and not Taryn The School Lady. Haha ah when I finally got it right, I nailed it to a T and it made me think. I was so absorbed in my set plan that I didn't even notice the little things like how she knew who I was without me saying my name, how familiar her voice sounded.

Haha there are those certain people I could speak to on the phone for hours and those that I can't wait for them to hang up. Speaking on the phone is a dying art and I'm not doing anything to help it out by getting nervous when I have to make any kinda call, but we're all different. 'Everyone to themselves.'