What do I think?

What do I think, as someone involved? Well I think that we're at a point where we're either calling everything off or we really try hard to make this thing work. I feel as if you're basically biding your time, slowly making our way to the point of a split. Personally that is the very last thing I want and if it comes to that, I can say with all honestly that I'll feel like the biggest tit to walk this planet. All I wanted was for this time to finally work and it has the potential to work against all odds but you're leaving me as cold as ice and so confused that I really think that you've already half stepped out the door.

We've been here before. We become super busy for a while and then all of the fighting starts, we stop communicating properly and in my case, I start going out more often just for a bit of a breather. I knew we were on the path to breaking up last time, I was already dealing with it before you said it and by the time it came, I was fine. I guess I'm at that point now too, if we get the axe then I'll hopefully come through scar free and I'd be lying if I said I was gonna keep things like last time. If we fail then I'm gone, that's me, gone for good. Not just as a boyfriend but as a person, I won't exist in your world at all because I can't deal with that, I don't want reminders of what we had and how we let it go down just like before, I'll feel too embarrassed to even admit to ever being here.

I don't want that to happen. We've failed before, we now have something to use to our advantage. We know where we went wrong last time and we can fix that, I hope. We're not stupid, we know what needs to be done but we're too stubborn to be fully understanding to really have an open conversation like we really should and that there will be our death. I know I've been very busy as of late and I'm very drained physically and mentally that it really takes it out of me to be dealing with everything at the rate it comes but I'm more than willing to if it means saving something I hold dear. I'm not gonna make any bones about it, I love you and having you as mine has made me happier than anything else ever has, I'm not going down quietly on this one. I'm not letting you get away with meagre explanations and I know you struggle at saying what you wanna say but if there is any chance of fixing this then you're gonna have to step up and I am more than willing to better myself because I'm as faulty as they flipping come. If you want time to go and find yourself again then be my guest, but I'm not sitting here drawing on walls.

We're not about to fail, I'm not accepting that.

You're a mute here.

This person writing this post is on breaking point. I'm flipping drained. I think if I could have my way, I'd pack it all in and live somewhere far away for a little while, I really need a break.

I'm caught up between a battle of female wills that are too overpowering for me. Sometimes I think people forget that behind this exterior of bravado and eagerness to please without missing a step, lies a little boy still very afraid of failure, still very inept at dealing with many of today's crisis. I'm only one man who is walking on razor blades pretty much everywhere. I juggle the gigantic demands and the incomprehensible fluctuations in moods at work, only to be faced with more afterwards. I hope for a little respite but only get more of a beating down on various fronts. I'm really tired of it. Should I even try to speak against it and it increases ten fold to the point where I just even regret being there, in that situation and thinking I had any form of a leg to stand on by opening my mouth. I feel like I'm being talked over constantly. I'm being pulled this way and that, I'm like a rag doll caught between a bunch of princesses at a birthday party.

I need a break. I need to get away from it all. I need to just go climb into a hole and not see daylight for a few days, just to recharge my batteries. I need some time in a scenic location where I can look out and marvel and be surrounded by something that is unchanging. I need stillness. I need the quiet of an untouched place, a place that hasn't lost it's way and is so content in itself that it makes you feel like that even if there's a faint glimmer of hope, it's worth it. I need a flipping dagwood. I pretty much live for the moments when I walk in to find my friends in their various forms of disrepair after a long night and I can just sit down and listen to their whines for a moment and forget mine. Throw my phone far from me and sink into their drunken reminiscence. Right now all I want is some peace, even for a second.

If you cant trust me, then what can you do?

I wish I could live up to this playboy moniker I seem to have thrust around my head. If I could pull off half the things you think I'm capable of then I would totally understand. Basically, you've gone and given me a slap in the face and a short leash.

I don't know why though, I mean if I wanted to be unfaithful, do you really think I'd go and ask you to see me and then do something like that? I don't know what it is you think of me, I'm still a little bit taken aback by all this. If you can't trust me then what can you do? At the moment I feel as if I'm walking on a slippery precipice, trying to navigate my way without slipping and falling. Little things keep trying to push me over and I'm really walking on razor blades at the moment, trying to be is inoffensive as possible cuz I know I'll get a grilling and a torrent of water works. It really drains a person when they always have to be looking over their back like they know something big could crop up behind them without warning and eat them. I'm trying to be as accommodating as possible and I really feel I've been doing things by the book but I seem to be lacking in areas and that's normal, I'll work on fixing that, I just wish what I thought you understood about how I feel for you would be enough to tide me over till I worked it all out.

So you called Ralph

So tonight was the celebrations of Ben's 18th. I think after a day like this, it was amazing. I had a flipping great day at work. i've worked out that I actually do dig my job now that it has been made to be a good place to be. Hitler hasn't been on my case, I've been included in everything and all is well.

So it turns out Ben is in love. He has been in love with Jasmin Larkan for years so I cant be tuned for crap by Haggard. He made a huge call to Ralph and in that moment he fell in love. Vomit free since 3 hours ago... I have work tomorrow and Im not looking forward to it, it will be good but we'll see how it goes. I get how it works for some people, we go as far as the limit takes us and then go to where we seem to push it and yes they may judge but we dont care. I speak crap to this girl about sign language!!!

Anyway, Ben I hate you happy birthday. I cant post anymore.

Lend them your eyes.

I think you were right. Well you were right, unless I'm just saying that cuz I've had it on my brain. You got it spot on when you said I'd go crazy from it all. I do feel a little out of synch with myself. Haha I've learnt a few lessons from you, you were funny. But basically I didn't listen, as always and now I find myself looking at life through someone else's eyes.

It's weird how I can feel empathy. Well empathy isn't weird at all, it's necessary if you want to be something that resembles a human, what's weird is the way that I feel it. These past few days I feel as if I've trekked side by side with you on this journey. I feel as if I was sitting in the shadows in the corners of the room, watching it all unfold, sitting there quietly watching this union implode on it's rickety legs and being unable to say a thing. Like one of those dreams where you scream your lungs out but you're on mute, it's a terrible feeling. What bugs me is that I can completely relate, from both sides. I know what it's like to be the characters in your story and I feel sorry for the both of you. You're working with what is basically something brilliant but you're on different ledges on the side of a massive mountain. I once tried to start something I wasn't sure I could finish and it ate me whole, flipping chewed me up sideways to the point where I was afraid and confused, something I don't like so I jumped shit, I ran as far away as I possibly could and I realize now that that was the most idiotic thing, but also the greatest because now I know my limits. I'm very ashamed of my little pussy moment and I cringe when I think of how much of a fool I was but on the flipside, I'm really happy I did that because if I hadn't, I wouldn't know what it is that I want and I wouldn't be with the person I'm with now.

Haha basically there is no shame in defeat. There is always a positive to any negative, you just gotta be able to sieve it out. I know you're broken in the head and don't know what's going on, you're a bit lost but there's that one eejit over there who's handing out your favourite chocolate in pudding form, saying, "Chill Kwagg".

Christmas Cheer

Christmas is coming up and everyone is all excited and full of good cheer, well they hopefully are. It's a good time of year and such, everyone gets a little more cash spending friendly and businesses make more cash, the muggers in the park get a better turn over and our stomachs get nice and fat, people throw presents around and such but the truth about this time of year is that it actually is a time to see who made it through the year.

So many people think about making plans for this time of year, months in advance but how many people really make it? Lot's of people die each day and some of them may have had many plans, looking forward to seeing family they've missed and looking forward to all the festivities but now they're a lot number in a cemetery. Death isn't the only thing that goes wrong though. Some may have planned to spend their holidays with their lovers but all of a sudden things changed and now they're the only ones pulling the crackers. I see this time of year as a countdown. It's like playing a game of survivor. You're trying to be the last man standing and once you've gone and done that, you make a point of notching it down by filling your gullet with all those tasties. New Years is no different. You get to Christmas and you think you've made it and then all of a sudden you get run over by a bus on your way home on boxing day. It sucks.

Basically we suck.

I worked it out the other day. I'm working with the relegation side. I'm working with the team that no one wants. The useless bottom of the log rubbish that can't keep a clean sheet or score a goal to save their lives. In soccer terms, I'm basically the Van Persie of what Arsenal were at Old Trafford. I'm part of a team with the effectiveness of cat crap. I hate having to admit to working with those I do. I hate how we're judged as one unit, one failing unit when it feels like I'm the only one doing anything.

Basically I work with Hitler and Himmler. Two very cruel people who thi
nk I'm their lap dog. I got so bummed when I realized I was working with the bottom of the log team and it annoys me how they don't see it. I'm flipping competitive and all I wanted was to be in the shop that beat the other one, whether it's in sales or just general running of the place but no, that's not the case. I'm basically stuck with two people who have an allergy to any form of work and a bitter distaste for anyone they see doing it, mainly me. Hitler seems to think that she's a better manager than the other lady, its crazy. I was very tired today and not in any mood to take crap and so I kept quiet as usual and mostly to myself and luckily I wasn't picked on that much. I think Hitler can tell I'm quite done with her crap. I've honestly had it with being picked on for everything and for picking up their slack. Today she was asleep on the chair behind the rails where no one can see, while there were many dishevelled clotes around. That annoyed me cuz I knew she wouldn't do anything about it. Himmler is the same, she sat on a chair pretty much all day, not stopping to think that she should also help out. I love it when I get sent up to the warehouse with a message cuz for a brief moment I'm away from those soul eating character wastes. I seriously have a black, bitter dislike for them, I'm really ashamed of it cuz you shouldn't really hate people but each time I try bring out the olive branch, they just use it to whip me on the back with it. It really is hard to try keep cheerful when they're breathing down your neck like that and now that there is less to do, there is nothing to keep me occupied and not much backed up work I could hide away in. I'm basically just there now to prove to myself that I can keep at something without bailing out after a short while, I'm proving a point. I'm no longer happy about having to wake up and go to work, the excitement has faded because it's not an environment I enjoy anymore. I'm basically just there waiting for the next thing I can be blamed for. I'm seriously fed up.

To get to top flight shop keeping, we need a squad rethink. The whole place has to be turned upside down, the manager has to rethink his tactics and look into the transfer market. I don't like to be on the losing team.

Glitch in the Matrix

So today I'm on my way home, walking along the street when I notice this delivery fan parked on the side of the road. It's nothing special or anything, just a bakery delivery van and I'm sure it's there all the time but today I made a point of noticing it. Anyway I carry on walking and I go into a shop, a few minutes later I come out and as I walk a few meters further on, I see the same van parked ahead of me. So now I'm like, "Ah, Deja Vu" but then I remembered something important, deja vu only happens when there's a glitch in the matrix. A glitch in the matrix, or the world we think we live in until we're unplugged, is when the computers that run us decide to change something with the program.

So now I'm walking along looking out for things that are outta the ordinary. First I notice the doors to the Moon Hotel were opened, the man who sells batteries everyday come rain or shine is now suddenly missing and the huge thing, the one thing I'm sure that was it, was that Armadillo Skins was back. I hadn't seen her in about 9 working days which is a flipping long time. I'd written her off completely, she'd left me high and dry and now she suddenly decided to return? What really annoyed me was that today was the one day I'd decided not to wear clodgers so I couldn't even impress her and make her beg me to take her back. I know she came back because she missed me, I could tell by the way she looked up when she saw me and that knowing smile but I was as cold as ice, a hear broken figure of my former self. I'm sure she was hoping to continue where we left off, me sitting besides her, looking out the window as if I was uninterested and her sitting staring straight ahead but both deep in tremulous thought. I bet she was hoping I'd notice her new jeans or the detailing on her yellow top or the fact that she didn't have her usual cover on her phone and that she'd changed her hairstyle and was using different clips to keep it all in tact. Well sorry for her but I didn't.

I'm stronger now, different, more mature. I wear clodgers now and I've had to endure so long without her that I barely noticed the giddy relief I felt. It'll take a lot more to win me over than a silly glitch.

Making Another Living

So today the boss came in. I could tell that he was coming in because there was a sudden flurry of activity that I'd never seen before. Seems like they were tipped off so they were cleaning racks and dusting around the shop, something that should be done all the time but is only done when they're actually told to. I was quite surprised at all this hard work till I found out much later what was going on and to be honest I was quite disappointed, I don't see why its so hard to do that everyday, it would be less of a job if it was maintained. I've tried myself but I got crucified to the point where I just gave up. I've been in the back going through the stock, I counted and out of the 9 or 10 so boxes we got yesterday, my counter part did 3 maximum in the time it took me to do the rest because she took lengthy mxit breaks and numerous long walks on the beach.

So anyway uVaughan came in and was in the back where I was and was asking why the summer stock wasn't on the rails and he was spun some useless story that we were still trying to get through these new boxes and we would continue with it. We've had over a flipping month and no matter how many times I asked when we were gonna get the old stuff moved, it still just sat there staring at me. So finally we get onto it but when I say we, I mean I'm working my asshole off getting these things down and packed whilst everyone is out on the floor laughing at how they were able to look busy enough till uVaughan came and left. So this lady just sits watching me work and says, "Just watching you do that is making me tired, I think I'll start tomorrow. " Like come on, why not just get on with it and flipping help me instead of asking me if it can be possible to love someone over mxit and I'm honestly not going to buy your flipping child clothes, I'm close to taking your face off and feeding it to mules.

"You know what I could use right now? A bed" WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE? You basically lifted a pair of pants and now you're tired? I was taught never to hate but my word...

Cry Wolf

I don't like it. I don't know why but it really bothers me. I've obviously grown soft because not too long ago I did something exactly like that. It may be the fact that I'm not the one in question or I may have grown suddenly soft in the core but it just doesn't sit well with me. I can't picture myself going out and doing that, especially openly to the jeering looks and sniggers of the general populace. Like imagine if I went and played around with Hamster meat?

Ok no I'm being a hypocrite because not so long ago I went and was lead astray. I ended up dating her but I mean it doesn't take away from the fact that it happened. Now I know exactly what happened, why it happened and really I'm not gonna be righteous and say it was wrong, well it was, but I'm not passing judgement. I think what really bothers me is that if it were me and I'd put up such huge efforts to go on and win the hearts of the public, then I'd make a point of keeping up the rep. I think that's one thing we're able to do, we're able to keep up appearances but really there' s a lot of vile crap going on behind closed doors.

That is just a little bit of what's been gnawing at my brain lately. I don't like my head, I don't like all these things suddenly being thrown at me that I have to deal with. You know, just random crap that comes out of the blue and then all of a suddem you're left gasping for air like a fish on a work bench. As exciting as things may be, I'm too old and too soft at the moment to be dealing with it. I think the times of old are long gone. There won't be a time where I'm seen with someone else without it raising concerns and comments. The freedom one once had has evaporated, there is a massive mismanagement of trust going on now days with us children and really we're the ones to blame.

There are gonna be a lot of bitter disappointments not too far from now and I'm sire as hell not getting involved in all that crap, I wear clodgers now, I don't care.

A glimpse into us

Novelism is my new calling.

I've decided that I'm going to release a book. It's not gonna be anything too special, it'll just be the greatest work of literacy this world has ever come to be blessed with. It will contain in it the answer to the most puzzling question in the world, it will have the answer to the meaning of life.

I was unaware as to just how much this world needs a book written by me until I'd actually gone and started writing it. The Chilling Spine Cord is the name I've schosen for it. It may make no sense and may have a supposed spelling error in the name but the thing is, most people won't even realize that when reading or saying the name and that goes to demonstrate a point I made a while ago that as an author, you can write anything and every person who reads it will interpret it in a different way. I'm not writing a story book to make everyone feel nice and fuzzy inside and it won't be a book to break you down either, it will flipping destroy your senses and sell them on the black market as ash trays to wealthy japanese businessmen.

I'm sure it'll be the begining of a series of books that I'll be making, a body of work that encapsulates the human psyche and brings it out in a way where it comes out unfiltered and as raw as it looks like inside our heads before we put our mental blinders on.

Someone will cry reading this book.

disclaimer

This gripping tale, this mind bending novel, has been written for the super intellectuals. This book is for the sorta people that understand the term, "Elk is moose backwards". This book has been written with no thought for those unable to use their brains in the sorta ways needed to garner up the levels of understanding only super computers are able to push out. All characters in this book were probably not based on anyone, I'm pretty sure I didn't do that intentionally although there may be similarities to people in real life. If you feel like it could be a reference or based on you then you're lying and just wanna feel special unless I said it was based on you then you're in luck, you're in a book.

This book is not meant to be duplicated unless obviously it was being printed to be published, then its ok. You can do orals and book studies on this book, its a real book so its chilled. Enjoy reading it. Read it to your kids, they'll grow up to be geniuses.

making a living

So I'm sitting here on this spinny chair, the perfect vantage point to look out for customers milling around, it also puts me close to the tills so I'm right there when they need me.

Today I've basically worked alone. The only time a customer was checked out by someone that wasn't me was when I was having my lunch. There was an attempted robbery on a factory just up the road from us and it must've scared the ladies or something cuz they've been hiding in the back of the shop where they can see when someone walks in but you can't see them, the perfect place to hide from would-be criminals and your boss if he thought about stopping by. It was the same thing last week saturday and nearly everyday since I've been here unless we get new stock, then it kinda looks like work is going on but really it's just me doing six boxes to their onee or something like that. The other day this lady got really lucky, she got to use our toilet and a 20% discount on clothes. After realizing she hadn't won any competition or anything, I figured out that she was just another of their many friends that drop by at various points. Danny the security guy is the only one I can say has done any consistent work since I've met him.

I'm turning into a Till God at this rate.
I love it when customers pay with the exact amount, especially in small notes cuz then we dont have to say goodbye to any money and we get change at the same time. I like friendly customers too. On Saturday I made at least 11 new friends and they were all just so nice. Today, not so much.

Sticky Pear

Where have I been this week? I dont know> My brain feels a little foggy lately, I dont know why but I've been battling bouts of high levels of annoyance. Well a major reason could be the fact that I soend most of my days with the most annoying characters known to man.

Im not one who often complains about the people who get to up my asshole but seriously Im so fed up with the ladies that think Im their little lap dog for bossing around. Like yesterday for example, I really didnt know what was cutting with the card machine, it was being all funky and you cant really state that as a reason to not understand something so I told her I really didnt know and added a very convincing shrug to put my point across as best I could with my little reigned face and cute little movements, you know? Well she went off at me for all of that and expected me to know why the thing wasn't working like I suddenly understood why it was being silly and I'd just gone and called her for the fun of it? really I hate having to go and ask them whats cutting with something all the time, its annoying and makes me feel silly but sometimes i really have to and they make a point of not telling me how to sort it out for myself, I think they like me going around speaking to them.

Well the lady spent the rest of the day doing crap all and I seriously manned that till on my ace for most of the morning, I think she was making a point of getting me to work like a slave because I was going home early. She gave me a bit of grief about that too.

Hit Or Miss

So today on my way home, we had a moment. See I was in the taxi, sitting in the back seat pushed up against the window whilst this huge concrete brick of a man made me as uncomfortable as possible by putting half of his already large body on my tiny Zimmerframe of a body. So anyway, we were just leaving town, going past a set of lights, all in the right when this car pulled out to turn, going across us at a 90 degree angle trying to squeeze through a space that didn't exist, making for a potential T-bone.

It's weird how they say everything goes slow in those situations. It's weird because it's true. I once read of a lady who just seconds before smashing into another car, thought about pretty much everything, even what she was gonna make for supper that night. I was sitting right at the back so I had a fairly decent view of everything going. In the split second or so it all took, in my head I'd already thought a million thoughts. First thing that came to mind was, "Will I get hurt?" The answer was no because we were going at a fairly slow pace, 60 at most and I was sitting at the back so I would be fine, the wall of bodies ahead of me would protect me if for some freakish chance something terrible did happen. The next was, "Will anyone I care for get hurt in this?" And the answer was, not really. See there is this girl, I've come across her 3 times now, she's fairly decent but what really takes the cake is that she's cute. The first time I saw her was last week and I was sitting in the seat behind the driver and she came and sat beside me, I did a quick look up and down and noticed something truly remarkable, she was wearing armadillo skins. Haha ah man when I saw those things I laughed. She's only the second person I've seen wear those and if I'm honest, they looked great on her and then to top it all off, she locked the door as we drove along which I just thought was too cute, hence her being cute. But anyway, I knew she'd be fine cuz she has armadillo skins so no one I was fond of would get hurt. Then I thought, "Will I have to pay for anything should we make contact?" Obviously I wouldn't, I'm just a passenger and anyway the other car is at fault. If I do get injured then I could claim from the Road Accident Fund though. So after all this has been processed, my brain turns around to me and says, "RAM HIM!!!" Haha seeing as I wouldn't be losing out in any way, I wanted this asshole to get what was coming to him, I wanted his little Corolla to catch a slap. It wouldn't have been anything hectic, a fender bender at most I'm sure but I wanted him to fell it. Unfortunately we braked in the nick of time, and so ended the most intense second of my life.

Its funny though because while everyone was a little worked up over that near miss, I was laughing at just how I reacted. Instead of screaming out and putting my hands in the air, I wanted a bit of action.

Unhappy gits on a plate

I was in deep thought today. Full, unadulterated deep thought, the stuff that Einstein used to do which is why he was one of the greatest minds on our planet. My deep thought was for a full ten minutes or so and I came to a startling conclusion.

People on diet have no sense of humour*. I've always known that people on diet are very unpleasant, really I'd rather have to deal with an old lady who has bitter hate for every living being than have to hold a twenty minute conversation with a dieter on anything. You can't say anything even approaching remotely funny, you won't even get a simple reaction. I've tried it out, I found some guinea pigs to test it out on and it's so true. It's as if cutting out certain foods also affects their funny part of the brain and I can see how that works. You see food is flipping amazing, it makes the world go round. If you're hungry, you tend to get grumpy, if you're unfulfilled, you tend to get grumpy, if you have to look at people enjoying luxurious foods you aren't allowed to, you're gonna get grumpy. Being constantly grumpy does nothing for you, it has a negative effect on your body and it tends to show, whether its stress, lack of sleep, wrinkles, gaining of weight, it just isn't good. So really there is no point being on diet and then give up half way cuz you're gaining weight, you're gaining weight because you can't even laugh at basic funny things like a man falling out a window onto a box of kittens, only to find they're fake kittens and it was all a hoax. Something like that would make your average human laugh and feel happy inside, not dieters though, they're too worried about the carrot up their ass.

This also brings me to Vegetarians. Those people, I don't understand either, seem to be a lot more happier even though they're crying on the inside. They know they gotta keep a brave face because they've come to learn in recent years that they're doing more damage than meat eaters. They're eating the plants animals need to eat so they aren't saving any animal there. They're taking away the things that help clean the environment so they aren't stopping any global warming, they're also aiding soil erosion, job losses, animal over population and inflation. We on the other hand do a lot to help out. I wouldn't survive as a Vege.

Now the scourge of the human race are Vegans. I can say hand on heart that I've never met a vegan I like. I've never seen a vegan smile either, and what do they have to smile about? They can't eat meat, animal products, anything that had a face or feelings so they really shouldn't eat plants and they can't eat anything an animal looked at. Like seriously, that's a flipping useless way to live. I know someone out there thinks they have a good reason to be a vegan but in the real worls, there really isn't.

So I think really I have the best diet/way of eating. I eat when I'm actually hungry and not to make a point. I eat enough for me and I eat things that make me happy. What else is there to food?

(This post does not apply to Jade Graham. She could survive off snail trail and dust and I'd still approve)

Im a japanese fairy

Today was a rough day. I think my poor brain just wanted to climb into a hole and not be disturbed, unfortunately that didn't happen. I had to deal with the customers to day as per usual and at one point I ended up making a cock up that just put me in a downward spiral. Ah I was gutted after that I won't lie to you ladies and gentlemen. See I'd entered in the wrong amount by mistake into the card machine, I wrote 155 instead of 115. It may not sound like much but its pretty much worse than killing the pope, as I was made to feel afterwards. When I do something I always underestimate myself, its how I stave off complacency. I tend to work myself into such a little tizzy sometimes that I have to take a moment just to laugh at how useless I can get, I've always done that. Like I know I'm no whizz at this operating shop thing, its my first time but I'm not a complete retard. Show me how to do these things, tell me where everything is, teach me how it all works and maybe you wouldn't have me having to ask so often, instead of just sending me daggers when I disturb your conversations to ask just how to do everyone's work.

Anyway I was quite put off having gone and messed up cuz I was really making good progress, I felt like I was close to being a shop keeping god or something now that I've retired as the kimbling god and only kimble to keep fit now days. It seems I've been in a bad mood of late. Nothing heavy, I've just been quite irritable so it was really good to just have it switched off but oh boy, I hate how everyone seems to have issues on the one day I choose not to deal with them. I don't want to hear about how your shoe broke or how your cat got chased up a tree. I don't care that you fell over and got an ouchie and your girlfriend didn't reply to your texts. I don't give a rats arse about how your bbm messages aren't going through and that you want to sue blackberry, this weekend I seriously don't give a crap.

And another thing. This blackberry issue. I honestly wasn't too put out by them being out of action. If anything, I quite enjoyed it. I could send and receive calls and sms'. I could listen to music, what more did I need? Sure I love the easy access I have to sending the girlfriend a message when I've gone and spent the whole day thinking about her but it made it more special having to wait so I could offload it in a big bundle, little by little, like an unending stream of piss. Really, having a dead bb allowed us to actually do stuff. I'm sure some people went outside for the first time, some might've even used pens. Some may have spoken to the people that live in their house and prepare their meals for the first time. We revived the acts of interpersonal communication, we made eye contact, we smoked a ham. So was it really so bad that they were offline?

Pierced your ears

Fluffy rabbits and twirly bits of glossy nectar. Really I love the way listening to music can really change a mood. I have those days where I'll listen to something and it won't do anything for me and then I have those days where I'll listen to something and it'll feel as if heaven itself is smiling down on me. I probably spend a large portion of my day with earphones on, whether I'm jchilling or walking the streets, I generally have a good little bit of ear porn going on. I love the moments when all feels well inside and nothing makes more sense than the song you're listening to. When your day has been crap, your dog died, you spilt mayonnaise all over yourself, your ex set fire to your family, you're broke with an intense hangover but you put on your earphones with the volume just right and track after track makes all the negativity just float away.

I woke up this morning not lus for anything. I wanted to curse the inventor of weekdays. I wanted the sun to go crawl up its own asshole and I wanted to shoot every 'TGIF' status I came across, I was a real sour. I got to work real early, an hour early, still wondering why I have no weekends but then I put on my selection of juicy jucies and I can say that from that moment on I was the happiest person on this earth. I know everyone was out at beaches and in the sunshine with their friends and I was in a cold dusty room sticking labels on clothes and laughing at people but I can tell you this, I was probably more at peace with the world than all of them combined. I haven't stopped smiling today, I can't be phased by anything today it seems and I love it, I love it so much.

I really just want this all to carry on. Zebra and Giraffe on sunday and I'm full to bursting with excitement, the music never ends

Awkward Turtle

So this morning on the way to work my dad was going on about how he wants me to go to that school place in Kloof, that same place I was considering and had nothing against.

So he then asks me why is it that I haven't started there and I said well its their baby and they must sort it out and he said he would, as soon as possible. Now there's nothing wrong with that, it makes me happy cuz I'm over all the crap. Now what makes it funny is that if anyone has been paying attention to the Msizi Saga's, you'll know why this could possibly be a bad idea, if you haven't then you're a git and owe me a million rand.

You see that place isn't huge, everyone from what I know is very tight knit there, me going there would make for a bit of an awkward situation cuz of the way my last relationship ended. For a few days after the break up I'd thought about how things would be like if I went there but then I was like, "You know what, I'm not going there for any social gains, I'm sorting my crap out and what happens during all that isn't of concern to me". I haven't had much against a little awkwardness, its always a little funny so really I'm not bothered if I go there and its as if the anti christ has walked into the little sleepy french village, really it means crap all to me. But really I'm probably getting way ahead of myself, I doubt I'll even be remembered and I'm not so important for the little younguns to even bother with me, I'm going for my own gains and not for anything else so really I highly doubt there would be any reason for any cringe worthy moments, we're all outta diapers, we know how to conduct ourselves, I hope...

Skip The Charades - Cold War Kids

You wait on letters
Fishing for any sign of life
Drinks after dinner
Your friends will get you to unwind

Let's skip the charades
Can we just speak plain?

I'm two left feet when
I'm home we tapdanced on broken glass
Somehow you manage
To keep your sense of humor in tact

Let's skip the charades
You're seeing right through me anyway
Can we just speak plain?
We're playing for the same team
But I'm the one that's acting like
Acting like
Acting like
I'm so strong
You're the one that's acting like
Acting like
Acting like
Nothing's wrong

You dodged the bullet
You do your best when you're busiest
You're disconnected
You can't find your name in the script

It was you who were wildest
It was you who floated above us all
I held on with wires
Will you come back down if I let you go?

Let's skip the charades
You're seeing right through me anyway
Can we just speak plain?
We're playing for the same team
But I'm the one that's acting like I'm so strong
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong
I'm the one that's acting like I'm so strong
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong

Can we skip the charades?
Just speak plain
Can we skip the charades?
Just speak plain
Can we skip the charades?
Just speak plain
Can we skip the charades?
Just speak plain

My fetish lives on

Well I just fell in love. Oh my word. I went for a little stroll during my lunch break to see the sights and ended up in this clothing shop which is kinda ironic. Anyway I was just walking through the isles, minding my own business when I saw her, my word she was beautiful.

She was just there, minding her own business when I almost ran into her. I haven't seen anything that beautiful since the one that got away and I think she just may have been better. I don't care which way your tastes go, your views would've been dealt a sever kick and reformed in line, I'm still in shock. I really didn't want to stare but I couldn't help it. I stood there like a creepy man just staring her down, imagining myself with her, imagining myself in her. I had to look away or I'd get too excited. I eventually couldn't help myself and before I knew it, my hand had drifted onto her and I was really copping a feel, hoping I'd get away with it. I got a bit lucky, she was playing hard to get so I really had to make my intentions know and after a while my hand was roaming her insides, just hoping for a sign of interest or anything I could work with. I could tell after a while that she was really digging me at this point and leaving with me is all she wanted to do and I wasn't gonna stop her. Eventually I couldn't find any so I took her with me to the clerk who told me that she costs a cool R600, and that's half price.

I didn't want to seem too dejected and so I made a promise to go back for her. If I live on bread and water alone, I'll have that jacket soon enough...

Silly little confuseds

I don't know if I'm the only one who's ever noticed this but girls (seeing as I'm a boy) tend to be more affectionate when saying their goodnights?

Like you'll be on your various social networking machine and you'll be speaking and then all of a sudden its "Goodnight dearest sugar lump my lovely honey bunch sweetheart muffin cake. I love you till the world ends and the oceans dry up" and you're like, well that's really sweet of you actually but why are you only saying this now you know, like what was wrong with just back then before you told me that stupid boring story I couldn't be bothered with? Haha and the other thing is, what do you say back? I think people stress too much with that and expect that they must send back long swooning messages of affection that will transport the reader to a world of lovely dreams of cascading happiness and unbridled humour. Well that would be nice but sometimes I find that a simple 'goodnight' would suffice.

Of course I'm not saying that I don't care much fir those messages, I do, they're lovely and I try be as interesting and as sweet as possible should it call for it, we all like that. Its just funny how it all comes up like that, cute even.

How Hard Can It Be?

Famous last words are those words said just before things go balls up and the brown stuff hits the revolving blades of a cooling unit. This week I've probably had the scenarios so many times.

Yesterday I started being a Cashier extrodinaire, well that's what I wanted to be. Turns out I'm just a pillock that gets easily flummoxed by lableless colours and clothe sizes. I really thought, "Well how hard can it be" you know, get the scanner and shoot the barcode and watch it all come up. Turns out that some of the things either come with no kimbles or haven't been changed. Why didn't they bring them to me? I'm a Kimbling god, I would've done all that stuff easle. I'm getting the hang of it a bit but I'm still working on it all, one less cock up a day and I'll be on form by next week. When it came to home time yesterday I thought, well how hard can it be to get home? Well it turns out its a frikin mission of note. I'd have to leave here as of last week if I want to get home within the day. At one point I was seriously considering buying a bicycle and being Kyle Dorkin but then I remembered that Kyle was born a bicycle so I was screwed.

The working saturdays thing really breaks my heart, I feel it jump into a deep chasm of despair when someone mentions the weekend, something I used to know... Anyway my pity party was yesterday and I need to chin up, at least there are plenty characters to play with in my mind.

Contentment

Everyone as far as I'm aware is on their 10 day school holiday period. I used to have those when I went to school, they didn't make much sense seeing as they were so short but when you're at school, they're better than heaven. I have work in the morning so I can't say I'm too moved by them.

I'm lying in bed listening to Cold War Kids' latest album and I must say, I'm very impressed. Haha this weekend has been good. It was very chilled but rather swell. The club opening on friday was a huge success, haha flip I'm pretty sure that if we'd gone and ordered conversations like that one Monty Python sketch, we would've racked a massive bill. I don't think there is anything that was ever thought up that wasn't discussed or maybe the wine induced haze just made it all seem that way. I woke up feeling not nice I won't lie, I caught every disease that morning and it felt like there was a mini jumble sale in my stomach.

On a completely unrelated side note to anything because now I've gone and lost my train of thought, 'Someone Like You' by Adele is actually quite an annoying song. If a girl saod something like that to me I'm pretty sure I'd look at them like a walrus contemplating something profound and then walk away. I don't know if you've ever seem a walrus do something like that but its such a mixed up face, like it wants to say something but can't find the words, like it wants to laugh but doesn't quite know wjy and where to begin. What is the point of replacing something with something not quite as great but similar? Maybe I'm not seeing the point here but I'm just not getting it. That whole album, no matter how great she is, is such a dirty stain to me. To someone like me it just leaves a dirty taste, like I can almost relate when I shouldn't, like I probably tasted it last night but I've gone and done so much in the time that I've forgotten. Haha maybe I'm just a softie but I don't like its message. I don't like albums about all those failings, it gets a bit pathetic.

Im finally happy

I've finally gotten this to work.. Ahh I've been fighting my phone from day one, the very first day we came to be, till just now. It seems that in my haste to acquire something that will give me the freedom needed to post at will, I happened to get the one phone that wouldn't let me. My dear Blackberry Missing Link wouldn't let me write anything. I could surf the internet, download music for hours on end, visit the best porn sites known to man, update my profile on Russian Wife finder.com but I just could not write a simple post. Now that seems quite silly to me. What's the point of having something that is basically a computer, that does everything except the one simple thing I actually want it to? I don't care that it beeps and bongs when I get messages and tells me when its being charged, when there is a storm coming or if I'm within range of nuclear reactors?

Anyway I've finally done my level of heroics to new heights and finally sorted it out, I now finally own a phone. Now I just need to get back into the swing of things...

Tester

Tester

Tested

Testee

Tester

Tested

Tester

Testee

Bold As Love - Jimi Hendrix

Anger he smiles tow'ring shiny metallic purple armour. Queen jealousy, envy waits behind him. Her fiery green gown sneers at the grassy ground. Blue are the life giving waters taking for granted, They quietly understand. Once happy turquoise armies lay opposite ready, But wonder why the fight is on. But they're all, bold as love. Yeah, they're all bold as love. Yeah, they're all bold as love. Just ask the Axis. [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/jimi+hendrix/bold+as+love_20071546.html ] My red is so confident he flashes trophies of war And ribbons of euphoria. Orange is young, full of daring but very unsteady for the first go 'round. My yellow in this case is no so mellow. In fact I'm trying to say it's frightened like me. And all of these emotions of mine keep holding me From giving my life to a rainbow like you. But I'm a yeah, I'm bold as love, Yeah yeah. Well, I'm bold, bold as love. Hear me talkin', girl. I'm bold as love. Just ask the Axis. He knows everything. Yeah, yeah.s love. Hear me talkin', girl. I'm bold as love. Just ask the Axis. He knows everything. Yeah, yeah.

So today I got the best news of a long time, Zebra and Giraffe are playing in Durban on the 9th of October and guess who'll be up front again? Last night I was in this pub and it was probably the coolest thing I've done on a monday night. I had my Label and looked around and was like, "This here isn't a bad way to spend a monday evening". I can't wait for the day where I can go out with my mates on a monday down to the pub to get a drink and watch the monday night football game. I'm getting a new addition to my 18 year old club in a few months and we'll be going to such places for games between our teams but like they're also quite cool to hang out in. Last time I was in a pub a few weeks ago I had a 42 year old lady suck out my belly button. That kinda thing doesn't happen at 2000 Tigers or Bonked Plaboys but I mean its not like you'll find a 42 year old there unless they're seriously lost or just looking to get arrested but I'd much rather run the risk of having my belly button raped than have to listen to doof doof music surrounded by pumped up guidos. I've wanted to go to a gig in so long and now that Greg and his mates are coming to play I'm all so amped. What we really need is a place for us normal humans who enjoy music to just hang out. I've never been to Unit 11 but I really wanna try it soon but really its the only place out there that is getting its name out and that is sad, we need more of those kinda places, live music isn't dead.s a place for us normal humans who enjoy music to just hang out. I've never been to Unit 11 but I really wanna try it soon but really its the only place out there that is getting its name out and that is sad, we need more of those kinda places, live music ist I mean its not like you'll find a 42 year old there unless they're seriously lost or just looking to get arrested but I'd much rather run the risk of having my belly button raped than have to listen to doof doof music surrounded by pumped up guidos. I've wanted to go to a gig in so long and now that Greg and his mates are coming to play I'm all so amped. What we really need is a place for us normal humans who enjoy music to just hang out. I've never been to Unit 11 but I really wanna try it soon but really its the only place out there that is getting its name out and that is sad, we need more of those kinda places, live music isn't dead.

Yes.

never forget to log out.

Trial and Error

Trial and error is a simple concept. You try something out and see if it works, if it fails, you try again until it does. It's simple to understand, very cavemanesque in its execution. I've been trying to post using my phone and it won't let me. I who was so excited to have a QWERTY keypad and constant access to my blog and have now been made to sit down hard on my ass. Turns out that it refuses to open up my posting screen. It lets me have a title but won't let me actually write a post. I'm not clued up enough to try edit anything to change this if it is in fact possible. I'm now trying to see if it'll let me post via my emails which also was a problem because on this phone I can receive and send emails at will, just not to my blog and I can't access Gmail in my web browser either because of some other drug related problem this phone has.

Anyway though, I've been toying with the thoughts of trial and error this week as I've been trying to do all my various things. It's funny how now days there seems to be this surge in judgement at various things. I find it very sad for those who are governed by the judgements of others. The other day Henderhead asked me who it was that I bitterly despised so much and after that was settled I started thinking about just why is it that I may hate another? See I only dislike this eejit because of the various run ins I and several others have had with them. But is that enough for me to feel this way? Like if you really think about it (and I know I'll hate myself for thinking this way because it's not often I'm genuinely unfriendly) they're just another human going through the various motions like the rest of us, they just haven't learnt how to deal with their closed minded problems like the rest of us. There are many things out there that I disagree with but I don't see it as my civic duty to go out there and belittle every one of them point blank with no thought or understanding. It pains me even more to see just how much ignorance and stupidity still sits amongst us. I mean we're meant to be a new generation of youths, the all accepting and understanding generation but some of us still have our heads so far up our asses, still so caught up in the thoughts and problems of our parents generation.

If you were to compare my upbringing to that of my father for instance, it'd be like trying to compare a brick to jupiter and you're like "I don't understand what that mean?!" That's how different the two are. My children's generation will be very different to mine as well and so the trend will continue much like it always has been. We're constantly moving forward and if some people still choose to be stuck in past then I'm sorry but you're only gonna get left behind...

"Real-ationship Estate"

Dear Msizi.

I've been dating this girl for 2 years now and everything has been great, she's really fantastic and I like her a lot, my problem is though, I think she wants us to move in together. My last girlfriend moved in with me after a year and a half and she knows this and I assume she wants to do the same seeing as how girls want to be treated equally. I dont know what to do, please help?


From Confused in Doncaster.

Dear Confused in Doncaster.


You have a very strange name, why did your parents call you that? Anyway, your problem is an easy one to fix. You see, you're committing a huge relationship wrong by assuming and generalizing, in fact, you're never ever meant to do that in life. I assume you know that as a person who has been around for many years now I never do such things and generally Im always right because of it. I assume that after dating this girl for 2 years, you'd have a general idea of how she takes things and how she reacts. The best thing to do would really be to just ask her how she feels about moving in together and not be a stupid git ny doing as your name says and confusing yourself.

 

The nose and mouth

Have you ever had the urge to bite into something because it smelt good? I have that all the time. When I was a little children, I used to enjoy the smell of Ingrams Camphor cream, so I used to eat it. I loved the smell of Vicks Vapour rub, so I used to eat it. I loved the smell of roses, so I used to eat them. All of those things I must say, taste like crap. If smell translated to taste then some things would be so much easier. If something smells good but tastes bad, does it stand to reason that poo could taste good? Someone should look into that and find out. I know a guy who'd be very happy if that were so.

Now Playing.

I've decided that an education is needed. An education into what Im listening to. I've put up song lyrics before but from now on Im gonna do it more often. Not because I've run out of things to write or anything, but because its about time I did that. Im tired of "Baby baby give it to me once, twice, thrice" being all over and my beloveds just sitting unnoticed.

Hello different

Have you ever tried to define yourself?

Over the years I've gone through my stages. I was once an OG with my baggy clothes, baseball cap and bling. I was a skater. I once bought a guitar, a few are sitting somewhere in this house. I did dabble on the keyboard. I was once an avid gamer too. I became a tech junkie. I did the art thing for a while because thats what everyone's done in this house it seems. I was a nerd. I was a match maker too at some point. Haha and now?

I came across Jengina's blog the other day, I followed a link and it took me there and I was very happy inside. I found myself reading "Between The Lines", clever title by the way, and I realized something, Im not Indie. Haha I've never claimed to be Indie or anything, dont get me wrong, but when I was going through that, something in my head said "You know what you aren't? You aren't Indie". Im not saying Jengina is Indie or anything either.

Im not your typical black person am I? Im metallic brown for a start. I listen to everything besides RnB and House. I wear jeans and a t shirt but I dont subscribe to any following. I've only ever been to one public school and that was for a year in grade 1. My best mates are white. Im secretly British. Im not normal.

Im not the only one of this kind. Over the years I've noticed more black guys leaving the comfort of cultural ties to venture out in the world of mixed race. Back in the day the only black guys like that were from under priviledged families who were taken in by a sort of adoptive white family and then were crucified by every black guy out there for being different.

This sorta thing, this being different, was mainly seen in university students. The kinda people that have gone through it all and have found their own style and identity. Obviously each person has their own self and who they are. Im thankful everyday that Im not a jock.

What I really dont like tho is the whole flash nature thats been adopted. The haircuts? No Im sorry but they're stupid in my eyes. Granted I did have a phase of messing around with my own hair which I think now was very stupid but this is on a whole new level. Express yourself however you want but like it must be known that I will judge.

We're here again

Im listening to the song for soccer on Supersport, that one jam that Loser and Matt like. My little brother got it the other day and it reminded me of that time jamming and I had to have it, its put me in a really great mood.

It's funny how a song can change your mood from one thing to something else in a manner of seconds. I wasn't a grumpy sad sack or anything today, I was feeling very Msiziesque which is to say that I was feeling tasty but now Im feeling tastiest. Now that I've put my head on, everything just seems to be going in the order it should.

It's funny how on this very weekend a year ago, I asked a girl to be my girlfriend. Well thats not the funny part but the funny thing is how some of these events just repeat themselves. August last year I had girl drama, on the very same weeks this year I had girl drama, did anyone notice that? A month break from F1, same story this year. It was a month till my favourite sa band did something special, this year my favourite all time band are doing something.

I think a year has strengthened me though. I dont feel as vulnerable as before. If anything I feel a lot better. Im not the same person I was back then. I was a very confused young man faced with so many big decisions looming that it churned my brain to butter, I was very emotionally driven which isn't so bad but its not always the best. Stood Up by A Fine Frenzy is playing in my ears, its very fitting. Haha I dont want this to sound like a Clarkson and for this post to "symbolize freedom", I just want to put across my thoughts of being content.

All in all, everything works in cycles. There will be good times and bad times and it all goes round and round and thats what we call life. Do I follow the blueprint or do my own thing?

Selfish Son - Bloc Party

I took it too far
I took it too far
again
Cut me down
I took it too far
I took it too far again
On the Lower East
Side

I took it too far
I took it too far
again
Night bleeds into
day
I took it too far I took it too far
again
I nearly lost you

I can be cruel
I can be cruel to
you
I can be cruel
I can be cruel to
you, my love

Typical me
Typical Libra
Spit the dummy
Typical me
Typical Libra
The grass is always green

This city is razed on
borrowed time
Taxi meters, police
sirens
This city is razed on
borrowed time I nearly lost you

I can be cruel
I can be cruel to
you
I can be cruel
I can be cruel to
you I can be cruel
I can be cruel to
you
I can be cruel
I can be cruel to
you, my love

Selfish son
Selfish brother
Selfish child
Selfish lover

The magic of photography

A year ago on a drunken night

We are so ugly

Tulips

When you said tulips
I knew that you're mine
When I caught you there
Crying in the night
Wearing my jacket
Wearing that smile
I knew that I'd found you

This could be an opportunity

Were you unawares?
Did it catch you out?
Or did it break you in
Right from the start?
It's as pure as fire
It's as pure as snow
I knew that I'd found you

This could be an opportunity

If you promise to let it
If you promise to let it grow

'Cos you're the one I love

Goodbye for now, so long

I think over the passed few days I've sat alone with my thoughts long enough to find the peace I was looking for. I was at a point of confusion and indecision not so long ago, I was fighting with so many ideals being thrown around that it really did get to a point where I just had enough, I needed escape. Im a creature of flight but also a creature of comfort. If Im not comfortable then I flee because it makes no sense to be stuck in a spot where nothing feels right. Walking along Jan Smuts last weekend, I got a little flash back of a thought I had not so long ago of walking down a road similar to that at night, knowing that at that moment I was content with the world. It wasn't exactly how I'd envisioned it but I was content nonetheless.

I want it to be clear that I as a person, still do care for Stacey, albeit in a different way. There is no denying that she is the closest girl I've ever been to in a non physically beneficial way, she was and hopefully one day will be, my best doll mate. Sure i handled everything very very wrong, for which I am so profusely sorry but I guess things happen they way they do because its just how it is. We haven't spoken since that night, I respect her wish to not have any contact. I do however think that its sully to cut someone off like that completely but different people deal differently to things. I wouldnt be surprised if thoughts of me werent kindly greeted, thats a given and Im not too concerned about that. Do I think her and I can have friendship like we had before at some point later later? Well ekse I dont know but it'd be cool.

Two can play that game.

I've had enough of all those little silly quotes I keep reading everywhere that girls seem to love so much. My Twitter timeline is full of utter crap from all the retweets from things like OMGteens or LoveQuotesXD. Like chilled, each to his own and stuff but I just wish they weren't annoying little statements. "Dont cry because its over, smile because it happened" and "Its not what you're doing but who you're doing it with" and "Im a generic quotes whore but the funny thing is that Im a guy". I've decided that two can play at that game, for a limited time only Im gonna pull out some generic quotes for your asses so I can also cause headaches.

I took to this like a tiger

I must be on drugs or something. Ok well no Im not, Im just a little bit careless in my approaches and a little bit reckless when I shouldn't be. I'm not asking for forgiveness, Im not on a quest for redemption. I'm just a boy that lives a step at a time lately and so far it's been the best approach. Sure some would say that that is silly and that you're meant to worry yourself into a tizz over the things that'll come and the consequences that the future brings but if Im very hones, Im starting to think that things turn out the way they're meant to regardless of what you do. Try as you might sometimes but there are those times when the outcome cannot be manipulated by human efforts, there are those times when things just happen "for a reason". I don't wanna sound like one of those fairies that live off shoddy spirit links or one of those annoyingly optimistic eejits that believes that we have no power over our actions because we flipping do, we're human enough. I'm also not justifying anything I do by saying it all happens as it should and anything after that rightly shouldn't have.

I've forgotten what this post was meant to achieve and I'm not gonna go back and reread it again cuz then Im just editing my thoughts, I haven't free wheeled with a post like this in a while, it feels good. I can't say I've ever considered selling drugs, that's never been something I could imagine myself doing. Haha I think if I got one thing out of all that, it's that I can't picture myself pushing pills. Haha that was cute and funny but no...

Im no hero

Tonight was Tash's suprise party. I must say, Scunt and Dean Bo'Slice did their jobs brilliantly. I was expecting us to ruin it by coming late but luckily we didnt:)

I do hope James had a frikin fantastic party and I hope it was everything and more that she hoped for. I did spend an averaged sized portion of my night with Junior James who is flipping great:). Tonight I spent my evening with someone I know so flipping well and you I dont know anymore because of circumstance that has brought us that way. I have been hanging with my Gem often lately, we've just clicked like how we used to and many have speculated about her and I, I've fielded so many questions about whats happening between her and I that I've grown unbelievably old trying to answer each one. Just because you're hanging with someone, it doesn't mean you're shacking up together. Im still crazy about the doll, she's flipping fantastic and yes we had a moment tonight that I do understand is not quite ideal and for that Im very sorry and cannot begin to put that into words.

Do I feel bad? Yes I do. Am I cut? Yes I am. Does that affect my post and/or judgement? Not a chance. I do believe that all happens for a reason. I understand Im an asshole and will not try plead different. I wont justify my actions except to say that in all honesty, if anything changed then it wouldn't be a true reflection of tonight...

Well now we've startedWell now we've started

So now we've started the season. I think its quite a bit exciting to be taking part in something with your mates.

Last night we went to that Upbeat festival at Maroon Dog hound School. It was very disappointing I wont lie. Someone said, "It doesn't matter where you are but who you with" or some crap like that. Now thats fine in the world of fairy cakes and cotton candy clouds but like in real life it doesn't actually work like that. Im sorry but I am an undercover emo, Im very depressed at the best of times and I do like to eat ice cream from the tub but I'll tell you that that saying isn't so true. If I was about to be executed, I'd rather be by myself than having my mates subjected to the same thing. I've been in very terrible situations and I can tell you Im rather pleased I was by myself.

I've been looking on twitter and people seem to be living in worlds of quotes that paint pictures of fairies and unicorns and really thats great for them, like I dont care if they do, thats very nice but in real life its not like that. In real life Im sorry but its just egg on toast.

Egg and toast makes for a good treat. It's honestly the best breakfast in the world. I shall get into the politics of egg and toast at a later stage but for now we can all mull it over

A decade is a long time ago

I was just thinking about the time when lions suffered from TB. That was only a few years back, like 5 or something but even so, that feels like ages ago. Then I started thinking about days even further and so much time has gone by.

Ten years ago I was in grade 1, Edleen Primary school in Kempton Park, Johannesburg. That was 2001, a long time ago. Mrs. Fletcher was my teacher, she doesn't really stand out much besides being a lady with brown hair who took us for sports once. There were four houses at the school, Ruby, Emerald, Sapphire and Topaz. I was in Topaz and we had yellow squares. My best mate was a Malawian boy by the name of Regis Majawa and he could run fast which is why he was my best mate. Back then your best friend was the person who could do the coolest stuff, you didnt bother about looks or character or anything else, if he can run faster than you then he's perfect, doesn't matter that he looks like a chimp. My dad would drop me off at school mostly but when he was away I would walk to school cuz it was close. In hindsight it actually wasn't that close, especially for a little boy but coming home I would walk with a bunch of mates. I liked a new girl often. At first when we first moved to Joburg, I liked this coloured doll named Faith. She was the only one I vaguely knew on the first day. I remember offering to take her some homework cuz she was sick the one day and her house was by my house so I went on my way home to her place and no one came to the gate and it was open so I went in and she was about to go bath and was naked and I was so shocked, it was the stuff of porn films. There was this other girl named Ronwyn that I had a thing for but I think Regis may have liked her. Then there was Basi. Poor girl liked me for ages and she was pretty decent but her main flaw was that she was taller than me. She would buy me pies all the time, Im pretty sure she's the one that turned me into a bint. I remember I once told my mom to not make me lunch cuz I wanted to do it so I made myself Tomato Sauce sandwiches and then at break I realized that that was a flipping crap idea and Basi bought me a pie. She held my hand in class once and I got a boner, didnt know what that crap was.

There was another doll, one of the mates I used to walk home with, cant remember her name. She was my first valentine. A few months later I found out she liked this guy called Morgan. Morgan was a great guy, we all played together at break sometimes but she was my valentine, how could she like another boy? I think that was when I first tasted jealousy involving a girl, I couldn't fathom my girl liking another boy even tho she was just my mate because I told her one day when we were walking home that Morgan called her a bitch. The next day when we were lining up for class she tuned him and he didnt know what was cutting, poor guy was so confused. I didnt feel bad. Looking back I can say that was a dick move on my part completely. I've since come to learn that guys just dont do that crap, if anything, I was the bitch.

There are actually so many things, place, but mainly people that I remember from back then. It's a shame I forget so many new ones.

I was just thinking about the time when lions suffered from TB. That was only a few years back, like 5 or something but even so that feels like ages ago. Then I started thinking about days even further and so much time has gone by.

Ten years ago I was in grade 1, Edleen Primary school in Kempton Park, Johannesburg. That was 2001, a long time ago. Mrs. Fletcher was my teacher, she doesn't really stand out much besides has being a lady with brown hair who took us for sports once. There were four houses at the school, Ruby, Emerald, Sapphire and Topaz. I was in Topaz and we had yellow squares. My best mate was a Malawian boy by the name of Regis Majawa and he could run fast which is why he was my best mate. Back then your best friend was the person who could do the coolest stuff, you didnt bother about looks or character or anything else, if he can run faster than you then he's perfect. My dad would drop of off at school mostly but when he was away I would walk to school cuz it was close. In hindsight it actually wasn't that close, especially for a little boy but coming home I would walk with a bunch of mates. I liked a new girl often. At first when we first moved to Joburg, I liked this coloured doll named Faith. She was the only one I vaguely knew on the first day. I remember offering to take her some homework cuz she was sick the one day and her house was by my house so I went on my way home to her place and no one came to the gate and it was open so I went in and she was about to go bath and was naked and I was so shocked, it was the stuff of porn films. There was this other girl named Ronwyn that I had a thing for but I think Regis may have liked her. Then there was Basi. Poor girl liked me for ages and she was pretty decent but her main flaw was that she was taller than me. She would buy me pies all the time, Im pretty sure she's the one that turned me into a bint. I remember I once told my mom to not make me lunch cuz I wanted to do it so I made myself Tomato Sauce sandwiches and then at break I realized that that was a flipping crap idea and Basi bought me a pie. She held my hand in class once and I got a boner, didnt know what that crap was.

There was another doll, one of the mates I used to walk home with, cant remember her name. She was my first valentine. A few months later I found out she liked this guy called Morgan. Morgan was a great guy, we all played together at break sometimes but she was my valentine, how could she like another boy? I think that was when I first tasted jealousy involving a girl, I couldn't fathom my girl liking another boy even tho she was just my mate because I told her one day when we were walking home that Morgan called her a bitch. The next day when we were lining up for class she tuned him and he didnt know what was cutting, poor guy was so confused. I didnt feel bad. Looking back I can say that was a dick move on my part completely. I've since come to learn that guys just dont do that crap, if anything, I was the bitch.

There are actually so many things, place, but mainly people that I remember from back then. It's a shame I forget so many new ones.

I could write something down, it could say anything really and I could give it to someone else to read, what are the chances of that person understanding it like how I intended?

I was just thinking about how any written material out there could be misunderstood or interpreted in a way it wasn't intended to. Like I can say, "Tony the Tiger really did like a little frosties." Now people could read that and be like, "Well yeah, Tony the Tiger is the Frosties mascot so it makes sense for him to like his own product." Now thats all great and true and what not but what if I meant Tony liked a bit of cocaine? What if I meant Tony liked a little bit of ice in his veins? When last did you flipping see Tony the Tiger? Dude is in flipping rehab man for a coke addiction most probabaly, no one gets so excited over sugar coated corn flakes like that without a little bit of motivation.

Like seriously, we could think things are simply written before us in a manner we can all understand but it could be something completely different, just hidden in plain sight. Artists and authors have this amazing power when writing something because they can go and pretty much convey any message across but word it as something completely different, that intrigues me. Abusing Of The Rib by Atmosphere, you'd be forgiven to think that he's talking about some girl he met and how he wants to understand her so well but no, the whole song is about the state of hip hop. Fxxk You Lucy is another example. That song sounds like he's real pissed with his ex or something, a serious thing to swallow but that song is about his alcohol addiction. We tend to accept things in our own way and understanding because we never stop to think that just maybe, things aren't always what they seem.

Im only a person

There has been global speculation to my merits and morals, like a whole 5 people have questioned me. You know I try very hard to remember to use my common good sense and practice my upstanding citizenship but Im afraid I fail sometimes. I've been told Im a bad love interest and have been called a terrible person and you know this is all so very true, I wont even begin to deny it.

It's true I drink a lot. I have two litres of water everyday, right now Im attacking the bottle and yes I've been pissing like a race horse although I've never actually seen how a race horse urinates because that kinda thing just doesn't rock my boat and is frankly quite disgusting to think about. I've been doing this weekly ever since a certain girl said I could never finish 5 litres of water.

Have I been taking drugs? Yes I have. Unfortunately I caught an STD the other day, Im not ashamed to admit I caught a Sneeze Transferred Disease. Yes my loose living has landed me the flu and yes I am popping Flutex capsules to try quail the disease. In my defence they work quite well, by sunday I should be completely out of the woods.

Im told I've been seen with a lot of women lately. You know what, Im not gonna lie to anyone here, lying is bad. I did go shopping with my Mom and Aunt yes, I admit.

Have I gotten off on the bad luck of others? Damn straight I have. I flipping rejoiced when Seb had that moment in the pits that cost him the race even tho Alonso won.

Am I a lazy lover? Of course I am. I love being lazy. Nothing satisfies more than knowing you should be doing something but you arent, someone else will do it.

I am by no means a role model for the children. I've never helped out Charity because I unfortunately dont know anyone by that name. I've never given blood before cuz I dont think that'd make a good present at any birthday party really. So yes I am a bad person Im afraid, everyone is right about me, I wont begin to deny but really maybe one day I'll come round, maybe.

Strictly speaking

I've probably written thousands of scathing posts in my head that'll never be posted. A million little letters of hate that'll never see the light of day. Billions of words that once put out there, could never be retracted or forgotten.

You ever tried painting over cracks? It looks good for a while, could even look brand new but once the paint dries, there's always that faint line of a crack still visible. Im no expert on anything but I have an opinion on everything. Im learnered enough to know right from wrong, I can deduce when something is true or or not, why cant others? General classification of people can be very dangerous. I do it often and most times it's generally true but there are those that slip through the holes, the ones that make you take notice but when you do, is it all worth it?

Bending something till it breaks is never wise. I once had a Power Ranger action figure whose feet weren't meant to touch but I still did it. I know I wasn't meant to but I did it anyway and when I did, I thought well that wasn't so bad, so I carried on. His legs broke a short while after that. I snapped today, I just felt myself be drained from my very soul, I felt like a basin being emptied. Why cant the playing field be level? If you wanna play a game, play fair. I didnt lose because I didnt know the rules, I lost because if I played it the way you did, you'd be dead.

I dont do open, I dont do exposed, I dont make promises I dont intend to keep, I dont get laughs out of frying emotions with my big bad magnifying glass. Do I feel silly? Yes I do. Do I like it? Not a chance. Am I an idiot? No, Im a flipping boss.

I was called stupid the other day. Speaking to this person and she said something along the lines of, "Your stupidity is what makes people realize their mistakes?". Haha I laughed at this, I thought to myself, "Who are you again? What possible claim do you have to speak such crap when you yourself were only an inch away from a certain shattering? Do you not understand that at that time my every intention was to destroy? Who are you to question me? I only remember your name because of the name tag above your head.". Haha shame.

I think Im nice, Im probably deluding myself. But I do think Im nice to those Im fond of. Sure half of them dont notice or just couldn't be bothered but thats not my baby anymore.

Adapt or Die: Basic Animal Instincts 101

To survive, we have to adapt. Some animals adapt to the heat, some to cold, wet, dry, rocky, lush, and so forth. There is no such thing as having one thing one way all the time.

As humans we also have to adapt to survive. Country people must adapt to the rules and ways of city life and a city slicker wont get pretty far in the country if he keeps his same ways. Situations tend to come up where we either have to adapt to them or let them blow us over and kill and eat us. Like if you really think about it, the only reason we're where we are now is because we're constantly adapting to things and not letting them get us. Im not one who likes to be dependant on another emotionally, I think that's stupid and leads to too many unnecessary complications. I'll never be the kind that sits and accepts the annoyance that comes with emotional dependancy. I cant do that sorta thing no matter how I've tried
Chameleons are clever. They know what goes on. You'll never see one in brilliant blue glory whilst standing on a red surface. They know that with enough effort they can make a whole situation suit them, they know how to deal with change, they make it their own.

I also came to the conclusion that Im never ever gonna aspire to be a magnificent boyfriend. Do you know how flipping hard that crap is? Im still much too extended to even try be a hero. Now Im not saying I dont pull off any heroics because really I just cant help being a hero but I have witnessed the attempts of others in varying degrees that Im quite satisfied with myself. Being someone's boyfriend is all about being a hero. Females are all about wanting that guy that can do it all according to their unbelievable standards, that like really make us die. Im only this person here, I do this and that and leave out bits and pieces where I see fit. I work brilliantly and I can happily say that I am not modelled the same.

"There is beauty beyond, but there's no turning back"

I am yet to see another image as great as this.

I'll try, but I'll get caught out...

Have you ever attempted to not do something but then half way through, you realized you couldnt? It takes superhuman effort to give up something you love, its just so flipping hard...

I get caught out by the This-Juice-Is-So-Good factor so many times that it just hurts me to think of it. I cant stop chugging juice once its on my lips. Strangely I have the biggest problem with orange juice, mainly Oros. Everything else I can sorta handle, Im not perfect but I can handle the siren calls of the bottom of the glass but Oros, she is my weakness. I used to flipping hate Oros cuz it was concentrate and laziness always won me over but now not even that can keep me away. I have a 2 litre bottle of water that lives in the fridge that I hack away at each day, filling it up before I go to bed but from time to time when I have a super breakfast foods breakfast, I will have at least two half litres of Orange Necter. I actually smaak that stuff quite a bit. The day my mom bought our first 5 litre Oros home, I knew I loved her.

Haha food is great and everything but what really gets me is a good drink.

All girls are the same

After 18 years of walking on this earth, I think its safe to say that in certain situations, gender is the basis for reaction.

Not too long ago I came loose from a joint venture of emotions with my partner and it didnt end as best as I'd have hoped. Like chilled I didnt really mind because I was under the impression that my efforts were frikin crap so I didnt think it was unwarrented but I've come to realize that really, I wasn't so jutt. There is another who has entered back into the sea of singledom has been given the same reaction. It seems that no matter who you are, if you're a boy then you just automatically "dont care" once everything is over, you are told that you never gave a crap and you weren't there when they were here and all these other things that when are actually taken into account, are not so true.

I used to get frikin annoyed when all these things were said to me because I thought it must've been a once off thing that really made me doubt my ability to be a good enough partner but now its all just funny. Is it just the standard female reaction to lash out? Is there an unwritten rule that the guy must take the blame for everything cuz if there is then no one knows cuz all guys seem to do the same. I have nothing against being blamed because in most cases like that I would've done crap all so its ok when the girls hit their psycho stage cuz it doesn't affect the male psyche.

Interest in people

You learn a lot about a person when you are both human. Its easier to understand the workings of a plug when you open it and take a peek inside, you can tell the contents of a sandwich by lifting the slice of bread and having a look inside. Humans are the same.

Had a really great braai at Scunthorpe's as per usual, a good mix of mates that know their story. Chilled with a mix of girls I've known for a while now but never actually gotten to know one on one because of various distractions but today I decided to be a hero and be heroic, thus being a hero and having it pay off. Haha I didnt get completely wasted, I had two quartz which strangely didnt affect me too much which is good because I have my wits about me but I can still have relaxed fun.

Oh ya, I dont like people being all up in my grove. It's cute and everything when people try their luck somewhere and its almost commendable to try but I dont like people getting too comfortable. I dont get jealous, no, I set records straight. Haha its still funny.

I still cant work my titles

Music honestly makes everything better. Im not so dead after a good sesh. I dont know why but it just sounds so much better when you feel somewhat close to death. I listen to it every night cuz it helps me sleep but it sounds a million times better when inebriated and it sounds even better the next day when you just want to be sucked into a hole. My love for Indie music escalates on days like this when it just soothes the soul, Im loving the mixture between Bloc Party and Foals, Foals make a full on attempt to win my heart and I'll admit, they have my attention.

I think sometimes, if it weren't for stuff like this, life would be very boring. Like it sometimes takes something bad to apprecate something good. If I didnt feel like death I woulnt feel as great as I do now. I feel like I've stepped into my world again, a lovely place of sense and Msiziesque order where only I know whats going on because only I know what the time is and right now its time to relax. Im not here to start a war, Im not going to start a fire, Im not going to carve up the mountain, Im going to do exactly as I was and I most definately will enjoy it, you're all most welcome to join in.

Haha ahhh Im going to hate life very soon, I can tell but I'll love it more than anything, I'll be in love till Im dead.

Meow

Well yesterday was interesting. After walking to Waterfall with a pair of oversized pants on and an aching boy, all I wanted was a Dagwood, chips and a glass of water, all I got was a Dagwood. I hated the fact that there was no power so they couldnt give us chips and no water strangely.

Ahh On Cue was good. Sitting in a pool hall with the guys just having beers is a good way to spend your Phuza Thesday. We had a decent amount of lovely brewed glory and Im gonna feel it all later, Im gonna have a sickly hangover that'll make me its bitch but it was worth it. From now on its advisable to go out with Shane. Robbie taking us to Mc Donalds and home was too funny, I've broken shoulder after bailing so hard. Haha my poor ouchies


On a side note, I couldnt be the kinda boyfriend that stressed over his girl. Like I know how girls want to be fussed over and crap and I can do that but I cant do it to extremes where I stress over where shes going and with who and doing what, like seriously, there is a life outside all that.

I would think up a title but Im genuinely tired

Flipping hell...

Well today began our first day as manual labourers. It really wasnt that bad at first, I was expecting my limited hamster upper body strength to be tested to its very limits and the pressure to be higher than that placed on sportsmen and diamonds alike but really it was a tad chilled. Obviously it wasnt rainbows and butterflies but we came through not too dead. I unfortunately mutilated my picturesque Hands of A Lover and I have two blisters, each on my thumbs, which were chiseled to perfection. Haha ah it feels good to say that I've completed a day of work that'll lead to something great happening. When ever fatigue crept in, I reminded myself, "Joburg will make this all so worth it."

Im a flipping great husband. I go out working all day to put dinner on the table while the Missus sits around doing woman stuff and all I want to do when I get home is to have a cold beer and a bit of loving but no all I have to settle for is three sweaty oafs. Must be because Im not actually married although we are.

A weekend comes along and I may be here or I may not, either way Im being a hero. I missed you.

Have fun with your stories but I'll be busy growing up in the corner over there.

Im a nice little boy who likes the people he likes and doesn't like the people he doesn't like, Im pretty normal.

I get spoken about a lot, not as much as say Lady Gaga but I guess thats because Im a boy. You'd swear we're the same person by how many time I've been told Im weird. No Im not comparing myself to Lady Gaga because I dont care much for her antics and music, she made like 2 songs I thought were ok or something but that's besides the point.

Im on the lips of people for reasons unknown, ok no Im on their lips because I seem to have committed a crime comparable to murder it seems. Well I was thinking about how upset it was all making me feel until I realized that well, whatever. I dont like people in my business, I dont enjoy baring my heart out, I dont have a heart but that substitue thing I use doesn't enjoy being on display. I dont care anymore when people say I do everything I do to get back at a girl who left me and when we had a trial run leading up to us getting back together, she went off and did God know's what with who cares, not once but twice and yet I shrugged it off keeping it to myself. I dont care when I get told to "Go fucking die" when not once but twice I was told you never want to see me again. It's not my fault if I get fed up with everything and choose to distance myself from all the silly juvenile insecurites being heaped up on me. Im only human and really I could turn around and just shatter the very world you're all so comfortable with but that'll just mean going round and round with all you people and frankly Im tired now, if you didnt have name tags above your heads I'd have no clue who you all were and where exactly you fitted in.

I still care for my ex, Im very civil with her and she is more than welcome to be a part of my life but Im done with all the dramas, each knock I take makes everything worse but I'll still smile because I have nothing to frown about.

Haha I just realized I dictated all of this in the most monotone voice I've heard myself use. That's it.

I could really get in depth, but I'll write this silly thing from the top of my head

Many do they're learning during the week. They're surrounded by figures that each play a vital role in their development and generally those people there are people that are understood.

This weekend I think it's safe to say that I was public enemy number 1. Spreading my various doings to various souls is a bit weak and immature I'd say? Telling me to go die after saying you're done with me two nights before is a bit much dont you rate? Coming and looking for a confrontation to take back to everyone is a bit juvenile but you've been known to be right little WD? Haha no really tho, asking me if she's my squeeze and expecting me not to laugh at you is kinda silly, a squeeze is someone that doesn't matter, that wont mean crap all in the morning and isn't going to offer anything constructive, I've had many a squeeze before but no I dont have one now, I dont go around in circles.

I always have this silly notion that once I've understood something then everyone else has too. I forget that just because I grow up, doesn't mean everyone around me is too. I assume that with age people would stop their silly ways and come to realize that it's all pointless but clearly that's not the case.

Just on a side note, the danger was always closer to home than anyone actually realized

I pick them brilliantly

I had a perfect race weekend, my word... F1 was in Canada at a circuit I've seen McLaren triumph at a few times and saturday was the start of the 24 hours of Le Mans and sunday was an exceptional Grand Prix.

I wont get into just how frikin amped I was to watch all this racing and how Audi battled a fleet of Peugots after losing one of their cars in a spectacular crash and the rest dying out only leaving them with one lone survivor to take the checkered flag and I wont get too much into how Jenson Button drove a magnificent race after not qualifying so great, having a collision with his team mate, being served a drive through penalty and then being in the pits 5 times leaving him dead last, yet still managing to win the race on the final half of the final lap from someone who was once deemed unbreakable.

Being a McLaren guy, I was frikin destroyed when Lewis and Jenson crashed. I just saw flashes of Turkey last year when the two Red Bulls came together and how that split the team in half. Imagine a team Lewis vs team Jenson sorta thing ala Twilight. My heart would be shattered completely.

On one hand Lewis Hamilton is the only reason I started watching Formula One after following his championship in 08 through the F1 section in Car magazine. He's a frikin brilliant driver, easily one of the best and all the flak that he's been getting lately seriously isn't even worth it because he's shown many times that he is a flipping boss. I would stop watching a race if he didnt finish and anyone that got in his way would have many a curse thrown on them by me.

And then came this Jenson Button fellow to join the Woking crew. Jenson proved he was boss to me by destroying in that Brawn but I'll admit, when I heard he was joining McLaren I thought he was being foolish and was going to be urinated on. Come Australia and Jenson pulls out his clever thinking and then we hit China and he made sweet sweet love to those tyres and I was completly sold. And he looks ruggedly handsome after a race and not all disheveled.

The two boys are known for their wonderful pairing and so when they collided I really thought it was over, I honestly thought that the race was now a write off and I must go do some insane PR work but they patched things up during the flipping race, thats superhuman if you ask me, thats beauty.

So now people say Lewis is leaving to Red Bull and Mark may come this side? Its gonna effing hurt if that happens cuz now what do I do? Follow him or stay with Jenson?

Enticed for long enough and he may look straight..

I've done an unhealthy amount of thinking on a brain which is running on reserve energy and that has too much time to create an order that would be better kept hidden.

Im at the point where there are two legs underneath me and they offer support for the rest of me to stand up straight. I control my legs and we can go wherever there is reason. In my head Im walking along the middle of Jan Smuts at night beneath all those trees and the orange street lamps. My God-complex is on high, I feel like with these hands I could just reach out and turn the world from what everyone sees to what I want to see within a matter of minutes. You know when you just have it in you to create or to destroy at will, where a spaceship is nothing besides something to sink your teeth into?

This mustn't be mistaken as the rantings of an egotistic maniac, these are just the thoughts of someone with enough intention to do good yet enough misguided fire power to destroy if not managed well. I think if you were to look at those people that use Pit Bulls for dog fighting, the dog doesn't start out vicious, there are many out there that are nice but brought up in a certain way and that thing could take out a sizeable chunk out your stomach and that'll hurt like crap, like something just bit you in the stomach.

My brain is relaxed, a bit of a rethink and a shuffle here and there and its sorted. Now to look at my hand..